by Sabina Khan
Today Tanveer turned six. Every year on his birthday, Arif buys a goat to sacrifice in Tanveer’s name. Then he asks me to cook the curry. In the evening, his relatives will come and mother-in-law will brag about Tanveer’s cleverness to them. Zuby turned ten years old this summer. She is blossoming into a young woman. I was only two years older than she is now when I came into this house. Where have the years gone? I no longer recognize myself when I look in the mirror. Yesterday I saw Raju at the fish market. I don’t know if he saw me or if he would even recognize me. He looks stronger now, tall and well-muscled. He was wearing a lungi and a white shirt. When I am very sad sometimes, I think about him. He used to tell me he would marry me when we grew up. He would build a small house just for the two of us and our children. We would have a boy and a girl. The boy would be older so that he could protect his sister. He promised he would buy me a string of jasmine flowers every day to put in my hair. He knew I loved jasmine flowers.
So this was the mysterious Raju. I closed my eyes and tried to picture Nani with him, both just children when they were torn away from each other. Sadness engulfed me as I thought about how Nani must have longed for her Raju all those years when she was suffering. I wondered if they ever had a chance to meet again, and I was about to turn to the next diary entry when I heard the garbled sounds of an announcement for my flight. I couldn’t really make out most of what was being said, but from the sudden rustling of jackets and shuffling of bags, I gathered that our flight was ready to board.
Where the hell was Sohail?
I was grateful to have a window seat, especially on such a long flight. I looked out the window when the plane started to move. The lights of Dhaka became smaller and fainter until they disappeared entirely into the darkness.
I stood in the arrivals lounge at the Seattle airport looking for Irfan. The connection at LAX had been tight, but I’d still had enough time to grab some food before the final leg of my journey. Sleep deprived and with a pounding headache, I found a seat near baggage claim and slumped into it.
A few minutes later, Irfan and Sara found me. Sara had her arms open before she even got to me, which was a good thing because I fell into them. Irfan patted me awkwardly on the back while I tried valiantly to hold back tears of relief. I was finally home and safe.
“Did Sohail make it off to Chicago okay?” Irfan said.
I shook my head. “He never showed. I have no idea what happened.”
“Do you think they found out before he could leave?” Sara asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I haven’t had any missed calls or texts from him. There were so many voicemails from my parents, but I haven’t listened to any of them yet.”
“Okay, well, let’s get you home first,” Irfan said. He picked up my duffel bag and we walked outside. It was refreshing to inhale clean air after months of the smog-laden, humid kind. The traffic outside seemed so tame after the insanity of the roads in Bangladesh. But strangely enough, I missed the hustle and bustle of all the people on the streets, the colorful array of saris and the singsong of the vendors.
When we got to her place, Sara went into the kitchen and emerged a short while later with a bowl of grapes, some slices of watermelon, and a platter of cheese and crackers.
“I have to get back to work,” Irfan said after we’d eaten. “I’ll come by again this evening.”
“And I have to meet with my study group in a bit,” Sara said. “Rukhsana, will you be okay by yourself for a few hours? My parents are away for the week, but they left tons of food in the fridge, so please help yourself to whatever you want.”
“Thanks so much, you guys. I really appreciate you going to all this trouble for me,” I said.
“It’s no trouble at all,” Sara said. “Just get some rest and we’ll talk more when we get back.”
After they left, I sat down to check my voicemail.
There were dozens from Tanveer Mama’s number.
“Rukhsana, ammu, you’re taking a long time. People are starting to ask where you are.” That was the first one, close to eleven. Then a few more identical ones, urging me to hurry up.
“Rukhsana, where are you?” Mom’s stern voice had underlying tones of nervousness.
As I continued listening, I could hear Mom’s voice becoming more and more agitated.
One message was from Dad.
“Rukhsana, this is your father speaking. Please call us back immediately. I don’t know what you think you are doing, but you must come here right away.” This one was left just after midnight. By then they would have had no more doubts in their minds. They would have known I had run away.
Goose bumps erupted on my forearms and my stomach clenched. Even though they couldn’t do anything to me now, I still felt uneasy.
The next voicemail was from Shaila.
“Rukhsana, something terrible has happened. You have to call me immediately.” She sounded terrified and my hands went numb.
My fingers fumbled as I tried to call her back, and I had to try three times before I got it right.
“Rukhsana … oh my God … are you alright?” The panic in Shaila’s voice was clear and my stomach heaved.
“I’m okay, I just landed a little while ago. What happened?” A part of me didn’t want to know. Another part of me knew it was about Sohail.
“Rukhsana … I don’t know how to tell you. I’m so sorry. It was horrible. We thought you—”
“What are you trying to say?” I asked as calmly as I could.
“Sohail was attacked before the wedding. He’s dead.” She sobbed.
My blood turned cold.
Sohail’s charming and devilish smile flashed before my eyes. He couldn’t be dead.
“Are you sure?” My voice sounded small and thin. Maybe this was all a horrible mistake. Maybe my parents had put her up to it to punish me for running away.
