Before she went back out, she took one more look at herself in the mirror over the sink. The strong spot lighting, ideal for putting on makeup or shaving, hid nothing, and the pain was there in her eyes. Both Sharif and Nadia were very perceptive; she’d have to do a better job of acting like everything was fine.
‘Chai or Barry’s?’ Sharif asked as she emerged.
She smiled. ‘Chai, please.’He handed her a cup of chai, which she’d initially found revolting. At first, she’d been afraid to say she hated it, because Sharif never drank normal black tea, even though he wouldn’t have cared if she did. But after almost a year of living with him, she’d actually come to like chai.
‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ He put his head to one side, his brown eyes looking intently at her.
‘Honestly, I’m fine.’ She smiled and kissed his cheek. ‘Thanks for the tea.’ She sipped it.
‘Does it still taste like boiled weeds?’ He grinned, teasing her about a remark he’d overheard her make to her sister Jennifer on the phone months previously. The very next day, he’d gone out and bought her a big box of Barry’s tea bags from Ireland.
‘Well, aromatic weeds, I’ll go that far.’
‘So how’s Jen?’ he asked.
‘Good, she’s fine. Joe is doing a job for them in the house, and Luke has a new girlfriend, it seems.’ She didn’t tell him about the pregnancy; she just couldn’t get the words out. She was spared further elaboration when Sharif’s beeper went. He was needed in the hospice. He glanced at it and kissed her cheek. ‘I’ve to go. I don’t know how long I’ll be, but text if you need me, OK?’
‘Sure.’ She hugged him. He was so muscular and smelled of sandalwood and soap. She felt a familiar stirring of attraction.
Something in her embrace caused him to pause and give her a slow smile. ‘Mmm, you’re so gorgeous. I’ll try to be back before you go to bed.’ He murmured it all so his mother didn’t hear.
‘I’ll wait up,’ she whispered back.
Nadia was so deep in a very animated FaceTime chat in her native Urdu with one of her relatives in Karachi that she wouldn’t have heard them even if they spoke normally. Likewise, Carmel hadn’t the faintest idea what Nadia was saying. Sharif could speak Urdu too, as it was the language of their home as he grew up. Carmel sometimes felt bad that they had to speak English around her all the time, so as not to exclude her, but they assured her they were equally comfortable in both languages.
She slipped into their bedroom, leaving Nadia to chat, relieved to be alone. Something made her pick up the phone and call her dad. The discovery that Joe even existed was still new, but in many ways, she felt as if she’d known him all her life. They spoke every day, sometimes several times a day, on the phone. Sometimes just for a minute or two. She knew he wasn’t a phone chatter, but he seemed to understand that she needed to have that connection, and to make her feel less needy, he called her as much as she called him.
‘Hi, darling, how are you?’ he answered on the first ring, his strong Dublin accent immediately soothing her troubled soul.
‘I’m OK. You?’ She tried to inject some enthusiasm into her voice. She wished he was here in London; she could’ve really used one of his bear hugs.
‘Grand out, pet, flying it. Your cousin Aisling’s wedding is taking up everyone’s time here. I’m telling you, there was fellas put on the moon with less organisation. I’m staying out of it all as much as I can, but she just rang and asked me to make a sweet cart or something. I thought she was losing her marbles, like sweets like a child would have, at the wedding reception, only there’s no kids going. And I sez to her, Aisling, pet, when people are drinking pints and glasses of wine or whatever, the last thing on their minds are fizzy jellies or smarties or whatever, but she wasn’t having a bar of it. Tis all the go now, apparently. Sweets, did you ever hear the like? So off with mad old uncle Joe to the hardware place tomorrow to get the stuff for it. I don’t know, more money than sense...’
Carmel chuckled. She loved to hear the stories of the extended McDaid tribe.
