He stood and came over to me, motioning for me to stand. When I did, slowly, he smiled. As soon as I set my guitar down next to me, he smacked me in the chest. “Why didn’t you say that in the first place?”
I stiffened, suspicious. No way could someone recover that fast after hearing that their best friend wanted to kill their only goal in life. Could they? Had I misjudged him that badly? After all this time?
“Shit, man.” He shook my hand, then pulled me into a half hug, smacking my back a lot harder than my chest. “I can’t believe you’ve been holding all that crap in for so long. What’s your problem?”
“Too many to count,” I said, laughing, relieved and shocked as hell by his reaction but wanting it to be real.
My happiness fell a little as we parted, and I saw how forced his smile looked. His teeth were showing, but his lips were tight, and the smile didn’t even make it halfway to his eyes.
“You sure you’re okay with this?” I asked. “We could talk about it more. Maybe come up with a plan.”
“The plan’s already been made, dude. No more Defense. Done. It’s that easy. I’m not going to force my bestie to do something he hates doing.”
The words coming out of his mouth were great—exactly what I wanted to hear. But I couldn’t help wondering if I’d been right the first time. Nothing was this easy. Nothing came true just because somebody said it. That wasn’t how life worked. It wasn’t how people worked.
“Even if I’m not in the band anymore, you don’t have to break it up. I mean, you guys could still make it happen. I could still write the songs, and Pete could sing lead.”
He laughed. “No offense, Dec, but neither of us is as stupid as we look. Without a pretty face out front, our chances of going prime time get a whole lot worse.”
I could’ve named ten incredible bands off the top of my head whose lead singers weren’t easy on anyone’s eyes, but unfortunately, things were different now. With the advent of YouTube and constant cruelty of trolls and the media, the industry nowadays was more about celebrity than music. Sure, there were exceptions, but the more idiotic, immaterial boxes you could check off, the better your shot would be.
“Besides, I’ve been thinking something similar lately.”
I jerked back a step. “I thought the band was your everything.”
“It was…is. But I’m tired, man. Too much partying, not enough pussy.”
“You’re a pig, you know that?”
He busted up. “I told you—I’m not as stupid as I look. All this shit is just a lot more intense than I thought it would be, and I’m not good at moderation.”
“So, you’re really not pissed at me?”
He pinched both of my cheeks and forced my head side to side. “How could anyone be pissed at a face like this one?”
I swatted him away, but he’d already let go. “Ever the shithead.”
“A man’s gotta stay true to who he is.” He went back to the couch and grabbed his apartment key. “We’re still gonna jam, though, right? You come up with the tune and the lyrics, and I pretend like I’m helping?”
“Always, my brother.”
“Hey, have you taken that song into the studio already? The one you were playing when I got here.”
“It’s not even close to being ready.” I shook my head, wishing he hadn’t heard it through the door. Not only was the song not good enough to share yet, all the emotion I’d put into it was still a big mess in my head. “It needs a lot of work before I let anyone hear it.”
“Except me,” he said, smiling. “Play it again.”
“Now?” I asked, picking up my guitar without thinking. Part of me was proud that he’d liked what he’d heard enough to want to hear it again. The other part was terrified I’d break down halfway through if I actually played it for him.
“No, the next time I’m pounding on your door. Of course, now.”
“It’s not finished yet.”
“Then play what is finished.”
When I realized he’d never give up, I nodded slowly. “It’s still really rough. There are a couple lines I’m not crazy about, and—”
“Shut up and play, Dec.”
I sat down and set my guitar on my lap, taking my time and pretending the perfectly tuned strings needed adjusting.
“How ‘bout you play the damn song before I go bald and need a hearing aid?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll play.” I kept my head down because the song and the pain that had inspired it were too fresh to look anyone in the face. I fucked up the second verse a little, and my fingering wasn’t as fast as I wanted it to be in the chorus, but I got through the whole fucking thing without bawling like a little kid.
