“It sounded as if you knew what you were doing. I’ve never heard that song before. Who’s it by?”
“Me,” I admitted.
“You wrote it?” His surprise was evident. “It was beautiful.”
Standing across the room, I didn’t know if I wanted to run away or move closer to him. I took a compulsive step towards him and felt a confidence in my action, a certainty that my future had just become undetermined.
He retreated a step, a vaguely confused look on his face and I forced my legs to stop carrying me forwards and tried to think of what to say. My heart beat so loudly, I could barely hear my own thoughts. My skin tingled, as if a cool breeze had blown through the room.
“I’m Tristan.” The corner of his mouth tipped up. “We met the other day on the hike. Well, we would have met here before then, but you took off like I had some kind of contagious disease.”
He had eyes that crinkled at the corner even as I watched, eyes that laughed as I stood there completely mute. His smile broke through as he said, “I think this is where you tell me your name, you know, just in case I forgot it.”
“Oh, right, sorry.”
Dang his eyes were amazing. One of his eyebrows cocked, giving him a slightly devilish look. He was waiting for me to speak.
“Janie,” I said, barely resisting the urge to smack my forehead. “I didn’t mean to disturb anyone. I’ll go.”
I walked a wide berth around him, knowing if I got too close, I might not be able to keep myself from reaching out to touch him. I was almost at the door when he spoke again.
“I’ve never heard anyone play that thing,” he said. I glanced over my shoulder at him. He smiled again and the tingles covering my body intensified. “It was nice to hear. See you around, Janie.”
By the time I hit the exit, I was at a dead run. I didn’t wait for Justin. Being home, safe in my room, safe from the emotions tumbling out of control inside of me was the only thing I could think about. I was out of breath by the time I reached the house. I slowed as I noticed a gray and white cat lying curled on the hood of Tim’s car, watching my frantic rush up the steps. I couldn’t face Tim right now. As soon as he saw me, he’d know something was wrong. Tim was someone you didn’t want worrying. He tended to go a little over board once his parental instincts kicked in.
Edging the door open just enough to squeeze through, I stopped it just before it hit the point of its telltale squeak then pressed it closed behind me, keeping the knob turned to avoid the click of the lock. The carpet muffled my footsteps and I made it to my room unnoticed. Once inside, I sprawled across the bed, staring at the ceiling. The popcorn texture glittered faintly from the sunlight streaming through the window, a starry night in the middle of the day.
I groaned and flipped over onto my stomach. Idiot. The events of the afternoon ran through my mind like a movie. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly, wishing that I could block the images of how I’d acted like a complete fool. Mentally replaying the events, I envisioned the ways I wish I’d acted. I would have been cool and flirty. I’d have been just like Rachel.
But that wasn’t me. I was forever the girl who ran away from everything she wanted, too scared to even try. I hated that part of me. What did it say about me if I couldn’t stand the person I was? What did it say that my own parents didn’t love me?
How pathetic was I? How pathetic was it that I moped about being pathetic? It was a vicious cycle that I hated more with every passing moment.
Tim loved me. He’d stayed. He’d done more than that. He’d adopted me and tried to put the shattered pieces of my life together. Justin did too, even if he did have a wicked vindictive streak. I couldn’t really complain about that since I had a feeling he may have learned it from me.
I always thought alone meant I’d never experience pain. Anytime we were injured, Tim would bandage us up and say that pain is good, because it reminds you that you’re alive. Suddenly I wanted to feel that pain, to know that my life wasn’t over just because my dad was a deadbeat, my mom had been a complete failure, or that I’d had all hope and happiness beaten out of me. I didn’t have to be the silent girl that roamed through life that thought I was hidden and safe, but really meant I was alone.
Yeah, life’s a bitch, but who said I had to take it lying down?
Chapter 5
I wasn’t sure where to start, but I wasn’t going to go on the way I had been. Hiding from life wasn’t working.
“Janie? Can I come in?” Justin called from out in the hall. Once he would have just barged in but ever since the day he caught me in the middle of changing, he’d taken to yelling through the door.
