by Oakes, Tara
The waiting room is swollen with Kingsmen. The hallways are lined with them. They’ve been here for days and days. Every new treatment or procedure brought them hope. The blood transfusions, the immunosuppressive drugs. Every disappointment rippled through them.
“Nurse, can you help me?” Asweet old lady walking down the hallway spots me in my scrubs. I smile to her, and nod to Lil’s indicating that I’ll catch up with her.
My shift has been over for about twenty minutes but like every other day this week, I’ll stay. I’m not scheduled for Vince’s floor, but I get to stop by often to check on everyone. Countless hours are spent here with Clink, waiting. The chemotherapy has just begun to be administered. Hopes are high.
I help Mrs. Jacobs to her room and settle her in before handing her over to the nurse on duty. The stress induced headache surging behind my eyes is worsening. I stop by the nurses-lounge and pop a couple of ibuprofen. Taking my cup of cool water with me, I walk aimlessly through the corridor.
I can’t see him now, lying in that bed. I’ve seen enough of it. My insides are torn, my conscience split. I must have walked down to the lab a half dozen times in the last 24 hours alone to be swabbed and tested to see if I’m a match. But each time I turn around. I know what will happen if I’m a match. I could very well help to save his life, but in the process could cost me the two things that mean the most to me. Clink and Brendan.
I find myself in front of the hospital chapel. It’s evening, and most visitors are in with their respective friend or loved one. The candle-lit room is empty and quiet. Perfect. I slide into one of the pews and set my half-filled cup aside.
I exhale deep and slow, imagining the stress escaping with it. I close my eyes and sink into myself, my shoulders rounding. My head proves heavy and I don’t even bother to fight the urge to lean forward to rest it on my forearms, balanced on the back of the pew in front of me.
The tightness in my brow from the tension headache relaxes as I press into the hardness of my arm. I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I knew from every other patient like him that I’d seen, that it would be long. It would be draining, exhausting. Jean, Jay, Lil’s…they’ve all gone through every emotion in the book. I’ve gone through the emotions, too. Just in private. Like I am now.
I remember back when I was the one sitting next to a hospital bed with mom and Dana by my side. Waiting. Praying. I remember the doctor’s face when he’d told us they’d done everything they could. I remember the endless sobbing and crying, unable to believe he was gone. He was my dad…and even if I had learned the truth then, I know I wouldn’t have hurt any less.
It doesn’t matter that his blood wasn’t the blood in my veins. It doesn’t matter that his hair and his eyes weren’t the same as mine, even though Dana was the spitting image of him. He was my daddy, and I was his little girl. And after the doctors came in that last night and told us he was gone, he was the one I mourned.
The only thing that helped numb the pain from his loss was letting it turn to anger and hate when I came across the truth. That hate has been fueling me, moving me forward, further away from the pain that it prevented me from having to deal with. I can’t go through that again.
If Vince is gone, then there’s no one left to hate. Nothing left to distract me from having to sort through the feelings stuffed deep down.
I won’t be the only one suffering. There will be others swimming in their own version of hell. Jean will be lost without him. Jay, my brother, will go through the same thing I will. We’ll both have to live without our fathers…although it’ll be two different men we mourn.
And the baby. The baby will never know their granddad. No matter how I try to villainize Vince, he loves his son. The child he chose to actually fulfill his fatherly role for, and the family he actually chose to head…I know they need him. I know that baby would be the love of that sorry bastard’s life. And even though it’s like stabbing a knife into my gut, I know that baby…my niece or nephew…will have a better life with their granddad in it.
“Hey…. there you are,” I hear Clink’s voice though the room and lift my head from its resting place.
I slide over for him and he takes a seat.
“Hey,” I whisper, truly glad to have him here. He wraps his arm around me and I close my eyes, savoring it.
“Praying?” he asks.
I turn my head to him, resting it on his shoulder. “Something like that.”
Clink places his lips on my forehead, “He can use every prayer around now. They all can.”
