I stop walking and just let them pass me and it’s amazing. There are people singing, holding hands, some are crying, but it’s a celebration of whoever passed away. It makes me forget my pantslessness for a few seconds, but then a little girl points at me and the mother turns her from me, like I’m too much for a child to see. I probably am.
I sigh and see the end of the procession. There is a cab in the traffic behind the mass of people and I exhale in relief.
I wave at him. The cab maneuvers over to the sidewalk where I stand.
“Royal Sonesta please,” I bark when I get in.
He doesn’t even bat an eye. I guess a cab driver in New Orleans sees everything.
Chapter Twenty-Three
One for the Record Books
I open the door to my room quietly, the crimson of my embarrassment still staining my face. My hope is that Laura is asleep, or better yet not back from her own night of debauchery. Those hopes are dashed when she looks up from her iPad, amusement spreading over all of her features.
“Where are your pants?”
“Well, if you remember I was wearing a skirt, and I have no idea where that is.”
She giggles. “You must’ve had a fantastic time if you lost your skirt. At least you have your red whore boots.” Putting her iPad down on the bed beside her she gives me all her attention. I ease onto her bed.
“That was single handedly the worst sex I’ve ever had. If that would’ve been my first time I would never do it again,” I proclaim.
Her face falls. “Really?”
“Oh my God.” I fall back on the bed dramatically.
“It couldn’t have been that bad,” she comments.
“Oh really.” I turn my face away from her. “On the way home, I really tried to decide what was worse, the teeth hitting me while we were kissing, him digging around my crotch like he was picking his nose or the fact he kept telling me to ‘come for him.’”
Silence.
I turn my head and her face is purple trying not to laugh. Then she fails and snorts come rapidly. She keeps apologizing while covering her mouth, but it doesn’t really seem sincere.
“I hate you right now.”
Snort, snort, snort.
Then I can’t help it, I begin laughing too. Tears roll down my face and fall onto the comforter.
“Did you really just say he was poking around like he was picking his nose?” She snorts again after she says this, her hand covering her mouth quickly.
“I did, I mean I was trying to move my crotch so I could help him out. He has no idea what a clitoris is or what it is for.”
“No wonder he’s single.” Snort. “I mean I can picture you now, like, here let me help you locate where you should be touching...no, not there. No, you moron!”
“I was so appalled by the entire situation I just wanted it to be over.”
“Why didn’t you leave?”
“I have no idea, it was like I didn’t want to make the situation worse.” I cover my eyes with my bicep. “I mean, I should’ve explained that everything he was doing was wrong. It was like he read one of your novels and was saying all the lines, but he didn’t even know how to kiss without teeth.”
“Oh Gawd,” she drawls.
“I mean he called it a pussy...during foreplay, if there was really foreplay.”
“You know, a lot of women like that.”
“I don’t know him, so I’m offended he’s using that language to address my beautiful vagina.”
This sends us both into hysterics again.
“I’m sorry,” Laura says after many minutes of laughing. “One night stands can be super awkward, but I think that holds the record for bad.”
“I don’t like to hold those sorts of records.”
“Is it too early to drink?”
“Why?” I ask her, closing my eyes to try to forget the night before. “You didn’t have the worst sex of your life.”
“I was fucked so hard by the biggest dick I’ve ever seen last night, even bigger than Eric’s. I’m not sure I can walk properly.”
“Oh, really? Adam’s packing?”
“With like, three suitcases and a carry on. I mean, I almost bowed at him and said thank you, but no.”
“Like this?” I held my hands about a foot apart and she nodded. “Ouch.”
“You know everyone talks about wanting a huge dick, but it was a lot of work to get that mother fucker in me.”
“Lube?”
“Lots of lube and another drink after I saw it.”
“Damn, you never would’ve thunk it.”
“I know, he’s pretty lanky looking. He hides it well. I don’t know what we expect for the bulge to show.”
I cock my head to the side. “Does your vagina need an ice pack?”
“It really does,” she confesses and then starts laughing. “My vagina is bruised and your ego is. We’re quite the pair of one night standers.”
“I will never have another one night stand, it was horrid.”
“Never say never. You can tell how people fuck by many different things. Dancing is one of them. Ben is a horrible dancer.”
“Whatever, I don’t want to talk about can’t find my clit anymore.”
Snort.
“I mean, could you imagine if guys have nicknames for us. I would be mortified. What would mine be?”
“I don’t even want to talk about sex anymore. My vagina hurts just thinking about it. Go get me some ice, huh?” She points at the ice bucket on the table. “Please,” she begs.
Chapter Twenty-Four
You Complete Me
Laura and I spend the entire day by the pool, dozing off and on. It’s hot and I’m sweating. It’s not even, as my mom would say, “glistening,” it’s sweat rolling off every inch of my body. My face is sweating and my hair is soaked. I get up to get in the pool when my phone vibrates.
“Hey,” I answer. Grabbing my bottle of water, I walk over and sink into the pool.
“Hey, listen, we have a hearing next week on a temporary injunction for your sister to make sure the press can’t release pictures of your nephew. Also, your mother is a lunatic.”
