The Carmel Sheehan Story

by Jean Grainger

‘But don’t you have a lot of staff, back in Karachi?’ Carmel asked.

  ‘Oh, yes, paid employees. Not the same as family, though. Nothing like family. In our culture, Carmel, care of the elders, respect for them, is very important. It is part of what we are, the way we take care of our older generations, visit them, spend time with them. Many of my friends now live with their children, or even nieces or nephews. Take my friend Amal, for example. She held out in her own house for as long as she could, of course, but in the end, her children were so upset at the thought of their elderly mother living alone that they insisted she come and stay with them. She was sad to leave her home, of course, but she is so lucky. I don’t have anyone to do that for me. Nobody at all.’ She sighed heavily.

  Carmel fought back the urge to either panic or laugh. Was Zeinab seriously angling for an invitation to come and live here with her and Sharif? She must be off her rocker if she thought they’d agree.

  ‘But, Zeinab, you’re still a young woman. You’re fit and healthy, and as you said, you have lots of friends. I know it is hard to cope without Tariq’—Carmel managed to make it sound sincere despite what she knew about the creepy man—‘but if you can, try to see it as a transition phase in your life. You will need to grieve for all you have lost, but certainly it is not advisable to make any big changes in your life so soon after a bereavement.’

  Zeinab gazed at her, weighing up how best to proceed.

  ‘Yes, I am sure you are right.’ Her tone could’ve cut glass. ‘Now, I must go. Thank you for the chai.’ And with remarkable agility for one supposed to be so infirm, she left, leaving Carmel standing in the middle of her kitchen wondering what on earth just happened.

  Chapter 8

  ‘Hi, Jen!’ Carmel accepted a FaceTime call from her sister in Dublin the next day. She was back at work and feeling better, though not 100 percent yet, as she still had some cramps in her stomach. Ivanka was still off, and Zane was thrilled the impromptu food poisoning meant he’d lost five pounds. He was thin as a rail anyway but incredibly vain, so he was threatening to go back there again for another dose any time his impossibly skinny trousers felt tight. Carmel couldn’t help but laugh, though she would never again darken the door of the Sushi Palace.

  ‘Hi, is it a good time or are you busy?’ Jennifer asked. She was always conscious that Carmel could be dealing with anything when she called. ‘I’ve just got Sean down for a nap so I can talk in peace for five minutes!’

  ‘No, it’s great. Let me just get a coffee and I’ll go into my office and we can have a proper chat.’ She filled her cup from the fancy new coffee machine in reception, donated by the family of a grateful patient.

  ‘Now,’ she said, settling into her chair. ‘Tell me all your news.’

  Carmel had gotten used to the idea of Jen being pregnant again and felt fine speaking to her about it. That initial wave of longing seemed to have dulled to an ache, and she knew she could hide it successfully. If living as she did for the first forty years of her life had taught her anything, it was how to cover up her true feelings.

  ‘Oh, I’ve no news really. My social life is zero these days, in bed by eight, dozing when Damien gets home and can take Sean for an hour, not cooking at all, you know yourself.’ Jen’s blooming complexion grinned at Carmel from the screen of her iPhone.

  Carmel wished she did know herself but dismissed the thought immediately.

  ‘Actually, Dad’s on his way over here,’ Jennifer said. ‘We’re going to put on an extension out the back. Dad reckons himself and Damien will be able to do it, with a bit of help from Luke, but I’m not sure. I’d rather get proper builders.’ Jen chuckled. ‘Y’know, the kind that are actually qualified?’

  Carmel smiled. ‘But think of the money you’ll save, and Joe has done loads of that sort of thing before, hasn’t he? I’m sure it will be gorgeous.’ Carmel sipped her latte. ‘What are you building, anyway?’

  ‘Well, you’ll see when you come over! I can’t believe you haven’t been here; it feels like you’ve been in the family forever. Anyway, yeah, we’re building another bedroom. We’re going to need it when this little one arrives.’ Jen’s smile said it all as she placed her hand on her belly. ‘Apart from the fact that I need somewhere for my sister to stay when she comes to visit.’

