The Nostalgia Effect

by EJ Valson

  I ask him to quickly stop by my dad's house. He agrees, and again waits in the car while I run in to say goodbye. As I quietly approach the screen door, I see my dad sitting in his recliner watching TV. Mary is sitting on the couch nearby and they are holding hands over the open space. At this angle, they're unable to see me watching them laugh in unison at something on the TV. They are content in their routine and in their life together. I smile, because I know they are going to be just fine. I'm grateful that in either version of my life, he has a good woman who loves him. But in all honesty, I'm most hopeful that Nancy will be the next person I see holding his hand.

  "I love you, Dad," I silently mouth through the screen. I know that he can't hear or see me, but I decide to leave it at that. Then I turn around and hurry back to the car.

  "That was quick," Joe comments when I get in.

  I shrug. "I said what I needed to," I reply. I lean my head back and close my tired eyes. I see Stella's smiling and laughing. I see Michael reaching out to embrace me. And I see a teenage Olivia, waiting for her mother to guide her.

  A sense of calm washes over me. I am ready.

  CHAPTER 87

  "Are you sure you want to do this, Jennifer? If this doesn't work, the outcome could be devastating," John quietly cautions. I stare at the vial in his hand and remind myself to breathe. I'm afraid, but anxious. Sad, but excited. I only have one shot to get back to where I came from. Back to where I belong. I nod to assure him, and he heavily sighs.

  My attention turns to Joe, who is sitting and patiently waiting on the other side of the room. He's scared too-scared he could lose me forever, his friend and the mother of his child. But he's deeply in love with Rachel now and I know that he's starting to love her in the way he never loved me. I don't want to be a burden for him. I want them to live their life without me being an obstacle or Joe having to take care of me. I need to do this for him as much as myself.

  "Joe, can I talk to you for a minute?" I ask him. He nods and stands up from his chair. I reach out for Joe to take my hand, then lead him into the kitchen. I'm struggling to find the right words. I have so much to say.

  We have come such a long way. When I first arrived in this life, I resented him for a previous marriage that lacked everything I have with Michael. But somewhere along the way something changed and it brought us to a friendship I hadn't anticipated. He's a good man and a good father. I only want him to have the love and life he deserves and I know that I was never meant to be the one to give that to him. Rachel is.

  I fight back the tears as I look into his eyes, which are beginning to fill with tears, but he holds them back. "I can't thank you enough, Joe. I know this was so hard for you to accept. And I appreciate you believing in me," I say, my voice straining with emotion.

  He squeezes my hand and clenches his jaw for a moment. "You're welcome," he mumbles, before hanging his head. I pull Joe in close and wrap my arms around him. Then I rest my head on his chest, just like I did the night we danced at the wedding. This time I'm comforting him.

  "If this doesn't work and you see me slipping away, please take Olivia somewhere else. Take care of her and love her for the both of us. Just make sure she knows how much I love her," I say through tears that are now flowing abundantly.

  Joe backs away and looks at me. He's starting to panic. "We don't have to do this, Jen. We can keep things the way they are. We will figure out something," he pleads. I cup the sides of his face with my hands, forcing him to look at me.

  "This is not the way it's supposed to be. We have lives we need to live. People we need to love. We can't play it safe. We will only resent each other if we do. And you will always wonder 'what if.' You are having a baby with Rachel, Joe. You love her," I say firmly.

  Joe smiles a little at this fact before agreeing with me. He knows it's the truth. Astrid helped him see his future. He knows he's not supposed to be with me. And I can tell that he's truly in love with Rachel. I'm not going to be someone's "pity wife."

  I remove my hands from his face and pull him in again for another embrace. "We may never be this way again, but I'm grateful that we were for a while," I whisper in his ear. ?

  John quickly walks into the room, interrupting us. "Sorry for intruding, but it's getting close and we have to be specific on the time or we lose a chance of this working," he hastily explains.

  I release Joe and gently kiss his cheek. "Here's to our futures," I say, forcing a smile. He forces a slight grin and releases me so I can follow John back to the living room.

  There's a nervous tension in the room. I feel like I'm walking into my ultimate fate. There is no turning back. I have fully committed to this. I want Joe to have the love he deserves and children with the woman I know his heart belongs to. And even though younger Michael doesn't truly understand the intensity of my love for him, future Michael would want me back.

  Before we proceed, I walk over to Astrid and look at her for a moment without saying anything. With her, there really isn't a reason to use words. She already knows what I'm feeling. She reaches out to embrace me and we stay that way for a moment.

  "Thank you, Astrid," I say quietly.

  Before getting the chance to second guess this decision, I remind myself that I'd never go through with this if there was a possibility that anyone else would be hurt by the process. Regardless of what happens to me, their lives will still go on one way or another. I will be the most affected in either case. This thought surprisingly comforts me, as I lie down on the couch.

  I turn my head to face Astrid and Joe, who are now standing side-by-side. Her arm is around him. I smile slightly, then turn away and stare up at the ceiling. John kneels down beside me, clearly nervous. "You ready?" he asks, slightly tense. I smile and nod to reassure him.

