by Quinn, Taryn
“I’m sorry? Come again?”
“He wants me to give him a kid.”
“What? Like a piece of chocolate?”
I laughed. It was either that or cry. “So you see my dilemma.”
“Not really. You already want to play Boom-Boom Room with him. This sounds perfect. You guys would make a cute couple. I mean, he can be annoying, and the idea is a bit weird, but—”
“He doesn’t want us to be a couple. He just wants me to carry a baby for him and then hand it off to him like a fruitcake at Christmas.”
“Huh.”
“Yep.”
“I think we might need wine.” She rose and went to the fridge where a box of wine was stuffed down on the bottom shelf. She hauled it onto the counter and pulled out jelly glasses from the skinny cabinet.
When she set a glass in front of me, I took a swig of the sweet white wine. The shock on her face helped with my own insanity. It wasn’t just me who had a problem with the whole scenario. It was straight-up crazy.
So why couldn’t I just say no?
Four
“No mo peas.”
Staring at my daughter’s stubborn chin as she shook her head in refusal of the healthy vegetable I’d added to our meals, I briefly reconsidered what I’d asked of Ally.
Did I really want another child?
Hell, could I handle another child? Basically on my own—along with the nanny I employed on workdays—since I didn’t expect Ally to be tied down. She could be as involved as she wanted in whatever capacity she chose, but I’d proceeded as if she would choose minimal involvement. Thinking otherwise made things sticky.
Made me itchy in ways I couldn’t define.
Now I had an almost four-year-old staring me down and a bowl of peas I didn’t even want myself. But good example and all that. And if I wanted another kid, good examples were the rule of the day.
God, was I crazy?
Dutifully, I spooned up my vegetable. “Okay, if you don’t want the rest of your dinner, as soon as I finish, we’ll get you upstairs for your bath. School tomorrow. Mrs. O’Connor said you’re drawing mermaids this week. That will be fun.”
“No bath.” Laurie pushed at her plate and inched back in her chair, step one in lurching to the floor.
She still wasn’t the best at climbing, but she liked sitting at the big table without a highchair. As small as she was, she’d used one longer than some kids, but now she was done with it.
Done with everything judging from how many times she’d said no tonight.
“You need a bath. You were playing outside with Fritz for an hour this afternoon. Digging up Mrs. Polenti’s flowerbeds no less.”
It wasn’t much of an admonition. Laurie and the neighbor’s cocker spaniel were so cute together. Mrs. Polenti was soft on them too, so I knew she wouldn’t mind a few trampled leaves.
Though as soon as I mentioned the neighbor’s pup, I knew what I’d be in for.
“Daddy, I want a dog. Like Fritz.” Laurie’s big blue eyes zeroed in on mine. “I’d take care of it. Feed and walk it.”
“What about clean up after it goes on the sidewalk? You have to scoop the poop into a bag and take it home to throw it out.”
Her little nose wrinkled. “Eww.”
“Part of being a pet owner, kiddo.”
“Okay. Then I’d do that too.” She sounded decidedly less enthusiastic.
“Maybe next year,” I said as I always did.
Someday I intended to get her a puppy, but not until she was older and more responsible. And I’d figured out juggling the whole two little kids deal.
Yeah, I’d been plotting this scenario for a few months. Shifting things around in my head until I could figure out how to make it all work.
Ally was at the center of the plan. Without her, the rest fell apart. Considering she hadn’t contacted me since our conversation at the diner, that wasn’t a good sign.
She’d made it clear by not answering any of my calls that she needed space to think. But today was her first Mother’s Day without her mom, and I couldn’t just let the day pass without her knowing I was thinking about her. So I’d sent a simple bouquet of flowers with a brief card and hoped that sufficed. Even if she hated me, at least she knew I cared.
As far as the reverse, she hadn’t come by to see Laurie today, and she always did on this day for obvious reasons. I couldn’t blame her. Much. My offer had upset the balance, but it bugged me that Laurie was paying the price.
