My heart fucking broke. The last thing in the world I wanted was for Cassidy to be in pain…especially over someone as worthless for it as me. Yeah, I was still pissed and, okay, really fucking hurt over her belief that I was nothing more than a jerkoff who’d one day screw her over, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t do everything in my power to help her if she needed it.
“Yeah, Cass. I know the feeling. Who are you with now?”
“Some nice guy called Jose. He said he’d wait with me for my cab. I called it like an hour ago and it still isn’t fucking here,” she grumbled.
I ran a hand over my face. “Are you still near the bar or wherever you’ve been tonight?”
“Yeah, I’m outside. It’s nice outside.” Cassidy hiccupped again. “But I can’t see the stars, Seth.”
“Listen to me, Cass,” I said, using my most bossy tone. “Get your ass back inside. Wait at the bar—but Christ, don’t order anything stronger than water. And tell me where you are.”
She named a bar not too far from me and promised to go straight back inside.
“Wait for me at the bar, Cass. I fucking mean it.”
“God, you’re an asshole,” Cassidy huffed before hanging up.
I heaved out a breath and sat immobile in bed for about three seconds. Then I launched myself up, threw on a pair of sweatpants, a T-shirt and sneakers and rushed out into the night.
My mind raced as I drove through the dark streets. Why, out of everyone she knew, did Cass call me when she needed someone? Was I still in her mind, as she was in mine? That sent a thrill up my spine, despite the logical part of my brain reminding me that it didn’t change anything. She had still written me off.
I pushed open the bar door and scanned the immediate area for Cass. And, of course she wasn’t where I told her to wait. Why the fuck was I not surprised?
Approaching the bar, I nodded to the bartender. “Hey, have you seen a girl—about this tall, blonde hair? Smart mouth?”
He snorted a laugh. “Yeah, I think I know who you’re talking about. Are you the bossy asshole?”
“Yep, that’d be me. Where is she?”
He shrugged and accepted the money from a guy he was serving. “Her ass was on that stool last time I looked. Maybe she took off already?”
I stepped forward, fully prepared to go off on this guy. Jesus, didn’t he have any ethics? Who in their right mind just let’s a girl who’s drunk off her ass disappear by herself? Fuck, I wanted to—
“Oh, get that look off your face, Cujo. I was in the bathroom.”
Whipping around, Cassidy stood with her arms folded across her chest and a very pissed-off expression on her face. Great. I had snarky Cass to deal with. “What the hell did I do?”
Cassidy rolled her eyes. “You were about to blow up in this poor guy’s face! I was peeing, Seth. Get a goddamn clue.”
I looked around at the bartender, who was staring at us in open fascination. Yeah, I guessed we did make good entertainment. I took a few long strides toward Cass. She lifted her eyebrows as I gripped her elbow in a soft but firm hold. “Come on. We’re getting out of here.”
She huffed. “Why are you so bossy? You didn’t used to be.”
“Getting drunken phone calls at two in the morning must bring it out in me.”
Cassidy snorted a laugh. “That I find hard to believe.”
And just like that, she stabbed my heart with a shard of ice again. It was then I realized the flaw in getting close to someone. The deeper the relationship, the more of yourself you gave to another person…the more they could hurt you.
Christ, could they hurt you.
I didn’t have the words to answer her, whether seriously or not. But she let me guide her out of the bar and toward my car. She crawled into the passenger seat and slumped back against the headrest.
“I don’t have my goddamn keys,” Cassidy mumbled, as if her sober self had done it just to piss her off.
“So? Can’t be the first time one of your roommates have been woken up to let one of you in,” I said, starting the car and pulling out of the lot.
“They’re both on nights.” Cassidy hiccupped and there was a brief pause before she let out a devastated wail. “I’m homeless.”
“You’re not homeless, Cass,” I mumbled. “Just tell me where you want to go.”
She sniffed and rubbed at her eyes. “Will you be really mean to me if I ask to go to your place?”
Aw, shit. “That’s not a good idea.”