“Good and I know.” I do know. My mother is an acquired taste, one I only like in small doses. We can’t pick our family though, isn’t that what they say?
“So I have that part of all this handled. I did want to warn you that I have a friend at CNN, and they’ve tracked you to New Orleans. Are you being smart?”
I think about my pantsless walk of shame this morning. My mouth snaps shut.
“I’m serious. Megan, there is talk about tracking your tour of debauchery. I mean they have all sorts of names for you.”
“Something other than Lottery Lolita?”
“Yeah, some others,” he mutters. “Listen Megan, you’re not being as smart as you need to be.”
“Well, shit. I’ve never had to be careful before.”
“I hear you Megan, but these are going to be things you will have to deal with for a bit and then it’ll blow over.”
“I’m counting on it.” I hang up before I reach the seven minute mark. Then I text him.
You better not bill me a .2 for that call. I timed it.
He responds quickly.
You are a huge asshole. I love it.
I take a gulp of water and close my eyes. “We have to be a little more careful I think.” I’m in the pool right in front of Laura.
“Okay,” she agrees easily.
“I don’t like this part.”
“Maybe it’ll blow over quickly.”
“Maybe.” My words are slow and deliberate.
“We’ll use cash and my card. I’ve already paid it off, we have plenty of room to book the hotel for Denver.”
“Oh, yeah, Denver is next.” Tickling of nerves.
“Denver is next. We are going to an awesome concert called Soulshine at Red Rocks. It’s on my bucket list.” Laura taps at her iPad and scrolls through her email. “We’re
staying at the Ritz Carlton.”
“Fancy,” I comment.
“I’ve never stayed anywhere like that,” she says.
“Me either. They may not allow us to fuck up their atmosphere.”
“You know what I’ve found?”
“Your dignity? You lost it a while back,” I joke.
“No, people don’t care what you look like or who you are. They only care if you can pay your bill. This country talks about race and gender discrimination, but I think the real issue is about class. Rich people want to be around other rich people, they don’t want to be bothered with poor people, it really doesn’t matter what color or gender they are. The deal is if everyone here can afford a room for $500 a night, then its fine. You can’t? We don’t want you here.”
I think about this for a few minutes. “This money. The lottery money is unexpected, and I’ve never once thought about how it was to be rich. I actually have a prejudice against those people, the ones I met in law school who don’t have student loans, they didn’t have to work for it. The ones who don’t have thirty years of payments hanging over their heads for wanting to make something of their lives. Now I’m one of those people. I didn’t work for it, I got pissed and bought a lottery ticket, probably only the second time I’ve purchased any in my life. I’m really trying to wrap my brain around this entire situation, and I haven’t gotten there yet.”
“Well, it’s a lot to take in.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get it.”
“You kind of have to Megan. You just need to be smart and be grateful. Let’s figure out something to do to give back. Is there anything in particular you are passionate about?”
“Drinking?” I chuckle.
“I’m serious. You should start some sort of charity or fund one that’s threatening to go under. I’ll look into things in California and give you some ideas.”
“You make me a better person,” I quip.
“You complete me,” she retorts.
I’m lounging in bed on our last night in New Orleans. Laura is with Monster Dick. She joked I should call Nose Picker, I almost threw her out of my room. The quiet is nice. I love Laura, but it’s necessary for me to have a little down time. I call Cari.
“Hey Lolita,” she answers.
“That’s not funny.”
“It really is hilarious. You’re such a whore.”
“Don’t make me call you bad names, Cari.”
“Justin got us a hearing Tuesday. I think he’ll be able to get it handled.”
“I hope so.” I mean this. I don’t want the fact that I won this insane amount of money to impact my family in a negative way.
“We signed all the paperwork for the trust Friday. I just want to say thank you so much. Jack and I would never expect anything like that. It means the world to us. Really.”
“I want there to never be a concern about Jackson going to school. He’ll never have to pay for loans. That’s an amazing thing.”
“Nothing wrong with having to pay for loans you know,” she comments.
“I know, I just thought if I could do something for y’all this would make it easier.”
“We love you for wanting to do anything for us. We want to do something for you.”
“I don’t need anything Cari. I’m just taking a quick break from life and trying to figure out what’s next.”
“So what are you doing now?”
“I just got back from having a massage at the spa at a hotel down the block from where we’re staying.”
“You know the fact you’re staying at the Royal Sonesta is news.” Her voice implies how ridiculous this sounds.
“You know, I should sue the news. They’re really making my life more dangerous. Two hundred million dollars is a shit load of money, people will do crazy things for that sort of money.”
A sigh comes across the line and feels very distant.
“On a different note, my massage was totally inappropriate.”
“What?”
“At one point I was inching down the table to keep my vagina covered, the breeze was clearly making its way to an area it didn’t need to.”
“Oooooo, happy ending?”
“Well, it was more pleasurable than my recent one night stand.”
“Do tell.”
“Nope.”
“That bad huh?”