‘Now, yourself and Sharif and Nadia are still on for the trip, aren’t ye? I’ve a great itinerary set up. Come here to me now, you’re the very woman for this job. I was talking to Tim earlier, and he was saying he didn’t think he’d be able to make it, and I didn’t like to pry. I know he has some things to sort out over in Mayo with his parents’ land and everything, but he was all up for the trip the last time we spoke, and now he’s backing out. Could you talk to him? See what’s going on? He and Brian were very private about their relationship and everything—well, they had to be, on account of Tim’s family—and I know Brian was my brother and we were close and everything, but I just don’t feel comfortable pressing Tim.
‘There’s something up though, I know it, so maybe you could get it out of him? He trusts you. I think it would do him good to come over; it’s been decades since he set foot in his native country, and I think it would be to his benefit to lay a few ghosts to rest. Anyway, it’s his choice, but ye can fly into Dublin, and we can all rent the minibus and take off for the West of Ireland, have a proper holiday, not just a weekend for the wedding. Jen, Damien, and the baby, and Luke are coming as well, so we’ll have great craic.’
‘Yes, we’ve the flights booked and everything. Though I can’t say I’m looking forward to being back.’ Carmel loved that she could be so honest with Joe. Their relationship had started out that way and had continued, no pretence, no saying what she thought he wanted to hear. It was such a departure for her after a lifetime of watching what she said, trying to please, to fit in. ‘I’m excited to go to Aisling’s wedding, of course, but I just feel happier out of Ireland, you know? Like I escaped. And I’m scared to go back in case I get sucked back in or something. Stupid, I know...’
‘Ah, ’tisn’t one bit stupid, my love, not a bit of it. But as I’m always telling you, the reason your experience here was so bad, so empty, was because of the behaviours of a few people, not the whole country. You’re Irish, Carmel, your mam was Irish, and so am I, and no matter what, this place is in your bones. It wouldn’t do you any good to build up a big wall between you and it. Like, Sharif is Pakistani, he doesn’t live there or anything, but he knows who he is and where he comes from. That’s important to the human spirit. I think it is, anyway.’
‘Maybe you’re right. I’m trying just to see it as a holiday, but do me a favour? Keep me away from Birr, County Offaly, OK?’ She smiled.
‘Well, I have no notion of going near any town that is home to your ex and his mad witch of a sister, so yes, we’re staying out of that part of the country entirely, just in case. But wait till you see where I am taking ye, you’re going to love it. We need to spend a few days in Westport, to let Tim get things sorted legally with his family farm and all of that, provided of course that you can convince him to come. I’m going to show you all the places I wish I’d been able to show you when you were small, when I could have been a proper dad to you.’
Though his words were tinged with sadness at all the time that was lost, his enthusiasm was infectious, and she felt her mood lighten. ‘You’re a proper dad now,’ she said quietly. ‘And I’m so glad to have you.’
‘We’ve a lot of making up to do, Carmel, a lot. Please God we’ll have lots of years together. I used to think my job was done, and after Mary died, I was very low. Jen and Luke were reared and doing grand, so I felt like I was only filling in time, but now that you’re in my life, I feel like I want to live for years and years to try to make up for all the time lost.’
Carmel felt a rush of love for this man, her dad. She used to dream about her parents, when she was small, but she couldn’t have dreamed up a better man than Joe McDaid.
‘You will. Sure you’re fit as a trout, as Sister Kevin used to say. Actually, Sharif was saying the other day he was at a conference and there’s a new drug for the treatment of asthma in trial that is having great effects, so we might both be even healthier in the futur
e.’
‘Imagine that.’ Joe chuckled.
‘Oh, and I’ll ring Tim tomorrow, invite him for lunch,’ Carmel promised. ‘He’s finding the days long without Brian, and Christmas was so lonely for him. He doesn’t go to his daughter or his son, but I’ve never raised the question with him. As you said, he’s very private, but I’ll do my best. I can’t think why they are estranged; they could be such a comfort to him now that Brian is gone. It seems such a waste.’
‘I know, the poor man. He gave his whole life to my brother, they had a long and happy marriage, even though the state would never recognise it as such, but that’s what it was, and his heart is broken, I can hear it in his voice. No wonder himself and his children aren’t close. If I had to keep something as big as that—the pain at losing the only person I ever loved—from Luke and Jen and you, I wouldn’t be close to ye either. The only reason people are close is because they trust each other. If there’s no trust, then there can’t be anything else either.’