I nod in agreement. “Brendan?”
“He’s having supper with Ava and her ma in the cafeteria. I think he’ll head home with them. We’ve got to have church back at the clubhouse. Get things in place, in case….”
I swallow hard.
He adds, “You gonna head in to see them?”
I sit up, preparing, “I’m gonna see if I can finally get Jean and Lil’s to take a break and run home for a bit. I’ll sit with him.”
“You sure?” he pushes back to watch me.
I nod, “Yeah. I…I just need to stop at the lab first.”
******
PRESENT DAY
So here I sit, with the beeping of the monitors my only beacon to keep my thoughts from running away. He lies still, he’s still asleep. I don’t have much time.
I’ve had the testing done, I know I’m a match. Now…I just need to give my final answer. I’ve gone back and forth, weighed the pros and cons. I have little choice. The only thing left to do is let Dana know. I couldn’t in good conscience do this and not at least let her know. I know it’s not exactly routine, but it’s common enough to trust the doctors performing the procedure.
I’m not scared of it. I know I’ll be fine. I’m fucking petrified of what happens when it’s over, though. Might as well get this shit-show on the road.
******
“Hello?” her incessantly upbeat voice is unnatural. You can take the cheerleader out of high school, but you can’t take the cheerleader out of the girl.
“Dana…hi,” I close my eyes. I’m not exactly ready to make up with her, but this phone call needs to happen.
“Charlie…?” She’s cautious. I can understand that.
I clear my throat, “Yeah. Hi…I already said that, didn’t I. I…I’m just calling to let you know that I’m going in for a little procedure tomorrow.”
I can hear the masked worry in her voice. “Shit, Charlie! What kind of procedure?”
I try my best to downplay the significance of what I’m about to tell her. “Nothing major. Just gonna donate some bone marrow.”
“What?! OK. I’ll head down to Oakton tonight.” She’s already moving about, I can hear it in her breathing. No doubt, she’s packing a bag.
And…here is where it’s gonna get tricky.
“Dana, stop. I’m not in Oakton. I’ve never really been in Oakton,‘cept to meet up with you and mom. I’m with Brian in Chisolm.” No use in hiding the truth any longer. It’s about to come barreling out, anyway.
The air flowing over her receiver is slow and steady. “You’ve been in Chisolm this whole time? I don’t get you, Charlie. I mean, you promised mom you wouldn’t go looking for him. You swore. And…”
“Dana,” I interrupt her. “I’m not getting into this with you. Not now. I’d like to see what you would have done in my shoes. And as for mom…. it’s not like she doesn’t know a thing or two about breaking promises. Enough of this…I just wanted to let you know, in case.”
“I’m leaving tonight. I’ll be there. I’ll meet you at the hospital,” she’s resolute. My sister is almost as stubborn as I am. Seeing as we didn’t get it from the same father, I think it’s safe to say it came from mom.
I know what I’m about to ask her is probably pointless. But, I have to try.
“Please, Dana. I’m begging you. I’ve never asked you for anything. I’m asking now. Please, please don’t tell mom. I.. I have some things here that are about to get
blown to pieces tomorrow. I can’t add her to the mix. I can’t-” the salty water is welling in the inward corners of my eyes.
Silence.
She finally speaks, “I won’t tell mom. She’s gonna kill me when she finds out on her own, though. She’ll kill you, too.” She attempts humor. It’s just enough to snap me back from the verge of tears.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“No matter what’s happened, Charlie. We arestill sisters. I don’t care who your real dad is. It never mattered to our dad, it doesn’t matter to me. I’ll see you later. Text me your address.”
It may not have mattered to her, and I believe that it didn’t truly matter to our dad. But there are two people in this world it certainly did matter, too. It mattered to mom. It mattered to me.
