by Hanna Peach
“Slow down,” Drake said, “you’ll create too much froth if you pour it too fast.”
Keir flinched and uprighted the champagne bottle in his hand. There was a terse second where the air between us all seemed to snap tight like a wire.
Please don’t do anything stupid, Keir. Please.
“I’m afraid I’ve never had the pleasure of pouring champagne, sir,” Keir said, each word clipped. “For myself or otherwise.”
He began to pour the champagne again, this time slower. His cheeks had gone a shade of red. I knew he hated this as much as I did. I was desperate to touch him, to comfort him or even just to give him a look to let him know that I hated what Drake was making him do. But I could make no show of concern towards him.
“There you go, Mrs. Blackwell.” He handed me a champagne flute of bubbling liquid, averting his eyes to the ground as he did.
“Thank you,” I said softly. Our fingers brushed when I took the flute. Sparks flew through my hand and I almost dropped the glass. I looked up just as he glanced up too, the air between us simmering. I was all too aware of Drake watching us both, so I quickly looked away.
“And for you, sir,” I heard Keir say to Drake.
He didn’t even say thank you. “Come here, Riko. Let’s have a toast.”
I shuffled a little closer to Drake on the bench. He threw his arm around me and clinked his glass on mine. “To us.”
“To us,” I choked out.
I drank the whole glass down in one go. The flute had barely left my lips when Drake planted his mouth on mine. I turned my head, my cheeks flaming.
“Drake,” I near-whispered, “not in front of the staff.”
“Oh, come on. I’m sure the boy has seen a husband and wife kiss before. Perhaps he’s even been lucky enough to have won a kiss or two in his time.”
Drake held my chin and kissed me again. This time I couldn’t pull away. I had to kiss Drake back or he would think something was wrong. The man I loved had to watch as I kissed another man. I wanted to die. From the pain that speared my heart, I thought I might. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. But fate wasn’t that merciful today.
Finally Drake pulled away.
“Will that be all?” Keir said, his voice squeezing out from between his teeth. I felt the rage rolling off of him. His hands were gnarled knots by his side.
“For now,” Drake said. “But you can wait around just in case I want you for anything.”
By the terse look on Keir’s face I knew the last thing he wanted to do was to remain anywhere near us. I tried to casually shrug Drake’s arm off of my shoulders, but he wouldn’t let me go. I couldn’t push his arm off me even as I wanted desperately to.
I caught Keir’s eye. I’m sorry, Keir. I’m so sorry, I wanted so desperately to tell him. He looked away and refused to look at me again.
30
The day in the garden with Drake and Keir had been torture for me. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how Keir had felt. When I entered my bedroom after dinner with Drake, my head was such a mess that I didn’t notice that someone was already in there.
A hand reached out to slam the door shut behind me and I was pushed up against it. Keir held me tightly by my arms, his face red and twisted into a mask of anger. I had never seen him like this.
“Keir, what are you doing here? Get out. Drake could be here any minute.”
“Do you love him?”
“What? Why are you even−?”
“Just answer the damn question.”
“No, I don’t love him.” I pushed Keir off me and he backed away. “I don’t appreciate you coming in here and accusing me of…what are you accusing me of, exactly?”
“You looked pretty fucking cozy with him earlier today.”
“Please,” I said softly, “don’t do this.”
“Are you still sleeping with him?”
“Jesus, Keir.”
“Well, are you?”
I swallowed hard. How should I answer? I couldn’t lie to him. But I didn’t want to admit it − it would just hurt him. I could see on his face that even the thought of Drake touching me was shredding him into ribbons inside.
“Please, don’t make me answer that.”
“You’re still fucking him.” His face screwed up and he spun away, his shoulders tight up around his ears.
“He’s my husband.”
“And I’m just his gardener,” he snapped. “I get to take care of his plants and his wife when he can’t.”
I grabbed his shoulder. “You are not just his gardener. You are everything to me.” I peered into his face, my hands clutching at his cheeks and his shoulders, willing him to understand me. “Keir, I love you. You have my heart and my soul. Those things are what matter.”
“I almost lost it today. Seeing his arm around you as if you were his…” he hissed.
“I’m not his. I’m yours. Everything that I have to give is yours.”
“But he still gets your body. He still gets to…touch you, to...”
I let out a long shaky breath. “I don’t want him to. But sometimes I have to let him. If I didn’t, he’d get suspicious.”
“I know. Fuck. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“Please don’t hate me.”
“I don’t hate you. Jesus, Noriko.” His voice softened, and he slipped his arms around my shoulders to pull me to him. “I could never hate you. It wasn’t fair of me to ask. On some level I knew that you must still…but I could just ignore it, you know? I could pretend that Mrs. Blackwell was someone else, not you. Until today.”
“I tried to stop him from coming into our garden, but he insisted. And Sasha was there and she’s always so suspicious. She would have been the first one to notice if I protested too hard. He suggested the pergola, not me.”
“I know it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t be angry. But I just…I love you so much, sometimes I can’t think straight.”
“I love you too.”