  Carmel nailed a smile to her face, ignoring the maelstrom of emotion churning inside her. ‘Well, Joe is determined to get us over for the wedding and this big road trip he’s planned, so I’ll be there, all right. Now, tell me, how are you feeling? I’ve heard the first three months can often be the toughest?’

  ‘Not too bad, actually. Exhausted, but I’m that way anyway running around after Sean all the time. He’s got the energy of five kids, I swear. But all in all, I’m doing well. I hate coffee now—I was the same when I was expecting Sean. I can’t even bear the smell of it, and I used to be a five-cup-a-day girl. But apart from a little nausea now and again, I’m grand.’

  ‘I’ll send you some of this amazing tea Sharif gets. I never had it before coming here, but he recommends it for people who feel a little nauseous after chemo. It really perks you up, but it’s made just from flowers and roots or something. I know it’s safe in pregnancy because he gave it to a patient’s daughter who was pregnant, and she said she felt much better after it.’

  ‘Thanks, sounds good. I’m just really happy, so all that small stuff doesn’t matter really. We were waiting ages for Sean, I told you that. I didn’t know if there was something wrong or what, but when I finally got pregnant after two years of trying, well, we weren’t sure if we’d ever get lucky again. But it seems we hit the jackpot again, so we’re over the moon.’

  ‘Of course you are, it’s wonderful news. Joe must be delighted at the prospect of another grandchild.’

  ‘He was. He got kind of emotional, actually, which isn’t like him. But I haven’t told Luke yet, so don’t say anything if you’re talking to him. He’s at some big drugs case in Madrid, an Interpol case involving loads of countries, but the culprits are Irish, wouldn’t you know, so he’s out there. I’ll tell him when he gets back. He comes home most weekends and goes back out on Mondays.’

  ‘Yeah, I wondered about that.’ Carmel had spoken to Luke last Monday morning as he waited to board a flight back to Spain. ‘Would it not be easier for him just to stay there?’

  ‘Well, that’s the other bit of news. Don’t say I said it, I’m not even supposed to know, but our Lukie is seeing a girl and he seems to be very into it. She’s the reason he’s on a flight every Friday; otherwise, boy wonder would be chilling out with the tapas and the senoritas at the weekends in sunny Spain. But no, back he comes to rainy Dublin, sure as anything. He’s being very cagey about it, though. Hasn’t said a word to anyone, not even Dad, and he tells him everything.’

  ‘So how do you know?’ Carmel was intrigued and really hoped it was someone nice. Luke was such a sweet guy, she’d hate for anyone to hurt him. For all his messing and joking around, he was a sensitive soul.

  ‘Well, because Dublin is a village really, and you can’t do anything without the whole place knowing your business. Aisling works for Aer Lingus, so she saw him in arrivals at the airport. Real romcom stuff—this girl was waiting for him at the gates, then running into his arms kinda thing. He didn’t see Ais, so she let him off, but we were all wondering what he was up to. He’s been very secretive of late. Sometimes he gets like that when he’s on a big case, so we thought it was that, but no. Love is in the air, apparently.’

  ‘Ah, I hope it works out for him. He hasn’t had a serious girlfriend before, has he?’

  ‘Oh, he did—God, what a tale of woe that was. She was Italian, gorgeous, tiny, all brown eyes and shiny hair and talking with her hands...’ Jen rolled her eyes.

  Carmel chuckled. ‘I’m sensing some resentment there, Jen.’

  ‘Yeah, well, wait till you hear. He was weak for her, stone mad about her, and she was a right little princess. Anyway, she went home to Verona for her
mother’s birthday or something. Luke was supposed to go but he had to work, so she went alone. They were together over a year, and he just idolised her, and anyway what does my lady do? Only send him a text—a text, can you believe it? To say she was staying in Italy, she had fallen in love with some Marco or Pietro or Franco or whatever, like in four days or something, and basically told poor Luke to send on her stuff, she wasn’t coming back. He was gutted, absolutely devastated, and I wanted to rip her stupid Barbie doll head off of course. But anyway, it ended and that was that.’

  ‘Oh no, poor Luke. That’s awful.’

