by Quinn, Taryn
My father glanced away, all the proof I needed. “Don’t be ridiculous. That would violate client confidentiality.”
Yep. I’d called that one right. At least it hadn’t been Oliver who’d blabbed. I really didn’t want to have to kick his ass since he was purportedly doing me a favor with Ally.
Though, God, I’d sunk low if I was accepting his help. Oliver’s love life was even worse than mine. He went through women like ties. Actually, he probably used ties with women, since his tastes veered toward the dominant side. Yet another thing I had no desire to ponder.
“That contract was a mistake.”
My father didn’t reply for a long moment. “But she signed on the dotted line, didn’t she? She agreed to take money for your child. Just like Marjorie did.” He lifted his head and narrowed his flinty eyes on mine. “Women are all the same, Seth. You may think I was wrong for offering a payout to your mother.”
“Considering I only learned about that today, can’t say I’ve had much time to process. But wrong seems like a good place to start, yes.”
My father went on as if I hadn’t spoken. “The truth is, it was a test, and she failed.”
“Ally didn’t fail, and who tests someone you love?”
You did. You were probably playing Hamilton games without even realizing it.
“I wouldn’t do something like that to someone I love. I won’t do it again,” I amended, though the situations were vastly different.
“You don’t love Alison.”
“How the hell do you know? Because you didn’t love Mom? Because I didn’t love Marjorie the way I should have?”
“I loved your mother. You will never understand.”
“Then tell me. Explain it to me. I’m begging you.” I spread my arms wide. “I’m standing right here, waiting. Listening.”
“She wasn’t faithful to me,” he said in a nearly inaudible voice.
Laughter ripped from my chest. “So? You weren’t faithful to her either. That’s why we have that damn camp that you refuse to go near any longer. Which mistress lived there, Dad?”
He didn’t look at me, just cracked his knuckles. “It doesn’t matter. Your mother was unfaithful first. She bore another man’s child.” He forged ahead before I could finish processing what he’d said.
Did he mean the daughter she’d had with her new husband? Or…worse?
“Do you even know if Laurie is yours? Did you ever ask for proof?” he demanded.
Though I knew the question was just his version of lashing out, it hit me square in the gut just the same. I started to respond, but he cut me off, his low voice as brutal as a whip.
“Or did she use her as a bargaining chip as your mother used you and your brother?”
I gripped the back of my neck. “Laurie looks like me. She’s mine. But you know what? Even if she wasn’t, it wouldn’t matter.”
Deep down, it was true. I couldn’t deny it would hurt like a bitch to find out she wasn’t my child biologically. But I’d get over it. Because she was mine in every way that counted, and I didn’t need a useless slip of paper to prove it.
Every time she called me Daddy, I knew the truth all over again. She was mine and I was hers. Against all odds, we’d made a family.
And now with Ally, hopefully our family would expand.
“Sure, it wouldn’t.” My father laughed mirthlessly. “How much of your savings did you use to buy her safety from her mother?”
“She wasn’t in danger from Marj. Not physically. But neglect is just as hurtful. I would’ve emptied my bank account to ensure my baby didn’t have to deal with a parent who didn’t want her.”
He lifted his head. “So would I.”
I exhaled and moved around my desk, dropping into my chair. “She didn’t sign it. Ally. She wouldn’t. Even when she said she had, it wasn’t legal. She didn’t want a contract between us. If I’d been thinking straight—hell, if I’d been less of a coward—I never would have either.”
When my father didn’t speak, I leaned forward and braced my forearms on the desk. “I don’t know why you don’t like her, but I hope to God it’s not for the reason I think. Because all these years, I’ve told myself there’s some good in you, some decency. If you’ve let your feelings about her bank account color your attitude toward her all these years…” I trailed off before I said something I probably wouldn’t regret.
Defending Ally came before everything else except protecting my daughter.
“You would see it that way,” he said tiredly, and I jerked up my head, shocked to hear the fatigue in his tone.
My father was a bull of a man. Strong, healthy, larger than life in every way. Years had passed since I’d really looked at him and seen him as anything but a force of nature.
Until now. Now the lines on his face seemed like a roadmap, where most of the best days of his life were behind him.
I swallowed hard. “Then explain it to me. Please.”
“She has the power to break you.”
“You just insinuated I don’t love her, and now you’re saying she could break me?”
“I wanted to see if you truly knew your own mind yet, or if you were just playing games with a future you weren’t ready for.” His shoulders relaxed. “Maybe it’s finally time.”
Words left me. Just completely vanished from my head.
“I was you once.” He leaned back in his chair. “I loved your mother more than was wise, and what did it get me?”
“Christ, did everyone see what I couldn’t when it came to me and Ally?” I exhaled. “What I didn’t have the balls to acknowledge?”
“You were smart enough to tread gently. Because you knew. You understood that once you committed to her, there was no going back.”
I wasn’t sure he was saying that as a positive thing, but I nodded. “You’re right. There isn’t. I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Coming clean didn’t scare me anymore. The truth just filled me with a sense of rightness. Like I’d been traveling down a road with my headlights off, and now I’d finally turned them on.