You had my heart, Keir, and if I could save my body just for you, I would. But I couldn’t. If Drake knew you had my heart he would cut you open just so he could claw it back from you.
So I just had to keep pretending.
31
It was getting harder and harder to let Drake touch me. Tonight when he entered my bedroom, I stood in front of my dresser mirror combing my hair. I wore a large t-shirt and tracksuit pants, the unsexiest things I could find.
He stood right behind me. His hand went under my shirt and travelled up my side. In the mirror’s reflection, I saw the lust in his eyes.
I pushed his hand away. “Drake, I’m really tired.”
“That’s okay. I’ll do all the work.”
He tried again and I pushed his hand away a second time. “I’m not in the mood.”
“You haven’t been in the mood lately.”
I stiffened. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You don’t think I see it.” He grabbed my arm and spun me towards him. “What’s going on, Riko?”
Fear coiled its icy finger around the base of my spine. I pulled my hand out of his arm. “Nothing’s going on.” I dropped my hairbrush on my dresser and tried to move around him, but he stood in my way.
He grabbed my face in his hands and peered at me as if the answer was in my face. “So what’s the problem?”
“Nothing. Just…not right now.”
He grabbed me around the waist and his other hand slid between my legs. “I can make you in the mood.”
“Drake, please.” I tried to push his hand away, but he was too strong. His fingers rubbed against me through my pants. He was touching the right spot, a low buzzing started to build, but with the pleasure came a rash of guilt making me feel sick. “Stop it.”
“I told you it was best that you didn’t speak to your family. Now they’ve upset you. You’ve been upset for weeks now and that makes me upset.”
“Drake−”
“I can make it better.” He p
ushed his hand into the top of my tracksuit pants and into my underwear. His fingers slid over the most private parts of me, making me whimper.
That wasn’t for you. It wasn’t yours.
“Come on, Drake. I don’t feel well.”
“Let me make it better. Come on, wife,” he said, his voice growing hard, his erection pressing against my side. “Let your husband look after you.”
He yanked down my pants and my underwear. He lifted me to sit on my dresser before pulling them off the end of my legs. Tears came to my eyes and my vision blurred. He grabbed my knees and forced my thighs apart.
“Please, don’t,” I whispered.
He stepped in between my legs. “That’s all I’ve been trying to do is to look after you.” He grabbed my wrists in one large hand and pushed them up above me, pressing against me to keep me trapped between him and the mirror. His other hand dropped between us and I heard his zipper opening.
“I just want to make love to my wife,” he said in my ear, his voice soft and tender, such a contrast to his hand circled painfully around my wrists. “I just want to love you, Riko.”
He pushed himself into me. It felt like a spear stabbing right into the very core of me. He started to thrust, my dresser banging lightly against the wall.
Keir, I pleaded in my head. I need you.
I imagined his voice whispering softly in my head, I’m here, my love. Whenever you need me. I’m here.
I’m sorry, Keir, I thought. I couldn’t stop him.
Just think of me. Forget about him and think of me.
I tried. I tried to push his face to the front of my mind. I tried to pretend that it was him inside me.
But it was Drake’s voice that grunted in my ear. It was his buffed and manicured hands that held mine above my head. I couldn’t escape him.
Drake let out a low groan and I felt him pulse inside me like a thick, wet worm. Please God, get it out of me. His fingers loosened their grip on my hands, still above my head. I yanked my hands out from his grasp and pushed his chest as hard as I could.
He stepped back and he fell out of me. An unfamiliar rush of wetness flooded from me. The blood drained into my toes. “Oh my God, Drake. You forgot the condom.”
Drake grabbed a few tissues from the side table and cleaned himself before zipping up. He threw the tissues on the dresser beside me. He leaned in, his breath, sour and acidy, swirling around my face. I flinched as he grabbed the back of my head and pressed a soft tender kiss on my forehead.
“I didn’t forget anything,” he said. He turned and walked out of my room.
I didn’t forget anything.
He didn’t wear a condom on purpose. He wanted to get me pregnant. I tumbled off the edge of the dresser and ran to the bathroom. I fell into the bathtub, still with my shirt on. My shaking hands reached for the removable showerhead. The sounds of my sobbing were muffled by the rush of water. I turned it on as hot as I could stand it and directed it between my legs, trying to wash every single piece of Drake from me.
I couldn’t get pregnant with his child. If I had a child with him, I could never ever leave.
32
The next day I walked hesitantly towards the birdhouse where I was supposed to meet Keir. I wanted to tell him what Drake did. But…I couldn’t. I feared what he would do if I told him.
He would confront Drake. Drake would kill him. Or Keir would kill Drake and go to jail. Either way, our carefully constructed glass world would crumble. I had to carry this burden alone and hope to God I wasn’t pregnant. If I became pregnant… I shoved these thoughts into a box as I approached Keir.
The brilliant smile and the bounce in his toes was a sharp contrast to the heavy worry I wore around my shoulders like a shawl. As I neared him his face fell.
He pulled me into his arms and studied me. “What’s wrong?”
I forced a smile. “Nothing. Just…just a bad night last night.”