Not that my baby girl had mentioned Ally. Not once. She barely seemed aware of the day, though it was always a big deal in her preschool class. She’d brought me home a card she’d drawn, as was standard on a parent celebration day when the parent in question wasn’t a part of the child’s life. So she knew what today was. Knew what it meant.
Maybe that had something to do with her cranky mood since waking up from her nap. She had to miss her mom, right? Even if they’d only spent a few months together while Laurie was too little to remember much, Marj had carried Laurie for nine months. That created a special bond. It had to. Not that Marj had seemed overly affected.
Yet you’re asking your best friend to bear your child then to walk away?
“Daddy, ice cream?” Laurie picked up a couple peas between her fingers, squashing them together before popping them in her mouth. Her idea of a concession in the hopes of getting dessert.
“A scoop of ice cream after your bath, then you brush your teeth.” I wasn’t above bribery.
Laurie tilted her head, her blond pigtails falling over her shoulders. Every day she looked older. The chubbiness in her cheeks was fading, and her eyes were taking on a more knowing quality I was both proud of and worried about. I didn’t want her to have to face the world. She’d never be alone—not while I had breath in my body—but there were far too many things out there that I couldn’t shield her from.
And I would be taking on a whole new set of worries with a new one. Voluntarily.
Maybe Ally was right. I had gone mad.
“Okay,” Laurie said after a moment’s thought. “Strawberry?”
“It’s Neapolitan,” I told her. “Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate.”
Again with the stubborn chin. “Just strawberry and brush my teeth for three seconds.”
“Thirty,” I corrected, grinning in spite of myself. My daughter was a negotiator to the core. Just like her daddy and Uncle Oliver and our father before us. Always wheeling and dealing.
“Thirty what?”
“Seconds.” I reached over to ruffle her cornsilk hair. She was also a con artist. “You can have a scoop of mostly strawberry and then brush your teeth for thirty seconds.” I looked at her plate. “If you eat a few more peas.”
With a loud sigh, she grabbed a couple and smashed them into her mouth, chewing and swallowing so fast I feared she would choke. Then she made a face. “I hate peas.”
“You liked them last week.”
“Elizabeth doesn’t like peas.”
“Oh, so if your best friend doesn’t like them, you can’t like them?”
She nodded as if that made total sense. “Ally doesn’t like them either.”
Halfway to my feet to clear the dishes from the table, I paused. And sank back down as heavily as a stone in a lake.
Just her name slayed me.
“Is she coming over today?”
Like an idiot, I stared wordlessly at my daughter. I honestly didn’t know, and that was my fault. On another Mother’s Day, she would. It was almost guaranteed. But because of my crazy scheme, I’d put distance between us. And distance between her and my little girl.
“I’ll find out,” I replied, unsure exactly how.
I was trying to give Ally space. Trying to not push or cause her any more discomfort on a day that already had to be tough. Not being there for her on this first holiday without her mom was like a physical ache in my gut. She wasn’t just the woman I’d asked to have my child. She was my best friend, in many ways my other half. The
person I wanted with me when I was going out for a good time or just kicking back with a beer and a movie.
And Jesus Christ, I’d told her I wanted to fuck her. In lurid detail.
The kind of detail that had kept me up late every night since, fisting my cock and imagining the shock on her face. The way her pale pink lips had trembled open, as if she was stunned I would ever say such a thing.
But I had. Now there was no coming back from it. We could only go forward. The one thing I wasn’t going to do was apologize, because I wasn’t sorry for being honest. I was just mad at myself for not realizing sooner that the occasional flickers of interest I’d dismissed as being due to a lengthy dry spell were so much more.
It wasn’t like I wanted a relationship. Experience had taught me I sucked at those. Enjoying the process of getting Ally pregnant, however, was a completely different ballgame.
If she ever talked to me again. Which I wouldn’t know unless I tried.
