by Shaye Marlow
“Scouting for things to hunt,” Zack amended.
“Hunting for squirrels,” Rory added, showing me what his version of wide-eyed innocence looked like.
J.D. shook his head, and we were soon emerging from the woods. A little cabin came into view.
A blonde woman was standing on the front step. “Heard you assholes coming,” she announced as the boys piled out. She blinked at me. “Holy hell, you brought somebody with a vagina.”
J.D. winced. “Ah, Thea, this is my foul-mouthed sister, Helly. Helly, Thea, my ‘friend’.”
I smiled and gave her a little wave.
“Your friend, huh?” She eyed me. She seemed kinda intimidating. And unfashionable, in bright, striped PJ bottoms and a camouflage tank top. I liked her instantly.
Zack and Rory elbowed their way past Helly to let themselves into the cabin.
“Can we come in?” J.D. asked.
“Yes, and actually it’s good that you’re here. I wanted to do a little brainstorming.” She turned and followed the other two in. “You idiots aren’t gonna find anything,” I heard through the open door. “I hid the—son of a bitch, where did that even come from?”
Chapter Eight
J.D.
Well, it didn’t seem like Helly had scared her too very badly. That was good.
I made a beeline for the TV. “You still have my old Xbox,” I noted as Rory and Zack uncapped a dark glass bottle.
I started to riffle through games, only to remember that Thea was along. And I was trying to romance her. And I ignored people when I played video games.
It occurred to me to ask her to play, but… Nah. Having decided to be present and social, I regretfully set the game cases back down.
Thea’s subtle flower scent reached my nostrils as she moved in close. “I’ll play Halo with you,” she said.
Is this what love feels like? I wondered as I gazed down into her dark eyes. For only the umpteenth time today, I realized she was gorgeous, with that lovely, description-defying hair, that cream-sprinkled-with-cinnamon skin. Those fucking lips…
And she played video games??! Insane. Impossible. I pinched myself, but damned if I didn’t feel it.
She smiled up at me, and her fingers brushed mine as she took the game. She turned on the Xbox, and opened the case.
I was still standing there like an idiot when Thea put a controller in my hand. She pulled me toward the couch, where my legs folded. She sat next to me, smelling like the most scrumptious video-game-playing thing ever.
Helly plopped down on the other side of Thea. “These three are crazy,” she told her. “You should spend absolutely as little time with them as possible, if you know what’s good for you.”
“They seem all right,” Thea said.
Helly laughed. It was a long, disbelieving belly laugh that skirted the edge of hysteria. When her head snapped back down, her eyes were all squinty. “They are not,” she said, slashing with her hand.
“Helly, leave it be,” I said.
Thea had opened up a versus game. She selected rocket launchers. I decided to give her a fighting chance, and chose a pistol.
“Okay,” Helly said. “Standard warning: They’ll break your shit and make you cry.”
Thea nodded absently, her attention on the screen.
Helly made a sound of frustration and threw up her hands. “Fine! You don’t believe me about their dysfunction, I’ll show you. Brainstorming. I need some new ideas.” She pushed herself off the couch.
“Tentacle monsters!” Rory blurted.
“Helly writes erotica,” I informed Thea, waiting for the shock, the mortification.
“Oh.” She seemed less than stunned, but maybe she was just distracted. She was using our environment to skillfully evade me.
Helly returned with a pen and notebook. Rory and Zack parked themselves on the floor at either end of the couch, apparently planning on watching Thea and I beat each other to death while they drank.
“I wanna do something new and interesting,” Helly said. “Tired of werewolves and billionaire stepbrothers,” she muttered.
“Aliens with three breasts,” Zack said, looking up in time to catch Helly’s disparaging look.
“No, I’m talking about plot,” Helly said. “I wanna do something new.”
Zack’s head tilted. As usual, his thinking face looked painful. “They all die in the end?”
“No, shut up,” Helly said. She looked at Thea. “Ideas?”
“How about a Choose Your Own Adventure? I used to love those as a kid.”
I appreciated Thea’s idea, and shot her while she was distracted.
