by P. Jameson
“You have no idea,” she moaned.
Magic pulled back to stare into her eyes. What she saw there was a splash of cold water for her libido.
Defeat. So permanent and final, she had to remind herself not to believe it.
“I can never ever mate you, Josie. No matter how strong our connection is. I can’t.” His words were sad but determined. “What I can promise you is that I will always keep you safe. I will protect you and make sure you have anything that you need. But I cannot lay claim to you.” His voice became little more than a breath. “And I cannot give you my young. I can’t have you, do you understand?”
She swallowed hard, trying to make her throat stop aching with unshed tears.
Why was he giving up so easily? Didn’t he want a second chance?
“Do you want to? Have me?”
He closed his eyes as if in pain. “I’ve wanted you since the day I met you, woman.” His tone was soft, and she finally heard the word for what it was. An endearment.
Josie curved her palm around his cheek, forcing him to look at her so he could see how determined she was to get through to him. “Then you can have what you want. We just need to work through some things first. What is it they say? Where there’s a will, there’s a way? You have to let go of the things that haunt you.”
He shook his head, his eyes dark with regret. “You make it sound so simple, but it isn’t. Don’t you think if I could, I would? Don’t you think I’ve wanted to be free of my demons?”
She swept her thumb across the shadow beneath his eye. One day, hopefully, it would be gone. One day, he would smile. She believed it.
“I don’t know. But there’s one way to find out.”
Magic’s brow scrunched in question.
Josie took a deep breath and jumped off the cliff she’d been led to nearly ten years ago.
“I have a message… from Mandi.”
Chapter Nine
Magic paced the floor of Josie’s room once again, struggling to process all she’d revealed to him. He was moments away from turning, his panther needing free so bad, he could hardly breathe. The only thing stopping him was Josie. He didn’t know how the animal would react to her. His beast needed to claim… even though his scent already saturated her. It was strong enough now, the others would notice. And damn, if that didn’t make him feel something in his scarred-to-hell heart.
He glanced at her. She sat arms crossed against the headboard looking ill. And if what she’d told him was right, her body was going through a massive transition. She must be scared and hurting, but she looked as badass as she always did.
So brave, his mate. So fucking strong.
No wonder their bond was powerful.
But it didn’t change their circumstances. It didn’t change the shit he’d been through or the shit she was going through now. It didn’t change the promises he’d made to his clan.
“She turned you.” Magic shook his head in disbelief. “That’s… that’s not even possible, you realize that, right?”
Josie pressed her lips together, shooting him a glare that could burn up the moon.
“So… what? She’s stuck in some purgatory or something, is that what you’re telling me?”
Josie shrugged one shoulder, but it didn’t come off as careless. He could see that she cared very much about Mandi by the tears that had filled her eyes as she told him her story. Maybe even as much as he did. Had. Did.
Goddamn it, he was so confused.
“She had unfinished business. Her animal wouldn’t allow her to pass on until she fixed it. That stuff happens, doesn’t it?”
Magic shook his head. “No. When we die, we die. There aren’t any nine lives or shit, we’re just… gone.”
“Well. I guess she was special.” Her words were quiet, keeping guard of so much emotion.
Magic looked at her.
She was trembling, sitting there trying to look okay. She was holding back, and he hated it. Nothing should be secret between them. Not her feelings, and not his. Not her past, not his. But if he didn’t stop bonding with her, they were going to be in a world of trouble.
“This doesn’t change anything,” he murmured. “I made a promise to the clan, to myself, and I won’t break it.” The words burned his throat all the way out. Josie was his mate by the bond he felt with her, but also he was mated to the cat she’d inherited. The cat that he’d already claimed. It explained how his scent marked her.
Denying her like this was shredding his panther, and eviscerating his heart.
The animal whimpered inside. Magic grunted against the pain in his chest.
He was such a damn bastard. He’d asked Eagan to do this very thing. No, he’d demanded. Threatened. Given him an ultimatum.
Something had to give within the clan or his cats were going to fall apart. But hell if he knew what.
“Maybe we just need time to get used to this,” Josie said carefully, her throat working around a swallow. “Maybe you don’t… you know… see a future with me now, but—”
“Not now. Not ever.”
He should allow her to think it was her. That she was the thing he had a hang-up with, but he couldn’t. He went to the bed, his knees hitting the floor beside it. Taking Josie’s face in his hand, he brushed his thumb across her cheek.
“What happened to Mandi…” He swallowed, waiting to feel the furious panic he normally felt from speaking her name, but it didn’t come. “I can never let it happen again. Do you understand? I cannot—will not—take any chances with you.”
Josie’s brow furrowed and her voice shook. “Do you really believe you can’t be faithful? Are you that steeped in the traditions of ancient cats that you can’t see your own way? Because others see it. Renner does, and Eagan. Mandi. She’s not even on this plane and she sees it.”
“Don’t…” Magic warned.
