by Kate Keir
He spoke then, and his words comforted me in a way no others had ever been able to since my father was taken. “As you know, the Battle of the Weeping Stones took thousands of lives. It was probably the biggest battle of the last hundred years. I never intended to send your father to fight in it. He had been with us a week when the battle started, and he knew nothing of war. He wasn’t ready, and I knew he would die.”
Lifting my head from the stone, I couldn’t help but ask the question that had burned inside me for five years. “Then why? Why did you send him?”
I thought I could hear a smile in his voice as he continued. “Because your family have a distinct track record of doing things they are told not to, little goddess.”
I frowned at that, but he didn’t see it because he was still standing behind me.
“We were losing the battle. I had pretty much given up hope. We had four thousand men I had refused to use because they were untrained, and it would have been like sending lambs to the slaughter. But they staged a revolt, in the best way possible. They picked up any weapons they could lay their hands on, and they came to us, and they fought with us, and they turned the tide of battle in our favour. I owe my life to your father and those brave men.”
My father was a hero. I couldn’t believe it. I had thought that he would have been an unknown here. That nobody would have remembered him. “Why did they do it?” I whispered softly.
“I met your father on the field, Nyssa, just before he was lost. He told me that he knew we were fighting for the right reasons. To protect Ankh Shdaar and that he couldn’t stand back and do nothing. He told me that he would do anything to protect his family. Even giving his life if necessary.”
I was completely undone, I couldn’t believe this man was possibly the last person to ever speak to my father, couldn’t believe that he remembered him after all of this time.
I felt his other hand on my shoulder as he knelt down behind me, and whispered into my ear. “Speak with your father, little goddess. It has been too long. I will give you some time alone together. But I am here if you need me.” Rising, he walked a short distance away. Far enough to give me privacy but close enough that I could still feel him there, waiting for me.
I rested my head against the stone once more, and I cried for my father, my mother and brother, and for myself. I cried for the man I had unjustly hated and blamed for his death for so long. Then, after I could cry no more, I began to talk to my father.
“I love you father.” I said. “We all do, and we have missed you so much. Mother and Haydyn are well. Or they were last time I saw them. Haydyn is a blacksmith now, and he has grown so tall. I know you would be proud of him, father. He tried to protect his family just as you did. I wish that I could have come sooner. If I had known that you were here, I would have. I swear.” As I talked to him, I wondered what he would have told me to do in my current situation. If he knew that Odyn was a good man and he gave his life to help him win the battle, then surely, he would tell me that it was all right to love him and to support him in any small way I could.
I spoke to him again, asking a question I knew he couldn’t answer. “Father, what should I do? I love them both, and I know that’s wrong of me. I fell in love with Astarin and I gave myself to him fully. But that was before I really knew Lord Odyn. I didn’t know how brave and selfless he is. He has given everything he has and everything he is to save us all from Faryn Tarnfell, and nobody even knows it except me, Astarin, and Bernhardt. I know he loves me. I can see it in the way he looks at me and I love him too. Bernhardt thinks that I can make him happy, that I can help him to be a better king. But father, how do I choose between them? I don’t know the way anymore.”
The tears came hard and fast then. I cried not just for my father and my family but for myself and Odyn and Astarin. How could I refuse either of them before they went to war? I might lose one of them or, gods forbid, even both of them, and how could I live with myself if I didn’t give them a reason to return to Castle Kytara. My mind went back to my childhood, and I saw myself as a dirty-footed tomboy, running around with the local boys and scraping my knees when I fought with them. I had been quite fond of one. He was always mean to me, and every time he made me cry, I would go to my father and ask him what to do.
The answer would be the same as always. No matter what I asked him, he would always tell me the same thing. “You have to follow your heart, little one.”
I would always argue with him, because that is my nature. “But if my heart tells me I like him and then he’s mean to me, my heart must be wrong, so that’s stupid.” I would say stubbornly as I sat, tear-streaked on his knee.
He would laugh and lift me up in the air, twirling me around and say. “But if you truly listened to your heart, then perhaps you wouldn’t like him so much in the first, place, Little Nyssa.”
And then I would forget how unhappy I was and I would laugh with him, throwing my arms around his neck and telling him, “I love you papa, I love you.” And he would say it back to me as he twirled me, and we laughed together.
I smiled through the tears as I remembered my father, and for the first time in a long time I realised, I could be happy when I thought of him. Instead of that familiar sadness, I was filled with happy memories and an urge to go on living my life, for him. To help create the future he had wanted for his family when he sacrificed his own life. I wasn’t going to worry about the future. I was going to live to make the most of next few weeks or days before Astarin and Odyn left for battle. I kissed the headstone again and whispered, “Goodbye, father, I’ll come back soon, I promise.” I rose and turned to make my way back to where Odyn waited for me.
When I reached him, he took my hand in his and kissed it gently. “I should have brought you here sooner. I’m sorry,” he said.
“I’m here now, and you have no idea how much it means to me.” I told him as he let go of my hand.
“Did you tell him everything you needed to, little goddess?” He smiled at me, and I could see by the look in his eyes, he was glad he had finally told me the truth of my father’s death.
