“Sounds like it would behoove people to have someone knowledgeable about the island with them.”
“It does help. Hawaii is a beautiful place, but also very dangerous. Even deadly.”
Kaillar handed her the cup of coffee, and then led her over to a railing that looked down upon the terminal below. “You know firsthand about that.” It was a statement, not a question.
Becca sipped her coffee and nodded sadly, “Yeah. I do.”
“Will you tell me about it? Not right this minute,” he told her when she started to deny him with a shake of her head. “Just…sometime while we’re here, will you talk to me about what happened? Something tells me you haven’t done that with many people.”
Becca looked down and murmured, “No one actually.” She looked up at him, her eyes growing slightly watery and she cleared her throat, “People think they know what happened that day, but no one truly does. Not that’s still alive to talk about it. They all just assumed…,” she cleared her throat again. “I haven’t talked to anyone about that day.”
“Why not?” Kaillar asked softly, amazement in his voice.
“What difference would it have truly made? The only people that mattered thought I was guilty, and I am. Just not for the reasons they believe. But the reasons don’t change the fact that because of me, and my actions, my brother is dead.”
“You might be surprised at how ….”
“No. Nothing will ever make this better.” She glanced up, and saw Kalino standing by the charter desk, waving to them. “Looks like he’s ready to go.”
Kai watched her carefully for a moment and then nodded, as if he’d agreed to her silent request to change the subject. He stepped up close to her, searching her eyes for some hidden answer, “You don’t sound all that thrilled about going home.”
“No.”
When she didn’t elaborate, he touched her shoulder, “Becca, if there’s anything I can do…”
“There’s not. I mean, having you here is helping already.” When he continued to look at her in grave concern, she attempted a smile, “I’m fine. Tired. Hungry. And in need of a shower, but I’ll be fine. Stop looking so worried.”
“I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you,” he murmured. “Gracie would probably…”
“Gracie would be too emotional and trust me, that’s not what I need right now.” I thought I wanted Gracie with me, but she would force me to deal with the emotions, and I’d be a bawling mess by now, and probably for the rest of my stay. I need to be strong, get through the funeral, and then get back to Colorado where I can bury all of these useless emotions once again.
Chapter 6
She finished walking across the tiled terminal floor to meet Kalino, offering him up a forced smile. She could see the worry and questions in his eyes, but after dealing with Kaillar’s questions, she didn’t have anything left in her defenses. She sent a silent plea up that he would leave things alone.
“You all ready to fly?” Kalino asked with a big smile, seeing the worry on Becca’s face, and knowing she was afraid he was going to force her to talk about the past. He wasn’t sure what she’d been doing for the last four years, but dealing with the past didn’t seem to be one of them.
He owed it to Kevin to help his sister while she was here, but not right now. She looked exhausted and he could see she was teetering on the edge of losing control. He’d be patient and when the time was right, he’d do what he could to help her heal. But he couldn’t let her think that he didn’t care. That he hadn’t thought about her and wondered how she was doing. He had to at least let her know that much before they flew home.
Becca nodded her head, “Ready as I’ve ever been.”
Kalino’s eyes clouded at the trepidation he heard in her voice. He met her just before she went through the doorway, lowering his voice, “Becca, I never got a chance to say how sorry I was about Kevin. Things were so crazy, and I…”
Becca shook her head at him, “You were in a coma. I waited to leave until I knew you were going to be all right, but I couldn’t stay any longer. It was just too hard.”
Kalino nodded, “It took me a long time before I could go back out on a board. I still think about him every time I do.”
Becca felt tears sting her eyes, and she wiped them away with a hand, “Thanks for being his friend. He was happiest when he was with you out on the water.” She took a deep breath, and then stood up a little taller, “I’m ready to go home.”
“Then let’s do this thing.” Kalino gave Kaillar a nod of his head, and then he led the way out to his twin engine, fixed prop, Cessna plane with the bright hibiscus flower painted on the side.
“Nice ride,” Kaillar commented, ducking his head as he climbed into the seating area behind Becca. With her diminutive figure, she’d had no trouble entering the small aircraft, but his height wasn’t nearly as kind. At 6’6” tall, he was always having to watch bumping his head in places others didn’t. The plane presented a new problem, in that he couldn’t stand up completely even once he cleared the doors.
He quickly chose a seat directly across from Becca, glad for the opportunity to sit, rather than stoop.
“Not much head room back there, sorry,” Kalino called from where he sat in the pilot’s seat.
“No worries,” Kaillar assured him. His phone buzzed, and he quickly turned it off.
“One of your brothers?” Becca asked.
“Yeah. Justin’s called twice now, wanting to make sure we arrived safely and to see how you’re doing.” He looked at her, and then lowered his voice, “What do I answer?”
“About how I’m doing?” she asked, waiting for his nod before she thought for a moment. “Well, I’m sure he’s only asking because the girls are. Tell him I’m fine and that we should be back in a couple of days.”
A couple of days? “Really? You don’t want to stick around and help your mom?”
Becca turned her head to the window and shrugged, “I doubt she would want my help. Things between us weren’t good when I left.”