“Dammit,” she muttered.
“I love it!” Helly announced.
“How about an alternate dimension?” I suggested. As far as I knew, she hadn’t done that yet.
From the corner of my eye, I could see Helly nodding. “How does our sexy hero wind up in this alternate dimension?” she asked.
“Catapulted,” said Rory.
Helly’s incredulous stare morphed into a ‘you’re a genius’ glance. “Gimme at least two more choices,” she said.
“He could stay home and play video games,” I said. Thea was really good… but I was better. She would bow to my prowess, crumple before my mad skills.
“Okay,” said Helly. “Your 55-inch flat screen TV falls forward and crushes you to death. The end.”
“Hey!” I looked up.
Thea took the opportunity to shoot me in the foot. Because she was using a rocket launcher, my corpse flew through the air flopping like a rag doll for a good while after.
“Cheap shot,” I muttered, and respawned.
“Second choice: Catapultation,” Helly said. “How does our hero get catapulted?”
“By accident?” Rory asked.
“He’s trying to mail himself,” said Zack.
Helly shook her head. “You know what? I’ll think of something. So what’s our third choice? Couch, catapult, or…?”
“That begs for another C-word,” Thea said.
“Castration!” hollered Rory.
“No, Rory,” Helly said with pseudo-patience. “It’s erotica. We aren’t castrating anyone.”
“Well fine, then how about cunnilingus?” he returned.
Helly laughed. “You meet this gorgeous girl on the street. She’s dressed all in red. You talk to her, manage to—”
“Wait,” said Zack. “That should be another decision point. Talking to women is a minefield.”
“Can’t he just ask her for sex?” Thea asked.
All of the males in the room sputtered. “No!” Zack yelled. “That would get us slapped, or kneed in the nuts.”
She frowned. “Then what would you do, assuming she’s not as easy as my roommate?”
“You have an easy roommate?” asked Rory.
“We act cool, and buy her a drink,” said Zack. “And then maybe another. Just until she’s well-oiled.”
“Orrrr, you could try being a gentleman,” Thea said. She managed to spin away, evading my blow to the back of her head. “Just…” She button-mashed, trying to make me eat rocket. “…hold the door for her, hold her umbrella, that sort of thing. Dammit, J.D., hold still!”
I grinned at her sound of frustration.
“Chivalry’s dead,” Zack said.
“Bullshit!” she burst out. When she turned back to the screen, her character was still falling after my killing blow.
I tea-bagged her head.
“Fuck,” she muttered. “Just show her you’re a good person,” she continued. “A sense of humor’s nice. Coffee and good conversation. Someone who actually listens. Pretty eyes. Good hygiene. A job and car.”
“Jesus Christ,” said Zack. “We don’t want to marry her, we just want in her pants.”
“Okay,” said Helly. “I have ‘ask for sex’, ‘get her drunk’, and ‘take her for coffee, in the car that you own, listen to what she has to say, flash those pretty eyes, and pay for her drin
k, because you have a job’. Do we have a fourth option?”
“Rohypnol,” Rory said.
Helly slapped a palm to her forehead with a muttered curse. “No, you know what? Fine. Rohypnol: She realizes you’re trying to Roofie her, and switches the drinks. You wake up in a dungeon, with a ball-gag in your mouth, tied in position over a bench, naked.”
Thea barked a shocked laugh.
“Please don’t continue,” said Zack.
“So which approach gets us some tail?” Rory asked.
Helly nodded decisively. “Thea’s. The lady in red likes you at once. She suggests, over this coffee you’ve bought her, that the two of you go back to her place, where she’d love to suck your dick.”
Zack and Rory were speechless.
“What do the other two options get us?” I asked.
“Let’s see. Get her drunk: You stumble out of the bar, and she vomits on herself. Then she vomits on you, and it’s just a river of vomit, and suddenly you’re vomiting too. You slip on the sidewalk, which is now awash with vomit, and you get hit by a bus.”
I winced.
“What about when we just ask her?” Rory asked.
“She slaps you, and knees you in the nuts,” said Helly.