“Yeah.”
He opened it half way and poked his head inside, trying to gauge my mood. “You okay? When you didn’t show at the car, I spent a half hour looking for you. You know Tristan, right? He said he saw you at the library and that you were heading home.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t feeling well and I needed some space to think.”
“About what?”
I didn’t know what to tell him. The Janie of an hour ago would have said ‘stuff’ and then ended the conversation, but I needed to be the new me, the one not afraid of what people would do or say that might hurt me.
“Come on.” He sat beside me on the bed and nudged me with his elbow. “I know I was a bit of an ass forcing you into that bet, but I just want you to be happy, to have a life. You know you can tell me anything. So, what’s going on?”
He was right. As annoying as he was, he was always there for me. I straightened and inhaled slowly. Telling him the truth was that first little step.
“I needed to do some thinking about me. About the fact that I don’t really like the person I am.” I felt tears unexpectedly welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. I wasn’t sad or hurt, but they wouldn’t stop. They were more of a release than anything.
“Janie, you’re a good person.” He awkwardly tried to put his arm around my shoulder, comforting me as only a brother could.
“But not… enough.” How could I explain this? “You know that Elin and I had problems, right?”
He nodded, his face grim, but he didn’t really have any clue how bad things had been. I hesitated, wondering if I how much to tell him.
“Before you and Tim came along, I spent every minute of every day trying to figure out what to say, to do, so that she wouldn’t have a reason to beat the shit out of me.” My words drained the blood from his face, but I forced myself to keep going. “When Tim married her, it was the greatest day of my life. She couldn’t hit me anymore without one of you noticing.” At least her words hadn’t left me varying shades of purple and blue.
“God, I knew you had it rough with her, but I didn’t know it was that bad.” His arm tightened around me protectively, as though he was preparing to battle her.
“I know you didn’t. She hid it well. And I survived.” I smiled weakly, “But what it did to me… I’ve been so scared. Afraid of everyone or anything that could hurt me. I never wanted to feel so helpless again.” I shrugged and wiped my face with the back of my hand. “Today just brought everything into perspective.”
“What made you think about all this?”
“I made a complete fool of myself and realized how truly pathetic I was being.” I laughed self-consciously as I remembered the way I acted in the library then drew in a deep breath. It was as though I was finally free to move into the world. “I don’t really like me, so I’ve decided that I need a change.”
“Change? Like a hair cut?” He raised a doubtful brow.
“Maybe, but more of a change in attitude. I need to be less Janie-ish and more Justin-ish.” I poked him in the ribs to break his seriousness. “Nothing drastic, maybe a bit friendlier.”
“Just don’t change too much. I like my sister just the way she is.” He smiled and gave my shoulder another squeeze. “But if you’re wanting to be generous and let me off the hook with the whole chauffeur thing...”
“Yeah, I don’
t see that happening.”
His smile turned sheepish and he gave a one-shoulder shrug. He got up and headed towards the door. “You gonna tell dad about all this?”
“Not yet. I think I want to try it out first.”
He nodded in agreement. Tim would just worry if I said anything. If I went ahead and just did it, he probably wouldn’t even notice since he was so involved in his latest photography series.
After Justin left, I laid back on the bed. I needed to revamp myself. Justin had asked if that meant a new haircut, but I didn’t think that was necessary. My long black hair was one thing I already liked about myself. Maybe a wardrobe overhaul was the best place to start. A shopping trip would do me good, and even better, it could be Justin’s first official chauffeuring job. Maybe I’d even see if Rachel wanted to go along.
Eventually my mind drifted to Tristan. I was definitely attracted to him. Who wouldn’t be? But my overreaction was disturbing. I’d never responded to a guy like that and I’d seen a lot of hot guys before. I wanted to be brave enough to talk to him, but approaching a guy I liked was on a totally different level than saying hi to a couple of Justin’s friends. And as much as I wanted to change and become this outgoing, non-Janie person, I already doubted whether I could force myself out of my shell.