Kaillar was quiet for a moment and then asked, “Is this about your brother?”
“Partially. So many things happened at the same time, and my mother was grieving. We all were, but I think my brother’s death hit her harder than the rest of us.” She shook her head, “I’d rather not dredge all that up again.”
Kaillar nodded his head, “I’m here if you need to talk. Why don’t you tell me about this resort you grew up on?”
Becca nodded; taking the opportunity he was giving her to change the subject. “Well, it started out as a large beach house and over the years, my grandparents built additional bungalow style living units on the property. At one point in time, it was a pineapple farm, but they discovered there was much more money to be made catering to tourists than there was in growing pineapples.”
“Are your grandparents still alive?”
“No. They both died when I was little. My grandmother passed first, when I was in the fifth grade. It was the first funeral I’d ever gone to, and I was a little mystified that everyone seemed so happy. I remember sitting up in the trees watching everyone eat and laugh, wondering why no one was crying. I felt like crying.”
“Funerals are tough on kids,” Kaillar commented.
“Yeah. Anyway, my mom found me and explained to me that sadness served no purpose. It wouldn’t bring them back, and it only made getting on with living harder. I believed her, and when my grandfather passed away a few years later, I joined in the festivities and tried not to feel sad.”
“But you were?”
“I was. My dad was too. He hid it well, but I would find him sometimes late at night, standing in the backyard with tears streaming down his face. He never knew I saw him, and he always composed himself before he came back inside.”
“Crying wasn’t acceptable to your father?” Kaillar asked, wondering if she’d learned to hide her emotions from him.
“Not to a man. I think that’s why my brother and he fought so often. My father spent his entire adult life hiding his emotions away from the world, while my brother wore his heart on his sleeve for all to see.”
Kalino had been listening to the conversation and interjected, “Kevin was the coolest kid in school. Smart. Athletic. Good looking. All of the guys were jealous of him.”
Kaillar asked, “He was younger than you?” When she nodded, he asked, “By how much?”
“Five years. Mom had a couple of miscarriages, and she always said Kevin was her miracle baby.”
“What did she say about you?” Kaillar wanted to know.
Becca looked at him and then away, mumbling, “I’m the one who broke her heart.”
Kalino heard her, turned his head, and shook it, “You know that’s not entirely true. Your mom doted on you. Whatever you think you know, remember you left before anyone had time to heal. Your mom was grieving and continued to do so, not only for Kevin, but because you’d left.”
Becca stared at him, “That’s not true. They were glad when I left. They didn’t have the constant reminder of how much I’d cost them.”
Kalino made an angry sound, and then faced front again, “If I weren’t flying this plane, I’d shake you for saying something so stupid. Your parents loved you, and Kevin, so much.”
Becca fell silent, Kalino’s threat sliding off her shoulders as if it had never been uttered. She wasn’t afraid of him, but he seemed very angry over her perception of things.
Kaillar wasn’t quite so ready to let the subject drop. He felt the conversation needed to continue, so he pressed, “What’s he talking about?”
“Remember that whole, I don’t want to talk about this right now, conversation we had just a few short minutes ago?” When he nodded, she continued, “That’s what he’s talking about.”
“The conversation you never had with anyone.” He stated it as fact, not a question.
Becca sighed, “Yeah. That one.”
Kaillar looked at her, and then spoke to Kalino, “Do you know what happened?” He tried not to notice the look of defeat on Becca’s face. He needed to know what he was walking into, and since she wouldn’t tell him, he’d ask someone else. Someone who seemed to be intimately acquainted with the entire situation. Whatever the situation was.
Chapter 7
Kalino looked at him and asked, “The day her brother died?”
Kaillar nodded, “I think that’s the day I’m talking about. The day that she isn’t.”
Kalino gave Becca a sad look. An apologetic look that said he was sorry, “You let them all believe the worst, didn’t you?” He was remembering the bruising on her cheek and around her throat. No doubt, she had allowed them to assume the worst. “Tell me you didn’t protect him,” he demanded, even this many years later, he was not willing to give Dagan a pass on his deplorable behavior.
“I didn’t have to, no one asked. They automatically assumed.” She answered him woodenly, her gaze fixed out the small window.
“What, that you’d let him have his way with you? How did you explain the bruises around your throat?” Kalino demanded, trying to calm down so he didn’t crash them into the ocean below. The emotions of that day were bubbling up, and he strove to keep them in perspective. Something Becca obviously hadn’t done.
“My mom was the only one who seemed to notice them, and her looks said it all. Whatever had happened was entirely my fault, and mine alone. She’d warned me about Dagan…”
“Wait a minute!” Kaillar interjected, his mind scrambling to keep up with the conversation. He turned to Becca and demanded with his eyes and his voice, “Bruises around your throat?”
“It’s not what you think…,” she tried to calm him down, looking at him with a haunted look in her eyes that was a knife to his heart.
“That’s good, because I’m thinking this Dagan character deserved to be beaten to a pulp.”