“No, you don’t. Ten years ago, she put her cougar in me. It’s been lying dormant all this time. It would have remained that way if you and I hadn’t bonded. But we did. You fell for me on your own, and I fell for you. The cat is just completing what we started, giving you, us, a fresh chance. Call it magic or fate or a goddamn Thanksgiving miracle, because I don’t know how the hell it’s possible. Mandi found a way to make her mistake right. If you don’t want to accept it…” She shook her head, her red-rimmed eyes going wet once more. “… then that’s on you.”
Magic stared at her for so long, wishing things were different. Wishing he was a different man. One not bound by rules and history and… fear. God, the fear was like a chain around his neck, yanking him back every time he got too close to giving in.
He stood, focusing on the floor to gather his courage. “I need to go. And I think… I think you should leave the lodge. If you’re not feeling okay to drive, I can have Owyn take you and Gash can drive your car.”
She turned her face away, finding something of interest on the quilt that covered her legs. “You’re kicking me out. That’s your big plan? To avoid me?”
He didn’t miss the pain in her voice even though she did her best to cover it. His poor, sweet mate. She had everyone fooled with her tough outer shell, but not him. Not anymore. He wanted to say fuck it all, and pull her into his arms, and just try. He wanted to try with her.
But one day, she’d thank him for this.
“Yes.”
She picked at an invisible thread.
“It’s a dumb plan,” she muttered. “My friends live here. I come around a lot.”
“I’d never keep you from them. Warn me when you’re coming and I’ll stay away.”
“Warn you. Like I’m a disease or a prescription drug with side effects.” A sad laugh fell from her lips. “Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that. Sir.”
Silence took up the space between them, making her feel suddenly a million miles away.
“Just go,” she said, softly. “Go.”
Magic shuffled to the connecting door on weak legs. Maybe it was time to make things right
with his panther. Run the forest like the others did, and just… listen.
He turned back for one last look. Her dark locks fell like a curtain shielding her face.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed.
And then walked away.
***
Josie’s alarm blared from her phone. Three short beeps that repeated over and over until she got her ass up to turn it off. It sounded sonic boom loud to her new feline ears. And the headache that had sprung up from hours of crying didn’t like the sound either.
She hissed, and then threw her head back on the pillow, letting her new reality sink in.
She’d slept the entire day and night through. People had come to check on her but she’d turned them all away. She was giving herself until the morning to be sad. To recover. To cry.
Josie scowled at the ceiling.
She’d cried over Magic. That bastard. How could she feel so much for him? And he had feelings for her too. She could sense them through that damn mating bond. Not that the bond meant anything to him if his plan was to just quit.
If there was one thing she’d learned from Beth, it was that you could only drag a person out of their own shit for so long. After a while, they had to want to leave the hole themselves. All she could do was wait until he was ready, and hope it was sooner rather than later.
Josie sighed. She’d failed to help Magic. For now. But she could still do what she came here to do.
Help Beth and Renner.
She could love Magic from afar while she helped give them a baby. Then she’d go away like he wanted. Maybe they could even put her in one of the cabins for the nine months of pregnancy. That way the two of them wouldn’t run into each other much. The idea left her feeling empty inside, but the thought of holing up in her own place, binging on ice cream by the fireplace helped.
A little.
Her nose tingled, warning her tears were coming.
“Enough,” she growled, throwing the covers off.
She didn’t feel physically weak anymore. The sleep had done her good, and the bonding had strengthened her latent cat.
She showered, happy to wash away the ickyness from crying. Pausing mid-scrub, she wondered if Magic’s scent would wash down the drain. In a normal situation, once a cat was marked, it was permanent. But she wasn’t normal, and he hadn’t gone all the way with her.
She finished, and stepped onto the plush rug to dry herself. Heart pounding in her chest, she inhaled deeply, her eyes closing in relief when his scent mixed with hers invaded her senses.
Leaning against the counter, she let the smell calm her. She couldn’t be panicking like that. She had to be strong. No one could see how badly Magic’s denial affected her.
She lifted her head to the reflection in the mirror.
She was fierce. A fighter, Mandi had called her. And now she was legitimately, a lioness.
Kinda.
“Rawr,” she said lamely to her own reflection.
Josie dressed, taking extra time with her makeup. Standing back to look in the mirror, she found her spirits lifting. No one would tell she’d been crying. Her best jeans, the dark ones with strategically places holey spots, hugged her ass like a lover, and the low cut cashmere sweater she wore made her girls look ready to jump out and wave hello.
If you can’t feel good, dress good. A rule of life according to Josie.
She took the time to blow out her hair, letting her natural waves fall down her back, and her look was complete.
“There. Ready to face the world.”
Phone in hand, she stepped into the hall and made her way toward the spa. First she’d settle things with Beth, then she’d pay a visit to Doc Davis to make sure everything was kosher in the lady department now that she was… shifterizing.
Magic still had lessons to learn. One she knew well: life goes on even if you choose not to. It doesn’t wait for you.
And she wasn’t waiting for him to live hers.
Chapter Ten
Magic’s panther bounded down the mountain trail, bunching his hind legs for a jump that was probably too high. The rock cliff coming up would be nearly impossible to land, but he felt like pushing himself to the extreme. It felt good to finally let go of all the hate he held for his animal. And maybe he wasn’t done hating the bastard. After all, he was keeping him from his female. But it was a start. To be in his fur again and not despise every minute of it, was definitely a start.