Sleep when it came was a restless, dreamless pattern broken all too soon by the beeping of my alarm clock. I pressed the snooze button, as though that would help, and then the memory of my decision hit me. Today I was supposed to be the new Janie. Could I actually do it? My mom’s husky voice whispered, no.
The idea of leaving my room and throwing myself at the mercy of a bunch of teenagers paralyzed me. Yet, part of me pushed and shoved to get up and face the world with a sense of eagerness. A short rap on the door took the choice from me.
“What?” I asked grouchily, pulling the covers up over my head.
“Morning.” Justin popped his head in, grinning from ear to ear.
“What do you want?”
“Just want to see the new you.” He went over and pulled the curtains open. Thankfully, the blanket blocked most of the light. “Hey, if you’re a changed person shouldn’t you be a bit less grouchy in the mornings?”
“Ha ha. I never said anything about being nice in the morning. I don’t think there’s anything that could cause me to change that much.”
“Well, you better get your butt moving ’cause I gotta be at the gym early today and it’s pissing rain outside. So, unless you wanna walk to the library…”
“Ugh. Okay, get out.” I threw the pillow at his back. Despite my longing to stay in bed permanently, I propelled myself towards the bathroom.
Twenty minutes later, I had pulled on a pair of jeans and yanked a red tank top from the closet. Well, at least it wasn’t my standard grey or black. I pulled it on before I could change my mind and layered it with a cardigan, forgoing my dark hoodie. Outside a car door slammed and I knew Justin would take off without me if I didn’t hustle. I ran down the hall and yelled, “Morning! Bye!” to Tim in the kitchen. The door slammed shut behind me and I managed to get in the car just as Justin was shifting gears.
“Gee, thanks for waiting.” I wiped my hand across my rain-splattered face then flicked the drops of water at Justin.
“No, prob,” he smirked, ducking the spray of water and then checked out my appearance from the corner of his eye.
“So, how do I look?”
“Um… nice? Normal, I guess.” Obviously, I’d asked one of those questions guys seemed to know was a trick, and he was trying to think of a response that wasn’t going to set me off. “Well, normal for a girl, not normal for you.”
“Thanks…I think.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, and I hope you’re right. Normal is definitely good.” I stared out the window and thought about that word normal. I wasn’t even sure I could act normal.
Justin pulled up to the front of the library and practically kicked me out of the car. I dashed for the door using my bag to cover my head, making it inside without getting drenched and only minimal frizz to my hair.
It was still early and the building was deserted, not that it would be any busier later on. This wasn’t exactly the best spot to start changing myself. This was the old Janie’s hiding place. I leaned against one of the windows, pressing my forehead to the cool pane.
You stupid girl.
It was raining. If I went out in it, I’d be soaked to the skin before I got anywhere.
You’re worthless.
It was too early. No one would be up, at least not anyone close to my age.
Even your father couldn’t stand you.
The soft pitter-pattering of Ms. Markov intruded on my thoughts. I turned to greet her, a smile on my face. She looked a little less like a Swedish ice queen today.
“Good morning, dear.”
I smiled in return. Was I really going to spend my summer talking with her? Did I really want the sum of my vacation to be a few exchanged words with a lady old enough to be my grandmother? Maybe it wouldn’t be so sad if the words we shared carried any value, but ‘good morning’ and ‘just put the books right over there’ didn’t seem to hold much depth.
“I hear you were playing the piano yesterday.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I guess I should have asked first.” I didn’t need a pissed librarian, not when she was the one soul I could count on to be open to me seven days a week.
“No, that’s quite alright, dear. I just wish I’d been able to hear you. Tristan said you were very good.”
Heat filled my face. “Thanks.”
“It’s been almost eighteen years since someone has played that piano. I’m surprised it was still in tune, though I’m sure Mr. Miles tinkers with it. Will you be playing today? I’d love to come and hear you.”
