“Hold on, Cass. I’m calling nine-one-one.” He jumped to his feet, but she stopped him by clutching his boxers. She shook her head again and held up her forefinger, indicating he should wait.
Antonio picked up the cordless phone anyway, not sure what was going on, but certain he couldn’t risk anything happening to her.
Still on the floor, she sat back against the sofa. Her breathing gradually slowed to a normal rate.
“What just happened?” Antonio asked. He’d never seen her suffer an attack like this.
“It’s rare, but I’ve had attacks over the years. I learned to do breathing exercises so they don’t overwhelm me.”
“Are they panic attacks?” Antonio lowered to the floor beside her. He wanted to hold her, but was almost afraid to. She looked so fragile, and he felt so helpless.
“It’s similar, but not the same. When I’m really stressed, I hyperventilate, but I’m okay. Give me a minute.”
“I think we should go to the doctor.”
“I’m fine.” She placed a hand on his leg to reassure him.
“You scared the hell out of me.” He covered her hand and controlled the urge to squeeze it, choosing instead to rub her skin in a soothing manner. His heart rate slowed to normal, but the ball of fear in his gut remained. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
“Don’t be sorry. You’re right. We should talk about what happened to my parents.” She shivered.
“Not if it upsets you. Let’s watch the movie.”
“No, I want to,” she whispered. She picked up the remote and set the volume on mute. “I . . . um . . . did something when I was a child. I kept a secret—a big one—when I was little.” Her voice hitched at the end, and he couldn’t stand to hear the pain in her voice.
“Babe, you don’t have to do this.”
“I do. I have to because . . . I . . . um . . . I’ve never told anyone, and it’s been eating at me all these years.” The entire time her voice quivered with the burden of her thoughts. She blinked rapidly to fight back the tears. “I could’ve done something, but I didn’t.”
“You don’t have to do this.” He looked steadily into her eyes, which were now filled with shame and guilt.
“I saw them.” He almost didn’t hear the words because she spoke in such a low voice.
“Who?”
“My father and Derrick’s mother.” She swallowed. “My father asked me not to say anything, and I didn’t. I-I kept his cheating a secret. Then he died, and then my mother died. It’s my fault, Antonio. It’s my fault my parents are dead.”
Chapter Fourteen
Seven-year-old Cassidy was a daddy’s girl. As the youngest and only daughter, her father spoiled her, much to his wife’s dismay. Anything Cassidy wanted, she received, and in return, her father could do no wrong in her eyes.
Tall, attractive, and successful, Roarke Hawthorne Sr. never met a stranger, and his gregarious personality attracted people to him—both men and women. His daughter was no less immune to his charm than anyone else, and it helped that whenever they spent time together, he let her have sweets and other foods prohibited by her mother.
One sunny afternoon, Roarke Sr. picked her up from school. They took the long way home like they always did, and she chattered away in the backseat, sipping on a thirty-two-ounce cup of grape soda—her favorite.
Her father explained they had to make a quick stop so he could see a friend, but it wouldn’t be long. It wasn’t the first time he’d had to stop to see a friend. Used to it, she nodded obediently when he parked in the shade and reminded her to stay in the car and keep the doors locked until he came back.
Cassidy sipped her drink and colored to pass the time, but today her father stayed longer than usual. She knew because she completed four pages in her coloring book instead of two, and he still hadn’t returned.
Even worse, now she had to use the bathroom. Her father had gone into a store across the street. She thought about going to find him, but he’d made her promise to stay in the car. She would do it, too, except she had to go so bad, and she decided her father would be more upset if she peed on herself than if she left the car to use the bathroom.
She unstrapped the seat belt and opened the door. Looking both ways like she was taught, she ran across the street when it cleared. Inside the store, all kinds of items that could be used to decorate a house lined the walls and spilled onto the floor. Furniture, lamps, linens, and rugs covered every piece of available space. Two people conversed as a salesperson rang up a purchase.
On more than one occasion, it had been drilled into her that she shouldn’t talk to strangers, so Cassidy walked slowly through the store, peeking down the aisles in search of her father. She finally saw him at the back, in a corner, on an aisle filled with large vases.
She decided to surprise him. Grinning, she scampered down the adjoining aisle and tiptoed to the end. That’s when she heard the voices. Her father wasn’t alone.
Peering around the corner, she saw him in an embrace with a woman. Her white skin contrasted against his ebony complexion. Her father touched the woman’s cheek and kissed her on the lips. They spoke in hushed whispers with their heads close together.
“. . . patient . . . best I can . . .”
“. . . too hard . . . miss you . . .”
“. . . go away together. I’ll plan something soon . . . know . . . love you . . .”
She only heard snippets, but the conversation didn’t sound right. Confused, Cassidy stood frozen. Why was her father being so affectionate with this stranger? He was never like that with her mother. She heard her parents arguing all the time in the bedroom next to hers.
On more than one occasion, she caught her mother crying in the kitchen or out in the backyard. One time she’d yelled at her father and told him she didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Was this why her parents couldn’t get along?
“Daddy?”
