“Why do you always believe him over me?” My eyes stung, and I felt the heat of tears running down my face. “You’ve known me my entire life. Do you really think that all this time I’ve been hiding how evil he told you I was? I know I’ve screwed up and haven’t been the greatest daughter in the world, but I’ve never lied to you. I’ve made mistakes—stupid mistakes—but I’ve never deliberately hurt anyone. I wouldn’t do that.”
“Sweetie—”
“No.” I cut her off again, knowing I still hadn’t convinced her. So, anything she said right now would just be hurtful, and I didn’t want to hear it. But I also didn’t know what else to say.
“I wasn’t lying when I told you he raped me,” I said more softly. “I wasn’t lying then, and I’m not lying now. If you still don’t believe me, well…I guess I have to accept that. But maybe you should think about why you believe him instead of your daughter. Does who he tells you I am really sound like the person you know? Don’t you ever get the feeling that something isn’t right about him? That he’s just saying what he knows you want to hear? And have you ever thought that maybe when I don’t, it’s not because I’m an idiot? It’s because I don’t want to lie to you, Mom. Because I love you too much to lie to you.”
She stared at me silently. For long enough to make me hope she’d actually start thinking about what Cal got out of telling her that crap, or how he would even know if I were doing something illegal.
Boy, did I hope.
“I need to go.” I’d give her time to wake up and decide who really deserved her trust. I left her standing on the landing, watching me pick up my bag and walk to the stairs. “I’ll be back this afternoon. Promise. And I’ll listen to whatever you have to say to me then.”
39
Sara
On my way downstairs, I reached into my bag, tired of waiting for Declan to call. Hopefully, I’d catch him while he was somewhere he could talk.
That’s when I saw all the missed calls and texts. I had to scroll down through my notices to see them all. The first call had probably come in while I was in the shower. The others while I was arguing with my mom.
Five missed calls. Four texts that were all variations of ‘I really need to talk to you.’
“Shit.” I called him back, the apology already forming on my lips.
“Where the fuck are you?” Declan shouted as soon as he picked up.
“Where do I even start?” I asked, glaring at my mom who was still staring at me from the top of the stairs.
“You know what? Don’t bother,” he spat, completely misunderstanding the direction my flippancy was aimed in. “I can’t take any more of this shit, Sara. I just can’t deal with it. Not now. Not…now. You promised you’d stay here until I got back. You promised you’d pick up your phone. Damn it, Sara, I needed you. I needed someone who understood, who knows me. But you weren’t fucking here.”
“I’m here now. I’m—” I wished I could’ve reached for him to prove it. To prove that I was real and with him.
“I gotta go.”
“Wait, Declan! I missed your call because I told my mo—”
I’m not sure he heard it before he hung up on me. It had been an accident, but in his current state of mind I wasn’t sure he would’ve cared. Since I’d been the first to break our promise to one another—good reason or not—why would he care about breaking it now?
It wasn’t about me, or even us. I couldn’t take his reaction personally. I should go to him, explain it to him in person, face-to-face. Even if he walked away or screamed at me again, I should go. He deserved that, especially now when he was hurting so badly.
Of course, I couldn’t do that without knowing where he was. I wished Andi were here—she’d have been able to triangulate his cell phone location or whatever computer geniuses did.
I tried calling him back even though I knew he wouldn’t answer. As soon as his voice mail message picked up, I hung up and then called him right back, hoping he’d be annoyed enough with the incessant ringing that he’d answer just to tell me off again. No such luck.
So I texted. No idea how many times. Then I gave up and called Trevor. I didn’t know what was going on, but if anyone other than Declan did, it would be his best friend. Before he left, Declan had said something about Trevor knocked out. I hoped it wasn’t bad enough to keep him off his cell phone.
Trevor didn’t answer my call…but someone else did.
“Trevor’s phone,” a slow, groggy-sounding voice said.
“Who is this?”
“Sam. Who are you?”
Thank goodness. “Sam, it’s Sara. Declan’s…girl…friend.” Why did that word suddenly make me feel like a liar? “I’m looking for Declan. Do you know where he is? And do you know what’s happening with Trevor?”
“I think they’re still at the hospital. Well…” Fatigue and sadness slurred his words in a way alcohol could never do. “Obviously, Trevor is still there, and Dec probably is, too, but I’m not a hundred percent on that. Or much of anything right now, actually.”
“You sound exhausted. I don’t want to keep you from sleeping. But I wanted to find out if everyone’s okay.” I held it together while he explained. I think I understood about half of it because his story kept bouncing around from the bar, to Trevor, to the past, to Declan until I was so confused I had to stop him. “Trevor’s going to be alright, though, won’t he?” In the short time I’d known him, I’d come to believe that Trevor had a superhero’s liver and a toddler’s joie du vive. Nothing was strong enough to keep him down.
“Fuck, I hope so. I’m going back to see him in a few hours. Just came home to shower and grab a few z’s.”
“I’m sorry for keeping you from it. One more quick question?”
