The Carmel Sheehan Story

by Jean Grainger

  He waited to see if she would go on and when she didn’t, he spoke, ‘Will I tell you what I think?’

  She nodded at him.

  ‘My dad thinks you are his child and so, if he’s sure, then that makes you my sister. And, if you want to be part of our family, then we’d love to have you. When Dad first told me, I must admit I was a bit like, I don’t know, not shocked or anything, but just a bit slow to change things, y’know? Like, we’re grand just the three of us. And, there was Mam as well, like, was it disloyal to her or something? And, let’s face it, none of us like to think of our parents as sexual beings, right? And you being here meant that he did it with someone other than our mam, so that was a bit, I don’t know, weird to process as well. But now that I’ve met you properly, and Sharif, as far as I’m concerned anyway, you’re my sister and I think you should have the test.’

  Carmel stopped and looked up into the intelligent hazel eyes of this man who might be her brother.

  ‘And if I’m not?’

  ‘Well, it won’t matter to me. Or to Jennifer or to Dad, I’d say. I think the test will just confirm what we already know. You look like him, that’s the main reason I think so. It’s inconceivable that you don’t have McDaid blood in your veins, looking like you do. But even in the very unlikely event of it being negative, it will matter, of course, on one level, but it’s not like we’d all just walk away and say, okay, then, Carmel, nice knowing you.’

  ‘But then I’m not your sister, I’m just some random woman who is the child of a woman your father used to go out with. Our only point of connection with your family is someone I’ve never even met. The bond is so…well, it’s not there, is it? I think I don’t want to do it because I’m afraid of what I’ll find out. Wanting something to be true and it actually being true are so different.’ She sipped her drink.

  ‘I love reading books about the law of attraction, like, that our thoughts are things and that we can alter our lives by shaping our thoughts to what we want, The Secret and all of that, but then, when I was a little girl, all I wanted was a family. Like, I prayed and wished and daydreamed all the time, but it never happened. And if the pure thoughts of a little child can’t do it…’

  Luke covered her hand with his and gave her a squeeze. He was just like his father, strong and protective, even though he was at least a decade younger than her.

  Chapter 18

  ‘Relax.’ Sharif put down his newspaper. ‘It’s going to be fine. You’ll have a great day. It’s going to be warm in Central London, though, so don’t forget your sun cream.’

  ‘I know. And I don’t know why I’m so nervous, it’s like a date or something… that sounds stupid I know but I just…oh, I don’t know, Sharif…’ Carmel leaned against the countertop with a cup of coffee in her hands.

  ‘It’s just a day out with someone you like and trust, what’s to stress about? See the sights, I got Marlena to book front row seats for Jersey Boys at the Odeon, and you have a reservation for pre-theatre dinner at The Five Fields in Chelsea; have a few glasses of bubbly. Now, have you got your card? No scrimping now, okay? I know what you’re like.’

  He stood and gathered his keys and wallet.

  ‘Well, I’m seeing this new legal chap this morning so I’d better get my skates on. I love you. Hopefully, if Luke can find out if this guy has a criminal record, then we can get a bit further with it.’ He kissed her and was gone.

  Joe was picking her up in twenty minutes, having seen Jennifer and the others to the airport, and then he and Carmel were taking the train together into London.

  She’d had a lovely evening in the pub with them the night before, all stories and laughing, and she couldn’t tell if she was so relaxed and happy around them because they really were her siblings or because she desperately wanted them to be. They didn’t raise the subject of the DNA test again and just enjoyed each other’s company. She observed Jennifer and Luke’s interaction with a mixture of affection and envy. They were constantly teasing each other and had so many stories of the things they’d done together, not just as kids, but as teenagers and young adults as well. They’d gone to Australia working for a year together as part of a bigger group of friends and cousins, they’d backpacked around Thailand and Malaysia, they’d done so much and clearly were devoted to each other. They were exactly what she imagined brothers and sisters to be like. Her only other experience was Bill and Julia which, the more time and distance she put between them, the more bizarre that set-up seemed to be.