He had to make some changes, that much he knew. It was like Doc said, if he didn’t figure out how to let go of Mandi, he’d never heal from their mating.
Mandi. Mandi, Mandi, Mandi…
He let the name roll around in his thoughts as he leapt for the side of the cliff. He caught it with his front paws and hooked his rear ones on a flimsy tree branch, pushing himself up.
He’d done it.
Turning in a circle, he looked out over the heavily covered forest. Oranges and yellows and reds mixed with the firs that would stay green all year long. Another week and the leaves would fall, leaving only branches to catch whatever ice and snow the winter would bring them.
His land was beautiful. He didn’t look at it enough. Instead, he shut himself in his office and submerged himself in work. Or the lodge events. Or other people’s problems. In order to avoid his own. He’d gone to Doc for help, claiming to want a change, but he’d been completely unwilling to accept any.
Now he was on a precipice. Both literally and figuratively.
Mandi.
Sadness filled him and his animal whined into the wind blowing by. He’d failed her in life. He hadn’t given her what she needed to be okay with their mating. But no matter how much he regretted it now, he couldn’t change it. Such was the way of fucking up. Making amends was never as easy as making the mistake.
He closed his eyes, letting the sun soak his fur and ward off the November chill while he recalled Josie’s words.
You’ve got it all wrong, Magic. She didn’t end her life just to escape. That was part of it, but ultimately she left because she thought you’d be better off. You were never as invested in the relationship as she was, and she could see what it was doing to you both. With her gone, you could be free again.
And so could she.
It isn’t what any survivor wants to hear when a loved one commits suicide, I get it. I’m so damned sorry, I am. But that was her frame of mind when she took that poison. Except neither of you were freed by her death. Your misery and her guilt locked her in that storm tighter than any prison. She wants to make it right now. She wants to move on, but she has to know you’ll heal.
Mandi was stuck in that storm from his dream, wanting to make her own amends so she could move on. She’d watched him spiral out of control to the point where he’d hurt his friends. She’d seen his faithfulness to their mating even though he hadn’t intended for her to. And she’d sent him Josie.
Somehow, Mandi found a way to give him his mate back.
But didn’t she understand he couldn’t do it again? Not physiologically, but… emotionally. He couldn’t watch another woman wither away under doubt and suspicion. Most especially, not Josie. Not vibrant, rebellious Josie. Not his Josie. It would break him to the point of disrepair. A fucking wrecking ball to the heart. He’d be done.
Magic turned to run the hill, finding a trail downward. The sound of his paws crunching through leaves soothed the ache in his chest. For once, he accepted that the animal was as hurt as he was over what Mandi had done. Together, they felt it. Together, they’d endured. He didn’t need to fight his animal. Not anymore, when it was all he had left.
A low snarl came from a tree above him, stopping Magic in his tracks. The branches rustled and air rushed past his ears as a speckled jaguar jumped to the ground. Ears pulled tight against his head, Eagan’s jag stood before him.
“Reeeeeeeeoww.” The threat rang through the woods, sending smaller animals scurrying.
Magic chuffed at the other cat, and lifted his nose to scent the
air.
Ah. Crazy Clara’s scent traveled on the breeze.
Eagan’s aggression made sense. Magic was too close to his mate.
Magic ducked his head once. He wasn’t in a fighting mood. In fact, he felt compelled to fix things with Eagan. Or maybe to at least try to understand why his friend was so willing to risk his female.
Eagan’s ears lifted and his expression relaxed, his whiskers easing.
Magic turned to cut through the trees. He’d avoid this area from now on. It was clearly a place of importance to Eagan and his mate, and he was working on not being such a Jupiter ass.
The maze through the forest back home was exactly what he’d needed to help solidify his decision. Returning to where he’d left his clothes, he quickly shifted. His thick black fur smoothing to become skin. His claws retracting to fingers. He breathed deep to get his bearings, letting the humanity return to his body and mind at its own pace.
He dragged his jeans on, followed by his boots, forgetting to tie the laces. He thought about skipping the shirt, but where he was going, he didn’t want to push his luck. Sliding the black cotton over his head, he started down the path toward the cabins.
One sat farther off the path than normal. It looked cold and uninviting. The weeds had grown up around the steps and fallen leaves completely covered the stone walkway. It was his, but Magic didn’t pause his steps. He’d go back and clean things up later. Make it look livable. Nothing that belonged to him should be so uncared for.
His step faltered and his thoughts rushed to Josie.
What the hell was he going to do? How could he care for her like she deserved from afar?
Walking on, he found the cabin he was looking for. Nestled between a row of firs and a towering oak tree, the little place looked homey. A row of pumpkins lined the porch on either side of the steps and smoke puffed from the chimney.
Magic stopped at the door, giving it a loud rap.
Minutes later, the lock shifted and Eagan’s face appeared in the opening. His expression was wary, and Magic tried to look around him to the inside.