“Anything for you, Sara.” His sincerity caught my breath and held it for a second. From the moment I’d met them, each member of Self Defense had shown me nothing but respect and friendship. It was fairly obvious that they all were as screwed up in the head as I was, but that had never affected how well they treated me, or each other.
“What did I ever do to deserve you guys?” Then, realizing I’d just said ‘one more question,’ I added, “Don’t answer that. Because then you might realize I don’t deserve you.”
“Never. But I’m…”
“Right. You don’t think he’d want me to be there?”
“Declan? Nah. I think he needs you to be there.” Sam would’ve been right an hour ago, but now?
I wanted to scream. But with so much crashing down on top of me, I couldn’t even manage a whisper. Somehow, everything had gone wrong, and I’d ended up in the middle of it. How did this happen? Had I been avoiding what was really going on around me for so long I hadn’t seen the inevitable?
“Where is he, Sam?”
After he’d told me which hospital to go to, I thanked him, told him to call me if he needed anything, and then hung up.
Okay. It was time to prove I could be there for Declan like he’d been for me. He needed me now.
“Sara, what’s going on?” my mom called from upstairs.
“Nothing,” I yelled as I yanked the door open and ran down the driveway.
Cal’s lies would take time to unwind and prove wrong. I couldn’t fix Trevor, but I could help Declan. I could stand by someone who’d never once hurt me and who’d proven over and over that I could trust him.
Declan had listened and believed in me when no one else did—when I’d been too afraid to even tell my best friends. He’d heard me when I wasn’t even speaking. He’d known me even though I hadn’t deliberately let him in.
I heard my mom still calling me, but I didn’t stop. I stood on the sidewalk in front of the house, willing a cab to drive by. But they didn’t come to residential areas without reason, and they couldn’t read the desperation in my mind.
Fuck! I took out my phone to check my ride-share app. Hopefully, a car was dropping someone off nearby, and I could reserve it before anyone else did. I wa
s too upset to get my thumbs to function correctly, so before I’d even been able to enlarge the map’s screen view, my mom was next to me, out of breath.
When she grabbed my arm, I realized how she could help. “Mom, I need your car.”
“What’s going on, Sara? What happened?”
It would take three days and more energy than I had to tell her everything. “I’ll explain it to you later, but right now, I really need you to let me use your car.”
Growing up in the city had given me very little experience behind the wheel, and I didn’t even know where the hospital was. Hell, the only reason I even had a license was to prove I was over twenty-one. But there was no other way, so I had to risk it.
“No way.”
“Goddamn it, Mom! I can’t deal with your bullshit right now.”
“I’ll drive you,” she said. “You’re too upset to drive yourself. It’s not safe.”
True, but was it any safer if she was drunk? I leaned closer to her, smelling her breath.
She knew exactly what I was checking. “I haven’t had anything tonight. I…I’ve been trying to slow down.”
How many times had I heard her say that?
“I swear to you, Sara. I’m sober. Tell me where you want to go, and I’ll take you. No questions. No bullshit. Please, let me do this for you.”
After another moment, I nodded. “Fine. Saint Francis Memorial Hospital.” It was the only place he’d go—to be with his friend, to be there for his best friend, even if Trevor were still unconscious. Or…worse.
No matter what, Declan would be there. And so would I. No matter what.
I hurried back up the driveway and into the garage, my mom a few steps behind me.
I held on to the door handle and my seat as Mom drove, bracing myself as we came to each corner. She was driving faster than I’d ever seen, her eyes stuck on the road, never speaking. Thank goodness.
A few minutes later, she pulled the car into the emergency drop-off area and skidded to a stop.
“I’ll go park and—” She sighed, looking at me with wet eyes. “Can I come in after I park, or would you rather I—?” I was fairly certain that this was the first time she’d ever stepped foot out of the house without her makeup and hair done, not to mention that she was still in her pajamas.
“I’ll be okay. I can get a cab back to the house when I’m ready. Just don’t freak out if I don’t come back for a while.” I walked away before she tried to change my mind.
40
Declan
I couldn’t believe I’d had to leave my friend and come back to our building to search through Trev’s pigsty of an apartment for his insurance card and ID.
My fists hadn’t relaxed from the second that fucking hospital bureaucrat came in to bitch about needing the damn cards. They’d still have been tight and ready to punch something if I hadn’t had to use both hands to search through all the shit Trevor had been hoarding since he moved in.
“Seriously, Trev?” I’d mumbled. “You’ve only been living here for a month and a half.” Where did all that crap come from? Takeout menus, crumpled-up receipts from close to everything he’d bought in the last few years, four pairs of sunglasses—three of them broken—a crushed pack of gum, and four thousand other things. But no ID or insurance card.
“Fuck. Fuck the world and everyone in it.” And yeah, I meant everyone.
It shouldn’t have been possible to be more pissed off than I was about having to leave my comatose friend just so the hospital could fill out their stupid paperwork.
I’d really underestimated the limits of my anger.
When I’d called Sara to ask if she could grab Trev’s cards and bring them to me, I’d only been pissed at the hospital. After she missed the second call, I figured she might’ve been in the bathroom or in a deep sleep. I was disappointed, but not upset about it…yet.