After the last note, neither of us said anything for a minute. When I finally looked up at him, his face reflected the kind of thoughtful calm I hadn’t seen since before all this started.
“Told you it wasn’t ready yet,” I mumbled.
“Are you kidding? That was some good shit, man. Really good shit. I could hear your heart in it. It’s been a while since you put your heart into something like that.”
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “It has.”
“Send it to me. I don’t care if it’s a shit recording. I just want to listen to it again.”
“I can do that.” I glanced at my computer, thinking about how easy it was to record a track and email it to someone nowadays. “But it’s for your ears only.”
“Of course.” He slapped his hands together and smiled. “Now, I’m going home to catch up on the z’s I missed last night. Then I’ll talk to the guys and let them know Self Defense is splitting.”
“I think I should do it. Don’t you?”
He shook his head as he walked to the door. “It’ll be better coming from me. Plus, if they need someone to punch, we don’t want anything to mess up that pretty face of yours.”
I smiled. “I told you—just because I’m not in Self Defense, doesn’t mean you guys can’t keep it going.”
“Oh, dear, sweet little Declan,” he said, laughing. “That’s never going to happen. We can’t write, can’t sing, and I don’t think I could handle being the only gorgeous one left after you leave.”
“Don’t make that call yet, Trev. Let’s talk to the guys together.”
“Fine. Tomorrow night? They’ll both take it better if they have a couple beers in them.”
“One beer,” I said, shaking my head. “Telling them after more than one will only make things harder.”
“Good point. Especially with how weepy Sam gets when he drinks hard liquor.”
“Then maybe we can come back here after. Get all nostalgic and play some of our old tunes.”
“Double shit, no. We gotta go out to raise some hell before our fame disappears. Our last hurrah while we’re potentially famous could make us forever infamous!”
Nothing could sound less appealing than that, actually. “I’m still dealing with being dumped, so I might not be any fun.”
“All the more reason to go out, get shit-faced, and let a random long-legged beauty in stripper heels take advantage of you.”
“I’ll let you know.” We shook hands and bro-hugged again at the door. “So, we’re good?”
“Always, bro.”
“Thanks for understanding, Trev.”
“Thanks for coming clean. But next time, maybe do it a year or so earlier?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled. “I’ll do that.”
“And send me that song before you forget.”
“I’ll do that, too.”
That had gone ten thousand times better than I’d imagined it would. Almost made me wonder if I was missing something. I knew how much the band meant to him, and knowing that my happiness meant more than that left me speechless.
I watched him walk to the elevator and press the button. It would be too fucking Hallmark or romantic comedy if I stayed in the open doorway, waiting and hoping he’d turn around to see me again and then reading something into it, so
I shut the door and grabbed my laptop.
After I recorded the song and emailed the file to Trevor, I went into my bedroom and got under the covers with Kitty. We stayed there for the rest of the day—her snoring peacefully, and me wondering what would happen next. At least it couldn’t get any worse, right?
34
Sara
I stood outside Declan’s apartment, staring at his door for a minute. Okay, fine. But it was no more than ten. Plus, I did a little pacing, too. Gotta get in the cardio when you can, right?
“Oh shit.” I jerked, looking for a place to hide when I heard the elevator doors open. Unfortunately, the hallway was just that, a hallway, with no plants or corners to hide behind. There was a window at one end, though. Which, in San Francisco, meant there was probably a fire escape right outside. Unfortunately, all that nervous pacing hadn’t improved my ninja skills enough to get there in time. So, I pretended to casually look outside—i.e. hide my face—and hoped it wasn’t Declan.
“Sara?” a woman’s voice asked. “Sara, is that you?”
I slowly turned around, contemplating my response. Declan’s neighbor-slash-dog sitter, Rebecca, stood there, smiling at me while rummaging around in her purse, presumably for her keys.