“Um...no, I’m actually just waiting for the rain to stop.” As freeing as it was yesterday, I had no desire to play again. The memories it stirred weren’t worth it. Ms. Markov’s face drooped and guilt crept into me, but I quickly squashed it. I needed to focus on being free from Elin, not on dredging her up.
“Then I guess you better be off,” she said, shuffling past me. I glanced out the window, surprised to see the pouring rain had stopped and despite the heavy clouds still lingering, the sun was beginning to peak through.
No excuses. No more delays. I went out the double doors and dragged my feet through the pockets of water puddled on the sidewalk. Rounding the corner, I came to a stop. Only five feet from me, at the entrance to Trail’s End, were Rachel and Tristan with a group of friends. My stomach dropped then rose suddenly, lifted by the wings of thousands of butterflies.
I forced my feet forward, watching with some degree of relief as some of them moved inside, leaving only Rachel, Tristan, and two other guys at the door. Despite the urge to turn and run, I kept moving toward them. I came up behind Tristan.
He looked taller and bigger today. His shoulders were broad and the green t-shirt he wore seemed to be made to show off the muscles underneath. My skin tingled and I swallowed nervously. I took a deep breath and filled my lungs with his scent. God, he smelled good. Woodsy and natural, like freedom from my fears. I didn’t bother attempting a smile. I didn’t think I could form one. I forced my mouth to open.
“Hi.”
Chapter 6
Tristan turned towards me and in those few seconds I waited I realized that all the time I’d spent hiding, I hadn’t been happy. But at this moment, staring into Tristan’s eyes the need to feel something more built in me. I wanted to confront the torture that is life.
“So, am I forgiven?” Tristan asked.
“Forgiven?” Had I missed something?
“Well, when you tore out of the library yesterday I figured I’d done something to offend you again.” His eyes were sparkling, making it hard for me to hear what he was saying. He blinked and the moment’s reprieve allowed me to think again.
“Umm, yes. No.” What
was I saying? I shook my head, striving to clear my thoughts. “I mean, you didn’t do anything. I just wasn’t feeling well.”
“Ah.” One side of his mouth curled up into a smile. “Since you’re not upset with me then-”
“Hi, Janie.” Until she interrupted, I’d completely forgotten Rachel was there.
“Hey, Rachel.”
“So, you two know each other?” she asked. Was that a hint of jealousy in her voice? I mentally shook the thought off. What would she have to be jealous of?
“Just from the hike and the library of course,” Tristan said when I just stood there like an idiot, still staring at him.
His eyes twinkled and I knew he was laughing at me. Blushing, I dipped my head. Get a grip! He’s just a guy! I straightened my shoulders and lifted my eyes, refusing to slide back into that old Janie.
“The library?” Rachel’s eyebrows shot up. “I didn’t even know you liked to read, Tristan.” She reached out and brushed her hand along his arm.
Fire burned inside of me and I wanted to snatch her fingers away. Instead, I pushed my hands deep into my jean pockets.
“I went to pick up some DVDs,” he said.
Her hand dropped. Did I imagine he shifted away from her?
“Bummer, right?” Relief filled Rachel’s voice. She smiled at me again. “There’s no rental store in town and the Internet speed is so slow you can’t even stream anything.”
“We’re gonna grab something to eat. You wanna join us?” Tristan asked, glancing down at me.
“Um, yeah sure.” This was part of becoming a new person, right? I followed Rachel in as Tristan held the door for us.
“Guys, you remember Janie? This is Seth and Kyle,” Rachel reintroduced me to the others as I slid into the booth beside her. Tristan sat across from me with Seth and Kyle. I didn’t know what to say, so I just listened to the four of them talk.
I glanced at Tristan. He seemed focused on the conversation, but there were fleeting moments where our eyes met and it felt like a million feathers tickling along the surface of my skin. Everything within me called out for me to touch him. To just reach over the table and link my fingers with his. I gripped my cutlery until my knuckles paled to a startling white. What was it about him that made me so obsessed? I definitely had to get a grip because no way was this a healthy reaction.
Waken (The Woods of Everod Book 1) Page 4