My future was right in front of me, and all I had to do was reach out and take it. And nurture it, and care for it, and protect it with everything I was.
My father nodded and steepled his hands over the folder in his lap. “Does she feel the same?”
“I don’t know. I hope so. I think so maybe.” I blew out a breath. “But if she doesn’t, I’m a patient man. I’ll just keep at her until she has no choice.”
He surprised me by laughing. “Stubborn to a fault, you and your brother.”
Questions sprung to my mind about what he’d said about my mother having a child with another man, questions I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear the answers to. Not now. Today Ally and Laurie and our future family was where my head was at. As well as my heart.
“Yeah. Not too bright when it comes to pleasing a woman either,” I added. My father coughed and I smiled. “Not like that. We’re both good there. Well, I know I am. He’s probably just all talk.”
“He is about most things.”
My smile grew. “I meant more about saying the words, giving out the romance. I kinda suck at that.”
“Oprah,” he said gravely.
I laughed. “What?”
“She told women not to settle. Now they all want a free car and a fairytale.”
Back to that again. Obviously, the universe was trying to send me a message. I was listening.
“If any woman deserves one, it’s Ally. She deserves the grand dream, all wrapped up in a big bow.”
Maybe I did too.
I reached for my phone. I had some preparations to make before the reunion. Good thing I had money to burn, because I’d have to move fast.
It was fucking fairytale time.
Nineteen
I snagged my keys on the way out the door. My phone was in my back pocket, but it was off. I wasn’t stupid enough to go out without it, but I didn’t
want to talk to anyone. All the voices were too confusing.
Sage and her effervescent positivity.
Seth and his seductive laugh rolled in innuendo and faint promises.
Laurie and her wide smiles and happiness.
All of it was too much. I didn’t know which to trust, especially when my own voice was so very silent. Tucked in like a turtle in front of a predator. The problem was, I didn’t know where to turn, so the shell seemed prudent. Only my shell was Seth’s house.
Again.
This one—one of the half dozen properties his family owned on the cove—wasn’t often used. It was known as the Mistress House after one of the Hamilton men who kept his affairs away from the main house. Hell, Seth’s dad may have done that too. Now it mostly lay empty and served as one of the few places I could be alone in this town. The small-town vibe of everyone in and out of each other’s business was generally a comfort to me, but right now, every person I ran into wanted to know when Seth and I were going to get married and make babies.
How that little tidbit had gotten around, I had no clue. But I figured a certain blond might have something to do with it. The diner was the center of the town in more ways than one, and remarking on Seth’s skills in the sack to several patrons certainly hadn’t helped my cause.
Not that it mattered. No one could actually have a fling in this town.
Even if the mere idea of a fling and Seth in the same sentence made my chest tighten.
He’d never been that for me, even when I wanted him to be. When the idea of making a kid with him took hold, there’d been little hope for my heart to truly stay mine. It had always been his, but only I’d known it. That had been somehow easier than this.
All my dreams and happiness were wrapped up in his little girl and the man himself. I wasn’t sure I could face all of that again. Loving him could be the one thing that would actually break me.
I hiked up the grassy hill into the trees and the path that rounded Crescent Cove. The house was beautiful, but not as pristine as the other Hamilton holdings. But that didn’t much matter when it came to the view. The lake, the town, and the little gazebo looked picturesque from this vantage point. The sun glittered off the lake. No mirror sheen here. No, our cove was choppy and a bit wild. It suited me right to the ground.
The idea of moving out of Crescent Cove killed me. Because if things didn’t work out between us, I’d have to leave. I wouldn’t be able to face seeing him in town. My hand slid over my flat belly. Especially if there was a child growing inside me. Would he get what he wanted and be done with me? Or just keep me around in a mother capacity?
Would I be forever on the outside looking in?
I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to do that. Even though I wanted a family so very much, I wasn’t sure I could take half-measures now.
I’d hiked these hills for days and still couldn’t find an answer. So many fears churned inside me, and they were often the loudest voices of all.
Looking away from the town and the water, I caught sight of the little abandoned church on the far side of the cove. The only thing there now was the cemetery. The town had taken the church in the center square as their own many years ago, but the cemetery had always been up away from the lake.
I hadn’t been there since we’d buried my mom that one sunny day. I’d been at peace about her leaving me. Mostly because the woman I’d loved had left long before. Even at the end when her body had turned on her so completely, she’d had a sweet smile until the very end.
She just hadn’t been my mom.
I ducked through the trees and up the less used path to the little church. There was an old dirt road that the processionals used, but I didn’t want to drive. The stretch of muscles and the sun helped the nausea that had been living inside me for the last week. Another thing I wasn’t quite ready to face.
As evidenced by the plastic bag tucked away in my knapsack at the Hamilton camp. The one burning a hole in the worn canvas.
I’d traveled two towns over to buy it, visiting a nearby city where no one knew who I was. I’d wrapped the box in two bags and shoved it deep down. Fitting since all I ever did was shove things down so I didn’t have to look at them.