“Hi,” I whispered, praying these walls were thick enough that he hadn’t heard Rebecca say my name. “How are you?”
“Good. Is Declan out? Dang it. I should’ve checked with him earlier. I was hoping I could borrow Kitty tonight. She’s great company. I swear I’m going to miss that dog so much when he leaves.”
Should I lie? Tell her he was out even though I still had no idea if he was or not? Because I hadn’t built up enough courage to knock on his door. “I’m not sure, actually. I just got here myself.” I could tell by her expression she was confused by my implausible timeline. So, I did what any sane person would do—I added another lie on top of the first one. “A bird hit the window. I was checking to see if it was okay.” If I were lucky, I’d figure a way out of it before I hit the four-lie maximum during one conversation.
“Oh, the poor thing,” she said. “I owe you an apology, then.”
“For what?”
“Well, when I saw you here, I assumed you were pretending you hadn’t been standing outside Declan’s door, wondering if you should knock or not.” Thankfully, her smile was friendly, not condescending or judgmental. I wasn’t sure I could take any more judgment—I’d already done enough of it.
I threw my hands up. “You won’t tell him I’m a total coward, will you?”
“Of course not. It’s none of my business. But I don’t know what you’re afraid of. Declan’s incredible, and he really likes you.”
I must have reacted visually because her expression changed, and she nodded even though I hadn’t said a word. Damn my face.
“Are you guys fighting?”
I shrugged. “It was a misunderstanding—he misunderstood one of my issues for another one of my issues, a more hurtful one.”
“Sounds complicated.” Her keys clinked together as she pulled them out of her bag. “Will a drink give you courage?”
I followed her toward her door, my stomach churning a warning that under no circumstances should I dare pour anything alcoholic into it. “Maybe a glass of water?” So, if I ever did gather up enough courage to knock on his door, at least my throat wouldn’t be too dry to speak.
Just as she cracked open her door, I heard another open behind me. Knowing it was Declan’s, I almost shoved Rebecca through hers to get out of the hallway. But all I managed to accomplish was to scare her into stopping and turning around to check what the hell was wrong with me.
“Hey.” Declan’s tone was too flat to know if he was furious, disappointed, or completely over me. His expression didn’t give away anything either. Crap, was it possible to go through all the breakup steps and get to indifference in a single day? I didn’t have enough experience with relationships to know. I’d seen a lot of people go through it, but they’d all been fairly high-maintenance women. The kind who broke down and cried if Nordstrom’s didn’t have the pair of shoes they wanted in their size. I was fairly sure a man wouldn’t do that.
Declan stood half in and half out of his doorway, his legs wide to block Kitty from escaping.
“Hi,” I muttered lamely.
“Hey, Dec. Sara came here to talk to you, but I’ve decided to kidnap her instead because you haven’t shared her at all. And I’m lonely. Plus, I need more friends. Of course, if you really, really want to talk to her, I guess I could wait a bit. Up to you. But you’d owe me…a lot, so think about it carefully.”
Whoever this woman was, I needed her to be my friend. She’d casually set it up so that both Declan and I could save face without directly offending the other. Of course, I still hoped Declan wanted to talk to me, but it wasn’t my choice anymore. I’d blown my shot when I chose to have a pity party for myself rather than thinking of him and the promise I’d made. But I crossed my fingers anyway.
He stared at me silently for a long time, probably long enough for me to have run to the window and thrown myself out of it.
“I guess I’m going to owe you, Rebecca. Sorry. Add whatever you want to my tab.”
I let out a breath of air, feeling my shoulders lower even though I hadn’t noticed they’d lifted.
I turned to Rebecca. “I think this one should go on my tab, actually. I’ll pay his off, too. Over coffee sometime?”
“Declan’s is big enough to buy a Starbucks,” she joked. “But I’ll happily call it even if you get him to stop moping through the hallway.”
“I’ll do my best.”
