by Hanna Peach
9
The next day I stayed out of the garden. I explored the rest of the mansion instead. There were lots of sitting rooms. Apparently rich people sat around a lot. I repressed a shudder as I peered into yet another large, overly-dressed room. How could Mr. Blackwell stand to live here?
There was also a library, a ballroom, a spa with treatment rooms and a sauna, and a twelve-seat cinema. Did Drake even use any of these rooms? When was he ever home to use any of it?
That night I was returning back up the stairs after dinner alone; Drake had to work late. As I reached the top of the stairs my eyes fell upon the darkened west wing. It was the only place in this manor I hadn’t explored.
The top floor is the family residences. No one lives in the west wing. Not anymore.
Drake found his mother dead in her bedroom.
Would it hurt if I just…looked? I glanced around, but I couldn’t see anyone. I walked quickly into the dim hallway, my heart beating faster in my chest. What would I find?
Discovering the first door was unlocked, I pushed it open and slipped inside.
The room was large and dim, dust motes floating in the only strip of light streaming between the dark drapes drawn across the windows. I didn’t dare turn on any lights. I waited a moment for my eyes to adjust. Slowly the darkness receded.
The room was empty of any furniture. I moved through this room to the next and the next in this apartment − all these rooms were empty.
I stood in what I assumed would have been the bedroom. From the dark green wallpaper and black fireplace I guessed that this may have been Mr. Blackwell Senior’s bedroom. Judging from the thickness of the layer of dust on the fireplace mantle, it was clear these rooms had not been used in a long time.
I exited this apartment and made my way to the second door. This time my footsteps were surer. My heartbeat had resumed a steady pace as I slipped inside.
The rooms in this apartment were also empty. I stood just inside the bedroom, the walls a pastel yellow and cream, and I let out a long breath. It wasn’t terrifying at all. Just another empty room.
I didn’t know what I was expecting. A large cupboard with a skeleton in it? A glaring clue to the answer of whether Mrs. Blackwell and Mr. Blackwell were murdered that somehow everyone else missed? Perhaps I had been reading too many novels.
Perhaps I needed a hobby.
“What are you doing here?” Someone grabbed my arm and I let out a scream.
Drake glared at me.
“You’re home,” I said.
“I just got home. Imagine my surprise when I spot my wife sneaking into this room.” His eyes narrowed. “I suppose someone on my staff has been talking to you, have they?”
“Talking to me?” I feigned ignorance. “About what?”
“Don’t play dumb. Why else would you be in here snooping?”
“I’m not snooping, I swear. I spent the day exploring the mansion. The west wing was the only area I hadn’t explored yet.”
“No one is to go in here.”
“I didn’t know. Sasha just said that no one lived in the west wing anymore.”
“What else did Sasha say?” he growled.
“Nothing. She didn’t tell me not to come here.”
“She should have.”
“She didn’t, I swear. I’m sorry, Drake. I didn’t know I was doing anything wrong.”
He seemed to believe me, his shoulders loosening. He led me back through the rooms. “Don’t come in here again.”
“What happened here?” I asked, giving him a chance to tell me himself.
“What makes you think something happened here?”
“The way you’re acting…it’s a natural assumption.”
He was silent as we walked out from the last room into the hallway. “Nothing happened. These used to be my parents’ bedrooms. Now they’re both dead. That’s all.” He closed the door behind us.
My heart sank. My husband was lying to me. He wasn’t going to let me in.
Would he ever?
10
I was going to see the ocean today.
Drake promised he would be home early and we would drive to the small inlet along the coast that he told me about. I was finally going to get out of this stuffy mansion. Thank God, I was about to go mad.
The last few days had simply dragged, all of them dull, watery half-dreams that I had to wade through before I reached this bright purposeful day.
I had avoided the garden, and as a consequence, the enticing bright sunshine, where I would risk running into Keir. Instead I distracted myself from my growing malaise in the shadows of this building with books or by sitting in the flickering images of the dark cinema.
At night Drake came to me in my bedroom. He would strip me and we’d have sex. Sometimes twice. Sex had stopped being painful for me. It could still be uncomfortable at times and at certain angles − like when Drake lifted my knees up against my chest − but I just sucked in my bottom lip and rode it out.
Sometimes, like when I was on top, I could feel a low pleasure simmering inside me, but then Drake would come and the sex was over before it could become anything. I almost understood why some women loved sex.
Afterwards we would talk, always about his business and his work. Then he would leave me to sleep with a kiss on my forehead. He was always gone before I rose for breakfast.
I could be happy here. I was sure I could.
I didn’t have any worries here. I didn’t need to work. All my basic needs were met. I was surrounded by beautiful furniture and wore beautiful clothes…
But I needed to let go of my old life. I was certain it was the pangs of homesickness that stopped me from fully enjoying my new life here.
Once I let go of my old life…what would I make of my new life here moving forward? Maybe I could start a hobby. I could learn to paint or play piano or even take up sewing again. Maybe I could study something or carve out a career for myself? The possibilities stretched endlessly in front of me like a wide horizon, exhilarating and terrifying in its vast emptiness, waiting to be filled.
