But the two men driving the cart let out a great big belly-laugh.
“’Ere, what’s so funny?” asked Julius, rubbing his stiff knees.
“If you think they’re just going to let you out,” growled the lion, who was also awake, “you’re more stupid than you look.”
“What do you mean?” sobbed Julius.
“We’re not even halfway there yet,” snarled the lion.
“Not even half … WHAT? IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?!” cried Julius.
“I’m sorry to say, the lion’s quite right,” piped up Cornelius, stretching his legs, which had seized up in the cramped box. “This is probably Leptis Magna, the main port round these parts. We’ve got hundreds of miles of sailing before we get to Rome!”
“I just hope your sea legs are better than your land legs,” the lion growled. “And you’d better pray to your zebra gods that we don’t meet any pirates or get shipwrecked.”
“The Romans might be brilliant at beating people up, but they’re no sailors,” said Cornelius. “I’m certain we’ll be fine, though. I saw three crows flying south not five minutes ago, which can only mean good luck lies ahead!”
“Or that three crows were just off on their holidays,” said Julius, who wasn’t one for silly superstitions.
Cornelius harrumphed loudly and decided to ignore Julius’s remark. “Just you see. The flight of a crow has never let me down yet…”
CHAPTER FIVE
I CAME, I SAW, I THREW UP
After their carts had been shoved onto a tiny, ramshackle ship and tossed around by the sea as if it were riding the back of an overexcited hippo, Julius began to think, This is the worst journey of my life, ever. Fact.
Peering through the cracks in the walls of his cage, Julius saw that the deck was crammed with crates filled with all sorts of weird animals he had never seen before (and some he had) – all of them groaning with seasickness.
He moaned as the ship rolled on its side, pitching high on a bad-tempered wave. The crates and carts slid along the rain-lashed deck and smashed into its wall, nearly tipping over the side.
Julius held on for dear life, trying as hard as he might not to fall into the lap of the lion who, he had to admit, looked pretty weak himself. He noticed Cornelius had gone a queasy shade of green, too.
“SO, HOW ARE THOSE LUCKY CROWS WORKING OUT FOR YOU NOW?” he shouted over the roar of the raging sea and wind.
For once, Cornelius didn’t have an answer.
After the storm had gone on for many days – perhaps weeks – the exhausted Julius drifted into a restless sleep. He dreamed that his brother Brutus had turned up at the circus dressed as a juggling monkey.
Julius had never been so pleased to see his stupid brother! “Oh, Brutus! You can’t believe how much I’ve missed you!” he sobbed, giving him a big hug.
“GET OFF!” cried Brutus.
But Julius held on tight. “No, Brutus. Even though you’re a massive idiot, I’m never letting you go!”
“Get off me!” Cornelius insisted. “Look outside – we’ve nearly arrived!”
Julius blushed and let go of the wiry little warthog, rubbed his bleary eyes and peered out to see a man the size of a mountain standing in the sea. “’Ere! Are we sailing to a LAND OF GIANTS?!” Julius blurted out. “That bloke is HUGE!”
“Don’t worry, he’s not real,” squeaked Cornelius enthusiastically.
“Not real?! What is he then?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked!” smiled Cornelius, who was ever so excited to dish out his first fact in two weeks. “That chap out there is a COLOSSUS – a great big statue made of bronze. They’re all the fashion these days. Ever since the Colossus of Rhodes became one of the SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD!”
“Cor!” exclaimed Julius. “I wonder what the other six wonders are?”
“No doubt your immense stupidity is one of them,” growled the lion.
But before Julius could think of a witty reply, there was a great THUD as the ship rolled into port.
“PORTUS AUGUSTI! EVERYBODY OFF!”
CHAPTER SIX
ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME
“GIDDY-UP!” shouted the drivers as the gangplank clattered onto the quay. And off they scooted, bashing their way through the crowded port.
Julius was amazed at the road – it was so straight and long!
“Aren’t the Roman roads fantastic?” remarked Cornelius. “There’re no bumpy twists and turns to churn your stomach with these chaps.”