With a shocked gasp, the adults pulled apart.
“Cassidy, I told you to stay in the car.” The harshness in her father’s voice surprised her.
“I have to pee.”
The woman’s face became stark white and filled with worry. “Roarke . . .”
“It’s okay. I’ll handle this.” He squeezed her arm, their gazes lingering on each other before he took Cassidy’s hand. “Come along.”
Cassidy turned to look at the woman one more time, but she was already gone.
After she used the bathroom in the store, her father took her to the car, but he didn’t drive off right away. Cassidy sat with her hands clasped in her lap in the backseat. Her father was no longer in a good mood, and it made her sad. She should have stayed in the car. She hoped he didn’t punish her.
“Princess, I need you to do me a favor. That lady is one of Daddy’s friends, but Mommy doesn’t like her, and so I have to keep it a secret, or Mommy won’t let us be friends anymore. I don’t like keeping secrets from Mommy, but I don’t want her to get upset. Do you want Mommy to get upset?”
Cassidy shook her head.
“Good girl. I’m going to need your help keeping this a secret. It’ll be just between you and me, okay?”
“But-But you kissed that lady.”
His face hardened, and Cassidy grew afraid. Her stomach was upset, and the flash of anger distressed her further.
“Goddammit, Cassidy, I need you to listen to me.”
She drew in a surprised breath when her father said the bad word.
“Promise me you won’t say anything. It’s very important because if you tell anyone about what you saw today, your mommy will become very unhappy, and we might get a divorce. You know what a divorce is, don’t you? Remember your friend down the street? Her parents divorced, and she and her mother stayed in the house, but her father and brother moved far away. That’s what will happen if your mother finds out about my friend. I’ll have to move very far away, and I’ll have to take Junior and Matthew with me. Is that what you want?”
“Then we’ll keep our little secret, okay?”
She nodded, anxious to keep him happy and save her family.
His face softened, and he brushed away her tears. “Don’t cry, princess. You know Daddy loves you, don’t you?”
She nodded again.
“Do you love Daddy?”
Her head bounced up and down with vigor this time.
“Good girl. Do as I say, okay?”
As young as she was, she’d known something wasn’t right, but she was too afraid and believed every word her father said. She never told anyone what she saw. Over the next few weeks, they made more stops in the afternoon. She stayed obediently in the car, and she never saw the woman again. After each time, her father bought a bouquet of flowers for her mother and gave Cassidy one out of the bunch. Cassidy was proud she’d been able to keep the secret just like a grown-up would, but her happiness was short-lived.
Her father boarded a plane one day, and they never saw him again because it crashed, killing everyone on board. She learned her father had been on the plane with another woman. Cassidy guessed it was the woman she saw at the store that day. By the names she overhead family members call her, it was clear the relationship between them was more than friendly.
Within two months, her mother passed away, and by accident, she learned the reason why. She and Matthew sneaked downstairs to eavesdrop on Roarke Jr. and the adults in the kitchen. One of her aunts banged pots and pans in anger while she talked.
“You know why she died, don’t you? He killed her, just as sure as if he’d stopped her heart himself.”
“Calm down, or you’ll give yourself a heart attack, too,” someone said.
“If she’d known he was still seeing that woman, this wouldn’t have happened. He shouldn’t have been on that plane. His unexpected death and the shock of finding out he was still seeing that woman—that’s what killed her. She died of a broken heart.”
Murmurs of agreement and “you right” filled the room.
“My sister was a good person. She forgave him, even after he had a child with that woman. Took him back and cussed me out when I told her she shouldn’t have. She didn’t deserve to be lied to and made a fool of. No one does.”
If she’d known he was still seeing that woman, this wouldn’t have happened. He shouldn’t have been on that plane . . . that’s what killed her.
If she’d known he was still seeing that woman, this wouldn’t have happened. He shouldn’t have been on that plane . . . that’s what killed her.
If she’d known he was still seeing that woman, this wouldn’t have happened. He shouldn’t have been on that plane . . . that’s what killed her.
Cassidy squeezed her eyes shut. The words repeated like a broken record.
That’s when she had her first attack. She became dizzy and fought to breathe. It felt like someone was smothering her with a pillow.
From a distance, she heard Matthew’s panicked voice. “Roarke! Auntie! Come quick. Something’s wrong with Cassidy!”
They rushed her to the hospital, but after a thorough examination, the doctor said she was fine and her symptoms were not life threatening. No one could understand why she’d collapsed, and they kept a close eye on her afterward, worried her parents’ death had taken a greater toll than they originally thought. They had no idea the role she’d played in their deaths, and she never told.
Her young world had fallen apart the year her parents died. Her mother had deserved to know the truth, and if she had, maybe her father wouldn’t have boarded the plane with that woman. Maybe her mother wouldn’t have been so crushed that she gave up the will to live.
Maybe . . . just maybe, a lifetime of pain could have been avoided.
****
Cassidy sat with her arms folded around herself. The death of her parents had been traumatic, and she’d learned to hide her feelings and pretend all was well, even when it wasn’t.
