by EJ Valson
"So, exactly how will you get back?" he inquires.
I consider my answer, which is that I really don't know. Like some crazy science fiction movie, I'm supposed to take a serum and hope it knocks me into a dimension that leads me back to the right time and place. Joe has a hard time understanding my explanation, but tries the best he can. He then asks what will happen if I do make it back. I tell him that we believe everything will just stop in this time, like a book that doesn't get finished or a movie that's put on pause and never played again. No one will be harmed, or affected or remember anything. No one but possibly me.
"What happens if it doesn't work?" he asks, more seriously.
I finish my beer. "I'll have to show you," I answer.
We make our way to the living room and I get out our camcorder so I can play the tape. Joe helps me connect it and set the television to the right mode. My heart begins to race as we sit down and press Play.
Joe listens, fascinated by Jesus' tale. He's sitting upright, completely absorbed in what Jesus' brother says. I stand leaning against the wall, watching Joe's reactions to the film. In the moment the camera gets a view of Jesus on the mattress, I see his expression drastically change. He looks at me with wide eyes.
"What happened to him?" he asks.
I shrug. "They aren't sure," I reply.
When the tape ends Joe gets up and walks over to turn off the TV. He's silent and seems overwhelmed again. His head is down and his hands are on his hips. He's deep in thought. "You can't do this," he says to me. "It's too dangerous."
"I have to," I say, tears welling in my eyes. "I want to go home."
CHAPTER 85
At the end of Friday's workday, I make sure to tell everyone to have a good weekend, but really I'm saying goodbye. Stacy is going to the coast with Lewis, so before she heads out the door I stop her and give her a hug, which catches her a little off guard. "Have the best time," I say.
She returns the embrace, but gives me a long look deep into my eyes before leaving. I can tell she's wondering what's been up with my mood the last few days. I've been more laid back about work stuff, and more interested in reminiscing and visiting. Even when Steve half-joked that I needed to get back to work, I just laughed it off. What difference will it make if I just screw around at work anyway?
The building is almost empty when it's time for me to go home. I take my time walking around and shutting off lights. I have a flashback to all of the silly times I had in this department. I smile at the thought of Michael and me joking around during work when we first were friends. I miss those days.
After getting in my car, I head to my mom's house. I bought flowers on my lunch break that I want to give her. She isn't home when I arrive, so I leave them and the card inside her entry for her to find when she gets back. My next stop is Astrid's. I pull into her driveway around 5:30 p.m. She calls out for me to let myself in after I knock on the front door. I quickly find her in the kitchen cooking something that smells delicious.
"Hey there," I say, when entering.
"Hi, honey. To what do I owe the pleasure?" she asks, while stirring some sort of liquid in a big pot.
"I just wanted to get a chance to visit with you in private before Sunday," I say.
Her face lights up. "Aww, that's a lovely thought," she remarks. She puts the ladle down and wipes her hand on a dish towel. "Want to sit outside?" she asks.
I agree and follow her out to the small bistro table in the back yard. The temperature outside is mild, so we can enjoy the solace of her little garden without getting overheated. I can smell a hint of lavender and other herbs in the air. Even with the buzzing of traffic on the busy road so nearby, I feel at peace here.
"I have something for you," I tell her, while reaching inside my purse.
"Oh, that's sweet," she replies. I then pull out a small bundle of tissue paper and hand her the gift I purchased earlier in the day. She's surprised by my gesture and gingerly takes it from my hand. Astrid is careful as she opens the tiny package. When she finally exposes the gift, her eyes soften.
"It's beautiful," Astrid says tenderly. She lifts from the tissue the silver necklace chain from which a small pair of silver angel wings hang.
"You've been like a guardian angel throughout this whole thing, Astrid. I wanted to make sure you had a pair of wings that everyone could see," I say.
I can tell she's touched by the gift, as she is silent but smiling while carefully inspecting the necklace. "Can you help me put it on?" she asks. I stand up and move behind her. She lifts her long, thick, grey hair away from her neck so I can lock the clasp.
"Perfect. Thank you," she says, while caressing the tiny wings with her fingertips.
I return to my chair across from her and we sit in silence. She reminds me of my friend Kelly. She and I can sit quietly and not be uncomfortable. It's like being with a close family member. It's just easy.
"I have a son," Astrid abruptly declares.
I quickly turn my head and look square at her. "You do?" I ask perplexed.
I instantly feel guilty for not know this. In truth, I barely know anything about Astrid's personal life. Was she ever married? Does she have a boyfriend? She knows almost everything important about me. I don't even know the very basics about her. It now occurs to me that I haven't been a very good friend to her, and she's been the best friend anyone could have asked for in this kind of situation.
"Well, I had a son. He died three years ago from cancer," she shares. My heart drops in my chest. I don't know what to say. I can't imagine the loss of a child. I feel horrible that she had to endure that. No one ever should.
