“So you weren’t really into me for me is what you’re saying?”
“You were a novelty.”
And isn’t that what every girl wants to hear? “Fan-fucking-tastic. Good night, Asher, or good morning, or whatever the fuck it is for you now. I’m too tired for this.” I started walking the final stairs away from him.
“That’s not what I meant, Edie,” he called after me. “You have to imagine my surprise that night. I thought you were a rare beast, something that for shapeshifters is like a unicorn—someone whose spirit can’t be tamed. When I realized you worked at a hospital, and probably the hospital, and that was the reason I couldn’t shift into you, well … you can only imagine my disappointment.”
I whirled on him. “How about you imagine my disappointment? When some guy like you is interested in me, we have great sex, and then all of a sudden I’m not good enough anymore?”
He looked up at me like a baffled dog, and he clearly did not understand. And I didn’t want to explain it to him, how girls like me never got guys like him, how I was a Wednesday-night girl, but not a Friday-night girl. I decided it wasn’t worth the energy. I’m not sure what played on my face right then, but at least he seemed thoughtful.
“You’ve got a really confused relative at Y4 right now. You should go check him out.”
Asher held up his hands. “Edie, I’m sorry.”
I inhaled to tell him to shove it, and then shrugged instead. “Yeah. I know.” I hitched up my purse, and walked straight ahead.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
I slung my purse across my chest for the short walk home from the station. I had set out across the commuter parking lot when I heard a car honk its horn. I ignored it, and it honked again. I turned, to make sure I wasn’t about to be run over, and saw my own car, with Jake sitting inside. I changed my course, picking up steam as I crossed the lot.
“How did you—” I sputtered, then realized I should be glad he wasn’t on the way to trade it in.
“I went by your place last night. I saw the car out front, and knocked and knocked, then I realized you weren’t home. So I let myself in with my spare, and decided I’d come pick you up this morning for breakfast.”
I inhaled to be angry at him—I hadn’t told him he could make a spare key for my place, but him having one was the least of my concerns. “Well—thanks.”
“Well, you’re welcome.” He pulled us out of the lot. He looked clean, physically and bloodstreamily. Maybe he’d taken a shower at my place. His hands on the wheel were solid, competent. “What happened to you?” he asked, glancing over at me. I used the rearview mirror to check out my lip. It was as swollen as it felt.
“Last night was long.” I tilted the mirror back toward him.
“Uh-huh. When’d you start taking German?”
“What?”
“That broken CD player. I tried to get the disc out, but it wouldn’t open for me.”
“Heh.”
“I figured you’d learn Spanish for work. Or French—you’ve always been a mushy romantic. But German? Odd choice.”
I crossed my arms, unaccustomed to being a passenger in my own car. He was lucky Grandfather hadn’t exploded, or shot out laser beams, or done anything else that angry German ghosts tended to do. “It was the right price at the store. Where are we going?”
“Molly’s.”
“Nice.” I knew the place; it was close to my house. They made a mean chicken-fried steak and eggs. “How’ve you been?”
“Pretty good.”
“Where’ve you been?” I pressed.
“Around.” He glanced over at me, briefly, then continued to drive. Did I even really want to know the honest answers to those questions? Probably not. We sank into the easy silence of people who love one another—or at least one person who loved the other, and the junkie who loved her back as long as it was expedient—and who really have nothing left to talk about anymore.
* * *
Our silence lasted until after we ordered breakfast. He had coffee, I stuck to iced tea, keeping the ice cubes against my lip with my tongue, and we pretended to catch up on things.
“So really, Jake—how’ve you been?” I wanted to reach over and roll up his sleeves to see for myself. Then again, right now, he looked so clean-cut—at least clean-shaven—that I was ill-inclined to break the illusion. I was the one who looked beaten down—hell, I had the busted lip to prove it. If everything was going to go to shit in my life, I could at least pretend that my brother was back together in his. But the nurse in me wouldn’t let me not ask. “Are you still … experimenting?”
He stared off into the distance, through the plate-glass window, frosted with a mural of fake Christmastime snow. It was a thousand-yard stare, but at least his pupils constricted. “I did for a while.” He inhaled and exhaled. “But I’m broke now.”
He seemed so sad and forlorn. “Do I have a couch left at home?” I asked in an overly teasing tone, to break the mood.
“Not broke as in out of money—well, yeah, that too.” He looked ruefully at me. “I mean I’m broken on the inside.”
“How so?”
“I dunno. The synapses in my head. Edie, I can’t even get all the way drunk anymore. How sad is that?” he asked me, in all seriousness.
“Not very.” Pretty soon he’d have to get a job to lose himself in, maybe a girlfriend. Soon he’d be normal. If only the spell would last.
The waitress brought our food. Molly’s chicken-fried steak and eggs slathered with gravy was as good as I remembered. “Can I tell you something? And you not think I’m crazy?” he asked.
What could be as crazy as death by vampire trial? “Sure, Jake,” I said around a mouthful.
“I think,” he said, looking around, then leaning over. “I think I’m part of some test.”
I almost choked on my eggs. I forced the bolus down, and took a long swig of tea. “Really?”