“Why not?” Cassidy sat up straight in her seat. “Don’t you give a shit about me?”
“Don’t I give a shit about you?” I repeated, so stunned, so pissed off, that I almost sent us careening into oncoming traffic. “Did you really just fucking ask me that? Jesus, Cass, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t give a shit. I wouldn’t be fucking miserable if I didn’t give a shit.”
She sighed. “Then why is it a bad idea?”
Goddammit, she was an irritating, illogical drunk. I clenched my hands around the steering wheel to keep from throttling her, and drove us back to my place in tense, deadly silence.
Cassidy followed me up the front walk, her shoes clacking on the paving slabs and echoing in the night. “You need a nicer garden.”
I glanced at her over my shoulder and saw she was staring out at the pitiful excuse for a garden. The lawn needed mowing and the shrubs needed to be trimmed back. The flowerbeds that lined the front walk had started to become overrun with weeds. “I’m not much of a green thumb.”
“So I can see. I wish I had a garden. I like the smell of herbs.”
And if things had turned out differently, she could have gone nuts with this one. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. What was the point?
“Are you hungry?” I asked as I let us inside.
“Do you have Pop-Tarts?”
“Of course.”
“Then yes, I’m hungry,” Cassidy said with a wide grin as she followed me down the hall and into the kitchen. She hopped up like a clumsy toddler onto a counter and watched as I opened a cupboard.
“Strawberry or brown sugar?”
“Strawberry. No, brown sugar. No…” Cassidy paused, her face scrunched up in concentration.
“How about one of each?”
She looked up at me, a huge grin spreading across her face. “Perfect.”
I dumped both packets in the toaster and poured her a huge glass of water. Hopefully plenty of fluids would help what was sure to be a mammoth hangover the next day. When the Pop-Tarts were ready, we ate them in the kitchen, Cassidy devouring hers as though she hadn’t seen food in a week.
“Can I use your toothbrush?” she asked around her last mouthful of pastry, brushing her hands free of crumbs. “My teeth feel like they grew fur.”
My lips twitched into a smirk. “Sure thing.” I signaled for her to follow me to the bathroom in the master bedroom—my bedroom. Flipping on the light switch, I turned and realized she hadn’t followed me inside, and instead had paused in the middle of the room.
Cassidy turned in a slow circle, her drunken eyes still sharp and assessing. “How long have you lived here? You have, like, no shit. And your bed isn’t made.”
“That’s because some little lush dragged me out of it,” I mumbled, smearing some paste onto the toothbrush. “And I’d like to get back into it at some point, so hurry up, would you?”
She huffed but stepped into the bathroom and snatched the toothbrush from my grasp. I left her to her scrubbing and dug out an old Bud T-shirt that she could sleep in. When she emerged from the bathroom, wiping her mouth against the back of her hand, she glanced from the shirt to my face and back again.
“Christ, what are you going to gripe at now?” I asked, frustrated beyond belief. “It’s just a damn shirt. I didn’t think you’d want to sleep in your clothes.”
Cassidy gave a slight shake of her head. “You’re being really nice.”
I let out a soft sigh. “Like I’ve said before, I might be an asshole, but I�
��m not a prick, Cass. Now come on. I’m fucking exhausted.” I led Cassidy out of my bedroom and down the hall to the guest room. It was modestly furnished, with a bed, dresser with a mirror…and not much else.
She took the shirt I offered her and clutched it to her chest like a life preserve. “Thanks.”
“You’ll be okay? Do you want more water or anything?”
Cassidy shook her head.
“Okay.” I jammed my hands in my sweats pockets. “Well…good night, then.”
She nodded.
Turning on my heel, I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. As I stripped down to get into my own bed, I had to wonder just how in the hell my night had ended up like this. Cassidy’s sudden reappearance into my life was weird…weird and confusing.
I lay awake for what felt like hours with just one question pounding in my head. Why was I the one she called for help?