At the bottom of one of his many junk drawers, I’d finally found his insurance card. I’d slipped the card into my wallet and gone up to my place to quickly vent about the hospital administrators to Sara before I headed back, to hold her in my arms and gain the strength I’d need to go fight with them over Trevor’s care. I couldn’t wait to see her, even if she were asleep. After all, she’d be there because she’d promised she would be, right?
Wrong.
At least Kitty was still there. She followed me as I stomped from room to room, calling Sara’s name. The sheets were still a rumpled mess, but Sara wasn’t wrapped in them or even hiding under them—yes, I checked. Fuck, I even checked the pantry, where I’d found Kitty once after she’d somehow gotten herself locked in. No one was there. No one was in the bathroom or kitchen or even on the microscopic balcony.
No ransom note. Not even a fucking Be right back note.
I knew she’d been through a lot recently with that asshole Cal. So, I should’ve been more understanding and less angry. But knowing that and feeling that were two very different things.
So, when Sara hadn’t picked up her phone when I needed her and wasn’t where she’d said she would stay when I needed her, I was all out of empathy. The only thing I could think about was how fucking alone I felt.
The first and second promises she’d made me, she’d broken less than two hours later. And what capped it all off was what she’d said when she finally did pick up her phone.
Know what the world’s shittiest response is when someone asks you why you aren’t where you said you’d be or answering the calls you said you’d answer?
“Where do I start?”
Was she serious? How about she start by thinking about the guy lying in a coma right now. Or maybe the guy she claimed to care about, who was an inch away from losing it because he’d had to leave his friend in the hospital to get a fucking plastic card that she should’ve been around to get for him.
At that point, I didn’t even care if I was being irrational or not. Because she didn’t care enough to keep her promises. At least not the ones she’d made to me.
41
Sara
Declan wasn’t in the waiting room, and I didn’t know how to get past security to get to Trevor’s room. So, I stood there and tried to think of the right thing to do, my arms wrapped tightly around myself to stave off the cold.
When I felt a hand touch my shoulder, I flinched and spun around, hoping the warmth was Declan’s.
I let out a sigh when I saw my mom’s face instead of his. “I told you I’d be fine.”
“And I knew you would be. But I still want to be here.” She glanced around the room and quickly seemed to understand why I hadn’t made it any farther. With her arm tucked around my waist and with me too confused to shove her away, she walked us both up to the reception desk.
“Excuse me,” she called to the woman behind the security glass. “My stepson is here. I need to see him.”
“What’s your stepson’s name?” the woman asked.
My mom’s eyes hinted that I should play along before covering her mouth and pretending to be overcome with emotion.
“His name is Trevor,” I said quickly. “Trevor Finley. They said he came in a couple hours ago.”
My mom winked at me as the woman typed Trevor’s name into her computer. The first time we worked together on anything, and it was probably some kind of crime.
The woman told us where to go and buzzed us through.
As soon as we were out of earshot, I asked her why she’d lied.
“They would never have let us back if we weren’t family,” she explained. “And since I’m his ‘stepmom,’ I won’t be expected to know his medical history or insurance information if they ask.”
“Should I ask why all of that occurred to you thirty seconds after you walked into the waiting room?”
“I was triple the wild child you’ve ever been, hon.” She grinned. “It never goes away completely.”
She stepped back when we got to Trevor’s room, giving me space as I knocked on the wall just outside of it.
&
nbsp; “Trevor? Can I come in?” When no one answered, I slid back the curtain nervously and took a few steps toward him.
Trevor was lying there alone with the machines tracking his vitals and whatever else they did. His eyes were closed, and without his normal bluster, smile, and joie du vive, I barely recognized him.
“Oh, the poor boy,” my mom said from behind me. I’d almost forgotten she was here. “Is there anything I can do, Sara?”
“I don’t know.” I wasn’t sure what I could do. Other than stand there and stare at him, frozen both in action and in temperature and wishing Declan’s incredible warmth were here.
She brushed by me and went to Trevor’s bedside, wiping a lock of hair off his forehead. “What did you get yourself into, kid?” She gently adjusted a pillow behind his head and pulled the blanket up higher on his chest. When she looked up at me, her eyes were shining.
Why did she care so much about someone she’d never met before? Just because he was important to me?
“Do you know if they’ve contacted his parents?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t think they get along very well.”
“Even so, I’m sure they’d want to be here for him.” She nodded resolutely and patted his arm. “I’m going to go find out what I can, Trevor. Try not to upset my daughter too much if you can help it, would you?”
I stepped out of her way when she started to leave.
As soon as she passed me, she stopped, put her hand on my shoulder, and squeezed gently. “Sara?” She paused a moment. “I think you should press charges on your stepbrother.” As shocking as the comment was, it was too little, too late. For a lot of reasons.
I shook my head. “I can’t. I don’t have any proof. No one would believe me.” Thankfully, I hadn’t turned to look at her before I finished my thought, part of me afraid to see her reaction, and part of me afraid she wouldn’t react.
Immaterial Defense: Once and Forever #4 Page 27