He studied my face. “You think I’m crazy.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I opted to cover my tracks. “Well, you have done a lot of drugs, Jakey.”
“Seriously, Sissy—you and I both know that this is weird, right? I mean, not even booze.” He sighed, staring into his unadulterated coffee. “Not even booze.”
“Maybe it’s a chance for you to start over?” I suggested. “I mean, now that you’re clean, you can get a fresh start.”
“I’m twenty-eight, Sissy.”
“So? It’s never too late to start over.” I tried to sound like I meant it.
“Have you been reading church signs lately or what?”
If I had, they would have all been of an apocalyptic bent. They were right—the end was fucking nigh. I swirled a piece of steak in the gravy on my plate to buy myself time to think. “I just want to see you happy, Jake.”
“On the drugs, I was happy. I never had a bad minute while I was up on heroin. Some people see things, crazy shit, and talk to God. On heroin I was God. That’s hard to beat.”
“Heh.” I studied his face, around the downturned eyes, and the full yet frowning lips. Handsome, but deeply sad. For a moment I was mad—I’d bought him this second chance, maybe at the cost of my very soul, and for what?—but I could never be mad at Jake for long. He was my brother.
“Who do you think would be experimenting on you?” I asked him, as neutrally as I could.
“What do you care?” he said, and shrugged. I waited for the waitress to refill his mug before I tsked at him.
“I’m your sister. Of course I care.”
He stared into his cup before answering. “I don’t know who. But I think I know where. The Armory.”
It was the name of a large homeless shelter downtown, where you could catch a warm bed and a hot meal, if you stood in line long enough and kept your head down. It was where Mr. Galeman’d been staying, before he’d met Anna. Jake continued, “They’ve had a change of ownership, or guardianship, or whoever the hell runs the place. It used to be casual, now it’s almost
militarized.”
I knew the recent economic downturn in the county’s affairs had had an effect on the number of homeless people in the city; I’d heard Emergency Department nurses complain. “How would they do that?”
“I don’t know. The food there? Maybe. And they’ve got a needle exchange program—they could fill them up with some sort of Narcan ahead of time—”
“Jake, don’t be an idiot.” I set my fork down with a clatter on my plate. “For God’s sake, if you need clean needles, I’ll fucking get them for you,” I heard myself say. Jake looked as surprised as I felt by my vehemence. But even as I offered now—what would happen in just two short days? I reached over, grabbed his mug, and took a gulp of his coffee. It burned the top of my mouth and scalded all the way down.
“Sissy—”
In that moment I wanted to tell him everything. Everything from the beginning. From our parents’ divorce to the first time my mom kicked him out. I could forgive him the pot, the acid, and the E—teenagers did those all the time and were fine. But from the very moment, the very first moment, when I’d seen a track mark on his arm, I’d been trapped, trying to save him from himself. Now was just one more fucking time.
I stood up, eyes hot. “I’ll be right back.”
I almost ran into the bathroom. I made fists for strength. I should tell him everything. All of it.
But then what? Things don’t work out, I die in two days, and then he’s left knowing that? Forever?
I’d done it to myself. It wasn’t my fault entirely, for damn sure, but I’d done it to myself. I could have ignored him. I could have gone in for tough love. I washed my face before looking at myself in the mirror.
“You did this to yourself, Edie,” I told my reflection. “You cannot lay that on him.”
He did deserve to know that his enforced sobriety might come to a screeching halt in two days. But that was it. Not how or why. But when? Yes.
I stalked back out to my half-eaten breakfast to find the table empty.
“I’ll get it next time,” Jake had written in his neat handwriting on the bill, right under the waitress’s “Thanks!” with a smiley face. My car keys were left in a tangle on top of my purse.
“Dammit, Jake,” I muttered under my breath and looked around. Our waitress appeared anxious, like she’d feared a dine and dash, and flashed a nervous smile at me for noticing. I pulled out cash from my wallet and left her a hefty tip.
Couldn’t take it with me, anyway.
Chapter Forty
I drove my car home and parked in my spot. I sat there for a second, wondering if I could leave an official letter for Jake and avoid a confrontation entirely. “Edie Spence’s last will and testament—to her brother, she leaves her couch and her small collection of CDs.” I rolled my eyes at myself, found my house key on my chain, and walked to my door.
As soon as I entered, the CD player started chattering at me in German. It was as bad as Minnie.
“I’m sorry. He’s my brother,” I tried to explain. “I know, he pisses me off too.” Its light went from red to green, and then it clicked off, in angry silence or exhaustion.
I had barely kicked off my shoes and hung up my coat when I heard a knock at the door. “Jake! I’m still mad at you!” I announced, walking down my short hall. I peeked out the peephole and saw Ti there, his scars magnified a hundredfold, like the ripples in an unmade bed.
“One second,” I called and undid all the latches. “Hey. Come in.” I pressed myself to the side of the wall so that he could pass. He did so, managing to avoid touching me completely, which was pretty amazing, given his shoulder width.
“What happened to your face?” He turned toward me in the small hallway.
I waved my hand dismissively in the air. “A patient last night. I don’t want to talk about it.”