  ‘Yeah, he was months getting over it. I’m half afraid this is another Italian, and that’s why he’s being so secretive. Or maybe he just doesn’t want us all having opinions. It’s one of the downsides of a big family, Carmel: everyone’s an expert!’

  Carmel laughed. ‘I can’t wait to meet everyone at the wedding.’

  ‘Oh, you’ll be like Kim Kardashian, you’ll be photographed to death and everyone will want to hear your story from the horse’s mouth. You’ve given the family no end of gossip fodder. I never really knew about your mam, thankfully Dad didn’t go on about it, but now that you’ve reappeared in our lives it seems like everyone knew Dolly was the great love of his life.’

  Carmel detected a sadness in her sister, and she was anxious to alleviate any misgivings. ‘Joe’s told me so often how much he loved your mam, Jen, genuinely loved her, not as a consolation prize or whatever. They had a genuinely great marriage. I’d hate to think me turning up was destroying the real memory of that. And even though I never got to meet my mother, I think she would have been very upset too if that happened. She knew your dad was happy with Mary, that’s why she never went back.’

  ‘Ah, I know that, it’s a bit stupid, and I’m really happy we found you, so happy about that… But yeah, in a way, it does make me sad that everyone is going on about the thing my dad had with Dolly. Not to mention being forced to face the fact that my dad had a physical relationship with someone other than my mam. It’s not something anyone likes to dwell on, I know, and we never had to until now, so yeah, it’s not always easy. I mean they always say, ‘Oh, but he had a great marriage with Mary too,’ but almost like a side point or something. Luke and I got a bit odd with our aunt the other day when we met her and she started with it again...’

  Carmel loved the honesty that existed between them. From the very first meeting with her sister, there had been no pretence. They both just said things as they felt them.

  ‘I can imagine how hard that must be,’ Carmel said gently. ‘I wish I could do something, to stop it. I know that’s not how Joe sees it anyway, and that’s what really matters.’

  ‘Yeah, exactly, we’ll just have to stick together and put up with a bit of tongue wagging.’

  ‘Always, I’m 100 percent behind you and Luke. You could have told me to buzz off and that you wanted nothing to do with me and nobody would’ve blamed you, but you didn’t. I owe you both big time, so you’ll always have my loyalty.’

  Jen smiled, her eyes were suspiciously bright. ‘Don’t mind me, it’s all the hormones. Damien says I’m mental these days, laughing one minute, crying the next. It’s this little trickster in here I blame.’ She placed her hand on her belly again.

  ‘So, speaking of which, is it a boy or a girl, do you think?’ Carmel asked.

  Jen smiled. ‘I don’t honestly know, though either will be great. My mam used to say boys wreck your house and girls wreck your head, so either way destruction is in my future!’

  ‘You must miss her, especially now,’ Carmel said quietly.

  ‘I do, so much. But, and I’m not just saying this, Carmel, I love having you as a sister. I know you don’t have kids, but it’s nice to have some woman in the family to talk to. Dad’s great and everything, but he’s my dad, y’know? And I think every time I mention the pregnancy, Luke changes the subject for fear I’m going to give him too much information on my internal workings.’

  Carmel felt a flood of warmth engulf her. To go from nobody loving her to this new life full of family and friendship threatened to overwhelm her sometimes, but to hear Jen talk like this always soothed her troubled spirit.

  They chatted about the impending arrival for a few more minutes, until Sean woke from his nap and Jen had to go.

  Once she ended the call, Carmel sat in her chair and, try as she might, couldn’t stop the tears. She was really happy for Jennifer, of course she was, but that didn’t stop her feeling sad. She didn’t know where this sudden longing for a child of her own was coming from, but now it seemed all-pervasive. She was becoming obsessed, constantly looking at babies in the park, in cafes, and imagining having one of her very own. She even bought some Johnson’s baby powder the other day, just to imagine what having a baby would smell like. If anyone saw her, they’d think she’d lost her marbles.

  Since the peculiar conversation with Zeinab, she’d suspected there was something Sharif hadn’t told her. Zeinab was definitely stirring, though why, she didn’t know yet. Probably just her fondness for causing dissension.