“I’ll call her,” I decided, standing up and grabbing Laurie’s plate as she reached for another couple of peas. I waited while she grabbed them and pushed them into her mouth, shaking my head with a smile. “Fork next time, young lady.”
She gave me a toothy green-smeared smile. “Call Ally now?”
I could do that. Sure, why not? It wasn’t a big deal, calling my best friend on an important holiday.
That I’d told her I wanted to fuck her until my cum spilled out of her was incidental. Besides, I didn’t want it to spill out. I wanted it to stay inside until her belly grew rounded with my baby.
Our baby.
Swallowing hard, I carried our dishes to the sink and rinsed them off before loading them in the dishwasher. “Why don’t you go up to your room and pick out what you want to wear tomorrow then start getting ready for your bath?”
Sending Laurie off to dig through her drawers was always a dangerous proposition, but she preferred to dress herself these days, even if that meant she ended up more often than not in mismatched—and sometimes strange—outfits. Not like I was the fashion police. She was reaching for her independence, and so far, we hadn’t yet hit an impasse. It was coming, I was sure, but it wouldn’t be over rainbow leggings and light-up sneakers.
“Okay.” She heaved herself off the chair, her feet landing on the tiled floor with a thud. She circled the table and grabbed me around the legs, hugging me hard. “Love you, Daddy.” Then she ran down the hall, ponytails streaming, and I grinned.
Moments like that were why I wanted another one. Also possibly a healthy streak of masochism.
After I heard Laurie’s footsteps climbing the stairs, I dried off my hands and tugged out my cell from my pocket. No missed calls or texts, which meant Ally hadn’t responded to the texts I’d sent. I’d only checked twenty times today, so not sure when I thought they might’ve come in.
Nada.
Nyet.
Eh, fuck it. I was calling her anyway. She couldn’t hide from me forever. If her answer was no, well, I’d just have to change her mind.
Steeling my shoulders, I hit the number one saved number. She didn’t answer for so long that I figured I’d get voicemail.
“Hi.” She sounded tired.
My hackles rose. Everything rose, truthfully, including my dick. Since when did her silky voice have the power to wake up my cock?
For that matter, since when did I hear her voice as silky? I was on the verge of turning in my man card and signing up for eternal blue balls all in one week.
“Hi. How are you?”
“I’m okay. How are you?”
So she thought we were going to keep it cordial as if we were strangers. No dice.
“Why do you sound exhausted?” I asked.
“I stayed up late fucking my neighbors. Is that all right with you?”
That I actually gripped the edge of the sink instead of realizing right away that she was screwing with me, proved how messed up I was. She’d said things like that a million times, and I’d tossed back my share of those kinds of replies as well. We didn’t get overly personal when it came to sex, but we’d never shied away from most topics either. I didn’t know much about her sex life, and I was okay with that.
Or I had been, until I had decided I should become part of it. For babymaking purposes only, of course.
Mutual orgasms would just be a bonus.
“I know today is a rough day for you.” I relaxed my grip on the edge of the sink. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Yeah, it’s been rough. A lot of days have been lately.” She let out a breath and I wished like hell that there wasn’t a phone between us so I could hold her.
Not to make a baby. Not to soften her up for my wild plan. Simply because she was my closest friend, and her pain was palpable.
“Wanna come over?” I asked softly.
Any other time, I wouldn’t have had to voice the question. She would’ve just shown up, and we wouldn’t have talked about the meaning of the day other than to maybe hipcheck each other or sling an arm around each other’s shoulders before she left for the night.
We weren’t touchy-feely. She was basically like my best guy friend, except she was even better—and she also had one hell of a body, which thankfully was only a recent obsession of mine. Very recent.
If I’d allowed myself to notice her curves before, we couldn’t have remained platonic friends for so long. I’d have banged her and probably driven her out of my life years ago.