* * * *
I’d only just closed my eyes when I was rudely awoken. Again. Brightness spilled into the room from the hallway and Cassidy stood in the doorway, the harsh light behind her illuminating her hair—soft and mussed from what little sleep she must have had.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, my voice rough and low. Forcing myself to sit up, I scrubbed my eyes to see her better. And Christ, I wished I hadn’t.
My T-shirt skimmed her thighs, showing miles and miles of those gorgeous, shapely legs. The shirt had slid down enough that it exposed one smooth shoulder and those round, full tits were nestled beneath the fabric…hard nipples drawing my gaze and keeping it prisoner.
Cassidy shook her head and padded toward the bed. My cock jumped to attention, the hopeful little bastard praying that this situation was what we both thought it was. She pulled back the sheets, her eyes zeroing in on my thick erection as she crawled above me, throwing one knee over my thighs so she straddled my hips.
And fuck me…
She wasn’t wearing panties.
Cassidy moaned, a soft sound in the dark, as she aligned herself over my dick.
“Cass, what are you doing?” I asked, my voice gravelly. Fuck, were we really doing this? Could I do this?
She caught the hem of the shirt and pulled it free of her body, exposing those perky breasts that I had missed so damn much. Cassidy pressed down on my length and gave a slight, agonizing roll of her hips. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
I groaned and couldn’t help pushing my hips up to meet her movement. I grasped her thighs and pulled her to me even more fully, burrowing my face in her neck. The smell of her, so familiar and painful, had me squeezing my eyes shut as a barrage of emotions made my chest heavy.
Cassidy looped her arms around my neck and took my earlobe into her mouth. I shuddered as she bit down. “Seth, I want you. Now.”
Lifting my head, I tried to assess just how drunk she still was. There was something off about her expression, something I couldn’t put my finger on. She was here with me, as lost in this steam-filled moment as I was, but there was something else going on in her mind. “Cass—”
As though she knew I was about to vocalize my apprehension, she slanted her mouth over mine and shoved her tongue inside.
Fuck, her lips were like coming home. She cupped my throat as she thrust her tongue inside my mouth, fucking me, driving me insane as she rocked her hips and brought me close to climax despite not even being inside her yet.
Yet.
Yet…
With a groan, I broke the kiss. Cassidy made a soft noise of loss and dropped her forehead to mine. I stroked her long hair down the length of her back. “I can’t do this.”
“Why not?” she whispered as though to keep her voice from breaking.
Grasping her hips, I eased her off my lap and onto the mattress. I missed the warmth of her pressed down on my dick, but I still couldn’t be that guy. “Because we broke up. And you’ve been drinking.”
“Oh, and what? You’ve never slept with a girl who’s been drinking before?” she asked, her tone laced with venom.
Yet again her words cut right through me, shredding my insides. “Not when I’ve been stone-cold sober. Not when the fucking girl is you.”
Cassidy drew her knees up to her chest. Jesus, she looked lost. Vulnerable. It made me want to draw her into my arms and take that awful fucking look away. “I missed you. Is that so wrong?”
My body relaxed, some of the tension slipping away. “No, it’s not. But I still can’t do this, not when I know for a fact that you’ll regret it in the morning.”
“You don’t know that,” she mumbled.
“Yes, I do.” I reached for my sweats that I’d dumped on the floor and shoved my legs into them. I stood and settled them onto my hips, keeping my back to her so I’d keep my goddamn resolve. “And I’m not going to let this be something that makes you feel better for a little while, just for you to twist it around tomorrow.”
Cassidy sniffed and I turned to face her. She wiped under her eye and refused to look at me. My gut dropped. Ah, shit…
With a sigh, I sat back down on the edge of the bed. I reached for her hand and tugged her over to me. She came willingly, falling into my lap and knotting her arms around my shoulders. “I know you’ll regret it, and fuck, if you do…it would destroy me. I’m trying to save myself some pain.”
Cassidy hiccupped, her tears coming faster. “I don’t want to miss you. I know I’m a fucking idiot for missing you.”