Antonio brushed a tear she hadn’t even known had fallen on her cheek. “What happened had nothing to do with you. You were just a kid.”
“I wish I’d said something. It’s so hard to forgive myself for what happened. I should have told someone. I could’ve told Roarke. He would’ve known what to do.”
“You have to stop, Cass. Your father made the choice to have an affair, and he made the choice to board the plane with his mistress. His actions hurt your family, not yours. There was nothing you could’ve done to prevent it. No one knows what the outcome would’ve been if your mother knew the truth. She may have even suspected, for all you know. It was a complicated situation, and you were a child. You couldn’t understand everything going on around you.”
“Yeah.” His words did little to console her, though she recognized the truth in them.
“Babe, you deserve to be happy. You need to stop punishing yourself for something you had no control over.”
“My mother stayed on my father all the time for everything. If he missed one of Matthew’s football games, she yelled at him. If he came home late, she yelled at him. Even though they stayed together, she never trusted him again. I could hear them through the walls of my bedroom. She was consumed with it. And it made me feel sorry for him. I was mad at her. Why couldn’t she leave him alone? I thought he wasn’t doing anything wrong. But he was.”
“Your father may have been sneaking around on your mother, but I’m not sneaking around on you. I’m not going to do what he did.” He tilted up her chin to look into her eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. Everything I want is right here.”
A film of tears distorted his face. “I’m sorry I act the way I do. I know it’s not fair to you. I get these ideas in my head, and I go off on a tangent. You’re crazy to put up with me.”
“Yeah, well, the great sex makes up for it. Besides, I can’t let you go and unleash all this crazy on the world.” He grinned, and she grinned back.
“So we’re stuck with each other?”
“Looks that way. For better or worse.” He pulled her onto his lap. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise. You’re my heart, mami. I can’t live without my heart.”
She pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
He stroked her cheek with his finger. “Are you going to be okay?”
She took a tremulous breath. “Eventually. But sometimes I . . .” A fresh round of tears flowed from her eyes. With trembling fingers, she wiped them away. “I feel so terrible. And I still miss them.”
Antonio tightened his arms around her. His skin was warm against her cheek, and his unique male scent comforted her as much as the security of his arms.
“It’s okay. Let it go,” he murmured. He rubbed a hand up and down her back, soothing away the pain. “It’s all right. I’m right here. Estoy aquí. Estoy aquí, mami.”
He rocked her, gently, and didn’t stop until she was all cried out.
****
Confession was good for the soul.
Even though Cassidy knew blaming herself for her parents’ death was irrational, guilt had plagued her for years. Confessing to Antonio had eased her conscience and given her a new perspective on how she viewed life and relationships.
During the week, Ernesto’s divorce had become final, and he finally introduced Valentina and his son to his entire family. Antonio had started the search for another staff publicist and an assistant to help Lucinda. Brick had talked his friend out of pressing charges on Antonio, and surprisingly, he still wanted Antonio to represent him because of his strong reputation in the industry.
Cassidy flung her satchel over her shoulder and grabbed her phone from the desk, smiling to herself when she thought about Antonio’s strong admonition that he didn’t want her anywhere near Brick alone. After she’d finished teasing him about trust, she straddled him in bed and proved to him he didn’t have reason to worry abo
ut Brick or any other man.
She’d worked another half day today, her day off, but tonight she and Antonio were going out. He’d insisted on re-creating the date she’d planned for them last week and had taken care of all the details.
On her way to the elevator, she heard Janice’s voice. “Big plans this weekend?” The older woman fell into step beside her.
Ever since the fiasco at the club, Janice had been a bit hesitant around Cassidy. They didn’t speak as much as they used to. She figured Janice felt guilty about what had happened, but she was actually glad Antonio had found her at the club that night. If everything hadn’t come to a head, she wouldn’t have had a breakthrough.
“Antonio’s taking me to our favorite restaurant.”
“That’s nice. So things are okay between the two of you?”
Cassidy nodded. “Better than ever.”
“That’s good. I have to admit, I was worried about you last week. I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t like the way he dragged you out of the club. One of my exes had a tendency to be a little aggressive, so you have to be careful. A man with a jealous streak like that can be dangerous. Those are usually the ones who are up to no good themselves, off doing their own dirt and projecting their bad behavior onto you.”
Cassidy came to an abrupt stop. “For the past couple of years, I’ve listened to you give me all kinds of advice about men. It suddenly dawned on me that you give bad advice.” Antonio had been right in his assessment of her.
“What are you trying to say?”
“I’m not trying to say anything.” Cassidy put her hand on her hip and looked her friend squarely in the eye. “If we’re going to continue being friends, let’s get one thing straight. I love my husband, and he loves me. The reason he pulled me out of the VIP is because I had no business being there. I’m not worried about him hurting me because I know he wouldn’t. He takes care of me, and I take care of him. So I don’t want to hear any more advice about marriage. It’s obvious that after failing three times, you don’t know what you’re talking about. In case you haven’t noticed, you were the common denominator in all your bad relationships. Think about it, Janice. Maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s you.”
For Better or Worse Page 11
