by J. L. Mac
“Oh and Aidan, don’t worry about not having me to keep your bed warm, you will always have that huge ass ego of yours to keep you company.”
He sat back down on the couch with his mouth gaping wide in shock at my words. I didn’t even allow him the opportunity to respond. I spun around, snatched up my purse, and headed out the front door with thoughts of winners circles, champagne, confetti, and Cheyenne on my mind. I couldn’t help but think about my seven years with him being nothing but bad luck. Like a curse of sorts. I asked myself what I could have possibly done to deserve this.
Geez Kat! You must have really been a screw up in a past life. I chuckled out loud at that thought and drove away from the home I had made with Aidan feeling very liberated.
Stressful months had passed and my split from Aidan went ahead full steam, I kept thinking about my less than good fortune in the Love Department. I came to the conclusion that my crap marriage was likely my own doing. They say if you break a mirror, you will have seven years of bad luck. I don’t think I had ever broken an actual mirror, but I definitely peered into a metaphorical mirror and saw myself reflected in true form. I was strong, willful, unbridled. I allowed the person who I knew as me, to be broken, shattered, and forgotten. My heart and soul had been beaten down into submission by circumstance and blinding lust. The person who I saw reflected after that was a distorted, lack luster impostor. My conclusion was that I deserved my bad luck for sacrificing mys
elf. Way to go Kat.
Chapter 3
Happy birthday
May, 11th, 2013. Day 214 since the dirty sock dis deaster. I sat down on the living room floor of my new place and allowed my exhausted muscles a moment of rest despite the fact that I really didn’t have time for rest. I was in a bit of a rush to get settled. I had job interviews lined up and Cheyenne would be arriving the following day. Seven months had passed since I marched out of the home that I shared with Aidan. Seven months that, with them, brought major changes to my life. Less than a month after kicking Aidan to curb I turned twenty-six. I found it extremely comical that I managed to ruin my own birthday by deciding to dive head first into a nasty split with Aidan only weeks before my birthday. It was all very fitting though. Every birthday that I celebrated with him at my side was miserable for one reason or another.
In all my eighteen year old wisdom I accepted his proposal much to my parent’s disbelief. I was their golden child, though they would never admit to it. I don’t think my three older brothers would appreciate the favoritism. I was the youngest of the four children and I was the only girl. It was a true perk. Being the only girl and the baby of the family allowed for a bounty of rule bending. My three older brothers made sure to compensate for that. I was tortured, teased, nagged, coerced, blackmailed, and pushed around on a daily basis. However, having three older brothers did have an upside. If anyone in the neighborhood dared to mess with me I had my own troop of bodyguards who didn’t mind in the slightest scuffing up any other kid on our block. I later realized how ridiculous it was that my brothers could taunt me endlessly, reducing me to seething angry tears but they were damned if anyone else tried to take pleasure in this favorite pastime of theirs. I would later be very glad for the childhood that thickened my skin. My ability to be tough when I needed to be is part of the reason I am not dead.
Birthdays nineteen through twenty-six were all complete shit! On my nineteenth birthday, my first as Aidan’s wife, I spent alone since he was away on business. I sat alone to blow out a singular candle on a store bought cupcake in our scarcely furnished apartment in Chicago, Illinois. I had been married all of four months at that point and was a southern girl living in a big city miles and miles from home. I found myself missing Texas and the Gulf coast where I was raised.
My childhood home had overlooked the bay and allowed for a breathtaking view of the water. I longed for the salty gulf breeze from the water. Every evening when the sun was low in the sky painting the horizon with vibrant hues of purple, pink, yellow, and orange the sea breeze would pick up. It came from nowhere and was a steady wind that easily kept the hair swept from your neck. It was strong and gentle, cool and warm all at once. In Chicago I was more than out of my comfort zone. I was young and alone in a new place with not a single friend to call my own. I didn’t even bother singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to myself that year. I had thought about it for a fraction of a second but instantly felt more depressed at the thought. I settled for a mumbled, “Happy birthday, Kat. Make a wish.” I licked the icing off the cupcake, ate half of it, threw the rest in the garbage, showered and went to bed, alone and homesick. That night I had vivid dreams of salt water and painted skies.