There was a reason I didn’t try to have relationships anymore, and it wasn’t just because I didn’t trust easily. I wasn’t built to be a married guy.
Or maybe that was just what I told myself.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” she replied, just as softly.
“Why the hell not? You’ve spent part of every Mother’s Day here since Laurie’s birth. Hell, even when Marj was pregnant, you were the one here on Mother’s Day making a fuss over her. More of a fuss than I made.”
By then, things had been so strained between Marj and me that I’d had trouble tamping down on my feelings long enough to do my husbandly and fatherly duty. But I’d made breakfast and gotten her flowers and tried to pretend we were a real family.
And I’d ignored my bitchy wife when she crabbed about Ally “always hanging around” instead of appreciating her kindness.
“Being a mom is special,” Ally said, and I felt like an asshole all over again. “So is being a dad.”
“Yeah, it is.” I grabbed a sponge and wiped halfheartedly at the sink. “Look, I’m not asking you to come over here so we can discuss things. I mean, unless you want to.”
“Why would I want to? I’ve spent the last few days hoping you had developed amnesia and had forgotten the whole asinine idea.”
I tried to rein in my temper. I’d told her we didn’t have to discuss this right now, and today was a difficult day for her. Of course she wouldn’t be in the best frame of mind.
“Judging from your silence, you haven’t. So I’m not really sure what else we have to say to each other, since you’ve lost your goddamn mind. Telling me you wanted to—” She broke off and hissed out a breath. “Lunatic.”
“Is telling you I want to have sex with you that startling that you think I must’ve developed a mental condition?”
“When you say it like that… Yeah, maybe. It certainly came out of left field. Though I get that it’s just the means to an end to you.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it fucking isn’t. Okay, maybe it started that way, and maybe I never noticed you had tits before, but—”
She huffed out a laugh. “See? And they’ve been here all along.”
“I just never saw you that way. Intentionally. Not because you aren’t hot. You’re just—”
“Not your type. Yeah, yeah, Hamilton, I know it and I’m cool with it. We stay in our lanes. You’re the one who’s suddenly swerving all over the place. Maybe this is just the male
version of a ticking hormonal clock. I didn’t know it happened to dudes, but possibly something went off inside you and you panicked. It’s no big deal. We can just move on from here and forget we ever brought up the subject.”
“Wrong answer. It is big, and if you ever stopped freaking out at the mere idea I could want to fuck you, you’d find that out for yourself.”
“You want to fuck me to make a baby with me. A baby you can then raise as a storied Hamilton child without my involvement to taint him or her.”
Her words stole the breath from my chest. “You honestly believe I’d view your involvement that way?”
“I don’t know. You’re the one who told me I could run off and be a free bird as soon as I gave birth. Didn’t really seem like you wanted my input. And for that matter, I wouldn’t do it anyway, so why are we still talking about it?”
“Because you can’t seem to talk about anything else. Which is pretty damn funny considering you supposedly find the idea so off-putting. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.”
“Oh, fuck right off.”
“I’d love to. When can I expect you?”
She growled at me and the tight band around my chest loosened for the first time since I’d walked into the diner during her shift on Thursday. That sound was pure Ally. She might be annoyed and questioning my mental balance, but she didn’t hate me. And I wasn’t entirely convinced she hated the idea of us making a baby either.
I could work with both of those things.
“Look, we’ll just hang out. Laurie’s been asking for you.”
“She has?” Ally cleared her throat. “Again, using your child is a dick move, Hamilton.”
“I’m not using her. Just saying I’m not the only one who misses you.” All right, so I hadn’t intended to phrase things quite like that.
I didn’t miss her. Did I? That would be nuts. It had only been a few days since we’d seen each other. You couldn’t miss someone in that time.
Even if the tightness was back in my chest at the possibility she wouldn’t come.
“Now you’re sweet talking. Pulling out the big guns, huh?”
“Nah. I haven’t pulled out the biggest gun yet. But if you’d like me to…”
