The most obvious was for him to behave like a rational adult instead of a lust-crazed teenager, and ignore his attraction to her. That would be the intelligent thing to do, and Michael considered himself an intelligent man.
Then there was the option Claire was hoping for—the Disney fantasy option. Sweep Jenna off her feet and convince her to stay. Which would involve what? Falling in love? Getting married? Living happily ever after?
It sounded ridiculous even in his head. And even if, by some miracle, things did head in that direction, in the end they’d both regret it. He’d never been able to make a woman happy, and as much as he already liked Jenna, they were completely different people.
He and Denise hadn’t made it, and they were both in medicine. They spoke the same language and wanted the same things—or so he’d thought, anyway.
So what kind of chance would he and Jenna have? He remembered the song lyrics she’d written down for Claire. He could appreciate their power, and the restless passion of the mind that had created them, but only from a distance. He didn’t feel the kinds of things that Jenna felt. On an essential level, she was unintelligible to him.
So option two was out.
Then there was the third option. They could act on their attraction and have an affair. A no-strings, no-commitment affair.
He wanted that so much it was hard to think straight—and he could always think straight, no matter what the circumstances.
He couldn’t believe he was even considering it. He took his relationships seriously, like everything else in his life. He’d never gone into one with a built-in expiration date.
If he and Jenna got together, it would be because he couldn’t control himself around her any more. A problem he’d never faced in his life. If there was one quality in himself he’d always been able to count on, it was his self-control.
He’d gotten to that point in his thought process when the phone rang. It was Jim Healy, calling to ask if Michael could cover his shift at the free clinic tomorrow so he could observe a rare procedure at the hospital.
“I know you’re on vacation, but no one else can do it. You know I’m thinking about specializing in neurosurgery.”
“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry, you’re covered. You owe me, but you’re covered.”
He heard Jim’s sigh of relief over the phone line. “I do owe you, man. I owe you big.” There was a burst of something that sounded like applause, and Michael remembered he was at the hospital fundraiser tonight. The same fundraiser Jenna was at.
“How’s it going tonight?”
“Fine. Same old same old, you know? Your ex did a good job.”
“Yeah, Denise is perfect at this kind of thing.”
She really did make a good dinner speaker—funny, intelligent, compassionate. She’d been all those things when she’d broken up with him, too.
“You’re everything I could ever want in a man, Michael. Everything except madly in love with me.”
“That’s not true. You know I love you.”
“But you’re not madly in love. If you are, say it. Say, Denise, I’m madly in love with you.”
And he hadn’t been able to—not even to save his relationship. The words had stuck in his throat.
Suddenly, for some reason, he imagined saying them to Jenna.
He really was losing his mind.
“Any gorgeous babes there tonight?” he couldn’t help asking.
“Yeah, it’s a pretty good night, babe-wise. Denise looks awesome, of course. Luz and Sara, too. And that new obstetrician, what’s her name? Caroline. She’s very, very hot. And Allison Landry looks great, but I just found out she’s off the market. Luckily she made up for it by bringing her sister.”
Michael’s hand tightened on the phone. “Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. Jenna Landry. She’s kind of a local celebrity. She was in a rock band, the Red Mollies. I saw her in concert once, which you’d think would be a pretty good pick up line, but no dice. She’s been shooting me down all night. I’m trying not to take it personally.”
Thank God for small favors. At least he wouldn’t have to listen to his friend describe a date with Jenna in vivid detail. The thought made something thick and dark settle in his stomach.
“I should probably get back,” Jim was saying. “So, we’re cool for tomorrow?”
“Yeah, we’re cool.” As much as he didn’t want to cancel his plans with Jenna, he couldn’t let the clinic down—they were always busy on the weekends. And Jim really should observe that surgery.
He knew Jenna would understand. They’d talked about getting together a few times while Claire was here, so they’d be able to reschedule. It would be okay.
Okay with Jenna, almost certainly. Okay with Claire? Not so much. His daughter made that crystal clear when she came back an hour later.
She’d had a great time, and actually sat down in the living room to tell him about Ellie and the movie and the window shopping they’d done at the mall. If he’d waited until tomorrow to break his news, at least they could have had a nice evening together.
But he hadn’t waited, and Claire had been furious with him and stormed upstairs. Michael, as usual, had no idea what the best response would be. Go up there after her or leave her alone?
He took the easy path and stayed downstairs.
Maybe it was a good thing Claire had blown up at him, and that he’d thought about his breakup with Denise. He’d needed a reminder that he would never understand women, and that he was constitutionally incapable of giving them what they wanted.
Angela had been the first one to teach him that.
What she had said to him was eerily similar to what Denise would say a decade later. Not that she’d accused him of not being in love with her. Angela had never questioned his feelings, at least as far as they went.
Or, as she put it, as far as he’d let them go.
“What the hell does that mean?”
She’d struggled to explain. “I know you want me to be happy, but what I really want is to know that you need me. That you can’t live without me. I never feel like I have anything to give you, Michael. You’re so complete in yourself. I didn’t even know I was missing something in our marriage until…”
That’s when it had come out. The affair she’d been having for six months, with a man who, apparently, had been able to give her whatever it was she’d been missing.