Carmel loved it when he said things like that. As if she was as valid as the son and daughter he’d reared from infancy.
‘I know. Maybe he just can’t go there now, after all this time. Who knows? I mean, his children must be in their fifties by now; he was only married for a short time when he was very young. I’ll try to bring it up with him anyway, or at least figure out why he’s backing out.’
‘Sure that’s all you can do.’
‘Well, we’re going to be a right motley crew on this bus trip you’ve planned, but we’ll have a laugh, I’m sure.’
‘We sure will. Now, pet, I’m going to have to love you and leave you, there’s a meeting in the parish hall about trying to do something about the homelessness situation. It’s awful, you know, families living in hotels and the whole city full of empty properties. I’m volunteering to get them into habitable shape.’
‘Sure, you are a marvel, you do know that? Give me a call tomorrow if you get a chance.’
‘Will do, pet, night night.’
Carmel ended the call and realised that talking to her dad had made her feel better. She wondered if she ever might confide in him about her baby dreams. She doubted it. Despite all the love and family and everything she’d been gifted with, she still felt separate and alone sometimes.
Chapter 2
‘It is quite impossible. I mean, honestly, what am I going to do?’ Nadia was fuming as she paced around Carmel and Sharif’s kitchen the next day. ‘I didn’t even invite her, and she just announced she was coming. Booked flights and everything without a word! Who does that? I can’t have her! She will drive me insane...’
‘Maybe it won’t be so bad. After all, her husband isn’t long dead; maybe she just needs to spend some time with her sister...’ Carmel was trying to be supportive; she knew how much Nadia’s sister Zeinab irritated her.
‘And what about our trip to Ireland? Her so-called visit is right in the middle of it. It is as if she knew the very worst time and picked it on purpose.’
Carmel tried to suppress a smile as Sharif grinned behind his newspaper.
‘She could come with us,’ Carmel suggested. ‘I’m sure Joe won’t mind.’ Sharif winked at Carmel—he knew how her suggestion would go down with his mother.
‘Come? Come to Ireland? Have you lost your mind? All of us stuck in a little bus with Zeinab and her ailments and her complaining and her snobbery? It would be hell, absolute hell. No, I’ll just have to cancel, there’s no other way.’ Nadia was devastated. Carmel knew how much she was looking forward to the trip. She and Joe got along so well, and at one stage, Carmel had even though there might have been a spark of romance there—but no, they just really had fun together.
‘She will come over here, and complain, and criticise, and tell me how my house is too small, my bottom is too big, my gajar ka halwa is too dry—I can’t bear it. There is a reason I live five thousand miles from my older sister.’ Nadia’s tiny frame was almost quivering with frustration. Her normally serene brown eyes glittered.
Sharif sighed and put down the paper. He stood, resting his hands on his mother’s shoulders. His six-foot-two bulk dwarfed her. ‘Ammi, you’re making this worse by getting yourself into such a state. If you won’t contact her and say not to come, which you are perfectly entitled to do, by the way, then you’ll have to come up with a way of not letting her get under your skin. You have to come to Ireland; you’ve been looking forward to it and now it’s all set up. Carmel’s right. We’ll just take her with us. I think Zeinab might actually enjoy Ireland, and she’ll have Joe, me, Tim, Luke and Damien, not to mention little Sean to fawn over. You always said she’s an old flirt and behaves much better around men, so maybe it’s the best idea.’
Carmel smiled as Nadia managed to calm down. Sharif had that effect on people. Somehow, he managed to make people realise that nothing was ever as bad as it seemed. Nadia sighed and relaxed a little.
‘Ah, Sharif, why does she do this? Always the same. Remember the time she came over to help when your father was ill? Dolly and she nearly came to blows, and I was so stressed, trying to keep her away from poor Khalid. The man was dying, and still on and on she would talk, jabbering away incessantly about people we don’t know, always this one and that one from Karachi society. It was all to show off how well connected she and Tariq were, as if Khalid gave a hoot about that... Even if we did ask her to come to Ireland with us, she would find some reason not to. She would refuse simply because she would know I want to go.’