Today I was so damn excited, I had flung half my wardrobe across my room, trying to decide on the perfect outfit to wear.
A gown? Too dressy.
Shorts and a shirt? Too casual.
Finally, I settled on a pale blue Akris Punto dress that flared to my knees. I paired it with a simple pair of cream ballet flats. I was ready. Now to wait for Drake.
I was combing my hair for the second time when a knock sounded on my door. He was here! I dropped the brush and ran to the door, throwing it open wide.
It wasn’t Drake. It was Loretta, standing there with a box tucked under her arm.
Never mind, Drake would be here soon. He wasn’t due for another ten minutes. Patience, Noriko, I told myself.
“Good morning,” she said, looking a little startled.
“Wonderful morning, Loretta,” I gushed and stepped aside for her to come in.
“You’re certainly in a good mood.”
“I am.”
“And I have something that will make you feel even better. Master Blackwell has sent something here for you.”
I froze. “He sent something?” Why wasn’t he here himself?
I had a sinking feeling as Loretta held out the velvet royal blue box. It was just a bit wider and thicker than a book.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Open it.”
I took the box from her. It was light, but it felt like it weighed down my hands. I sat on the chaise in my room − something told me I needed to sit down for this − placed it on my lap and cracked open the lid.
“A necklace,” I said, as everything in me went dead.
It was a large, gaudy thing laden down with, “Blue diamonds the color of the sea,” the note from Drake read. “Something urgent came up. I’ll take you out next time. I know you’ll understand.”
I dropped the note and clutched the necklace in my other fist. Loretta faw
ned and fussed over me. “Isn’t it just gorgeous!” she cooed. “And real blue diamonds. Good heavens. That would have cost a pretty penny. You’re a very lucky girl.”
Lucky. Was I?
I stared at the sparkling thing in my hands. These diamonds weren’t even the color of the ocean. I had seen the ocean. It was deep and vibrant and real. This expensive bauble was just a pale ghostly blue, a cheap imitation.
“Well go on,” she said. “Put it on.”
“Maybe later.” I dropped the thing on the table next to me and threw the box on top of it. I couldn’t stand to look at it any longer. What I wanted to do was throw it against the wall and watch it break.
“You ungrateful child,” Loretta said. She snatched up the necklace from the table and placed it back in its box. She walked over to my dresser and slid my unwanted gift onto the flat surface. “If Master Blackwell hears about this…”
How would Drake react if he heard my reaction to his gift? Maybe he should hear about it. Maybe then he’d understand that I didn’t give a crap about diamonds or overpriced dresses. Maybe then he’d realize what it was that I really wanted.
“Go on,” I said. “Tell him.”
Loretta straightened up to her full height, her face cinched in disapproval. “Young lady, if Master Drake heard about your behavior just now it would break his poor heart. I won’t tell him. You’re lucky I don’t think it’s right to tell him.”
She strode to my bedroom door before spinning to face me once more. She wasn’t done yet. “He’s more generous to you than you deserve. I suggest you take a good hard, long look at yourself and adjust your attitude.” She gave me one more self-satisfied nod of her head and slammed the door behind her.
Tears pricked at my eyes. Was I just an ungrateful child? Should I care more for diamonds than promises made to me by my husband, promises that meant something to me? Was I being so unreasonable?
Everything in this cold and impersonal bedroom seemed to glare at me. I couldn’t stay in here any longer.
* * *
I knew what I was risking as I ran through the gardens, everything Keir helped coax into life flashing past me in a blur of green and pastel like a Monet painting.
But I didn’t care. This act of mine wasn’t about Keir.
Or maybe in some way it was. Maybe, deep down, I ran into his territory on purpose. This act of mine, crossing the border from Drake’s mansion into his gardens, was an act of rebellion.
I wasn’t even sure where I was running to, but when I saw Mrs. Blackwell’s birdhouse looming in front of me, I knew that was where I wanted to go.
The instant I pushed through the plastic dividers into the misty tropical paradise I felt my lungs release and I slowed to a walk. I didn’t sit on the green bench; I felt too exposed there. I passed it and pushed farther into the center of my sanctuary.
I found a flat rock and sank onto it, the cool stone a slight shock but a welcome opposite to the humid air. The bushes and trees were so thick I couldn’t see the edges of the cage. Above my head ruby tropical flowers dripped from branches like real jewels. I could almost believe that I was far, far away from the confines of Blackwell Manor.
Only now did I let myself curse why I came to be here. I let myself miss my mother. I let myself miss my sisters. I would trade all the blue diamonds and white diamonds and all the colored diamonds in the world to be adorned by their arms around my neck again and glittering from their precious love.
I couldn’t bring myself to miss my father. Not yet. It would be too much right now.
My sobs joined the birds in their sharp melodic calling as I buried my face in my hands. If only…
“Noriko?”
I looked up. Keir was staring at me from behind a set of palm fronds he held aside, his exquisitely sculpted face marred with concern. I should have been surprised at his appearance, but I wasn’t. In a way I…expected this. Wanted it. Orchestrated it by being here.
I wiped under my eyes and my fingers came away with tears and mascara mixed like watercolor paint. “Go on,” I said as I lifted my eyes to him again, “laugh.”