He shrugged, and I followed him out to my couch—the only furniture left in my living room—and he waited till I sat down, and then sat down an inordinately long distance away from me. I looked at him, then at the vast expanse of couch between us. “What’d I do wrong now?”
He blinked. “You’re direct.”
“I’ve got two days to live.”
Ti looked down at his knees for a moment. “I went down to Seventeenth—” he began, and I had visions of sultry hookers dancing in my head. “And when I came back here, I saw a man entering your place.” He looked up at me, and there was definitely hurt in his golden eyes.
“Really?” I crossed my arms. “I’m not sure which you should be more embarrassed about—being slightly stalkery or assuming that I’m dating my brother.”
“Ohhhh—” His shoulders untensed, and he shook his head at himself.
“Seriously, just ask me things.” I scooted over on the couch. “Even if I weren’t running out of time, I don’t play games. Never have, never will.” Unless you were my junkie brother, I mentally amended. “How long were you out there?”
He exhaled. “Since four A.M.”
“Silly zombie.” I lightly slapped him on his forearm.
“I do feel foolish,” he began.
“Good.” It was sort of more cute than stalkery, for now. He did appear embarrassed. “Just don’t make a habit of it, okay?”
“Fine.” His face softened into a grin, and so did mine.
“So—about the girls?”
“I didn’t get to actually talk to any of them.”
And perhaps it was my turn to be relieved, just a little. “Oh? Why not?”
“They weren’t around.”
“You … didn’t get there in time?” I imagined him trying to talk to one of them, a normal girl except for her occupation, and her running away from him in fear, like he was Frankenstein’s monster and she was short a mob.
“In a manner of speaking,” Ti said, and his voice was grave.
Suddenly I realized what he meant. “Oh, no. What happened?”
“They’re all gone. Dead, I assume.” He looked down at his clasped hands.
“How do you know they’re dead?”
“Hookers aren’t known for their financial solvency—they usually can’t get away from their pimps or their dealers long enough. So unless there’s a Greyhound full of them all on the way to Florida, I feel safe assuming the worst,” he said.
“But—won’t the police find out?”
“Find what? And when?” Ti held his empty hands out. “The city’s big. It could take a while. And if they only find one at a time, they could be declared NHIs.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
Ti’s hands curled into fists against his denim. “It means No Humans Involved. It’s a way to dump cases that no one wants to look into or solve. When the cops think someone’s done them a favor, by taking out the trash.”
“No humans involved,” I muttered. “Well, they got that right.” I imagined those girls looking at the expensive suits that all the vampires seemed to wear, ignoring their foul breath, their odd mannerisms, the way their eyes kept looking through them—maybe, sadly, they were used to that—and hoping that for one night they’d be warm and well paid.
Ti’s head was bowed in frustration. I reached out and put my hand on his. “So what now?”
“I’m not sure. When the bodies turn up, we can look for ideas. And I spread enough money around last night—if anything comes up, people will call. I left an impression.” His strong hands flexed again.
A wave of exhaustion hit me. I’d been going almost full throttle for days now—a week, really. If there was nothing we could do, I knew what I wanted to do at least. Sleep.
But I didn’t want to be alone. I looked over to him, and out around at my living room. This couch was a life raft, holding us up against the ocean of drab carpeting and the rough world outside, one person probably dying, one already dead.
And as tempting as it sounded, sleep would be giving in. It would be admitting the beginning of the end, the wind down into the final, darkest night. Gina was right—you had to keep mov
ing, or you’d start crying. I leaned forward and did the only thing I could think of to do to stop myself from sinking. I kissed him. Even though with my busted lip it hurt.
He braced himself, first surprised, then leaned into me, reaching his arms up to hold my head and tilt it slightly so I fit him better. He was slow kissing me back, tentative, as if his spirit for these things was as fragile as the skin that held him.
I didn’t care. I pressed harder for a moment, ignoring my bottom lip’s sharp pain, and then swung around so that I was straddling his lap, bending over to kiss his face, all of his face, as my hair hung down and shielded us from anything outside. I took his hands and put them at my waist, urging him to go further. And then I thought about what the hell I was doing.
I pulled my head back and sat up, and squirmed backward on his lap. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” he asked, letting me go.
I wanted to explain, but I wasn’t sure I could explain. Him, here, now, this? But I did owe him an explanation. I didn’t want to seem like some emotionally damaged freak. I had to try.
“I actually like you,” I said, and then started backpedaling. “I mean, I could actually like you, if we got to know each other better and all.”
He tilted his head forward. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been with someone I actually liked?” I looked wildly around the room, as if ghosts of conquests past would arise and vouch for me.
“It’s okay,” he said. His tone brought my gaze firmly back to him. He was quiet beneath me—okay, so he was a zombie, so that was easy—but nothing about him was threatening, or rushing. Rushing me, or rushing out the door. He didn’t seem angry or mad, or scared, or anything else I’d been afraid he’d be right now. “Whatever you want. It’s okay,” he repeated. He smiled, not too hard, not too wide. Just a gentle smile. A safe smile. A soft smile. Damn.
“I also don’t want to die in two days and not have had sex with you,” I admitted.
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