“Yes.” More sobs. “I thought they had killed you too.” She could barely get the words out between her crying. “But then Aamir told me Sohail never made it to the airport.”
My eyes were completely dry. I felt no tears. In fact, I felt nothing at all. I was numb from head to toe. None of this was real. Sohail must have caught a later flight. Any minute now he would call me and apologize for worrying me. I would hear the happiness in his voice and he would tell me how great it was to finally be back with Mushtaq. But none of that happened. Instead, the only sound I could hear was Shaila crying.
“How did it happen?” I could barely recognize my own voice, cold and detached.
“I don’t think—”
“Please, Shaila, I need to know exactly what happened.”
“He was attacked by some guys near his office.” Shaila’s voice quavered.
“What did they do to him?”
“He was found covered in large gashes all over his body. The police think he was killed with a machete. So barbaric.”
Bile rose in my throat and I ran to the trash can before I vomited. I didn’t need to hear any more.
From the far recesses of my mind, I remembered. Sohail and I at a restaurant. A group of men staring at us. It had to have been them. What if we’d gone to the police that night instead of his office? Would he still be alive today?
I realized I had dropped the phone on the couch. I picked it back up, but the call had disconnected.
I felt empty inside, hollowed out. Then a terrible thought struck me. Mushtaq. He had to be going out of his mind with worry. No one would have even known to call him. I quickly scrolled through the contact list on my phone. Sohail had added Mushtaq’s number, just in case.
My palms were sweaty and there was a hard lump in my throat.
I put the phone down. I couldn’t do this. How could I tell him such awful news? I’d never even met him and now I was going to tell him the worst news of his life. But then I saw Sohail’s face in my mind again. That tender look whenever he spoke about Mushtaq. The way he looked off into the distance when he told me about their pl
ans for the future. I had to do this for him. I had to do this last thing for Sohail, my friend, my confidant.
I took a deep breath and made the call with shaky fingers.
He answered on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Mushtaq? This is Rukhsana, Sohail’s friend from Dhaka,” I said hesitantly.
A moment of silence.
“Rukhsana, it’s so nice to finally speak to you. Sohail’s told me so much about you. Actually, I’m so glad you called. I’m starting to worry. He should have been here by now.”
I held back a sob.
“Mushtaq.” I tried to keep my voice steady. “I’m afraid I have some bad news.”
The silence was deafening. I knew exactly what he was feeling, because I had felt it myself moments ago.
My heart twisted inside my chest. Time to rip off the Band-Aid.
“Mushtaq, there were some guys. They attacked him outside his office.”
“Oh my God. Where is he? I can catch the next available flight—”
“He’s dead, Mushtaq. They killed him.”
Silence.
“Mushtaq?”
“Is this some sort of cruel joke?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“Stop it. You’re lying.” His voice was cold and hard.
“Mushtaq, I’m so, so sorry.”
“Just stop talking. Look, I don’t even know you. You think this is funny?” His voice was starting to break and I knew realization was setting in.
“Mushtaq—”
“No, please don’t—”
He was sobbing now and my soul was dying. I wanted to reach out and hold him. To cry with him and try to make sense of this insanity. But all I could do was say his name over and over again while his heart broke thousands of miles away.
“I didn’t even get to say goodbye.” His voice quivered with tears and mine finally came. I could do nothing to stop them. I didn’t want to.
I tried to remember the last thing I said to Sohail, but I couldn’t remember a single word. What if we had decided to drive to the airport together? Or if he had left just a little bit earlier? I wondered why he had stopped at his office at all. Those guys must have followed us from the restaurant that night. That’s how they knew where he worked.
“I have to go now,” Mushtaq said. “Goodbye, Rukhsana.” Then he hung up.
My only connection to Sohail was gone.
“Rukhsana, wake up.” An insistent voice pierced through the thick haze of sleep. I ignored it, but it would not go away. Someone shook my shoulder and I jerked awake.
“Your mom is on the phone,” Sara said.
I was disoriented and groggy, and for a minute, I couldn’t remember where I was. But the awful memories came rushing back and I looked at Sara and shook my head.
“I don’t want to talk to her.” My voice was hoarse from crying.
Sara nodded and walked away. I could hear her say something to my mother, but I didn’t really care. The last thing I wanted to do right now was deal with my parents.
I sat up in bed but couldn’t muster the energy to actually stand up. My head was heavy and my eyes burned. Sara came back into the room.
“Rukhsana, can I get you anything? How about some breakfast? I could whip up an omelet.”
The mention of food made me gag.
“No, thanks. I don’t think I can eat anything.”
Sara sat on the edge of the bed and gently put her hand on my shoulder.
“I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through,” she said softly. “But I just want you to know you’re not alone. Irfan and I are here for you. Whatever you need, all you have to do is ask.”
I squeezed her hand.
“I know, Sara. But I don’t have the strength to feel it right now. I just can’t handle anything.”
“It’s okay, Rukhsana. Let us take care of things for you. If you don’t want to talk to your parents or anyone else, I’ll make up an excuse.” She put her arms around me and hugged me. “You take all the time you need.”