“Yes, that bad. I’d like to have it scrubbed from my memory.”
“Where to next?” she asks and I can’t believe she let my one night stand go.
“We’re supposed to head to Denver next, but I think I’m going to talk Laura into Austin. I’ve always wanted to go there.”
“Denver...I know someone in Denver. I can’t think of who now. Hmmmm.”
I consciously ignore the part about knowing someone in Denver. “So we’ll do Austin then Denver. I don’t know how long we’ll stay in Austin, but we have to be in Denver for some concert that Laura bought us tickets for at Red Rocks.”
“Amazing. I wish I could go. I’ve heard that venue is phenomenal.”
“I’ll let you know.”
“Well, you need to send me the dates for when you will get to Napa, and I’ll get my flight.”
“You can meet us anywhere.”
“I’ve always wanted to go to Napa, now I have a reason. It’s awesome.”
“I gotta run. I’ll shoot you a text with dates for Napa,” I interrupt.
“Oh, okay.”
I disconnect and pull up Facebook. I’ve been ignoring all social media since the announcement and really since the whole vibrator-gate. Yeah, that’s what I’m calling it. When I look at my phone I have one thousand and eighty five notifications and three hundred twenty-seven messages. I calmly put my phone down and walk to the table where we’ve set up a makeshift bar. I pour myself a couple of fingers of Jameson. This is what I’d been dreading.
The whiskey slides down my throat with a familiar warmth, and I delete all social media apps from my phone.
I know.
Should we have some sort of memorial service?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Who’s the Sexiest Man
on Earth?
I know, I know, you thought we were going to Denver. Well, we are, but that part of the trip is delayed a bit. I didn’t want to drive that far today (over nineteen hours), so we’re going to make a pit stop in Austin, Texas first. I’m driving ninety miles an hour and loving it. Don’t judge, Texas has a speed limit of eighty-five miles an hour. Thor is purring as we speed down the highways. I know this sounds so stupid, but it reminds me of Thelma & Louise. It’s where a road trip turns into a suicide pact between besties. Sorry if I ruined it for you. I’m hoping that this sense of foreboding is just indigestion.
“We’re staying at the Driskill. That’s where George W. used to stay when he was president and would come back to Texas.” Laura hates it when I drive with the top down. She didn’t bring a hat and keeps forgetting to buy one, so she spends the entire time pushing her hair out of her face.
“I just want a margarita and a shower,” I say. “How’s your vag?” We are sort of yelling because, again, I’ve got Thor’s top down and the wind whipping by at this fast speed is loud as fuck. Doesn’t sound very glamorous, does it?
“She’s fine,” Laura responds curtly. When she got back last night I had passed out from whiskey, but based on her slow movements this morning, I’m thinking she injured herself with monster cock again. The pleasure must’ve been worth the pain. She leans in and turns down the music. “We’re staying in a vintage two queen room.” Laura is scrolling through her emails for confirmation. “I used my credit card, but you need to pay it off so it’ll have room because I need to reserve the rooms in Denver.”
“Okay, how much will it be?” We are in tank tops, shorts, and plenty of sunscreen. You will burn your ass off if you aren’t careful.
“I think if you move about $2,000 over for the hotel and restaurants we should be fine,” Laura sug
gests.
“Okay, go ahead and move the money over. You have my account information.” Don’t worry, this won’t turn into a friend who takes my money, I trust Laura implicitly. We’ve known each other since we were eighteen and dumber than we are today.
She taps a few different keys on the iPad and claps her hands. “What’s your password again?”
I keep my mouth shut.
“Hmmmm, I can’t remember what it is?” The sarcasm drips from her voice.
“Fuck you,” I mutter.
“Did you say it was mylove69?”
“Yep.”
“Let me try that,” she says. She makes dramatic tapping motions. “Oh, that’s not it.”
“I hate you.”
“Anal-sex all caps?”
“Yep.”
She does the same dramatic tapping. Then she cocks her head to the side.
“Oh that’s right. Hold on,” she holds up her finger, “foreverpeter.”
I hang my head in shame and vow to change my mother fucking password.
“Hey, don’t judge. When’s the last time you’ve been in love?”
“You know this already,” she answers.
“I might have missed someone since I’ve been gone. You fall in love and out of love without me knowing?” I’m only sort of joking.
Laura pulls down the mirror and examines herself, wiping at her eyeliner, ignoring me. “Do you remember when we vowed to never fall in love again after college?”
“Um, yes,” I answer. “We watched every romantic comedy we could download and made fun of every couple in it.”
“UGH, Failure to Launch was the most disappointed I’ve ever been in an actor.”
“Sarah?” I ask like I know Sarah Jessica Parker.
“No, Matthew.”
“He’s probably the sexiest man on earth,” I counter.
“Not in that movie. I almost banned him due to that movie.”
“I don’t think that’s his worst movie.”
“What’s worse?” she asks incredulously.
“Have you forgotten that movie with the ex-girlfriends?”
“Oh shit. I had put that one out of my mind.”
“What about the one where he’s a treasure hunter?”
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