There aren’t very many people in this world who can honestly say they’ve lived their lives thinking they were somebody, a certain type of person. And then one day…Boom! The truth hits you like a motherfucking backhand across the face. You were never really that person. And once the truth is out, and you can use it as a point of reference to look back at all the awkward looks at family parties, the whispering, the comments. It all falls into place.
My dad never paid it any mind. He did his best not to let it affect me.
But not mom.
Maybe she was unconsciously punishing me for being a daily reminder of her fuckup? Maybe she didn’t have the backbone to stand up to anyone backhandedly pointing out her dirty little secret. I don’t know. All I know is…I was never good enough for her. The day I found out why, was the day I took my walking papers and bolted.
I’m not ready to actually deal with her on a serious level yet. I’m not ready to face her and actually acknowledge the topic she so desperately tries to ignore. It’s like it doesn’t belong in her world. So, I’ve played along. I play nice and put on a show for our short little visits. No way would I be able to do that tomorrow.
She’s just one more thing I’ll have to put on my fucked-up to-do list.
******
“Chawlee…Turtles, please,” he points to the TV.
I laugh. He knows he’s not allowed to play with the electronics after Clink caught him trying to stuff a potato chip in the disc port. I unwrap the brand new Turtles disc I picked up on the way home, and pop it in.
“Settle down, kiddo. You’ve got a half hour before bed.”
Once the movie is rolling, I sit next to him on the couch and curl my feet up, under me. He wiggles himself in close and his eyes fix on the screen. I close my eyes and inhale the scent of the shampoo from the top of his head. This little boy hasn’t been in my life very long, but I’ve grown attached to him in ways I could never have imagined.
I wasn’t looking for this.
The pain in my chest from knowing what could possibly happen tomorrow is more than I believe I can bear. He’s already lost so much. His mom…I just, I can’t have him feel like he’s lost me, too. No matter what happens between his dad and me.
I kiss his little forehead and hold him close.
And watch the damn Turtles.
******
“What’s wrong, Sugar?” he asks.
I’ve been avoiding his eyes, his watchful stare all night. We haven’t talked much, but I think I’ve been able to hide it well, tending to Brendan and trying my best to look like your average overstressed, overworked mom.
“Hmm?” I look up and smile.
He studies me. “I said, what’s wrong?”
That’s a loaded question. Let’s see…I’m about to undergo a painful procedure to try and save a deadbeat low-life father. Oh, and it’s pretty much gonna come back and kick me in the teeth. What could be wrong?
“Nothing…just tired. I know they’re gonna make me work a double tomorrow. With everything going on with the club, and around here…it’s just a lot.”
Damn. It’s scary how easily I can conjure a cover story.
He nods, pulling his shirt off. “Well, it’s all about to be over, thank God.”
He has no idea how right he is. It is all about to be over.
The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. All the testing and re-testing. All the preparations. Once I was confirmed to be a match, Vince had to be prepped and readied for the procedure. I made damn sure I was nowhere around his room the day they told him they’d found a match. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stomach it.
The hardest thing was doing everything I needed to do to get myself ready, behind Clink’s back. The pre-op work, it was only made easier by the fact that I work in the damn hospital. Dana was called earlier today, and I’d texted her the address to my apartment. The hideaway key would finally be put to good use.
I see patients being wheeled into and out of surgery every day. I know how routine it is. Yet, my nerves are still rattled and Clink can sense it. Let’s hope my cover story is enough.
“Yeah, thank God. Everyone can just get back to normal in a day or so. I checked the O.R. schedule at work today. They have Vince penciled in for the day after tomorrow.”
He nods his head, “Yup. Jean told me.” He takes the tiny tank top that I’ve been folding from my hands and tosses it gently aside. “I don’t want to talk about Vince. Or surgeries, or work…I just want to hold you and block all the bullshit out.” He sits on the bed in front of me and pulls me in. “It’s been a long few weeks, Sugar. And you’ve stuck it out like the best of them. You’ve stepped up and taken care of me… and Brendan.”
He looks up, looks into my eyes. “I want you to know how grateful I am for that. For you.”