  She checked her wallet for cash. It never ceased to amaze her that she had money of her own. Bill gave the girls wads of cash when they visited and Carmel used to look in amazement at his largesse when she had virtually no money. The local shop was on an account, which he settled each month, and everything else was paid for by the month, so it never occurred to him that she might like to have some money. Once, she saw an ad up in the local shop for a housekeeper job in the town and she mentioned it to him. He looked at her as if she was stark staring mad.

  ‘Skivvying for the neighbours, would you have sense?’ was all he said, and wearily went back to his farm, leaving Carmel with the familiar sensation of having let him down once again.

  It wasn’t that she wanted to buy anything in particular, but it just would be nice to have her own money, to be able to pop into The Cosy Corner Café for tea and a scone or to buy herself a book or a new top or whatever. Bill had an account in Cotters, the local draper’s shop, where he bought three shirts every year as well as six new vests, six new pairs of underpants, and pyjamas. Every five years, he bought a suit. The girls usually got him a pullover and socks for Christmas, and Julia bought him slippers. The suits had three phases, The Good Suit, the newest, used for Mass, weddings, and funerals; the five-year-old suit, used for going to the mart, for a pint, or the occasional football match or hare coursing event; and the ten-year-old suit was then used for farming. Once, she saw overalls on special offer in the drapers, so she bought them for him, thinking it would be better than the suit, but he told her to take them back, they were a waste of money. The drapers had some women’s clothes as well and she did get a few things there, but the owner, Mrs Cotter, was a lady in her seventies and her taste in stock reflected that. Pastel cardigans, pleated skirts, and lilac or pink blouses seemed to be the only things she had for sale. Carmel had taken to secreting a little of the ‘housekeeping’ money. Bill put twenty Euros a week in a jar for sundries in case they ran out, and she siphoned off a few Euros each week. Over months, she managed to save up enough to buy an occasional pair of jeans or a top, suitable for someone under the age of seventy, in the large department store at the edge of town. Every Christmas, the girls bought her a scarf, usually some shade of blue, she had seventeen of them now, and Julia bought her slippers too. Bill just gave her money, it was an excruciatingly formal and embarrassing exchange each year, but she managed to make it stretch to pay her phone bill and a few small personal items. Her life now was the opposite, a wardrobe full of lovely clothes and a drawer containing silk lingerie, and on the fitted shoe rack, there were sixteen pairs of shoes. It seemed almost criminal decadence.

  The knock on the door startled her out of her reverie. She took one quick glance in the mirror and decided she looked okay. She was wearing trainers because there was going to be a lot of walking, light blue jeans, and a cream hoodie. Her blonde hair was tied up in a ponytail and she was wondering if she was a bit old for such a girly look; she was going to take it down when Joe knocked again. Dismissing her hair concerns, she opened the door.

  Joe smiled and enveloped her in a hug.

  ‘Coffee?’ she asked, hoping her voice didn’t betray her nerves. This was ridiculous, it wasn’t as if she had never met him, but this day, this time alone together, was a first and she felt so unsure.

  ‘Please, if you’re making some anyway.’

  ‘I’ve it made already.’

  ‘God, Carmel, I…I might as well tell you, I was so nervous coming over he
re. I was trying to give myself a good talking to. Like, I know you and everything now, but I don’t know…’

  ‘Me too. I feel exactly the same.’

  ‘It’s like a first date, isn’t it?’ he chuckled.

  ‘Well, since I’ve never had that experience, I don’t know; I never went on a date with Bill, and Sharif just sort of showed up and we were together and that was that. No dating as such…though I’m not complaining, mind you, I don’t know what I’d say or do on a proper date with a stranger.’ Carmel felt she was babbling but it seemed to relax them both.

  ‘Well, whatever way ye got together, it sounds to me like a great day’s work. He’s a lovely man and he’s mad about you, anyone can see that. I’m so glad he rescued you from that desperate situation. You deserve to be happy after all you’ve been through. I just wish you didn’t have to…’

  Joe seemed visibly upset, thinking about Carmel’s life up to the time Sharif appeared.

  ‘It wasn’t that bad, honestly,’ she tried to reassure him.