“Yes, I did. Can I come back again? I would like to bring flowers for him.”
He suddenly became serious, before stepping forward and wrapping his arms around me, pulling me against him.
His face was so close to mine that all I could see was the dark depths of his eyes. I noticed with a start that they weren’t actually black. They were the darkest brown they could possibly be, but not black as I had thought before. “Nyssa, you are not my captive. I thought you knew that by now. You are free to go wherever you wish and whenever you wish it. If you wish to return home, then of course you can. I will give you a horse and an escort to see you there safely.”
I was shocked, and I tried to pull back from his arms. Was he telling me to go? Did he no longer want me to stay at Castle Kytara?
I should have been delighted to hear I was free to go back to my family, but inside I felt cold and scared and like a small part of me had suddenly disappeared. I started to speak, but he stopped me with a finger to my lips
“I know what you think, and the answer is no. I don’t want you to go home. I don’t want to be without you. You are something that I never expected to have in my life, Nyssa. You are the one pure and good thing that I have known in a lifetime of darkness. I am changed by you, and I can never be who I once was again. I love you, little goddess.”
I trembled as he said it, feeling the truth and honesty of his words. In that moment, I realised I loved him too. I had loved him for a lot longer than I had let myself believe. Astarin had been right. I didn’t know when it had happened, but I wasn’t here with him because Bernhardt had asked me, or because I wanted to convince him to live and to be King of Ankh Shdaar. It was so much simpler than that. Standing on tiptoes, I leaned up to him and whispered, “I love you too.” As I placed my lips against his, he sighed, almost as though he were in pain. Then pulling me to him even tighter than before, he kisse
d me back, and I could almost feel the last of our walls and defences come crashing down together.
We didn’t hear the hoof beats until they were almost on top of us. But as the noise grew louder, we both registered that someone was there, and as we pulled away from each, other I saw Astarin reining his horse into a sharp stop just a few feet away from us. He had seen us, but he didn’t look angry just worried. “Ast, what is it?” Odyn’s face mirrored the worry on his General’s, and he was right to be concerned.
Astarin didn’t dismount, just sat in the saddle, and said. “Tarnfell’s moving. We are at war, brother.”
The ride back to the castle passed in a terrifying blur. Odyn almost threw me into the saddle. Swinging up behind me, he pushed the destrier so hard the horse was gasping by the time we galloped into the courtyard. There was no time for goodbyes as both men dismounted and headed inside to prepare to leave.
I made my way back to my room in a daze. So many thoughts ran through my head. I wanted to go with them. I felt like if I just kept them both in sight, then they couldn’t be taken from me. I knew neither man would agree to me going, and I also knew that if I did go I would put them in greater danger. It was a childish thought and I wouldn’t act on it, but I was so afraid of losing them I could barely breathe.
I arrived at my room, and closed the red door behind me. I walked to my bed and sat down heavily. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I needed a distraction. I was provided with one when the door flew open and Gidren came running in and threw herself onto the bed next to me. She was sobbing. “Nyssa, I don’t know what to do. They’re leaving so soon and, and Kip has to go. He’s only going to cook, but he’s going to be at war and anything might happen. I might lose him and we aren’t even married yet.”
It all felt totally surreal to me. As if in a dream, I slowly lay back on the bed next to her and started to stroke her brown hair. “Ssshh,” I soothed. “It’s going to be okay, Gidren. Kip won’t be anywhere near the fighting. He’ll be safe, and he’s going to come home to you and marry you, and you’ll have children and live happily ever after.”
She looked up at me in horror. “Oh, Nyssa. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think. I’m so selfish,” she wailed. “Lord Odyn will be at the forefront of the fighting. You must be so scared, and here’s me crying like a babe.”
“You’re not selfish.” I told her. “You’re scared and so am I. But we have to be strong, Gidren. That is the only way we can support them. We have to be brave, and when we wave them goodbye, we have to tell them we will see them very soon. We have to give them a reason to return to us.”
Her eyes went wide with fear, but she managed a small smile. “Nyssa, you’re so brave. You will make the most wonderful queen that Ankh Shdaar has ever seen.”
My mind wandered at the thought, knowing what she said was dependent on Faryn Tarnfell getting himself killed and Odyn finally seeing sense and accepting the crown. Even then, was I going to agree to become his queen? Or had I been lying to him this whole time? What would I say to Astarin when he returned and asked me to marry him?
I chided myself, thinking like this wasn’t going to help me. It could be weeks before we heard word back on the success or failure of our army, and I would lose my mind if I kept tormenting myself with what would happen after they came back. I had to focus on right now. I had to. “Gidren, why aren’t you with Kip?” I suddenly realised that he would likely be packing his belongings right now. He needed her there. He was only young, and he must have been so terribly afraid.
“I-I didn’t know what to say to him.” She looked ashamed
“You have to go to him, Gidren. He needs you right now.”
She nodded at me, and wiped her face before standing to leave. “Will you be ok, Nyssa?” she asked me as she reached the door.
“I will.” I answered. It was mostly true.