“Ha! I told—” Zack started.
“But then, an even prettier woman stops by and helps you up. She’s got a soft spot for the underdog, and she’s horny and single, and her car’s right there. You open the door for her, you both climb in, and she drives you to a nearby park, where…”
I had to glance over to see, and sure enough, my brothers looked scared.
“… you make out like teenagers, and then have sex on a blanket. It just so happens, though, that you’re doing the nasty in a fairy ring, so when you orgasm, you are transported to an alternate dimension.”
“Back to the lady in red,” Zack said. “What happens when we get her back to our place?”
“Cunnilingus,” Helly reminded him. “You’re eating her out, going deeper and deeper. Suddenly, you realize you can’t see, and you can’t breathe. Your head is stuck in a warm, wet place, and you seem to be sliding farther in. You struggle, but like quicksand, you only slide deeper. There’s a falling sensation, and then—Bam!—you hit the ground. In an alternate dimension.”
I strafed out of her way, and Thea made a scorch mark on the wall behind me.
“Slippery bastard,” she muttered. It was adorable as hell coming out of her mouth.
“Okay, so we’re in an alternate dimension,” Helly said. “Who’s the love interest?”
“Who’s not the love interest?” Zack returned.
Helly sighed.
“Is this a romantic erotica?” Thea asked. “Or just a crap-ton of sex?”
“Romantic,” Helly said.
“Then there should probably be one final hookup, love, happily ever after.”
“Agreed.” Helly was scribbling.
“But our hero can have some fun beforehand, right?” Zack asked.
“A little,” Helly allowed.
“He should run across twins,” Rory said.
Helly growled. “He looks around, and sees that he’s at a crossroads. There’re two big roads, and one smaller. Because he’s an adventurous guy, he takes the lesser-traveled. He comes upon a small cottage. When he knocks on the door, two identical gorgeous women answer. One thing leads to another, and…”
“Yes,” Rory said, pumping his fist.
“…those two lovely ladies turn out to be glamoured witches. They dice him up for use in their potions and spells. And, they sell his penis to the wizard up the road to help pay rent.”
I chuckled, and when I glanced over, Rory’s mouth hung open.
Rory slowly shook his head. “We don’t wanna go that way.”
“So this is a fantasy-based alternate dimension?” I asked.
“Sure, why not,” said Helly.
“Why do our other two choices have to be roads?” Thea asked. “You offered us a path less taken, but how about one not taken at all—straight into the woods.”
“Okay,” said Helly. “Four choices: The two roads, the witches’ driveway, or straight into the woods. Who’s our love interest gonna be? We should introduce her soonish in the book—maybe not let them hook up right away, but we should at least see her.”
“How about Bigfoot?” Rory said.
“What?”
“Bigfoot. Some hypotheses suggest that Sasquatch is actually from a parallel universe,” Rory explained.
Helly sat for a moment, mulling. Finally she nodded. “Monster erotica.”
Zack groaned. “Can she at least be a pretty Bigfoot? Or one with three breasts?”
“No,” Thea said. “She should be big, and hairy. And very misunderstood.”
“Or you could have two love interests,” I said. “Or even more: One for each choice, so you could wind up with a harem girl, or a princess, or a dragon-rider.”
Helly thought about that while Thea and I had an intense moment.
I’d snuck up behind her again and was trying to finish her with the butt of my gun. She spun around and pulled the trigger. Mid-jump, I managed to dodge. She fired at me several more times, but I dashed behind a wall, and when she followed… I was gone.
“You sonofabitch,” she muttered.
I chuckled, loving her competitive, bloodthirsty side.
“I dunno about that,” Helly said. “It just feels… scattered. I think I like the all-roads-lead-to-her-approach better.”
“But this is a Choose Your Own Adventure,” Zack pointed out. “We should have at least some choice in the final outcome.”
Thea and I both button-mashed as she found me again. The TV was a chorus of gunshots.
“Just… take it!” Thea growled through gritted teeth, trying to get a lock on me. “Accept your fate!” She jumped to her feet, shooting at me furiously.