  ‘You say that, but I hate the thought of you in that home, and then with that thick farmer, when all the time you could have been in a happy family, adopted by people who’d love you properly, all because of my father…’ Joe wiped his eye, brushing away a tear. ‘I’m sorry, Carmel, I’m a big eejit, dragging all that back up again when you probably want to forget it, but it just sickens me when I think about it.’

  Carmel handed Joe his coffee.

  ‘Look, Joe, it wasn’t great, okay? Nobody’s saying it was, but it wasn’t that bad either. I keep telling people that, but they don’t want to believe it. I was fed and clothed and educated and, honestly, it was fine, and the years with Bill, well it wasn’t like he was cruel or hurt me or anything. It was just, well more of the same really, I suppose.’

  ‘But we all need love, Carmel.’

  ‘Maybe, and a life where you’re loved is, well, I can’t explain just how wonderful it is, but I never knew what that felt like anyway, so I never knew what I was missing. I thought families were always fighting and people cheated on each other all the time, either that or they lived in totally unrealistic situations, all my education about real life came from TV and watching the soaps, you see.’

  Joe leaned against the kitchen counter, cupping his coffee with both hands.

  ‘Just because you knew no better doesn’t make what he did acceptable. I hated my father long before I knew about you, really hated him, and the day he died was a great day, God knows, we waited long enough. He was a bully and a liar and he made our lives and my mother’s life hell. What saved us was each other. Myself, Colm, Brian, Kevin, and the girls, we looked out for each other and for Mam too. Brian told you about the time I battered him, put him in the hospital because I came in to find him hitting my ma and I just saw red. What he didn’t tell you was it was Brian that pulled me off him. I’d have killed him, Carmel, I find that hard to say, I’m not a violent man, never raised my fists in anger at anyone before or since, but something about him, the smug, holier than thou way he went on. He’d make you sick so he would, up there on the altar at Mass, doing the readings and giving out communion, looking like butter wouldn’t melt, when all the time, he was anything but. I pressured my ma to press charges but she wouldn’t. It was peculiar back then, like, the woman was somehow shamed as well if her husband was beating her, or maybe she was just afraid of him; anyway, she wouldn’t make a statement to the guards. I made sure that people knew though, me and Dolly. I was over at her house after the fight happened, I couldn’t go home, and I remember my hands were all swollen up and I had all of these cuts on my knuckles and she was patching me up. I was giving out that my ma wouldn’t go to the guards and says she, “Listen, Joe, if the reason you want her to go and report him is so that his reputation as a pillar of the community is shattered by having to turn up to face charges in court, well, that’s easily done. Just tell Bina O’Leary. She’s got the biggest gob in the parish, and just watch the story take on legs and arms and all sorts. People love something to gossip about, they half know anyway, so we’ll leave it to Bina to fill in the juicy details, she’d love nothing more. Don’t you worry, they’ll be giving each other knowing glances and secret sneers by next Sunday if he’s out of hospital in time for Mass.”’

  He chuckled, ‘Of course, she was right, Bina ran the small shop at the end of our road and prided herself on knowing everyone’s business. Dolly went up to buy some disinfectant, even though we had loads and told Bina the whole story, all upset like, and sure enough, the whole place had it by the next day. Not just that he was battering my ma, but the girls as well, and that he’d been cautioned by the guards, and that he was facing prison if he did it again, oh, the whole nine yards. My mam was upset at the start, but she didn’t know how it got out. She never did, and you know, people were kind. Not as judgmental as she thought they might be, and in a way, it protected her. Now that it was out what kind of a man he was, she couldn’t be going around saying she walked into the door or whatever, so he had to lay off a bit. When he got out of hospital, he went into the church, to make sure nobody had usurped him in his position of chief arse licker. Fr O’Mahony, a big gruff fella from Connemara, gave him the road apparently, saying he’d want to mend his ways and repent of his sins before darkening the door of his church again. The priest knew because my ma had gone to him once or twice when we were kids, looking for help. He used to give her a few bob or get a box of grub sent around. He was a grand man really and I’d say my father’s carry on, being all holy for show and a tyrant at home, appalled him. My father was finished then, but bitter. What he did to Dolly…my lovely Dolly…she was brave as a lion, Carmel, she really was, nothing scared her, and she was so loyal. That’s why, when she left without a word, I was devastated for years. It was so unlike her, I could never accept that she just walked away from everyone, from me. She wasn’t that kind of person. My wife June knew all about it, everyone did, I looked such a misery for so long after, we didn’t talk about it, but when she was dying, we talked a lot. She said she thought I never really got over Dolly leaving, and she was right. But knowing why she had to go, well, it’s so hard to come to terms with.’ He sighed heavily. ‘Would you listen to me, dragging all this up on a sunny morning when we are supposed to be going for a nice day out. I’m sorry, Carmel.’