His mouth dropped open. “Why would I laugh?”
“You seem to enjoy being horrible to me. I’ve just handed you this opportunity on a platter.”
“I…” he swallowed, “I don’t mean… I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway. Nothing you say to me now could possibly hurt me anymore.”
His face twisted. He stepped forward, one of the palm fronds snapping against the tension in his hands. “What did he do to you?”
“Why do you assume…” I trailed off. I didn’t have the energy to make excuses for Drake. “Yes, you’re right. Drake hurt me. But he didn’t hit me,” I added quickly when I saw Keir’s mouth curl and something cold flash in his eyes.
“Sometimes the things that hurt most aren’t physical.”
I didn’t answer.
Keir stepped all the way through to this small clearing and paused. “What did he do?”
“He… You’re going to think it’s stupid.”
“I won’t.”
“You will.”
His eyes flicked to the small space beside me on this rock. But he didn’t move. “Give me a chance to show you I won’t.”
“Give you a chance?”
“I know I probably don’t deserve it after how I’ve acted.” His took the last step between us and sat himself next to me. I forced my eyes to remain forward, staring at the broken palm frond on the ground, even as I felt his gaze heating my face. “Hime, you can tell me.”
My eyelashes fluttered shut. It was his use of my old nickname hime that got me. Or maybe it was his proximity. Keir was so close to me that the sides of our shoulders were touching. From the place where we met scattered all these different things through my body like a tipped-over toy box: tingles, sparks, waves, and a low heat. I had to concentrate if I was going to make any sense.
I opened my eyes when I thought I had a handle on myself. “I told you I used to live in a village on the eastern shores of Hokkaido. I’ve only ever faced the east where I lived, not the west like now.” He watched me so intently, catching my every word like they were gemstones. Once I started talking I couldn’t stop. I wanted to tell him everything. “I’ve only ever seen the sun rising over the ocean, never the sunset. I just thought if I could watch the sun set here…I don’t know how to explain it to you.”
He nodded. “I think I get it.”
I doubted it. “What do you think you get?”
“If you watch the sun set over the sea here…it would be like a goodbye to the life you had. A kind of closing ceremony. You could close that chapter. You would really be here. You could really start your life here. It’s…symbolic. A kind of ritual. We need rituals. They help us move on.”
I stared at him, stunned. He had managed to see inside me with the eyes of an artist and paint into words something I could not. I thought I was alone here. I thought no one could understand me here. I was wrong. This was a gift. A most precious jewel. My eyes watered, but this time it wasn’t from sadness.
“Oh shit,” he said. “What did I say? Please don’t cry again.”
I laughed as a tear escaped me and rolled down my cheek. The confusion was clear in his eyes.
I waved my hand in front of my face. “I just…” I wasn’t ready to tell him how my world just shifted. I wasn’t ready to tell him what his understanding of me meant to me. “Never mind. I’m not crying because of you.”
Keir nodded. He seemed to accept my vague explanation, or perhaps he realized I didn’t wanted to explain right now. “So what happened with Drake?”
“A few days ago I asked him if I could watch the sun set over the ocean. He wouldn’t let me go by myself, but he said we could go when he took me. He promised that he would finish work early today and take me. He promised…”
“But he didn’t.”
“Ten minutes before we were supposed to go he sent a stupid
sorry note with a stupid fancy necklace in his place.” It should feel wrong to confess this hurt inflicted by my husband to a man who wasn’t, but it didn’t. I crushed the tiny flutter of guilt before it could grow.
“What an ass− I mean, what an idiot.”
“Asshole. You can say it.” Fresh tears blurred my vision and soaked into my cheeks.
He sighed. “Oh, Noriko, I’m so sorry.” I felt his hand slip, unsure at first, around my shoulder. His voice rushed through my hair. “It’s painful when the people who are supposed to love you, don’t love you the way you need them to.”
He knew. He understood.
It should be Drake out here comforting me and knowing exactly how to read me and what to say and how to touch me. The only person who understood me in this strange new country was the wrong person.
Or maybe he was the right one.
I needed Keir. I couldn’t help myself. I leaned right into him and rested my head in the crook of his neck. His movements were surer now as he curled his fingers around my shoulder and pulled me in closer.
I was a moth. Keir was my flame, something fiery and beautiful but that would burn me if I got too close. I knew this, but still I couldn’t help but draw ever closer. Our legs pressed right up against each other. I felt the strength in his solid thigh muscles. Inside I was tumbling and spinning. I felt hot. Dizzy. To stop from falling I clutched at his shirt with my hand. I thought I felt his lips brushing against my forehead.
What if Drake saw us now? We weren’t doing anything, but the intention behind our touches, the way our bodies folded into each other… I felt more intimacy in that moment just sitting next to Keir than I ever felt being naked with Drake.
It was this intimacy, laced into every touch or look between Keir and me, which made it so wrong. I should only feel these things with my husband. I didn’t need lessons on how to be a good wife to know that.
The thought of my husband sent a shot of guilt through my stomach, making me flinch. Keir must have felt it because he pulled away, his arm dropping from my shoulder.
