by Brenda Novak
“You go ahead,” she said. “Maybe I’ll swim tomorrow.”
He bit back a curse. What else could he suggest?
She’d eaten, and he doubted she knew how to play billiards. “Okay,” he said at length. “I’ll leave you alone.”
He started to walk away, but turned back almost immediately. “Ellie?”
This time it took longer to get a response. “What?”
“I didn’t mean what I said earlier.”
“It’s fine. I made a stupid offer to begin with. I’m sure you can hire a professional masseuse if you need a massage. You don’t need me.”
He was trying hard not to need her. That was the problem. He couldn’t imagine a world where needing her, coming to depend on her, would turn out to be a good thing. “I was just...in a bad mood.”
“We all have days like that. Hope you feel better in the morning.”
He shook his head. Sometimes he was his own worst enemy. He’d had more than one foster parent tell him that, hadn’t he? As a matter of fact, he’d heard every damn thing that was wrong with him—over and over. He was too aloof, too detached, too difficult to reach.
But he was who he was, and he didn’t know how to change. He needed to stop caring so much about other people and what they thought of him.
If only he could...
“’Night,” he murmured.
* * *
Ellie sat on her bed, staring at the door while she listened to Hudson’s footsteps recede. She almost got up and went after him. She knew he felt bad for what he’d said. She could tell by the tone of his voice and how hard he’d tried to get her to come out again. But he had her twisted up in knots. One minute she was determined to offer him the love he so desperately needed—and consistently shoved away—and the next she was asking herself if she was crazy to think she could actually reach him. He was like a wounded animal, and wounded animals were dangerous.
She looked down at her phone. She missed Miami and her work. It used to be that she could throw herself into her research and let her work distract her if she was upset, lose herself for hours in something that could make a huge difference to the world. In the lab, her life was about so much more than her own problems. But now that she didn’t have the BDC, every emotional bump felt like an earthquake.
Had she made a mistake in coming here?
Hudson had asked if she was going back to Miami. Maybe relocating had been a bad decision. She was falling in love with him when she’d promised herself she wouldn’t. Should she pack up and leave before she could lose any more of her heart? They could work out custody issues like so many other parents who lived apart—because if she stayed, she had a feeling Hudson would devastate her in ways she couldn’t even begin to imagine.
But she hadn’t moved here for her own sake. She’d moved here for the sake of her baby. She kept coming back to that.
When the clock showed ten, she allowed herself to call her parents. Although it was early in France, she hoped they’d be getting up. She needed to talk to her father in particular, needed to remind herself how important he was and had always been in her life.
“Ellie?”
She smiled in relief at the sound of his voice, cheerful as ever. “Hi, Dad.”
“How’s my girl?”
Tears stung her eyes. She wanted to tell him about the baby and Hudson and ask for his advice. Should she give up and leave? Or should she stick it out in Silver Springs and do the best she could—for both her child and the child’s father?
She almost blurted out the whole story—the surprise pregnancy and everything—but stopped herself. It was too soon to reveal news of the baby. Her parents would fly home immediately if they thought she needed them, and she couldn’t be that selfish. She wanted to give them a couple more months in Europe. She also knew she couldn’t handle the complications that having them back would create for her and Hudson if she stayed in California. She needed to get to know him better first.
“Good.” She cleared her throat, hoping to ease the terrible tightness. “How are you?”
“Fantastic! There’s so much to see and do here. I know you’re busy with work, and that what you do is important, but you’ve got to come across the pond before we head home.”
She wiped an errant tear. “I’m glad you’re enjoying your time there.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Have you cured diabetes yet?”
“No.” She wouldn’t even be able to keep trying, not for probably a year. She felt certain the BDC would take her back if they could. They’d been sorry to see her leave in the first place. But she had no idea if there would be an opening when she was ready, and they didn’t know that, either.
“You’ll do it one day. If anyone can save the world, it’s you.”
When she couldn’t respond because she’d just covered her mouth to stifle a sob, he said, “Ellie? You still there?”
After struggling to gain control of her emotions, she managed a fairly normal-sounding “Yeah. Sorry. I was, um, checking my phone. I was getting another call, but it’s nothing important. I’m back.”
“How’re things with Don? Still awkward?”
“About the same.”
“He blew it, letting you go.”
She rolled her eyes. “He likes men, Dad. He left me for his best friend.”
“So? He’s missing out.”
She laughed in spite of her tears. “Only a father could say that.”
“I’ll always be your biggest fan, Ellie Girl. There’s no one as wonderful as you.”
His unbridled love made her choke up again. “I miss you,” she murmured.
“I miss you, too. When can you come to France?”
“I wouldn’t count on that happening.”
“Because...”
Rubbing the swell her baby was creating, she stared down at her belly. “There’s too much going on.”
“Can’t it wait for a week or two?”