It was getting really tiresome.
I lifted my face to the sun and uncapped the water bottle at my hip. Even if I didn’t want an answer just quite yet, I wasn’t stupid. A few signs might add up to nothing. Or a damn lot.
One of those signs was that a few hours in the summer sun could put me down like a puppy. So I guzzled down half the bottle and stuck it back in its little holster. I kept hiking, taking a shortcut up across the path instead of using the lazy walking trail.
Right then, it felt more important to get to the little hill under the Japanese maple at the far side of the cemetery. The headstones came into view and my chest ached. I ran my fingertips over the old stones at the front. The mausoleum to the left with Hamilton engraved across the top told the history of our town better than any story in the library.
Huge. Moneyed. Overwhelming.
I turned away from the testament to privilege and status and headed toward the edges of the cemetery where the plots were smaller, but no less taken care of. I aimed right for the ivory angel standing guard over my mom’s grave. She was small and fairy-like beside the simple marker with her name and the dates. I brushed away the leaves and tugged out a few weeds before dropping cross-legged in front of her headstone.
“Hi, Mom.”
I didn’t even know what I really wanted to say, but it felt good to say hello. I cleared my throat. “I hope you can hear me. Even if you can’t, I’ll just pretend. I’m good at that.” I dashed away a tear I hadn’t realized was rolling down my cheek. “So I did a thing. I swore I wouldn’t, but I did it anyway. I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I look back now and wonder how I lasted as long as I did. Actually, that’s probably one more lie I’ve told myself.” I laughed before leaning forward to brush away dust on the base of her headstone. “I love him, Ma. So much that it scares the crap out of me. Like my chest feels overfull with it. And his little girl? God. She’s the sweetest thing. She’s gotten so big since you’ve seen her.”
I dashed away another tear. “I think you’d remember her. Seth used to bring her to see you, but I know the stuff they gave you had you really out of it.”
But I remembered the smiles. Whenever Laurie came over, there was always a smile on my mom’s face. Of course, that little girl brought sunshine with her everywhere.
My little girl.
She was mine for all intents and purposes.
Just like Seth.
I bowed my head as the tears kept flowing. They didn’t hurt though. Crying finally felt freeing. “I miss you so much. Sage is good to talk to for most of this mess I’m in, but I miss crawling up next to you on the couch and letting you play with my hair while you told me everything was going to work out. Because I’m so afraid it won’t. I’m not sure I could bear it if he doesn’t feel the same.”
But it really felt like an empty fear. There was so much in my head. The touches, the laughter, the little moments with Laurie.
And then me running.
Always running away when things got too big, felt like too much.
Instead of staying to see how things went, I escaped before the answers could hurt me.
I tipped my head back to the sun and the breeze lifted my hair to whip my ponytail around. I laughed and brushed back the tears. “Okay, I got it.”
If I didn’t stick around, I wouldn’t have to face reality.
The reality of asking for more. Of deserving more. I brushed my hand over my middle. For hoping for more.
“I think I’m finally creating a family of my own, Mom.” I huffed out a laugh when the breeze whirled around me and leaves danced. “I know I am.” I pressed my palm to the cool marble stone. “I know you always loved him. And you probably knew I did this whole time too.”
I sniffed as the tears dried and t
he sun peeked from the clouds that were ever present thanks to the lake. I spun around and leaned against my mother’s headstone and let the sun soak into my bones. It was peaceful here and that feeling had been a rare commodity in my life lately.
When a handful of people came to pay their respects to their own families, I stood and brushed off my pants. I kissed my fingertips and touched the angel then the marker. “Keep watch over her.”
I went for the winding road this time. Then followed it down to the little picnic area to feed the bold ducks who swarmed the children. By the time I’d gotten to the little cabin I’d been hiding in, I was finally hungry.
I climbed the back steps to the kitchen and unearthed the peanut butter crackers I’d brought with me. It was the only thing that didn’t seem to annoy my touchy stomach.
Cleaning up was definitely in order. I was dusty from the trails and sweaty from the sticky humidity clinging to the air. I grabbed my bag on my way down the hall to the small room with black and white tiles. My shower was infinitely more luxurious. The bathroom in the apartment I shared with Sage—sort of, considering I spent most of my time with Seth or working—had two shower heads and steamed up to a life-changing level. But the ancient claw-footed tub would do for today.
In fact…
I dug into one of the lower cabinets and found an old bath bomb I’d left there a few summers ago. The girls from the diner had given me a big spa kit to relax. Since I wasn’t really great at relaxing, I’d left it here when I’d done an overnight with Laurie.
The only kind of camping I’d ever do was spending a night in this cabin.
I filled the tub and dropped the purple cake of soap into the water. It fuzzed and bubbled, releasing the sweet scent of lilacs and vanilla. I turned on my phone for music and flicked away the dozen messages that came through. I wasn’t quite ready to face all my realities just yet.
I shrugged off my clothes and stepped into the scalding water with a hiss.
Nope, it was time for some Keith Urban and a bath to clear my head of the last of the cobwebs. I had to allow myself to really think through my options.