I smile softly at him. His strong arms hold me, his deep eyes devour me. God, I’m gonna lose my shit if those eyes keep looking at me. I won’t be able to hold it in much more. Once I start spewing truths, I won’t be able to stop. I can’t ruin tonight like that. I need to hold it in.
I bend down to take his lips, to claim him one last time before he’s no longer mine to claim. I don’t know what’s worse…feeling what he does to me, or knowing that I won’t feel it again. Our lips mold to each other’s, tongues reuniting after too many hours apart. I taste him, I smell him, I feel him. I need to be one with him.
“I need you,” I let out.
He pulls me down and rolls us to the center of the mattress, placing himself to fit between my arms, my legs. Every inch of my body attaches to him, not able to get close enough. I hear him kick his boots off, and my hands fumble their way down to his belt.
“You got me,” his scratchy voice whispers.
My skin is on fire beneath his lips, ignited and burning. We work together to maneuver his jeans down past his legs, until they join his boots on the floor. He pushes my babydoll tee up and out of the way, so his greedy mouth can latch to my ever sensitive crests. He sucks loudly, hungry for them. I squirm from the sensual torture, and move to wiggle myself from the sweat shorts I’m trapped in.
Clink moves to help, tearing at the fabric until they are down far enough for me to work myself free. His hands are kneading everywhere, my thighs, my hips, my ass. I close my eyes and feel them everywhere.
His teeth close around my nipple and I gasp, my eyes rolling back. My body arching into him, urging him on.
“There’s my little vixen,” he laughs into my skin. “I was wondering when she was gonna come out.”
I pull his head up from my breast. “Less wondering, more doing,” I implore.
He rips the t-shirt from over my head and moves to hover over me. My thighs spread for him, centered between them. His dick is growing hard, and my body begins to pulse, aching for it.
“Oh, I’m gonna do more, Sugar. So is my tongue…my cock, don’t you worry about that.”
And true to form, his tongue goes to work. From my lips, down the line of my neck, back to my tits where he takes turns loving each one, kneading them as they plump themselves for him, teasing my scorching nipples with the hardness and the roughness of his velvety coating.
I begin to thrash, succumbing
to him. His mouth moves south, leaving a glistening trail from under his lips. A trail that grows longer, inching closer to where he’s going to wreck me to pieces.
Once there, he moans deep, his voice echoing between my legs. My hands move wildly through his growing hair, now shaggy enough again to grab hold. I feel the wetness slicked between us as he glides around and around, his trained tongue slipping into every fold and branding me with its heat.
“My pussy…,” he hums into me, the vibration of his words tickling me. He throws my leg up to have more access, and continues his feast. “Say it!”
I push the breaths out, “Yours.”
His fingers join the party, slipping and pushing, so his mouth can focus on where it’s doing the most good. I bite my lip hard, holding my scream. The house isn’t ours alone anymore, and it’s torture trying to hold it in. I bite on my hand as the shocks explode one after the other. Clink pulls my hand free from my mouth, swiftly replacing it with his lips.
His dick plunges full force into the still convulsing wetness, thrusting through what’s left of my orgasm.
“That’s right, Sugar. Come around my cock, and know that it’s not the last time tonight.”
The panting helps to handle the raw pleasure he’s taking in pushing me to the point of insanity. And once I’m there, he pulls back, leaving me reeling. I gasp to catch my breath.
“You gonna ride my dick, baby, or am I gonna ride you?” He kisses my ear as he speaks into it, offering me a choice. I know his favorite. I know what he wants.
I lick my lips and sit up to my knees, our eyes level with each other. I reach down to stroke him, gliding over the remnants of myself on him.
“You’re gonna ride me. You’re gonna ride me long and hard, and after I make you lose your fucking mind, you’re gonna hold me all night long,” I threaten.
He swallows, eyes widening the tiniest bit. I know he loves it when I match him toe to toe.
“Yes, ma’am.”