Her kindness made my eyes well up again. As soon as she left the room, I fell back into bed.
There was an empty darkness growing inside me. Then an awful thought hit me like a sledgehammer. If I had been with Sohail, they would have killed me too. There were a million different scenarios in which I could have been there that night. The thought paralyzed me.
A faint voice found me through the dismal abyss, growing louder, and eventually I was out of bed and dressed. Sohail would have never wanted me to give up this way.
I had to talk to my counselor at school to find out if there was any way I could make up the credits I missed and still go to Caltech in the fall. I was pretty sure I’d lost my scholarship, and for that alone I would never forgive my parents.
Sara and Irfan had left a note saying they would be back soon with some food. My stomach rumbled and I put a slice of bread in the toaster.
While I waited, I called Jen.
“Rukhsana, you’re back? Are you okay?” Her voice was shrill with excitement.
I realized that Jen had no idea who Sohail was, and I honestly didn’t know how to tell her. Or if I even wanted to. It was strange, but I didn’t want to share him. I didn’t want to have to explain him to anyone. Not even Ariana, if she was ever going to speak to me again. It struck me that I hadn’t thought about her at all since I got the call about Sohail. But now memories of her came flooding back. I wanted to hold her and I wanted to bury my head in her lap and cry. But I needed to keep it together and just get through today.
“I’ve been better,” I said. “I got back last night, but I was too tired to call.”
“I can’t believe you’re back. Hey, are you at home? I could come over right now. I’m dying to see you.”
I looked at my phone. It was one thirty on a Friday afternoon.
“How come you’re not at school?”
“I had a free period in last block, so I just came home to study for my chem final on Monday.”
A wave of sadness washed over me. Jen and I had been in chemistry together all semester. We should have been studying together, cramming during late-night sessions. Now I wasn’t even sure if I could graduate. I’d missed so many weeks, the only option left was summer school. Once again, rage shot through me. My parents had done this.
“I’m actually at Sara’s place.”
“Who’s Sara? Is that the girl who’s dating that Irfan guy?”
“That’s the one. Hey, Jen, would you mind giving me a ride to school?”
“Of course. I’ll be right over. And then maybe we could go for lunch?”
My spirits lifted. Maybe it was the enthusiasm in Jen’s voice or the fact that I was doing something as normal as going to school with my friend. Either way I felt better.
“I cannot believe you’re back,” Jen squealed a short while later as she got out of her car to give me a tight hug.
“You have no idea,” I said as I returned the hug with fervor.
“Okay, so once we’re there, you go do whatever it is you have to do at school and I’ll hang out and wait for you. But then you have to tell me everything.” Her brown eyes shone with excitement and I felt much better just being around her.
“That sounds great. I just have to talk to Mr. Jacobs about my classes. Hopefully it won’t take long.”
“I’ll text Rachel and see if she’ll be done with her exam by then.”
Spending the afternoon with my two oldest friends was exactly what I needed. But there was something I had to ask first.
“Have you talked to Ariana recently?” I had no idea how much Jen knew, but I assumed she was aware that we’d broken up.
“I did, just a couple of days ago,” Jen said, keeping her eyes on the road. “You know, she was in really bad shape. She told me what you said.”
We stopped at a red light and Jen looked at me. Was that disapproval in her eyes?
“Jen, things were really bad ove
r there for me too. You have no idea what it was like.”
The light turned green and Jen turned her eyes back to the road again.
“Ariana told us. But what I don’t understand is why you would do something like that.”
“Look, Jen, I know it all sounds strange to you, but it’s not that easy for me. You’ve always known what my parents are like. And when they caught Ariana and me, everything just went batshit.”
“I’m not saying it’s your fault. It’s just that maybe you could have handled it a bit differently.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. In hindsight, I wished I’d handled it differently too. But I wasn’t sure if there was a nice way to break somebody’s heart.
“I know. You’re right. Do you think she’ll want to talk to me?” I needed to help her understand why I did what I did. Maybe then, there would still be a chance for us to be together.
“She was a wreck after you broke up with her. But I can talk to her and see how she feels.”
My heart plummeted.
“I’ve ruined everything, haven’t I?”
Jen pulled into the parking lot at school, turned off the car, and faced me.
“I know things are awful right now. But it’ll be okay, I promise. I’ll talk to Ariana tonight. You know she still loves you. But you broke her heart, so give her some time.”
I nodded. “Thanks. I guess I’ll just have to be patient.”
I got out of the car and went in to find my counselor.
Mr. Jacobs was surprised to see me but took me into his office right away.
I told him a tamed-down version of what had happened. I’d emailed him before we left, but now as he listened to me, he was visibly surprised.
“Rukhsana, I can’t imagine how difficult this all must have been for you,” he said, his voice filled with concern. “Look, I can contact the authorities if you would like me to. They can help.”
I shook my head. “No, Mr. Jacobs, that won’t be necessary. I’m dealing with it in my own way. What I’m more concerned with right now is what’s going to happen with my graduation. I mean, I missed so much, and now I won’t be able to go to Caltech in the fall. And I lost my scholarship.”