She decided to take a small step toward the truth. What she eventually had to divulge would be less shocking if she revealed bits and pieces along the way. “I’m in another relationship.”
“That fast?”
It’d been five months since she’d caught Don with Leo, but she’d never jumped from one man to the next, so five months wasn’t that long to her father. “Yeah.”
“With who?”
“Hudson King. You recognize the name, don’t you?”
“No. Why would I? Have you mentioned him before?”
She started laughing.
“Did I say something funny?” He sounded slightly amused.
“I didn’t realize who he was, either, when we first met. Turns out he’s the starting quarterback for the Los Angeles Devils.”
“The football team?”
“Yes.”
“So he’s a professional athlete.” He didn’t seem nearly as impressed as most people would have been. He didn’t value extreme wealth, fame or football any more than she did. He only wanted his little girl to be happy. “How’d you meet him?”
“Ran into him at a nightclub last September, when I went out with Amy.”
“He’s the reason you’re not coming to France?”
She looked down at her stomach again. “It’s not only him. I have...too many other things going on, can’t travel at the moment.”
“And yet you brought him up, this Hudson. Must be serious.”
“Not necessarily. I’m thinking of bailing on the relationship. If a mere mortal like Don could crush me, what could someone like Hudson do?”
“You don’t think he’s gay, too?”
She chuckled as she said, “That isn’t even funny. He’s the straightest guy I’ve ever met.”
“Then why not give h
im a shot? See what happens? You obviously like him if you’re afraid of being hurt.”
“It’s not that simple, Dad. He had a difficult childhood, was abandoned as a newborn and tossed around from foster home to foster home as he grew up. So he’s wary, to say the least. He pushes people away if they get too close.” And he was freaking out because he’d let her get a little too close last night—and she’d made it worse by scaring him today.
“I’m sorry about all that.”
“So am I, and...I’m not confident I can get through to him. I’d be smarter not to even try, right?”
There was a slight pause. Then he said, “How would I know, sweetheart? Only you can answer that question.”
She sighed. “Really? You’re putting it back on me? I feel most parents would warn their daughters away from professional athletes.”
It was his turn to laugh. “I don’t judge people by stereotypes. Everyone gets an equal chance. Maybe he’s the perfect guy for you, and you’re struggling because you’re trying to see too far down the road.”
“I’m trying to be careful. That’s smart!”
“Careful is smart, but too careful can make you miss something magical. No one can foretell the future, Ellie. Just take it one day at a time. Go with your gut when it comes to Hudson. You’ll figure out whether he’s the one for you.”
“And if I’m devastated in the process?”
“You’ll pick yourself up and dust yourself off like you did with Don.”
Although she winced at the memory, she knew her father was right. Any kind of love, especially romantic love, required risk. Besides, she couldn’t give up on California this soon. By bailing, she’d only prove to Hudson that he couldn’t rely on her. If she hoped to gain his trust, she needed to show him she could hang in, even when things weren’t ideal. “Thanks, Dad.”
He passed the phone to her mother, who told her more specifically what they’d been doing and seeing.
Ellie felt stronger, more like her usual self while they were chatting, but once she hung up, doubt crept in again. What was she going to do?
Go home, stay and try to keep the relationship platonic, or stay and return to Hudson’s bed?
Returning to Hudson’s bed was by far the most tempting option. Physically they were perfect together. She craved his touch, craved the opportunity to hold him as she had last night.
Problem was, she wanted more than his body. She wanted his heart—and he wasn’t going to give that up easily.
* * *
The next six weeks or so were bittersweet for Hudson. Despite the fact that he’d called off Samuel Jones, the private investigator had sent an email, along with his final bill, to say that he was now quite certain he had indeed solved the mystery surrounding Hudson’s abandonment. Obviously Jones had continued to pursue what he’d found. He’d even sent Hudson a DNA kit and told him that if he ever wanted to be sure, he should take the test. He also said he’d take care of getting a sample for comparison.
There were times when Hudson was tempted to move forward with that test. He wouldn’t have hired a private investigator if he hadn’t been dying to know who he was and where he came from. But not knowing was better than what Jones had dug up—except now that Jones had said what he’d said, Hudson wondered what he was really saving himself by not taking the test. Although he hadn’t allowed the PI to give him any names or other specific details, the situation had been explained to him in general terms, and that was enough to tell him he didn’t want to learn any more. Still, he couldn’t help staring at that damn DNA kit, which he’d stuck in his medicine cabinet beside the mirror, every day while he shaved.
Maybe he would’ve been able to throw it out or send in a sample by now—do something—if he wasn’t so preoccupied with Ellie. But she was driving him crazy. Since that night when he’d said he wanted only one thing, they’d spent a lot of time together watching movies, making dinner, playing billiards (he’d been teaching her), preparing the room next to hers as a nursery, even working out together. But she hadn’t returned to his bed, and he couldn’t figure out why. If he tried to touch her, she just sort of...slid away from him.