  Carmel pulled herself together, fixed her face, and went about her business. She was going to have to talk to Sharif. Maybe they could go out to dinner later, have a chat uninterrupted. Between the new extension being built to the main building and the demands of the patients, it was hard to get quality time together, but she knew if she told him she wanted to talk, he’d organise cover. Still, she felt bad asking for his time at the moment; he didn’t often take time off, and the preparation for his absence was very time-consuming. Patients and their families panicked when they heard Dr Khan wasn’t going to be around for a few weeks, so he was anxious to help them build up trust with Dr Benedict Cruz and the locum team who were covering his holiday.

  She could put it off, she supposed, but once they were in Ireland, the whole family would be there and it would be even harder to get time alone. She’d have to try to get some time with him before they left.

  Part of her wanted to run scared from the conversation, but she had given too many years of her life in silence, not daring to have a point of view. Then Sharif had come and changed all of that. He would want her to speak her mind.

  Chapter 9

  ‘You look lovely.’ Sharif smiled, his head to one side, admiring her as the waiter grinned and gave her the menu.

  One of the many things she’d had to get used to when she and Sharif first got together were the compliments and how he didn’t care who was listening when he gave them. She used to get embarrassed and wish he wouldn’t, but she was getting used to it.

  ‘Thanks. So do you.’ She smiled, and it made him laugh.

  ‘You always say that. I love it. Most women just accept the compliment, as if giving them is a one-way street, men to women. You don’t do that.’

  ‘I suppose there has to be some advantages to having an emotionally delayed, inexperienced wife?’ She winked to take the self-pity from her words. ‘I haven’t a clue what’s normal.’

  ‘Well, don’t ever change.’

  They were at a lovely Thai place near Aashna, a place where they liked the food and the ambiance. Sharif had figured out quickly that very fancy places made Carmel feel on edge—she hated the sensation of being a VIP—so they tended to go more low-key with socialising. The Siam Orchid was lovely, and Carmel adored their fresh, spiced food. The staff knew them and were friendly without being overbearing, and just last year the grandmother of the family who owned it died peacefully and happily in Aashna, so they always made an extra special effort to make Sharif and Carmel feel welcome. The place was quite busy, and the general hubbub of chatter and low background music meant they could talk without being overheard.

  After giving their orders for dinner, they ordered a bottle of red wine and were sipping in companionable silence when Sharif spoke again.

  ‘So, what did you want to talk to me about? Anything in particular?’

  Carmel put down her glass and s
wallowed. It was stupid to be nervous around him, but she was.

  The food arrived, and it gave her a chance to gather her thoughts. Once all the dishes were on the table, Sharif raised his eyebrows questioningly.

  ‘Well? Out with it.’ He grinned.

  ‘I... I don’t know really where to start. I... I’d love to have a baby.’

  There. It was out. She knew she should stop now, allow him to digest it, but she heard herself babble on.

  ‘I know I’m probably too old, and you may not want to anyway, what with Aashna and everything, and even if we could, like, I have no experience of being in a family, let alone being a mother, and...then Zeinab said something...about you and Jamilla. She assumed you’d told me, but she wouldn’t elaborate.’

  Sharif leaned over and put his hand on hers. She stopped talking.

  Something in him had changed. Gone was his twinkly smile, the roguish grin to be replaced by something else, something she couldn’t read. He put his chopsticks down and sighed.

  The silence was frightening. Maybe she shouldn’t have said anything. She had no right to demand more, to pry into his past. If he wanted to tell her, if he wanted a child, he would have said so. The insecurities and fear raced around in her brain.

  It wasn’t like him to be speechless. He was always the one who soothed her, made her feel everything was going to be OK. Seeing the pain and confusion on his face now was so hard.

  Eventually, he spoke, and even his voice sounded different.

  ‘Carmel, I don’t even know where to start.’ He sighed again and took a sip of his wine. ‘I haven’t been honest with you. I should have been. I wanted to be so often, and even my mother asked me if I’d told you, but I just... I don’t know... It was in the past, and I didn’t want to go through it all again. We should have talked about this, about children and all of that, your hopes, your expectations, but to be honest I hoped it would just go away. I didn’t want to deal with it. Too afraid, I suppose.’