His lip curled and his hands clenched into fists, crushing the material of my blouse. “What did he do?”
“It doesn’t matter. Tell me why you are so happy.”
This seemed to lighten him up. “I heard from the circus today.”
God no. “And?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
“I got in!”
He got in. He would leave me. I knew this day was coming, but I didn’t think it would come so quickly. And now…my thoughts flew to my stomach. Even if I wasn’t pregnant now, Drake wouldn’t stop trying. I felt my chains tightening around me.
“I’m so happy for you.” I forced these words out.
I tried so hard not to be selfish. But the finality of my fate was just too much. Anger rose up through my body. I lashed out with my arms, pushing him back as hard as I could. He stumbled as he let out a shocked cry.
“You bastard.” I advanced upon him, my hands tight little balls. “You can’t leave me alone here.” I swung at his chest.
He dodged my fist. “Noriko,” he growled, and he grabbed my wrists before I could attempt to hit him again. “I wasn’t planning to.”
My anger hung suspended in my body. “You weren’t planning to, what?”
“I’m not leaving here without you.”
“What?”
“I can’t live without you. I don’t even want to try.” He grabbed my face in his hands. They shook as his voice trembled fiercely, “Whatever it takes, you’re coming with me.”
“Yes. Keir, a thousand times yes!”
He grinned and leaned in to kiss me. As our lips moved, a vision of us together forever rushed up over me. My soul vibrated so hard in my body I thought it might break loose of me and fly away. So I held tightly onto Keir. He was my anchor and soon he would be my home.
But reality crashed into this perfect vision of us as fearful voices rose up in me, picking it apart.
I broke off the kiss. “But how will I get out of here without Drake knowing? Even if I manage to escape, where would I go? I can’t travel with you and the circus; I’m not a performer. I don’t have any money. How will I live?”
He grinned a sly little grin like he had already thought of that. “The Cirque de Luna isn’t just looking for performers. They’re also looking for a new assistant costume designer to come on tour with us to be on hand to make repairs and alterations. They loved my audition costume. I told them that you designed it and sewed it.” He grinned. “They want you, if you’ll take the job, of course.”
I stood blinking at him.
I could leave. We could leave. I’d have a job. I wouldn’t just be a burden to him. We could go together. Be together.
These thoughts settled on my skin like silk and I waited for them to sink in. “Are you serious?” I asked, scarcely daring to hope.
“Noriko. I love you. I won’t leave without you. If you said, for whatever reason, you wanted to stay here…then I would stay too.”
“You’d give up your−”
“I’d give it all up. I used to think that what I needed to be happy was to leave here so I could find my real home. But I found my home. It’s where you are.”
My eyes filled with tears. “Then let’s leave and make a home together.”
“Let’s make a home together.”
“We need a plan.”
He nodded. “The troupe leaves LA in four days, at 6 a.m., for their training camp up north near Seattle. We should go with them. When Drake realizes that we’re both gone, he’ll come looking, but he’ll be looking for a couple travelling together, not a group.”
I nodded. “We should stay here and act like nothing’s different until the very last minute we can, the night before the troupe leaves. He’ll start looking in LA first. By then we’ll be on the road to Seattle.”
“It’ll be cutting it close, but you’re right. That’s our best chance. We’ll need to get a lift to LA from here. I don’t want to mess around with buses. Too slow and too much can go wrong.”
“Will Filipe help us?”
“I think so.
I’ll ask him.”
“Shit,” I said. “I just remembered, Drake’s going on a business trip then. Filipe will be taking him to the airport late that night. I don’t know what time he’ll be back.”
“That could be a good thing. It means that Drake will be out of the country by the time they realize you’re gone. It’ll buy us more time.”
“But Filipe…”
“I have another friend I can ask to drive us. He owes me a favor. And perhaps it’s better not to get Filipe involved. If Drake were to find out…”
I nodded. “Okay, so we’ll leave here through the side gate and meet your friend outside. What time?”
“One a.m. is our best chance. The security guards change shift at that time and they usually fuss about and chat when the new guard arrives. Hopefully neither of them will be watching the cameras. Just in case, wear something hooded so the camera can’t catch your face.”
“One a.m. Perfect. Everyone will be asleep by then or at least settled in their rooms for the night.”
“And we’ll be in LA with plenty of time to get to the troupe before they leave.”
“How do I get out of the house? Drake had a security camera installed just outside my door. They’ll be watching it. It’ll look suspicious, me leaving just before midnight with a bag over my shoulder.”
“Then don’t go that way. Climb out your window. I’ll come get you. I promise, I won’t let you fall.”
My nerves seized at the thought of climbing down three stories. But I’d do anything to get free of Drake and to be with Keir. I’d even do that. I nodded. “Okay.”
He grabbed my face in his hands. “We’re really doing this?”
“We’re really doing this.”
“Noriko, I fucking love you.”
“I love you too.”
He kissed me. As our tongues fought my body shook with desire and the intoxicating taste of freedom. His greedy hands ran down my body and under my skirt. I moaned into his mouth as his fingers found my sensitive spot. My legs started to tremble. He always knew exactly how to touch me.