  ‘Don’t be. It’s our shared history, and it’s good that we can talk about it. Dolly carried that secret, and then Brian did, and now it’s ours to carry, but at least we have each other.’

  Joe looked deeply into her eyes, neither of them speaking.

  ‘I’m a simple man, Carmel, I’m going over this and over it since Brian’s funeral, and I just keep coming to the same conclusion. As far as I’m concerned, you’re my daughter and though I don’t know you well yet, I love you, and I want the best for you just as I do for my other two kids. I’m happy to go to my grave with things just as they are. So, it’s up to you, if you want to do the test, or if you never do, then that’s okay. Forget all about tests, and DNA, and all of that. But I have to ask you this,’ he took a steadying breath, ‘do you want me to be your dad?’

  It was as if a dam was released within her. Carmel couldn’t stop it, all the years, all the rejection, just seemed to take on a molten quality and fell as scalding hot tears. She tried to speak, but no words would come. She was five again, seven, twelve, twenty-one, a bride, lonely.

  Joe just stood, right in front of her, not touching not speaking. The tears racked her body and she found it hard to breathe. She had no idea where all of this was coming from, and it frightened her. She gulped air, she tried to steady her breath but she couldn’t, she was so overwhelmed by her reaction that she couldn’t even feel embarrassed at her lack of control.

  Pain seared his face, seeing her in such anguish, and eventually, he stretched out his arms. He made no move towards her but his arms were welcoming her. If she moved into his embrace now, then that would be it. She wanted to, but she was afraid,
she desperately wanted him to be her father, to love and protect her. Even though she was forty years old, she felt like she was a child. Suddenly, something propelled her forward, she didn’t know what it was, but she had the same feeling she’d had that night outside the pub in Dublin when Sharif asked her to come back to London with him. They were singing her mother’s song, ‘Que Sera Sera’ at a party in the pub and Carmel felt her, urging her to trust Sharif. She felt it again now.

  She took the two steps towards him and felt his arms around her, she sobbed into his shirt, and he rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head, soothing her gently.

  ‘I do,’ she managed to croak.

  ‘Well, then, I am. It’s okay, darling, you’re home now. It’s alright, I’ve got you, nothing will ever hurt you, I’ve got you, my lovely baby girl, you’re safe.’ He murmured those words over and over again and she eventually felt herself relax and her breathing return to normal. The front of his shirt was soaking and she could hear his heart beating through his chest. He smelled of washing powder and aftershave and she felt so safe. They stood together for a long time, the sun streaming in the window, locked in their own little space in the world together. Eventually, he released her and they smiled at each other.

  ‘Thanks.’ She wiped her face with a tissue he offered her. ‘I’m sorry about that, I don’t know what happened there, just years of…I don’t know.’

  ‘Anytime, pet, I’ve a lot of making up to do.’

  Chapter 19

  They had a fantastic day walking all over London. Joe took her to see where he lived with his Bangladeshi friend off the Tottenham Court Road years ago, and she showed him some of the things Sharif had shared with her. They held hands on the London Eye and shared their meals at the fantastic restaurant Sharif had booked for them, realizing they both were mushroom lovers but were very dubious about cheese. Sharif sent her a few texts during the day, just checking in with her, and she assured him that she was having a wonderful time. They sang along to all the songs in Jersey Boys and after the show went for a drink in a cosy old pub.