My twentieth birthday was not much different except for the fact that Aidan and I were at a very bad place in our marriage. He was distant and cold. I overheard him on ts rard himhe phone talking to his mother one day just two weeks before my birthday. I was not sure what the conversation was about until I heard words slip over his lips and they bit at my heart like a wild animal feasting on its prey. He paced the back patio of our townhome and as I went to open the door to find him, I heard his words. “Mom, I’m just not sure I even love her anymore.” My guts had twisted with disgust. My heart’s steady pace turned it into an erratic thud which reminded me of a pinball machine. My ears had filled with a ringing noise and the room spun. I never knew words could screw a person up so much. I backed away from the door as if it was moments from attacking me.
A week passed and by then the tension between us was like a third entity living in our home. He finally gained the nerve to inform me that he wanted “a break.” I was heartbroken when I called my mom to tell her what was going on. Within an hour of the phone call home I was informed that my oldest brother, Dalton and my father were flying out to retrieve me.
The very next morning, my dad and Dalton’s rental car pulled into the drive. I greeted them at the front door. My father pushed past me and disappeared into the house. He came back out a moment later with my things in hand. He tossed my things in the trunk and we were off to the airport, booked for a southbound flight to Texas. My twentieth birthday came and went during my time in Texas. I was with family but depressed nonetheless. I didn’t understand why Aidan had shoved me out of our home. My mom was the one who started digging. She gained access to our cell phone account and printed three month’s worth of bills including call logs. It was she who called me to the dining table and slid a highlighter riddled stack of papers in my direction. After seeing the evidence of Aidan’s deception my depression got worse. I confronted him about it and that’s when I discovered he had been having an affair with a woman I knew and had even invited into my home. After only four weeks in Texas, Aidan convinced me that he was sorry and he needed me home. I gave in to his request and flew home.
Stupid girl.
My twenty-first birthday had been shit too. We were living in Denver, Colorado by that time. Aidan had taken a job offer that was a huge step up from his position in Chicago. I had only just met Cheyenne and we had yet to develop a close friendship. I was once again alone in a new place in a new city with no friends or family. Aidan’s betrayals had been taking a toll over the two and a half years we had been together. Looking back I recognized that the real me had already begun slipping away by then. I had decided to keep my family in the dark about my marriage. If I had let on how many times he was fooling around behind my back and how hurt I was my family would all go postal and demand that I leave him. They certainly would have been disgusted at the knowledge of how I was beginning to lose myself.
Simply put, I chose Aidan over myself. I let Kathleen slip into the dark recesses of my life. I was buried alive in lies and lust with no life line in sight. Aidan went on a business trip the day before my twenty-first birthday. He had been gone for four days. My parents offered to fly out for my big day but I told them not to. I was in no shape for a masquerade. I once again blew out a single candle on a store bought cupcake. “Happy birthday Kathleen. Make a
wish.”
face="Times New Roman">Icing. Half of the cupcake. Garbage. Shower. Bed. Cry. In that order. I no longer dreamed of home. In fact I had stopped dreaming during sleep altogether. I thought it peculiar but didn’t dwell on it.
My twenty-second birthday was sad. Aidan was not on a business trip this time but my birthday was terrible for entirely different reasons. Over the year between my twenty-first and twenty-second birthday the Kathleen that I knew myself to be my entire life slid into an abyss. She was gone. I didn’t recognize it fully at the time likely because the thought of the whole tragic scenario was too much to take. Ignorance is bliss more often than not and I clung to my ignorance like a life raft in turbulent seas.