I laughed with delight as she threatened to do some really dirty things to my eye sockets.
“Okay, how about two love interests,” Helly said. “The lady Bigfoot, and… someone gorgeous, with a perfect body.”
“Typical,” Thea muttered.
But Zack and Rory were excited. “Can she be blonde?” Rory asked. “Of the master race, like us?”
Thea glared at them, and I saw that Helly was doing the same. “I can’t believe you just said that,” she said. “Actually, you know what? I can believe it.” Helly looked at Thea. “Are you sure you want to hang out with them? Even knowing what they think of you? I mean… Rohypnol!”
“Hey,” I said, “Rory speaks for himself. I happen to love…” I hesitated, and waved my hand to indicate Thea’s hair, “whatever color that is. And brown eyes,” I added, gazing into hers.
“I think it’s called auburn,” Helly said while Thea blushed. I appreciated how lovely it was for all of a second.
Then I shot her.
“So we’ve got a road to the north, a road to the south, or we could go into the woods. What’s in the woods?” Helly asked.
“Tentacle monster,” Rory said, just as Zack said, “Blow-up doll.”
Helly threw her pen down in disgust. “You know what? That’s it for today. I’ve got enough to get started, and I’ve had it with you two. Get out.”
“You’ve blown up enough trees for one day,” I argued. I hadn’t been able to drive away before Zack and Rory reloaded their homemade rocket launcher, and now they were clamoring like a couple of kids.
“C’moooon,” said Zack. He was clinging to the back of my seat like a booger, his whining projected directly into my ear. “That dynamite didn’t come cheap, you know.”
“Yeah, that’s why you should conserve it,” I said. I glanced over at Thea, worried my brothers might be irritating her.
But no. She looked entertained.
“That’s like saying you should go to the theater and buy popcorn, only to save it, take it home, and store it on a shelf,” Rory said. “We don’t want stale, shitty popcorn.
We want to eat it when it’s fresh, and buttery, and the film’s rolling.”
“Dynamite doesn’t go bad,” I argued.
“Carpe diem, J.D. Quit being such a stiff.”
I shifted gears. “You know, felling trees on state land is illegal. We’re talking a thousand-dollar fine, per tree.”
Zack’s raspberry was blown directly into my ear. “They’ll never find out. It’ll look like the tree just fell over. The wind, you know. It happens all the time.”
“C’mon, J.D.,” urged Rory.
“Yeah, J.D. C’mooon.”
Thea’s grin was only getting bigger.
I sighed. “Okay, fine.” They drowned out my voice with their cheers, and I waited a few moments to continue. “One tree. And it has to be absolutely, clearly, unquestionably in the way.”
I continued to drive, roughly following the GPS’s little dotted line from Helly’s cabin back to my brothers’. And now they were both breathing down our necks as they peered out the windshield, scoping out the perfect victim.
“Ohhhh,” they both said at the same time, and I knew exactly which one they had spotted. It was the monster birch tree they’d wanted to blow up the first time through, three thick trunks emerging from a large mound, filling the little gully and perfectly blocking our path.
“That’s three trees,” I said.
“Nono, it’s one! One root ball, they’re attached, they’ll all go down together. Therefore, it’s one tree. And it’s totally in the way!” Rory argued.
“We want that one,” Zack agreed. He handed Thea the launch button.
“Now, wait just a minute. If we’re gonna do this, we should do it smart. That tree’s sorta leaning this way, and we should plan where we want it to—”
Zack ignored me, and helped Thea jam her finger down on the button.
Zack and Rory hooted and chortled like buffoons as the rocket streaked into the base of the mound. Like last time, the KABOOM! shook the Jeep and battered my eardrums, and dirt sprayed over the windshield.
I was just reaching for the windshield wipers when the windshield exploded. Glass sprayed, Thea screamed, and the roof of the Jeep slammed inward on a crunch of metal.
The engine died, and the resulting silence was filled with harsh breathing, the tell-tale hiss of a fucked-up radiator, and the opportunistic buzz of mosquitos.