They divorced quickly, and for the most part, amicably. Their friends and family were impressed by how well he handled it. They praised his unselfish willingness to let Angela go, when he must be dying inside.
And he should have been. But even though he loved her, he never felt like he was dying inside. Whatever emotional lack in him had caused his divorce also made it bearable.
Now, as he stood at his living room window watching the lights come on in the house next door, he realized he’d made his decision. No matter how much he wanted Jenna, he wouldn’t act on his attraction.
Logic was against it. And in the end, logic still trumped emotion—and the crazy, primitive urges that assailed him when Jenna was near.
He stood at the window for a minute or two longer, and then, just when he was about to go upstairs and get ready for bed, her front door opened and she came out in her running clothes.
Why was she going out at this hour?
She’d seemed fine a few minutes ago, but the only reason he could think of for her to go jogging late at night was to relieve stress, or work through some kind of problem.
The only way to find out was to ask.
***
Jenna had just slipped on her headphones when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She spun around, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw Michael standing there.
Her face flamed. All she could think about was his hand on her bare skin, that afternoon on her patio.
Friends-and-neighbors, she’d decided on the drive home. That was definitely the way to go here. So there would be no thoughts of his bare skin, or her bare skin, or�
��
She backed away a couple of steps and took off her headphones.
“Wow, you surprised me. Sorry I jumped.”
“I’m sorry I scared you,” he said. His voice was warm and deep, like melting chocolate. “When I saw you out here I was worried something might be wrong.”
“Wrong?”
“Well, it’s pretty late for a run.” He paused. “I only exercise outside my normal routine if I’m feeling stressed about something, and I guess I projected that onto you. Sorry. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. And I know this is obnoxious, but I wanted to remind you that it’s dangerous to go running at night. You’re not wearing anything white or reflective, and you—”
He paused again, and Jenna knew it was because she couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “You’re laughing at me,” he said, but he didn’t sound offended. “You’re going to remind me that you’re a big girl and you can take of yourself.”
“Actually, I was just thinking what a nice guy you are. And you were right, too. About the stress. I had a good time at the fundraiser tonight, but I also had this weird moment of insecurity. It’s not a big deal or anything. I just…felt like running, I guess.”
He looked at her for a moment, and then gestured back towards his house. “Would you keep me company for a while instead? If you go for a jog now I’ll just worry about you. And I have a favor to ask, about tomorrow.”
The truth was, she didn’t really feel like running any more. “All right,” she said, and the two of them went up his walkway and climbed the steps to his big wraparound porch.
Michael led the way to his porch swing and took a seat at one end. Jenna sat at the other end, careful to put plenty of space between them. She was comfortable with her decision to keep things on a friend-and-neighbor basis, but there was no sense in tempting fate. Especially when the night air seemed to wrap them in a soft cocoon and the simple act of meeting Michael’s eyes made her feel warm all over.
“What’s the favor for tomorrow?” she asked, and he told her about his friend and the clinic shift he had to cover.
“I won’t be back until eight, so I’m hoping we can reschedule for another night.”
“Sure, of course. That’s no problem at all. I’m free most nights next week.”
“Claire was mad at me for taking the shift,” he said, looking out over the porch railing at the quiet, tree-lined street. A soft breeze teased through the leaves. “I told her you’d be okay with it, but…”
Jenna shrugged. “She’s a teen. Teens don’t like to wait for things. She’ll probably be fine with it by tomorrow morning.” A thought occurred to her. “I could still spend the evening with her, if she wants.”
He looked at her in surprise. “Really? You’d do that?”
What was it about this man and his daughter? Something about them just made her want to help. “Of course. I’d love to have dinner with Claire. And, you know, eight o’clock isn’t so late. The three of us could still get together for a little music appreciation, if you’re not too tired when you get home.”
“That would be great.”
“Okay, then, we have a plan. What time does your shift start?”
“I’ll be leaving around two in the afternoon.”
“Tell Claire I’ll stop by around then. We can spend the afternoon together, if she wants.”
“I can pretty much guarantee that she will.” He paused, and Jenna reminded herself not to close the distance between them, no matter how much she might want to. “So…what made you feel insecure tonight? At the fundraiser,” he reminded her.
She smiled a little. “It was your ex-girlfriend, actually.”
He stared at her. “Denise made you feel insecure?”
“Well, not just her. But she was at our table at dinner, and at one point people started talking about where they’d gone to school. Everyone went somewhere impressive, but Denise kind of took the cake. Summa cum laude from the University of Chicago, top of her class at Johns Hopkins...”
She shrugged. “Before the conversation could get around to me, I left the table and went to the bathroom. And I stayed there until I figured they’d moved on to a different topic.” She sighed. “Stupid, huh?”
He was frowning at her. “But you went to school, too. For music education.”
“Sure, at a college no one’s ever heard of. And before I could enroll, I had to get my GED. I never graduated from high school.”