As they zipped along, Julius barely had time to take in all the grand, shiny buildings lining the road. Instead of the drab scrubland he was so used to, here was a world of magnificent trees and luscious grass.
“After I’ve watched this stupid circus, I’m going to eat like a king!” said Julius, sticking his tongue out of the cage to lick the grass as it flew by.
The hills and fields were littered with stone trunks, with people standing on them. Julius waved at a few of them, but none waved back.
How rude! he thought.
Dotted everywhere were other stone trees holding up the roofs of houses and even some of the roads.
“The Romans are a clever lot,” exclaimed Cornelius. “That road on trees is a river in the air, which carries water to the city. It’s called an aqueduct!”
“Wow. An Aqua Duck…” whispered Julius in awe.
“And all those stone trees,” continued Cornelius, “are columns for holding up heavy buildings!”
Half an hour passed and, as Julius tried to take it all in, suddenly a huge wall with a great doorway loomed up in front of them.
Dead Bird Hat Man dashed ahead on his horse. “Come on! What’s the hold-up?” he shouted. “Shift these carts! Emperor Hadrian himself is waiting! We can’t be late!”
A soldier guarding the archway stood in front of him, blocking his way. “You can’t bring these carts through here.”
“WHAT?! WHY NOT?” screamed Dead Bird Hat Man.
“You know the rules, Centurion. No carts through the city after sunrise. Especially on a Saturday. Nothing to stop you walking the animals through the street, though…”
Dead Bird Hat Man paused for just a moment. “Ridiculous idea,” he barked. Then he turned to his men. “Let’s do it! Right, you lot! Grab these animals – COME ON! CHOP CHOP!”
“STOP YER MOANING! GET THEM ANIMALS OUT OF THE CARTS. I WILL NOT BE LATE FOR THE EMPEROR!”
As Julius was hustled through the crowds of Rome – on the shoulders of a hairy brute in a toga – it really dawned on him how far from home he was. The watering hole seemed like a long-distant dream.
“’Ere, Cornelius,” he called out. “Are you sure this circus is going to be fun? Some of the things that lion was saying don’t exactly make it sound that way.”
“Trust me!” Cornelius shouted back. “That juggling monkey is a legend round our parts!”
Julius turned to the lion, who was being carried rather tentatively by a petrified cart-driver. “See, lion, you’re talking COBBLERS! How can a jolly circus not be fun, eh? You need to lighten up!”
“No, Debra, I will NOT lighten up!” roared the lion, before sinking his teeth into the driver carrying him.
The cart-driver dropped the lion like a hot potato and clutched his sore bottom.
And with that, the lion disappeared into the panicking crowd.
“STOP THAT LION!” screamed Dead Bird Hat Man. But the beast was long gone.
Over the hubbub of the crowded streets, a huge roar went up and what sounded like the noise of two hundred elephants parping.
“Ooh! That’s exciting!” said Cornelius. “That’ll be the circus – we must be getting nearer!”
“Forget that!” said Julius, who was really starting to worry now. “What was that lion going on about? Maybe we should make a run for it, too…”
“Listen,” whispered Cornelius, getting all serious. “I’ve heard about certain, shall we say unpleasant, things that go on in Rome, but they
only involve lions and other nasty beasties. We’ll be all right.”
Julius wasn’t convinced. That lion seemed to know something the rest of them didn’t. But before he could say anything, a jaw-dropping vision towered up in front of him and took his breath away. “Wow,” he whispered.
CHAPTER SEVEN
SHOW ME THE MONKEYS!
Julius shuddered as the ginormous building bellowed with the noise of ten thousand people. The surrounding streets were crammed with men and women dancing and singing and children walloping each other playfully with wooden sticks. What on earth are they doing that for? Julius wondered.
He hadn’t liked the crowds at the lake back home, and this seemed ten times worse. As they pushed their way through the swarming throng of people, Julius felt as if he might drown.
“Cheer up, Julius!” shouted Cornelius, spotting his young companion frowning. “Listen to that crowd! Imagine how brilliant the circus will be!”