  "I'm so sorry if this doesn't work," he apologizes. I place my hand over his knuckles, which are white from clasping the vial.

  "Thank you for everything John. I know that isn't enough, but I appreciate everything you've done to get me home," I softly say.

  John's not an emotional person, but I can tell I've struck a chord, as he can no longer look me in the eye. His hand begins shaking a bit. He nods with acknowledgement and carefully pulls the small cork from the tiny vial. He intensely follows the hands on his watch.

  I close my eyes and take slow deep breaths to calm my nerves. I begin to do a relaxation technique that I'd use when suffering from insomnia in the future. I tell myself the story of how Michael and I met. This always eased my tension and I could usually relax and fall asleep quickly. Michael's face appears in my mind. He is older and smiling at me. He's encouraging me to come back to him.

  "Alright, now open your mouth," John instructs. I quickly brace myself for the contents of the vial. I'm suddenly feeling vulnerable, my heart's pounding in my chest. "Now," he says urgently.

  A rush of adrenaline scorches through my body when I feel the thick drop of liquid hit my tongue. It takes only a moment for the vial to empty. John deeply exhales, then pats my shoulder to let me know that he's finished. A moment later, I hear him move away.

  I firmly press my lips together and swallow. The flavor is bitter, then sweet, then sour, then salty, then my mouth feels numb. I stay as still as possible with my eyes clenched shut, as I feel a sudden rush of emotion consume me. I have the urge to laugh, and then cry. I can feel a tear running down my cheek. I hear Astrid, John and Joe quietly repeating the prayer they were told to say. Their voices are starting to drift farther away. Are they leaving me here alone?

  Suddenly, my body feels very heavy. I'm being pulled from behind, but at the same time I have the sensation of being thrust forward. I cannot physically move. I'm still lying down, but starting to feel weightless, like I am floating. Their voices keep getting farther away. My ears are plugging, as if I'm under water. My head starts throbbing. I can no longer move, and I can't make it stop. I can't break free. It's too late.

  I feel nauseous and need to throw up, but my lips wo
n't part. My body aches all over, as if it's being thrown around. Suddenly, and all at once, I'm trapped, free, sad, sick, happy, hurt, joyful, angry, lost.

  Dead.

  CHAPTER 88

  My body slams into something hard. I'm gasping, but unable to breathe. Everything hurts inside and out. I momentarily struggle while lying stunned against a solid surface, before slowly reaching out for something to grab onto. I feel only cold, smooth stone around me. When I'm able to breathe again, I try opening my eyes and they resist. Open! When they finally do, everything is blurry. Wherever I am is dark, but it feels like I'm outside. However there's no sound or any movement of air.

  The pain is slowly subsiding, but my heart continues to thump inside my chest. I force my body to turn over on my stomach, then cough a bit before getting on all fours. Stomach acid instantly fills my throat, but I force it down. I take a full breath, then push back on my heels to sit up. The dizziness and nausea begin to wane. I'm feeling a sense of terror as I lift my head and prepare to see my surroundings. My tired eyes finally focus.

  I slowly look to my left and see a sky full of stars, with a brilliant full moon, hanging above a field of tall grass. Looking down, I see that I'm sitting on dark, glassy marble. Ahead of me is a path that reflects the night sky. Turning my head, I'm surprised to find the exact same thing on the opposite side. Another moon and more stars. It's a mirrored image and I can't tell which one is the reflection.

  I slowly pull myself up to standing. I'm able to breathe better and my heart rate is returning to normal. Stepping forward, I notice that I'm now wearing a long, white, sheet-like dress. I graze the fabric with my fingertips. It's soft and satin-like.

  My eyes continue to adjust into focus. I cannot see any farther than fifty or so feet in front of me. Only the light from the sky is guiding the way. I take small steps with bare feet on the cold marble walkway. From my left, a comet soars across the sky. I instantly see the mirrored image of the same thing on my right. The tail of the comet vanishes on both sides in unison.

  I'm starting to feel a slight breeze, but the grassy field remains still. I carefully walk to the left side and reach out to touch a blade of grass. As I touch it, it slowly lights up. Startled, I quickly pull my hand away. Its appearance returns to normal. Now curious, I turn around and walk to the opposite side. I notice that I don't see a reflection of myself, so it doesn't appear to be a mirror. What is it, then? I then touch a piece of grass in the field on the right. It lights up in the same way. This time I keep my finger on it. To my amazement, it changes colors. White, to gold, gold to yellow, yellow to blue, and blue to purple. It's remarkable.

  I'm now intrigued and want to see more. I move to the middle of the marble path and slowly walk forward. The moonlight guides me as I cautiously move along. I'm still listening for a sign of life, but there's nothing. This is the loudest silence I've ever heard. The darkness ahead of me doesn't change shape or reveal anything new, but I keep going.

  Suddenly, a zapping noise begins all around me. It sounds like an electrical short. Both sky's light up and a projector-like screen appears in each one. A moment later, images begin flashing quickly in unison. I stop and stare in astonishment. The images move so fast that I can barely make out what they are.