Michael was still frowning. In spite of herself, she felt a rush of insecurity, just like she had at the fundraiser. “I bet you don’t hang around with a lot of high school dropouts,” she said, trying to speak lightly. “Do you think I’ll be a bad influence on Claire?”
She was only half joking.
“Do you really want to know what I think?”
Did she? “Um…yes.”
“I think you’ll be a great influence on Claire. You’re caring and smart and passionate, and I bet you’re an incredible teacher. And an incredible musician.” He paused. “As far as high school goes, I won’t lie to you. I hope Claire graduates. But you left to follow your dreams, and you made them come true. That’s what I want for Claire. I want her to find out what she wants in life, and go after it with everything she’s got. Like you.”
Jenna felt unexpectedly warmed by his words. “Thanks, Michael.”
After a moment he spoke again. “I have to admit, it surprises me that anything or anyone could make you feel insecure. You seem so…I don’t know, comfortable with yourself.”
“I am, most of the time. I don’t usually waste energy comparing myself to other people or worrying what they might think. But with this reunion tour coming up, I’ve been thinking a lot about choices. Wondering if I’ve made the right ones. Plus I just turned thirty, which feels like a milestone kind of birthday. I know I’m changing, I know I’m not the same person I used to be…but I’m not sure who I’m becoming. And I’m not always sure I want to change at all.”
She wondered why she was telling him all this. It was more than she’d told anyone else.
“What are you afraid of losing?” he asked. He was looking at her intently, like he was genuinely interested in what she was saying.
“My edge. I’m afraid of losing the wild part of myself, the adventurous part. I guess I’m afraid of being domesticated,” she added with a smile. “Does that sound weird to you?”
He shook his head. “No. You’re a free spirit, and you don’t want that to change.” He studied her for a moment. “Being in Iowa probably makes you worry about it more. Your parents live nearby, right? A reminder of the kind of life you don’t want.”
“That’s pretty perceptive,” she said slowly. “And yes, my parents’ farm is just outside of town. They’re wonderful, and I had a great childhood in so many ways—but the truth is, I couldn’t wait to get away. I love my mom so much, but when I thought about having a life like hers, tied to her husband, tied to her kids, tied to the land…it made me feel like I was choking. Like I couldn’t breathe. I was always so restless…being back here makes me remember just how restless I was.” She smiled reminiscently. “My dad used to call me his gypsy girl.”
“Do you think you could settle down in L.A., once you’re out there?”
She shook her head. “Probably not. I loved Chicago, but even there I got restless sometimes. The movie project I’ll be working on should last about six months, and I haven’t decided what I’ll do after that. The truth is, I like having the freedom to roam. I don’t think I’ll ever put down roots.”
“Has anyone ever tried to change your mind?”
She looked at him, wondering what was behind the question. “Once,” she said after a moment. “I fell madly in love when I was twenty-two. Derek and I were together for three years. He was a bass player, and when his band got big he wanted me to quit the Mollies and marry him. And I was ready to do it.”
“What happened?”
“I found him in bed with my best friend. Which
ended our relationship and broke up the Mollies in one fell swoop, since she was our lead singer.”
He stared at her.
“What?” she asked after a short silence, trying to decipher his expression. Was he feeling sorry for her?
“I can’t imagine a man cheating on you. I can’t imagine being with you and even looking at another woman.”
It wasn’t the response she’d expected, but a rush of something sweet went through her.
“Well…thanks. The next time I see Derek I’ll tell him you said so.”
Silence settled over them. Michael rested a foot against the porch rail, rocking the swing gently back and forth.
“Do you miss it?” he asked after a while.
“Miss what?”
“The life you had with the Mollies. Before you broke up.”
“Sometimes. I really loved performing, and it was hard to give that up. But it’s a tough life, too. Late nights, crazy schedules, a lot of drugs around.”
“Were you ever into that?”
She shook her head. “No. My little sister, Megan, was diagnosed with cancer a few months after I left home. She died three years later. Watching her struggle so hard for life…there’s no way I would have thrown mine away on drugs.”
“Megan’s House,” Michael said softly.
Jenna glanced at him in surprise. “That’s one of Allison’s projects.”
He nodded. “I contribute to her foundation, so I get her newsletter. I didn’t realize the significance of the name, though. It’s a retreat center for families dealing with childhood cancer, right?”
Jenna nodded.
“How old was Megan when she died?”
“Fourteen.”
“She was Claire’s age. God, I can’t even imagine it. I can see why Allison does the work she does.”
Jenna slid her hands into her pockets as she looked out into the night. It was so quiet she could almost hear her own heart beating.
She’d been eighteen when Megan got the cancer diagnosis, and twenty-one when she died. One of her biggest regrets was that she hadn’t spent more time at home during those years. She’d buried herself in music, and even though she’d come home as often as she could between concerts and recording sessions, the truth was, she could have done more. The band had offered to cancel tour dates so she could take a break, but she’d said no.
Cross My Heart: A Contemporary Romance Novel Page 6