Carmel was so fond of her mother-in-law, she hated to see her so wound up. Sharif adored his mother, too, but sometimes thought she was inclined to be a bit melodramatic. She was just a really animated person, the kind who talked with her hands and told great stories. Carmel, after years of people being guarded and detached with her, loved Nadia’s spontaneity and how she wore her heart on her sleeve. Which gave Carmel an idea. ‘Look, why doesn’t Sharif call her? He can explain that we’re all planning a trip to Ireland, about my cousin’s wedding and all of that, and how we can’t change it at this stage so if she wants to visit then she’ll have to come to Ireland with us. You said yourself she idolises Sharif, and she’d never refuse him anything.’
Carmel tried to quell her own anxiety. Confrontation and outbursts of emotion unsettled her, though she was trying to learn that they were a normal part of human interaction. Since she’d never experienced it in her life before, sometimes normal family interactions confused her. Once, when her friend Zane had described an argument he’d had with his sister one Friday, Carmel had been horrified and really worried about him all weekend. But when he came back to work on Monday, he was full of how he and his sister had had such a laugh at a wine tasting on Sunday. And the first time Carmel had had an argument with Sharif, over something silly, she’d convinced herself the relationship was over. But he’d come home, and they’d talked and solved it.
Carmel had even confided her fears to him, and he’d explained that people who loved each other sometimes fell out—it was no big deal. She was trying to be more relaxed about conflict, along with about a million other life adjustments she had to make every day.
But Nadia seemed genuinely distressed at the prospect of her sister’s arrival. Maybe the trip to Ireland wasn’t such a good idea after all. Carmel didn’t really want to go back, Tim was backing out as well, and now Zeinab was arriving.
The holiday had been mooted as an idea by Joe last summer, before she and Sharif were married, as a way of helping Tim go back to Mayo and sort out his family affairs, as well as giving Carmel some time with family and to see the sights of her country she’d never seen before.
Carmel wondered why Tim was suddenly reluctant. He’d told her his story briefly, how as a young man, he had been found kissing one of the local lads in the barn by his father and was told to get out and never come back. The man never again wanted to see his son. Tim had taken his father at his word and had only returned once since the old man died, for his mother’s funeral.
Tim moved to England and married in London, as was expected, but of course, the marriage was a disaster. So one day his wife confronted him with her suspicions and left, taking their little son and daughter with her. Tim met Joe’s brother, Brian—or perhaps he knew him before the marriage broke up, Carmel never asked—and they’d lived happily and quietly together until Brian’s death last year.
The idea of going back to Ireland, even with Sharif and all of her new family, made Carmel nauseous, so maybe Tim felt the same. She was convinced there was nothing there for her anymore. The shy, insecure, lonely woman she was still lurked inside somewhere, but she was stronger now than she could have ever imagined. A big part of her believed that strength would disappear the minute she set foot on Irish soil.
‘Carmel is right,’ Nadia said with a sigh. ‘Perhaps if you speak to her, Sharif… She is not so difficult with you...’
Sharif gave his mother a squeeze with one arm. ‘That’s the spirit. It will be fine—I’ll call her this afternoon and smooth it all over. Now, don’t you have to meet with the family of Juliette Binchet?’
Nadia glanced at her watch. ‘Yes, and I’m late. She was a difficult woman too, and her daughter and son are now at loggerheads about the funeral, mainly because the daughter wants a very flashy affair to show off to her friends and he doesn’t want to spend the money.’
Carmel smiled at Nadia. ‘You’ll sort everything out beautifully to everyone’s satisfaction, like you always do.’
‘We’ll see. These two would try the patience of a saint, as Dolly used to say. Anyway, see you two later.’ She gave them each a quick kiss on the cheek and was gone.
Once they were alone, Sharif put his arms around Carmel, his eyes searching her face. She loved how his eyes crinkled up when he smiled.
The Carmel Sheehan Story Page 30