Julius tried his best to get into the spirit of things: “Yeah, you’re right, of course! Bring on the juggling monkeys! Woohoo!” But his bravado quickly evaporated when he realized they were being taken right past the Colosseum! “HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? THE CIRCUS IS BACK THERE!”
“You lot have a special entrance into the arena. You’re gonna LOVE IT!” the cart-driver said, sniggering.
It was at this moment that Julius hit a cold wall of reality. His stomach churned as if he had swallowed a hundred butterflies. We’re not watching the circus, he thought… We’re going to be IN the circus!
“TO THE TUNNEL!” commanded Dead Bird Hat Man.
Julius gulped as he was lugged towards a big buiding round the other side of the main amphitheatre.
“This way!” said the centurion, charging down a dark passageway.
Julius, now panicking about his big moment in the spotlight, spied a group of men idly sitting on the steps, watching the goings-on. “’ERE! DO ANY OF YOU WEIRDOS KNOW HOW TO JUGGLE?!”
“Now why did you go and say that?” asked Cornelius. “You’ve made them awfully grumpy.”
“Aren’t they the juggling monkeys? They look like a bunch of hairy gorillas. I don’t think they heard me,” said Julius. “I SAID, ‘ARE YOU THE JUGGLING MONKEYS?’”
This greatly enraged the huge hairy men and they stood up and started waving their big swords and sticks, shouting out the most dreadful insults Julius had ever heard.
“Hey! One of them just said I had the face of a goat’s bottom! What an outrage!”
“I think you should probably stop talking to them now,” said Cornelius nervously.
“I was only asking them a simple question!” snapped Julius. “Ah, well. It’s not as if we’re ever going to see them again, right?”
At these words, Cornelius went very quiet. The coarse little hairs on his back bristled. It had finally dawned on him that they were in real danger.
As they raced through the tunnel, Julius was struck by a VERY familiar smell. The smell of stinky animals and poo – not unlike that of the lake. He even heard the unmistakable, muffled roar of a leopard.
Up ahead, through the gloom, were some doors made of iron bars. In the dim light, Julius could see skulking shadowy figures pacing to and fro behind them.
What’s going on here, then? What’s in these rooms? he thought. More and more curious, he leaned forward, squinting through the bars into the pungent murkiness.
“ZEBRA!!” a cry went out.
Suddenly all the cells roared and their doors shook as dozens of starved lions, leopards, cheetahs and tigers screamed in unison, “ZEBRA! ZEBRA! ZEBRA! ZEBRA!”
“Well, at least they managed to get your name right,” muttered Cornelius.
“Listen, clever clogs,” Julius whispered back. “I don’t know about you, but that lion was right, we have got to get out––”
But before he could finish his sentence, the centurion butted in, “Get this lot over to the cell at the back. I’ll eat well tonight – the quaestor has paid handsomely for these beasts, not least because we have a rare stripy horse!”
Julius and Cornelius, along with a giraffe and an antelope, were unceremoniously chucked into a mangy, stinky cell, well away from the bawling predators.
“Cor, blimey. Thank goodness for that!” said Julius, wiping the sweat from his brow. “I thought I was a goner then. Wait, none of you lot has big, sharp teeth do you?”
“AAIIEEE!! A CROCODILE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”
They all scrambled to the door, shaking and pulling at the bars in a desperate attempt to break free.
“Wait! Wait!” said the crocodile meekly. “I’m a vegetarian! I promise I won’t eat any of you.”
“A vegetarian crocodile?” spluttered Julius. “And you expect us to believe that, do you?”
“Oh, I fully understand your distrust, but I assure you I am. Back home in my river, I used to make friends with all the other animals who came along to drink. I couldn’t bring myself to eat them, they all seemed so lovely!”
“She’s right, you know, Mr Stripy Horse,” squeaked a tiny voice. “I ain’t never seen her eat nothing other than straw and leaves.”
Julius squinted into the darkness. “Who said that? Is there somebody invisible in here?”