“The ocean did that for you. Thanks,” Becca told him sarcastically before turning her head away once again. She was tired of this conversation, because it was getting nowhere. The facts didn’t change the outcome. Her brother had blamed Dagan for her condition, and gone after him. She’d not been able to stop him, and both of them had lost their lives.
Kaillar watched her shields come up, and mentally kicked himself. Kalino met his eyes briefly, and then began to tell him about that day’s tragic events. By the time he was finished telling the story, Becca had tears running down her face, and Kalino was speaking to the tower at the Hilo airport in preparation for landing.
Kaillar reached over and grabbed her hand, holding on tight when she tried to tug it away. “Shush. Becca, I don’t know what’s been going through your head, but as soon as we can, you need to call Gracie and talk with her about this. You’ve been hiding for four years from something that should have been dealt with immediately. I’m sorry that the people in your life let you down.”
Becca took a shuddery breath as she struggled for control, “No, you have it all wrong.” She looked at him, and the sadness in her eyes broke his heart. “I let them down. I was older, and should have taken steps to protect Kevin. I should have never gone down to the beach. He was only fourteen and…”
“It doesn’t matter. You should have had someone in your life you could talk to about what Dagan did. He hurt you, and if you never say what happened, he gets away with it.”
“He’s dead! He’s not getting away with anything!” she insisted.
Kaillar shook his head, “That’s where you’re wrong. If you don’t explain what happened, at least to one person, he does get away with it. In your own mind, he gets away with it because it’s a secret you have to keep locked away; along with all of the bitterness and pain it brought to your life.”
Becca shook her head, “I tried that. The counselor was kind enough to affirm that my guilt was right where it belonged. I’d acted without a care for my own well-being, leading Dagan on, and the aftermath of that decision cost my brother his life.”
Kalino was furious that anyone would dare to let her believe that the events of four years ago were her fault. She was the victim! But he couldn’t have this conversation with her, because the tower was responding and they were getting ready to land.
He clenched his jaw for a moment, and then let out a breath, “We’re landing. Hang on,” Kalino called from the cockpit.
Becca was grateful for the interruption, but as they landed and retrieved their luggage, Kaillar’s words kept replaying in her mind. Had she really let Dagan off the hook by not telling anyone what had really happened? In effect, she’d protected his memory from being tainted by his horrible actions. She’d saved others from having to face the reality that their friend and family member wasn’t honorable or the cool guy they’d idolized. He was an abuser, and she had no doubt in her mind that if the park ranger hadn’t arrived when he did, he would have been able to add rapist to his list of crimes.
Kaillar watched her, as did Kalino, but neither of them said anything more on the subject. She was left to muddle through her own thoughts; trying to make sense of what was real and what was the result of hiding the truth for so long. Would speaking the truth to someone about that day be what she needed to finally heal? Someone who wasn’t there to judge her, but just listen and possibly, maybe…agree that she’d been the victim? Kaillar and Kalino thought that way. Well, they sounded as if they thought that way, but then again, they didn’t know all the facts. They didn’t know that she’d willingly gone with Dagan. That would change everything.
She had no doubt in her mind that Gracie would feel the same way. Gracie had told her time and again that the attack in the parking garage wasn’t her fault. That she was the victim. But the counselor… Who was right?
She wanted to move on with her life so badly, but she’d only ever made it so far. Maybe Kaillar was right, and she needed to call Gracie and confide in her. She couldn’t
confide in either Kalino or Kaillar. It wasn’t because she didn’t think they would understand, it was simply her own fear of judgment from that quarter. She didn’t think it would make things any worse, but she was beginning to really like Kaillar, and didn’t want to jeopardize that by showing him how stupid she’d been.
If she was going to put herself back out there and risk judgment again, she’d choose the source she was almost positive would be supportive. She couldn’t trust a stranger to do that. Not again.
No, she’d talk to Gracie, and that would be the end of it. She wasn’t sure when that would happen, but if today was any indication, she needed to make the call sooner than later.
“So, you two want a ride to Opihikao?” Kalino asked after following them into the terminal.
Becca shook her head, “No. We’ll take a taxi out. Thanks for the lift.” Kalino had told her that he lived on the opposite side of Hilo, and she didn’t want to take him any further out of his way.
“You don’t have to thank me,” Kalino told her, pulling her close for a hug before releasing her. “E komo mai. Welcome home, sister. Welcome home.”
“Thanks. Come by later. I’m sure mom will be happy to see you.”
“I will. Kaillar, it was good to meet you. Take care of her, and don’t let her take too much on those tiny shoulders. Guilt is a horrible thing to wrap around one’s neck. Just remember that, Becca.”
She walked away, stepping out of the terminal to hail the first cab she could find. She was done discussing the past, and trying to focus on the difficult task that lie before her. Hopefully, the community had gathered around her mother to make the funeral preparations easier. There would be a burial ceremony, but the feast and party afterwards would be the hardest for both of them to bear. Becca didn’t want to hear the drums beating happily along, or hear the people laughing as they danced and ate the food so soon after he father’s body had been placed in the ground. She understood about celebrating a person’s life, but somehow she would much prefer a more quiet remembrance than a party type of atmosphere.
Kaillar (Three Brothers Lodge #3) Page 4