Was she worried about the weight gain and the other changes in her body? Was she afraid to let him see her now that she was showing? Because he wasn’t put off by that at all. He was so captivated by the idea of his child growing inside her that, if anything, the pregnancy made her more attractive to him, not less. He wanted to hold her again, touch her, experience the wonder of creating a new life.
He planned to talk to her, to see why she’d backed away from him sexually, but everything was going so well otherwise, he’d been postponing that discussion for fear it might cause the relationship to take a turn for the worse. He liked having her around, even if she wasn’t sleeping with him. That was the surprising thing. And he was hesitant to put her on the spot, since there was always the possibility that her avoidance of anything physical had nothing to do with the changes in her body. She could’ve decided that she wouldn’t give him the opportunity to “use” her again—to punish him for what he’d said. Or she simply didn’t care to be with him in that way anymore.
The thought that she might’ve lost interest gave him a sick feeling. But there were times, plenty of them, when he’d catch her looking at his mouth or some other part of his body as if she was feeling the same desire he felt. That was what confused him.
On the first of April, Bruiser came, sans Jacqueline and Brianne, since Brianne had a terrible cold, for New Horizons’s big fund-raiser. Hudson always helped out by signing sports memorabilia for the live auction and attending the event to shake hands and sign autographs. He also auctioned off the opportunity to have dinner with him. And at the end of the evening, he matched the gross proceeds. It was a big night for him and Aiyana—for everyone who cared about the boys ranch—and it turned out to be even bigger with Bruiser in attendance, doing a lot of the same things to raise money.
“Ellie looked gorgeous tonight,” Bruiser said as they played a game of pool after Ellie had gone to bed. She’d hung out with them for a while, but then said she was tired.
Hudson pretended he was too interested in chalking his stick to agree, but he’d noticed. On the way over, she’d made a comment about how difficult it was for a pregnant woman to look good in something fancy, but he’d thought she was the most beautiful woman there. She looked so good to him that all he could think about was how great it would be to get her back in his bed...
“Hudson?”
He turned when Bruiser said his name.
“Didn’t you hear me?”
“Yeah. You said Ellie looked nice tonight.”
“Don’t you agree?”
“Of course. She always looks nice.”
Bruiser folded his arms around his stick. “Cracked me up how she kept bidding on your dinner.”
“She almost won yours,” Hudson pointed out drily.
“Only because yours went so high. Why would she pay $25,000 to eat with you when she lives with you? Mine went for a fraction of that.”
“She went up to five thousand before giving up on both of us. Good thing she didn’t win.”
“Her bidding kept the prices rising. She was a big help—although I know her bids were genuine.”
Hudson remembered how often she’d put up her bidding paddle. He’d almost thrown her out of the event—would have if he could’ve figured out how to do it without embarrassing her. She didn’t have the kind of money she was trying to donate to the school, and she wouldn’t let him give her any extra. They’d already argued about money the day he’d taken her shopping for maternity clothes in LA, and she wouldn’t let him pay for anything. “That soft heart of hers is going to get her in trouble one day.”
“Has it gotten her in trouble already?” Bruiser asked.
Huds
on felt his eyebrows come together. “What do you mean?”
“Never mind.”
Hudson gestured at the table. “Are you going to play or what?”
“I have to leave in a few minutes, get back to my family.”
“That’s why we need to finish this game.”
“I’d rather talk while we have the chance.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“You seem to admire Ellie,” Bruiser said, ignoring Hudson’s last statement.
“I do.” That was honest.
“So what’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Something’s off between you two. I ask about her every time we catch up on the phone, and you always give me the same story. You’re getting along fine—nothing romantic going on but you’re good friends. Yada yada.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“That’s what you say, but there’s this deep...reservoir of feeling under the surface.”
“Stop trying to create something that isn’t there.”
“Oh, it’s there all right...”
“She got pregnant because of a one-night stand. You know that—you’re the only one who knows it.” Hudson bent over the table to take a shot, dropping two balls with a satisfying clack, thunk.
“The last time I came out here, she had love bites all over her neck.”
“We messed around a little at first,” he admitted.
“I’m wondering why that stopped.”
So did Hudson—except he sort of understood. Ellie didn’t want anything that didn’t include commitment, and he didn’t want anything that did. “I guess she’s not interested.”
“That’s bullshit. She can’t take her eyes off you. And you can’t take your eyes off her. But you dance around each other as if you’re afraid you might actually touch.”
“She’s pregnant, man! I’m not looking at her like that,” he said, even though nothing could’ve been further from the truth.
Bruiser came closer and lowered his voice. “Making love doesn’t hurt the baby. I was worried about that, too, when Jacqueline started showing. So I asked her to check with her doc, and her doc told her she could have sex up until delivery.”