After she left, I went to my bathing chamber and splashed cold water on my face. I felt shaky and a little sick. Now that Gidren was gone, I didn’t have to pretend anymore. I stumbled as I came back through to the bed chamber. I didn’t want to do the next part. I didn’t want to say goodbye. Just as I was about to crawl onto my bed and bury my face into the covers, there was a knock at my door and Astarin walked in. I covered the room in a leap and threw myself into his arms, but I was careful not to cry. He needed me to be strong.
“Sweetheart, I don’t have much time. We leave in minutes. But I had to see you before I left.”
“Minutes?” I buried my head into his shoulder. No, no, no, my mind screamed at me. It’s too soon, too soon. I can’t do it yet.
Gently he disentangled himself from me and stepped back. He reached out and took my face in his hands. “Nyssa, listen to me. You have to listen.” He was so serious, and I nodded obediently. “If we lose this war. You know what that means. It means Faryn Tarnfell will become King of Ankh Shdaar.” I started to interrupt him. I didn’t want him to think of losing when he was just about to leave for battle. But he growled at me, and I quieted as he continued. “Everyone here knows that you are Odyn’s mistress, and I think you know there is a history between Faryn and Odyn.”
I remembered back to what Bernhardt had told me, and I shuddered as I began to understand.
His voice was even more urgent now. “As soon as Faryn wins, if he does, he will make his way here. Kytara has always been the seat of the King of Ankh Shdaar. He will come here to be crowned, and if he knows you are Odyn’s then you would be better dead, sweetheart. As soon as you hear word that it is lost for us, you must run, Nyssa. Run back to your family and then once you have them, carry on running until you are all safe in Barth or Aestaryn.”
I looked at him, wanting to remember his face, his eyes and the scent of him. I had to take in every part of his face. I was losing my fight with my tears.
He shook me. “Nyssa, I’m not going to stop until you say yes. Tell me you understand and you will run.”
Burying myself back into him, I said, “Yes, I will. I promise. But you have to promise not to lose. You have to promise to come back to me, Astarin. I love you, and you have to come back.”
I felt him relax, and he lifted my chin with his fingers. “I promise.” Then he kissed me. It was a soft kiss, gentle and loving. It was a promise in itself. I lost myself to him completely, wanting to remember him like this forever if I ever needed to. And then, too soon he pulled away and with a sad smile, he said, “It’s time, sweetheart. I have to go.”
We walked together to the courtyard, where all of the lieutenants of Lord Odyn’s army waited for their General and their Valhar. The army was amassed outside the castle. It was huge. I looked on approvingly—it had to be enough.
Knowing that we couldn’t show any further affection in public, Astarin gently brushed his fingers against mine and whispered, “Goodbye, sweetheart.” Then, he mounted his horse, and the only person we were waiting for was Odyn. When he appeared and walked down the castle steps, his men cheered him, and I was glad to see they were leaving in good spirits. He looked like Asmodeus, the God of War, in his full battle armour. He was terrible and fierce and beautiful. Odyn walked straight toward me and took me completely by surprise when he knelt before me, taking my hand as he did.
“My lady, I will return to you I swear. We will be victorious and you will always be safe, for as long as I draw breath.” He was speaking as a king to a queen, I knew. It was all for the benefit of the watching crowd, and so I replied in the same way. “My lord, I will await your return and pray to Shyara day and night for your victory.” The men cheered again at that.
Standing, he took my hand and leaned forward to plant a chaste kiss on my lips. “I love you, little goddess,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” I answered, and then he left me.
Mounting his horse, he shouted to his general and lieutenants. “Let’s go and kick Faryn Tarnfell’s ass.” They went wild at that and despite myself, I smiled.
I felt a hand grasp mine, and I rea
lised it was Gidren. She was crying, so I wrapped my arm around her. “I was brave, Nyssa. I didn’t cry in front of him.”
“Well done,” I replied as I held her. And then they were moving, and I watched as first Odyn and then Astarin disappeared underneath the gateway and out of my view.
It took over an hour for the entire army to completely disappear from view. After they had left the castle, I ran up the stairs at breakneck speed, not wanting to waste a second of the time I had left to watch them. I quickly crossed my room and pushed open the balcony doors. Breathlessly, I leaned as far forward as I could against the stonework of the balcony, watching the already tiny figures of Astarin and Odyn at the head of the column. My eyes were wet with tears as I watched them getting smaller and smaller until they reached the crest of the first hill and sank from my view. Even after they had disappeared, I couldn’t stop watching the rest of the men as they marched. I wondered where Kip was and if he was okay. He wasn’t made for war, not in the way that the others were.
Finally the last man crested the hill, and it was as though they had never been there at all. Now was the time that the loss and the loneliness kicked in, I turned back to look at my room but couldn’t bring myself to go inside. I had no idea what I would do next, and they had been gone less than two hours. How was I ever going to make it through weeks or even months of waiting, praying and not knowing whether they were alive or not? I realised my breathing was coming in shallow gasps and I felt faint. Stumbling back into my room, I threw myself onto my knees at the end of the bed and clasped my hands together, before closing my eyes and praying aloud.