"I'm so sorry, Astrid," I say.
She shrugs. "Oh, it's alright. I've made peace with it. It was so hard to see him in pain, and when he went I was just grateful that he wasn't suffering anymore. The worst part, though, is that if it would have been caught early on, it might have been completely curable," she says, and heavily sighs.
I wonder to myself for a moment if she knew he was sick before he did. Did she see the illness inside of him? Did she sense it? "I know what you must be thinking. Did I know he was ill?" she says. I catch my breath, as I'm a little put off by her practically reading my mind.
"I didn't. He was like you-hard to read. And he kept his distance from me. I didn't know he was sick until he told me about it. When I finally got to see him in person, I knew it was grave," she explains.
"I think about you. I think about how you had this chance to come back in time. I wonder if I will ever be so lucky. I wish I could see him just once more," she says wistfully.
I again think about how I've again taken so many things for granted while being here. My chance to see Olivia as a little girl again. My parents at a younger age. My friends and other family members. Astrid slowly lifts her head and makes eye contact.
"Enjoy it while you can, sweetie," she says.
I know what she means. Regardless of what life I'm living, what decade, what year, it's all going to be the past at some point. It will all be intangible and at best a memory. I stand up and move to Astrid's side. "I'll see you Sunday," I say. I then give her a quick peck atop her head and squeeze her shoulder before walking away. There's only a few moments left in this version of my life, and I need to enjoy them.
CHAPTER 86
On Sunday morning, I awaken to a ray of sunlight shining directly on my face. I squint a little to adjust my eyes before fully opening them. Today is the day.
I look to my right and see that Olivia's still sleeping next to me. Exhausted from swimming and going to the fair the day before, she's now curled up on her side, blankets tucked under her chin. I lean over and gently stroke her hair, before giving her a light kiss on the side of her head and snuggling up behind her. I hold my darling daughter while she dreams. She's blissfully unaware that this may be the last time I get to embrace her like this. I'm painfully aware of it.
My phone startles me when it rings from the nightstan
d. I hurriedly reach to answer before it wakes Olivia. "Hello?" I answer, in a hushed voice.
"Hi, love," Kelly replies. I smile, as I haven't heard from her in a long time. In my preoccupation with preparing for my departure, I almost forgot to call her.
"Hey you," I respond. "One second. Let me move to the living room."
I quickly grab my robe and tiptoe quietly out of the room. The guest bedroom door is closed, so I know Joe is still asleep, as he has decided to stay with us until I leave. I head outside to the patio to talk, as it could take a while and I don't want to wake anyone up. I sit down on the cold patio chair and pull my knees to my chest to keep warm.
"Sorry about that," I say.
"No problem," Kelly replies.
Whenever I get a call or visit from Kelly it's a big deal. We've been friends for so long that we're actually more like sisters. We don't know the details of each other's day-to-day lives, but when we spend time together it's as if no time has passed at all. I couldn't tell you her favorite color, song or movie, but I can tell you that she is one of my favorite people. And I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual.
For the next thirty minutes we catch up and laugh like always. She makes sure I'm doing OK with the divorce and I assure her that I am. I wish I could tell her what's really been going on, but I know it's unnecessary. Even though I'm certain she would do her best to support and believe me, it isn't the last conversation I want to have with her. So instead I opt to tell her that I'll be in touch and that I love her before we hang up. I also make a mental note to follow through with that if I get home. I've quickly learned that life is too short to take loved ones for granted.
When I go back into the house, Joe's sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee. He's deep in thought. "Morning," I say closing the patio door behind me.
"Hi," he says quietly.
I walk towards him and sit in the chair across from his. "Are you OK?" I ask.
He nods unconvincingly. "Are you sure you're ready to do this?" he asks, finally making eye contact.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I am," I confidently reply.
"OK," he says. "Then so am I."
We're interrupted by little feet thumping down the hallway towards us. Olivia jumps into my lap and snuggles into my chest. I watch as Joe smiles at the sight of his sweet daughter. I try and take a picture with my mind. Will I remember this moment if I cross over? I hope so.
After making Olivia breakfast and having a cup of coffee, I decide to go get ready. We have about eight hours until Joe and I go to Astrid's, but first we are going to take Olivia to the park and dinner before dropping her at my mom's house to spend the night. As far as my mom knows, she is just having a night with Olivia. But what I know is that it may be the last time they see me the way I am now.
I let the warm water flow over my body in the shower. I take my time savoring the sensation of getting clean. It's like a baptism. When I'm finished, I try to find something to wear that I will miss getting the chance to wear again. I scour through the closet until finding an outfit that suits my mood.
I find a sun dress that I've forgotten about buried deep in the back of the closet. It was something I purchased with Stacy on our first shopping trip. I run my fingertips over the soft, white cotton, appreciating the simple embellishments and patterns in the dress. After putting it on, I take a long look in the mirror. I appear almost innocent-unsmudged, pure. I need to go into this day with that same mind frame. I need to be at peace.