His smile only lifted one side of his mouth before Rebecca rushed inside her apartment and slammed the door, her “Bye” muffled from inside, but I could still hear her laughter.
I turned to Declan. “You don’t have to talk to me. I mean, I’ll understa—”
“Want to come in?” he asked, flicking his head. “Or should we go to neutral ground?”
“You pick.”
He chuckled. “Oh, so now I get to choose?” Then he blew out a breath and ran both hands over his face, finally pushing his hair back and looking at me. “Shit, I didn’t mean that. I’m just…I’m…”
“Mad at me?” I asked as I followed him inside and shut the door behind me. At least Kitty wasn’t angry—she nuzzled my leg as I walked carefully, each step a struggle to keep from tripping over her. I rubbed her head to thank her for her support.
“Hurt. Confused. Completely out of my element.”
“What do you mean?”
He sat on the arm of the couch, and I took the opposite chair. Kitty stood between us for a second like a child being forced to pick which parent they’d live with. I didn’t stand a chance—I wasn’t even her stepmom. I was more like the thief who brought her a treat to distract her long enough to steal stuff. When she realized that, she plodded over to her dad and shoved her nose into his hand until he petted her.
“I’ve been pretty spoiled my whole life,” he said. “I have very few wants. And when I do want something, I usually get it without too much struggle. Now, what I want has never been clearer”—he smiled sadly—“and I’ve never been so unsure of how to get it.” He lifted his hand from Kitty’s head and curled it into a fist. “Every time I think I finally have it within my grasp, it slips through my fingers, and I’m back where I started—empty.” He opened his fist and stared at the palm of his hand.
I was too chicken to ask if he meant a relationship or a relationship with me.
Obviously, Kitty knew how he was feeling, or maybe she was just another female who lived for his attention, but she pushed at him until he started petting her again. It must be so great to be a dog. So simple. No games or confusion or misunderstandings. Nothing to feel sorry about, no chance of screwing up and hurting the person you loved. Kitty knew what she needed and demanded it without guilt or worry.
“I’m sorry.” It came out so quietly, only Kitty
would’ve been able to hear it. So, I tried again. “I’m sorry, Declan. I didn’t mean to miss your gig, and I wasn’t out partying.”
“Where were you?”
I took a deep breath, steadying myself for the truth. Emilia and Andi had spent months trying to get me to explain what had happened with Cal, and then a few hours last night helping me figure out a way to tell Declan. But now that I was here, in front of him, it was like none of that had happened.
“Remember when we were at that bar, and I told you that people should believe the people they loved when they told them something?”
His eyes darkened. “So, I should just believe that you didn’t diss me to go out partying? Without any proof, and despite how slurred your voice was?”
“No! That’s not what I’m saying. That comment wasn’t about you.”
“Then who the hell was it about?” Damn, even Kitty glared at me angrily.
“My stepbrother…because he raped me.” I doubted either one of us had expected that to come out of my mouth quite like that. Declan’s look of shock made sense—this was the first time he’d heard about it. Mine was because I’d never told anyone so bluntly before. I couldn’t remember exactly which words I’d used to explain to my mother what Cal had done to me, but it definitely hadn’t been that direct. Neither had it been that bold when I’d told Emilia and Andi last night.
I think I just knew Declan wouldn’t blame me, no matter how much I might’ve blame myself.
35
Sara
“He…?” Declan stuttered. “Cal, the guy I met in the alley…and at your house, he…?”
I nodded. “He raped me.” I said it for him, the word already sounding stronger, more sure, even though I’d only said it out loud a handful of times.
“Are you serious?” Then he held up his hand. “I didn’t mean that to be a question. I know you’re serious. I’m just… That motherfucker.” His lips tightened and looked like he wanted to come to me but wasn’t sure he was allowed. Eventually, he must have realized he was or decided that he didn’t care whether he was or not and came over and sank down onto his knees in front of me. “I believe you.”
Immaterial Defense: Once and Forever #4 Page 24