Aidan’s tendencies continued on of course. I had school as a distraction from my depressing private life but I knew I would not be a student forever. Graduation was looming and I would be done with my Bachelor’s degree and applying to law school.
I embraced a fake version of myself that was much more suited for the pathetic life I led. I completed college and earned my degree. I passed the LSAT and applied to law school. I was accepted but lacked the ambition to continue. I gave up my dream of being a lawyer. So I became a lesser version of what I wished to be. A paralegal. Being a paralegal allowed me to go to work in the field I loved. However, my unfulfilling life was always the first and last thought I had upon waking every morning and before sleeping each night. I was consumed with sadness that I kept secret. Five days before my twenty-second birthday we received a phone call that informed us that Aidan’s younger sister had been involved in a car accident and had died at the scene. We immediately flew out to be with his family. She was laid to rest on my birthday. The entire thing reminded me painfully of my own internal death. She had been put into the ground and subconsciously I think I laid the true Kathleen to rest that day as well. I didn’t even bother wishing myself a happy birthday.
If there is something that Aidan and I have always done well regardless of circumstances or the condition of our marriage it was intimacy. We had always been very attracted to each other and enjoyed each other in the bedroom. The only bit of me that always remained was my libido and attraction to him. I knew he used this against me but I honestly didn’t care. I had nothing else. I was hollow and miserable in nearly every aspect of my life. I might as well indulge in the one thing I did enjoy. The following August after Aidan’s sister passed away I became deathly ill with walking pneumonia. I felt awful and was sick for a solid month. It wasn’t until October that I discovered that I had become pregnant. Apparently antibiotics and birth control pills don’t mix. I told Aidan over the phone while he was away, yet again. He seemed excited and I had this sinking feeling of anxiety and panic that this life inside me would be a permanent ball and chain tying me to Aidan. I immediately felt guilty for feeling that way about this little life growing within me. It wasn’t my child’s fault that I chose to be with a man who shared himself with any female who would have him. I resented Aidan for being the catalyst to these dreadful thoughts. When I told Cheyenne about the pregnancy she too was nervous for me. She put on a good show of being congratulatory and happy but I could tell she had the same thoughts as I did.
My twenty-third birthday is one I will never forget. r iver forI had been seven weeks pregnant and had warmed up considerably to the idea of being a mom. I think I may have even gotten a bit excited. Aidan was away on business but had decided to come home early from the trip to surprise me. I had actually thought that maybe the birthday curse was over. This birthday felt like it might actually be ok. I was stupid to let my guard down and to be excited about anything that could be stripped from me in one fell swoop.
Aidan’s intentions of making my twenty-third birthday a special one were good. Little did he know his actions didn’t make my day special- it made it a painful memory that I would never forget. He came home a day early and had plans to take me to dinner for my birthday. He greeted me as usual and informed me he had a great surprise for me the following day. After a brief discussion about his business trip he went off to the master suite to shower. While Aidan was in the bathroom I heard his cell phone ringing from its spot on the kitchen counter. Normally I wouldn’t bother with his phone but he had told me he was expecting a call from his mom and if she called to answer it. I scurried to the kitchen and grabbed up his cell without even glancing at the ID. I answered it. That’s when I heard a woman on the other end of the line who was definitely not my mother-in-law. I didn’t even have to ask her name because she made a point to be quick about informing me of who the hell she was. Her name was Caroline and I could practically hear her smug face contort into an evil smile. She went on to inform me that she had been having an affair with my husband for two months and she intended on making it a much more ‘permanent’ arrangement so I should simply bow out gracefully seeing how my marriage was already crap.
My head spun and my gut churned. I told her to go screw herself and hung up. I had never been verbally accosted by any Aidan’s little hussies. This woman had made my skin crawl with her arrogant tone. Perhaps I had felt threatened by her. Maybe I thought that she could perhaps steal away Aidan from me, leaving me to be a single mother. I saw red at the thought of it. I slammed my fist down on the counter with so much force my arm shuddered at the vibrating pain that shot up to my shoulder. The next moments of my life are a blur.