I loosened her hands from around my shoulders and placed them on her lap. “And that’s how I know you’d regret it, Cassidy.”
She pulled back to look me in the eye. Her lip trembled, her eyes infinitely sad. “You called me Cassidy.”
With a start, I realized that I had. How long had it been since I’d called her that? Almost from the beginning she had been Cass to me. There was nothing to be gained here. Nothing but more pain and hurt. I kissed the side of her head and moved her off me. “I’m going to sleep on the couch. Try and get some rest.”
Cassidy nodded but refused to look at me.
I closed my bedroom door behind me with a quiet click and for the second time that night, walked away from the girl I still loved with everything in me. What I’d said at Blake and Marley’s wedding was true. I did believe in something real now, and that it had to be worked at. But I think I had matured enough at this point to realize that sometimes love isn’t enough…especially if only one person is doing the loving.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
It was late morning when I woke up, surprise flitting through me. I hadn’t thought sleep would have been possibly after that night. When I’d collapsed on the couch and my body thrummed with anxious energy, I’d doubted I could shut off my brain for long enough that sleep would come. I guess in the end, sheer exhaustion had won and I’d fallen into a dreamless state of unconsciousness.
The house was still and quiet.
No sign of Cassidy.
I was on my second cup of coffee when I finally heard my bedroom door open and her soft footfalls come down the hall. Cassidy appeared in the archway into the living room, her hair pulled back into a messy bun, and she wore her jeans from the night before. And my shirt.
“There’s coffee.” That’s your opener? Dumb-ass…
She gave me a weak smile and sat on the armchair with her legs tucked under her. “That would be great, thank you.”
Something like nerves rattled in my gut as I poured Cassidy a coffee. I had no idea where this morning would lead. But she didn’t seem as prickly now that the alcohol had worn off, so at least there was that. At the last moment, I grabbed a banana for her also and took her things back into the living room.
She accepted them with another small smile and stayed curled up in the chair.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, wrapping my hands around my own mug.
“Like a Mack truck ran over my head,” Cassidy said with a quiet laugh. She shrugged. “I’ve been worse.”
I nodded. This was unknown territ
ory for us. All this time, we’d been some kind of something with each other. I’d annoyed her, pissed her off, made her laugh, chatted about nothing, been intimate, supported, comforted, adored…but this? Awkwardness had never been something linked to us. And I didn’t have a damn clue how to get rid of it or work through it.
Cassidy cleared her throat and glanced at me before quickly looking away. “Thank you, for last night.”
A huge part of me wanted her to clarify which part. For answering her cry for help in the middle of the night? Giving her a place to stay? Turning down her drunken offer of sex? But something told me it wouldn’t go down too well. She was already hungover…if I poked an angry bear, I should expect to lose an arm…or other appendage—right?
“And not just for answering my call in the middle of the night,” Cassidy said, snapping me out of that unpleasant visual. “That only warrants a huge thank you. Jesus, you answered a drunk girl’s phone call on a Saturday night—your busiest night of the week at work. I’m a selfish bitch. But I wanted to say thank you for letting me crash here, too. You didn’t have to do that and I want you to know I really appreciate it.”
Okay, so she was going with every part…should have known she wouldn’t beat around the bush. I stared into my coffee mug. A contrite Cassidy was not one I would have predicted to have come out of my bedroom this morning.
“And, holy shit this is embarrassing,” Cassidy mumbled. “I shouldn’t have thrown myself at you last night. It was dumb and…God, I can’t even really blame the alcohol. I’ve really fucking missed you, Seth, even though I give myself every reason not to. I was here, in your beautiful new house, and the missing you got to be too much and I decided not to anymore. Miss you, I mean. But it would have been such a stupid idea and I wasn’t strong enough to be the one to realize it. So thank you, for not letting me be a total moron.”
And there it was—the double-edged knife I was starting to associate with this girl. “I wasn’t at work.”
Secrets, Lies & Imperfections Page 28