  I see pictures of hands, cities, faces of babies, a man, and people together. I can't see any details. I don't know what or who I'm looking at specifically. The images keep looping and repeating themselves. I quickly look left and right to see if the images are staying exactly the same on both sides. I'm beginning to notice a pattern. My heart starts to beat faster.

  Growing more scared and confused, I don't' know what I'm supposed to do with this information. I try and focus. This has to mean something. It's supposed to resonate with me. I continue looking back and forth, from side to side. I'm waiting for something, but I'm not sure what yet. The images are starting to look more and more familiar. It now occurs to me that I'm seeing images from my childhood, my future life and my past, flash quickly before my eyes. I intensely study the dueling images. This is a test!

  Something isn't right, though. The pictures aren't matching completely and the timing of the images seems slightly off. Look! Focus! Focus! I'm sensing that one of the sets of images is real and the other is not. I quickly recall Jesus' story. I know I have to figure out which is which, but things are no longer as clear as they were before. I'm struggling again to recollect memories and questioning my certainty about my life.

  Three images are now consistently looping-a newborn baby crying, wedding bands being placed on hands, and a cityscape. They keep repeating in order on each screen, but are moving so fast that I barely have seconds to focus on them. I concentrate harder. I see it! The wedding bands on the left aren't ours! They aren't our hands!

  "That one!" I yell and point, though there's no one to hear my answer. The images abruptly freeze on the screen. The one on the right is clearly the correct one. It's a picture of Michael's and my hands on our wedding day.

  I feel the ground starting to warm up a bit. I look down and see the marble floor is beginning to turn slightly gold in color, and there's a stream of light emerging beneath my feet. It then extends out in front of me. I take a few steps and it keeps growing, as if leading the way.

  I pick up my pace, then I start running. The faster I run the more it extends. My feet slap hard against the stone beneath them, but I don't care, I keep going. I'm not paying attention to anything other than pathway of light ahead of me, though I don't know where it leads. I'm moving so fast, that I'm unable to see anything around me anymore. I no longer see the line either. But, I can hear the sound of my own scream as I fall into nothingness.

  Does anyone hear me?

  CHAPTER 89

  Once again, I'm in darkness, but I am not in pain this time. I frantically search the space around me with my hands. I'm atop something like sheets and a mattress. I think I'm in a bed, but where? I slowly reach further out to my side, wondering if there's someone next to me. I fear it will be Joe- that it will be anyone but Michael.

  My hand drops into an empty space. There's nothing but air. I reach to my other side. It's the same thing. Wherever I'm laying is very small. My breath quickens and I begin feeling claustrophobic. I shake and begin crying in fear, when suddenly a door opens.

  Startled, I scream. A light silhouettes a figure standing in the doorway. I pull back, afraid of who might approach me. The figure rushes over to my side. Shutting my eyes, I brace myself to be harmed. Instead, the feeling of gentle hands brush the top of my head and a voice hushes me soothingly.

  "It's OK, honey," the voice whispers. I know this voice. It's my mother's. I quickly open my eyes and try to see her face. What am I doing in my mom's house? How did I get here?

  I hear her reach for something and a light clicks on. I gasp when seeing her face. She is younger, possibly in her mid-thirties. I glance around the room. It's a child's room. My childhood room.

  "What the hell?" I blurt out. My mom's brow furrows and she looks shocked.

  "Jenni, what did you say?" she sternly asks.

  I look at her, surprised by her reprimanding tone. I frantically look around the room and then down at myself in the bed. It's a small bed, and my feet aren't even reaching the end of it. I notice my hands. They are the size of a small child's. I think I'm going to hyperventilate.

  "OK, let's go get you a drink of water," my young mother says, noticing my disorientation.

  I climb out of the bed and hesitantly follow her. She makes her way ahead of me as if this is nothing abnormal. I cautiously look around before stepping out into the hall. Everything looks just as it did when I was growing up here. The wall colors are the same yellowish beige. The carpet is old green and brown shag. The art on the walls is still the same. The only difference now is they are higher above me than the last time I stood here, at the age of fourteen. How did this happen?

  Upon entering the kitchen, she leisurely grabs a cup from the cabi
net, fills it with water and hands it to me. "Here you go, sweetie," she says gently.

  I gaze up at her, wide-eyed. It's my mom. It's my hero. She's just younger-about the age I was when thrown into this nightmare. Her normally grey hair is again a dusty brown. Her skin is smoother and more plump.

  Without caution, I lean in and wrap my arms around her. "Mommy," I say instinctively. I feel instantly safe. She leans over and embraces me back. I don't know what this means, but I don't want to think about it right now. I just want to feel the sanctuary of my mother's arms and protection from my current circumstances.

  Something wet starts tickling the back of my ankle. It feels like the tongue of an animal. I giggle and turn around to see our small cocker spaniel sitting, wagging its tail. "Hi, puppy," I say and lean over to pet it. The dog is eager to kiss my face. I laugh again and pet its soft head, as it tries to jump on me. I stop worrying for a moment and enjoy the reunion between me and a dog I haven't seen in years. Then the realization hits me that I've never seen this dog?.ever. This isn't our dog. We didn't have a cocker spaniel. Kelly's family did.