Julius looked at the mouse very curiously. “Are you taking part in the circus, too?” he asked.
“Ooh, no,” said the little mouse. “I LIVE HERE!”
“Wait a minute,” said Julius, backing away. “Why are you wearing a little nappy? You don’t have bottom problems, do you?”
“Ha ha! This isn’t a nappy, sir. This is my Subligaria – like what the gladiators wear. I’m Pliny, and when I grow up, I’m going to be one!”
“Glad-he-ate-her? Why is everyone so obsessed with eating each other round here?” sighed Julius.
“I’m not,” said the crocodile.
“Oh yeah,” said Julius, “apart from the weird crocodile.”
“I think you’ll find our little friend said gladiator,” explained Cornelius.
“Gladiator?” gasped Julius, in exasperation. “What’s one of them?”
“Gladiators are ferocious fighters who normally battle to the death in an arena – not unlike the one above us. I’ve heard dark whispers about their exploits … we’d better pray we’re kept well away from them.”
The crocodile suddenly leapt up and started skipping about like a horse. “Forget gladiators!” she cried. “It’s chariot racing I’m excited about! I was lucky enough to catch sight of a race on my way here. I hope we get to speed around on one of those things!”
“That does sound like much more fun. My name’s Cornelius, by the way,” said Cornelius. “Very pleased to meet you!” He extended his little hoof and shook paws with the crocodile.
“Lucia,” said the crocodile.
“And you…?” Cornelius asked, turning to the others.
“And I’m Julius Zebra!” announced Julius.
“Lovely to meet you, Barbara!” said Pliny.
“You must be a rare breed of horse,” said Rufus. “Do you get spotty ones, too?”
“It’s ZEBRA!” cried Julius. “And I’m not a flipping horse, either! Have you lot really never seen a zebra before?”
Everyone just shook their heads and shrugged their shoulders. Julius couldn’t believe that no one had heard of a zebra – where he came from there were hundreds.
Just at that moment, the cell door was flung open and a scraggy bundle was thrown to the middle of the floor. “Stick him in there. The rascal can go up in the first batch!”
The bundle stood up and launched itself at the iron bars with a ferocious roar. As it fell back to the floor, Julius immediately recognized who it was. “Oh, hello! I wasn’t expecting to see you again,” he chirped.
“Hello, Milus!” squeaked Pliny. “Come back for more, then?”
“Wait a minute! Milus?! You know him?” blurted Julius.
“Of course,” said Pliny. “I’d recognize that u
gly face anywhere! Milus taught me everything I know. This dude has all the skills it takes to be a gladiator! He evaded the sword of the Venatores three times before making his escape. I didn’t expect to see him back again.”
Julius was puzzling over why everyone kept banging on about gladiators, when a cacophony of horns blasted from above, rattling the ceiling.
There was a great roar as ten thousand people cheered and stamped, shaking the walls of their dungeon and sending great lumps of plaster and dust falling on everyone’s heads.
“’Ere! It’s them blooming elephants again! Has the circus started?” Julius’s stomach burbled with nerves. “Can someone please teach me to juggle? I’ve never done it before.”
The whole room went silent.
All except for Felix who stood up and walked to the back of the dungeon. “Cor!” he said, bending down. “Look at this weird rock…”
Julius went over to have a look.
“I love rocks, me,” proclaimed Felix. “I have quite a collection at home.”
Julius picked it up and showed it to Milus. “Come on, grumpy. Look at this funny rock. This should cheer you up!”
“You really are a blithering imbecile, aren’t you, Debra!” growled the lion, stepping out of the shadows.
“It’s Zebra!” said Julius. “ZEBRA! When is anyone actually going to get my name right round here?”
“Listen, zebra, no one cares about your stupid rock. No one cares about your stupid name. Or any of our names. In five minutes we’re going to be dog food. No one will even remember that there ever was a zebra or a lion or a crocodile or any of us sitting here. We’ll be gone – and in ten minutes another bunch of animals will turn up and get killed, and it’ll just keep happening again and again, ad infinitum.” The lion threw Julius onto the floor.
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