I slip on a pair of low-heeled wedges and put my hair up half way. Then I put on a pair of earrings that Joe got me for Christmas. The small diamond studs are just enough to adorn my ear lobes without being too flashy.
When finished, I grab my laptop and power it on. After several minutes, it's finally functioning. I open my instant messenger and search for Michael's contact icon. He's offline, but I can still send him a message that he'll get when signing on later. And I'm actually sort of relieved that I'll be able to tell him what I need to without him being able to respond.
I begin to type.
"Hi, Michael. I am sorry I missed you. I'm also sorry that I haven't been able to talk much lately. I've been a little preoccupied. But I just wanted to say again?that I love you, very much. I want you to remember what I told you in England. Remember it all?and don't ever forget it. YOU will forever be MY soul mate."
I hit SEND and log off. I'm sure he'll get it before I depart, but there is nothing more to say. If I don't make it back, I pray that he'll carry my words with him always. If I do make it back, I'll tell him myself.
I then go back to the bedroom and make one last call. The phone rings three times before my grandpa picks up. I fight back tears when hearing his humble voice answer. I'll most likely never get to hear it again. We talk for a few minutes before my grandma gets on the line. She talks about their dinner plans at my cousin's house, an upcoming trip to southern California, and how much she misses us all. She makes me promise to tell her "blue eyes," that big Grandma and big Grandpa love her very much. I assure her that I'll pass along the message to Olivia, and then tell her how much I love them before hanging up. With the click of the phone disconnecting, I feel like I've lost them both for a second time. They, are once again, on the "other side" of life.
It's the middle of the afternoon by the time we're ready to leave. While Joe puts Olivia in the car, I take one last look around the house that has been my home for the past year. I take the letters that were hidden in my drawer and place them on the dining room table so Joe will see them if he comes back. Which would mean I didn't cross over.
Joe has been quiet and somber all day, but I can't let his personal feelings affect mine right now. I have to stay grounded in my belief that I'm doing the right thing. I need to stay focused.
We spend the day at the park feeding ducks and pushing Olivia on the swings. I enjoy the feeling of the warm grass under my bare feet, and the sun kissing my legs as I run from the ducks that are chasing us for bread. Olivia squeals with laughter when she sees me running from a goose that I'm sure will bite me if it gets the chance. I relish in her delight and try to live fully in the moment.
We have a leisurely dinner at a local brewery. I can't help but watch Olivia and Joe as they sit and eat next to each other. They chew the same, drink the same and make the same facial expressions when they enjoy their food. Joe catches me staring at one point and gives me a questioning look. I simply mouth the words, "Thank you." Joe nods in understanding. He gave me one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received-my first born daughter.
At 7:00 p.m. we head over to my mom's house. Joe waits in the car while I take Olivia inside. When my mom opens the door, she notices him and politely waves, but I can tell she's confused as to why we're together. I step inside and close the door behind me.
"Does he want to come in?" she asks.
"Oh no. We just took Olivia out together today and it ran a bit late so he came with me to drop her off," I ramble my explanation. She nods and doesn't pry.
"I'll take her stuff upstairs," my mom says, taking Olivia's backpack in her arms.
After she leaves, I get down on my knees so that I'm now at Olivia's level. She is eager to go play, but I need to have this moment with her.
"Livi," I say, while gently cupping her cheeks in my palms. Tears are beginning to pool in my eyes. "I want you to know that Mommy loves you soooo much, OK? You are the most wonderful girl," I say, before pausing to compose myself. Her big blue eyes search mine in confusion. I can tell that she wants to go and be a kid, but for this one moment I need her attention.
"And no matter what, remember, Mommy will always love you and my love is always with you, OK?" I say choking back tears. Olivia nods her head and leans in to hug me. She wraps her tiny arms tight around my neck and squeezes. I embrace her back as tight as I can without hurting her.
"I love you too, Mommy," she replies. When she leans back she gives me a quick kiss on the lips and runs
off to play outside.
My mom reappears and makes her way to the bottom stair, just barely avoiding Olivia running into her. She laughs at Olivia's energetic joy. "OK, honey. I think she's all set," she says.
I'm silent for a moment while taking in this possibly last moment with my mom. I reach out for her and pull her in close. "I love you, Mom." I whisper, while trying not to cry.
Without questioning my emotion, she hugs me back. "I love you too, baby," she says softly.
"Bye," I say, quickly turning away so she won't see the tears that are escaping my eyes.
"Bye, honey," she replies, as I hurry out.
Joe starts the car when he sees me step out of the house and onto the porch. Before getting in the car, I hear Olivia's laughter coming from the back yard and I smile. When I slide into the seat, Joe asks if I'm alright. I nod as convincingly as I can, and stare out the window while trying to compose myself. I fear that if he sees me troubled he won't let me go through with the procedure.