I had barged into the bathroom, ripped open the shower curtain and launched Aidan’s cell phone at him. He shot evil eyes my direction and growled obscenities at me. I made sure to explain that Caroline had just called and is more than eager to take my place married to him and all his bullshit. He began making his way from the shower towards me. He grabbed my left arm and I jerked away from his grasp. I felt pure rage, uninhibited fury. I wanted to attack him but refrained from such a thing since I would never want to harm my sweet little baby. He was still in the bathroom scrambling for a towel when I bolted out the front door, keys in hand. I jumped into my car and sped out of the driveway. I was so enraged at Aidan for hurting me so badly and for his piece on the side having the nerve to tell me to ‘bow out gracefully’ that I never saw it coming. I never even had a chance to react. Even if I could have reacted to the collision, I’m not sure my efforts would have yielded a different result.
I was driving through a green light at an intersection near the interstate and apparently a drunk driver barreled through his red light and hit my compact car broadside. I was told my car flipped to its side and had skid across the intersection. I don’t recall anything but a very loud noise then darkness. I can vahowss. I cguely remember a scent. It was a distinct scent. It was a combination of a few elements. I could smell burned rubber, exhaust from a car, smoke that smelled like burned plastic, and the vague scent of blood.
I woke in the hospital the following day. Everything was blurry and I was very confused as to what was going on. I saw Aidan sitting beside my bed with his head bowed. I willed my eyelids to open more and blink to clear the fog. I whimpered at the pain that simply blinking caused me. My head felt strangely detached and large and my brain pulsed loudly in my ears. Aidan must have heard the whimper escape my throat because his head shot up from his hands and I immediately noticed he looked tired, disheveled.
“Aid-” I couldn’t make my mouth form a word. My throat hurt like I had swallowed sandpaper.
“Hush! Don’t talk. Try to relax. I’ll get a nurse.”
A nurse? Shit! I really am in a hospital. What the hell happened
The nurse came in my room followed by Aidan. He stood in the corner of the room like he was afraid I would bite him. I couldn’t understand the look of fear on his face. The nurse checked my vital signs then left to find my doctor. Aidan still had a look of trepidation across his face. His body looked rigid. I had never seen him like that. I began to worry why he was behaving that way. I wondered what was going through that head of his. What did he know that I didn’t? He made his way across the room back to my beds
ide but his stride was hesitant. This definitely was not the painfully confident man I knew him to be.
“What’s wrong?”
He barely had a chance to sit before I started in with the inquisition.
“Kathleen, you were in a car accident. Do you remember any of it?”
“Well, I…uh…I’m not sure my head is so foggy. What happened?” My mind began to reel with blurry flashes that I assumed were memories.
“You just took off Kathleen! You took off so fast I didn’t have a chance to talk to you about…her.” I could tell he was on pins and needles as he spoke to me.
“Oh, yes. I DO remember that!” The snap I put into my tone exerted more energy than I currently had to expend and it made my head throb fiercely.
“Kathleen, I’m so sorry. I screwed up bad. That woman-”
“Caroline, is THAT woman’s name. But surely you already know that Aidan. You have always been great with names, especially if they are female names. How long have you been screwing her?” My anger momentarily made me forget the pain coursing through my body.
“Yes, Kathleen I know her damned name. I haven’t…I Roaven’ only…it’s been about two months.” He hung his head in what looked like shame but I knew him better. That wasn’t shame, that was embarrassment for having gotten caught. “Listen Kathleen, we can discuss that situation later. Right now I want to talk about your accident.” He drew in a huge breath of air and expelled it. “Kathleen, you were hurt pretty bad you know? You have a concussion, three broken ribs, a broken ankle, and…Kathleen…you, the baby…” He hung his head again in what appeared to be genuine sadness, guilt even. My heart stopped at the word.
