by Alexa Wilder
Cami tried hard to push the conversation with Ken—and all that it entailed—out of her mind as she began to check the patient’s vital signs. But she couldn’t stop thinking about the “what ifs.”
What if Ken did get primary custody of Madison? What if he and Natalie raised her to be part of their perfect little cookie cutter family? What if she wasn’t able to tuck Madison in every night and tell her she loved her? What if Natalie was doing that instead?
Cami blinked tears out of her eyes yet again and tried to focus on administering the shot of morphine to the patient via the IV, but her hands were shaking so badly that she had to step back for a moment and take a deep breath. Once she’d calmed down a little, Cami realized that she’d almost forgotten to scan the patient’s wristband, so she moved towards the bed to do so before administering the drug. She scanned the band, then the morphine she was about to administer, only to receive a shrill beep from the machine. Something wasn’t right.
Looking down, Cami began to study the patient’s wristband, then his chart. Suddenly, her blood ran cold, heavy with a realization. This was not the patient she was supposed to administer the morphine to. She’d almost administered an extremely strong narcotic to the wrong person. This patient’s chart stated that he was already on a similar medication. A second dose could have been extremely dangerous.
Cami felt sick—even sicker than she had been after her conversation with Ken. This was a rookie mistake—one she’d never made before. In fact, not even rookies made this mistake. The entire point of scanning all patient wristbands and all meds was to make sure something like this never happened. And yet, she had been so preoccupied that she’d almost done so. Had her hands not been shaking so badly that she’d had to take a moment, she could have potentially killed a patient.
That thought sent her dashing to the employee restroom, where she began retching up the protein bar she’d eaten for lunch. After a few minutes, she finally took a few deep breaths. She reminded herself that it was the stress and anxiety that had almost caused her to make such a mistake, and that if she didn’t calm down now, there was a chance she might actually make such a mistake again.
Cami couldn’t help but wish that her best friend, Maggie Emerson, was working.
When Maggie had first started as an emergency room nurse last year, Cami hadn’t thought they’d get along. In fact, when she’d learned that Maggie’s father was on the hospital’s board of trustees, she’d assumed Maggie had only been given a position because of that fact. Maggie was from a wealthy family similar to Ken’s, and Cami had expected the woman to be just as irresponsible and self-involved as her ex-husband.
In the beginning, Cami had had trouble understanding why Maggie was even working as a nurse—with the money her family had, she probably didn’t have to work at all.
How wrong had she been. Cami quickly realized that her assumptions were completely unfounded. Maggie was the most warm, caring person she’d ever met. Despite not having to work for a living—or even simply being able to take up a position in her family’s company—Maggie had chosen to become a nurse because she wanted to help people.
She also had a wicked sense of humor—a trait that quickly endeared her to Cami. They took to spending their breaks together, then hanging out outside of work. Between marriage, work, and motherhood, Cami hadn’t had time to develop any close friendships in the last few years. Maggie quickly became her best friend. On weekends when Madison was with Ken, the two would go out on the town or simply chill at home with a bottle of wine, bitching about men, or the inability to find clothing the properly fit their voluptuous bodies.
Maggie had a way of understanding Cami like no one else ever had. She could always calm Cami down and make her laugh. But, unfortunately, she was off today—when Cami needed her the most.
Once she was no longer dry heaving, Cami headed into the locker room and texted Maggie to see if they could hang out later that evening. She really needed to see her best friend, but it wasn’t just that. With the Emerson family’s wealth and connections, perhaps she would be able to recommend a good (affordable) lawyer, or at least offer tips on how to work the system.
After Cami put her phone away, she spent a few minutes alone in the locker room, breathing deeply and trying to calm down. It wasn’t until she was completely focused and sure that she wouldn’t make any more mistakes that she headed back out to the ER—ready to administer morphine to the correct patient.
3
CAMI
Cami was disappointed when, after her shift, she was finally able to read the reply text from Maggie.
Sorry CamiBear, can’t tonight. Have some boring family dinner that I’m required to sit through. Call you after!
Cami cringed at the awful nickname. At least she’d convinced Maggie not to use it at work—the last thing she needed was the entire emergency room calling her CamiBear. Maggie started calling her that after she decided that Cami looked like a huggable teddy-bear. Cute? Yes. Professional? Not so much. Swallowing her disappointment, Cami carefully typed out a response.
No worries. Need to spend some time with the little monster anyway. Call me later. I have something I really need to talk to you about.
Cami wasn’t lying; she really did need to spend some quality time with Madison. After all of the fears that had been stampeding through her head all afternoon, she wanted nothing more than to hold her daughter, to kiss her and tell her how much she loved her.
Being Madison’s mother was what gave her life meaning. Yes, Cami enjoyed her job at the hospital and she loved helping people. She loved her time relaxing with Maggie and she really did hope to someday meet a man she could spend the rest of her life with. But all of those things paled in comparison to the joy and meaning Cami found in being a mother. With the threat of having that taken away from her, she wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed with her “little monster” and read bedtime stories until they both fell asleep.
Unfortunately, one thing Cami was not in the mood for was dealing with her mother. She loved her mom dearly; the woman had raised Cami alone after her father had left when Cami was ten. And she was eternally grateful now that her mother provided free childcare four days a week while Cami worked. She knew her mother loved her and only wanted the best for her, but sometimes that desire for the “best” could come off as judgmental or condescending.
Yet there wasn’t much Cami could do to avoid her mom this evening. She had to pick up her daughter, after all.
Cami parked and slowly climbed the stairs to her mother’s second-story apartment. She used her own key to let herself in and was surprised to find the place uncharacteristically quiet. Usually, Madison would greet Cami at the door with shrieks of “Mommy!!!” before throwing herself into her arms.
The only sound to greet her now was the gentle hum of the air conditioning as Cami made her way into the apartment. The old, worn leather sofa was empty, as was the rocking chair. The room was dark and abandoned. It reminded Cami of the countless nights she’d spent alone in the apartment as a child while her mother worked. Very little had changed in this place over the last two decades, besides some added portraits of Madison on the walls, and a newish flat-screen TV.
She wondered into the kitchen, where she found her mother at the table, a cup of tea in her hand as she flipped through a gossip magazine. She looked tired, with her gray hair pulled back in a messy bun, loose tendrils falling in front of her drooping eyelids. She looked up as Cami entered the room, offering her daughter a loving but weak smile.
“Cami, I didn’t hear you come in,” she said.
“Where’s Madison?” Cami asked, coming to stand next to the older woman.
“She’s passed out in the bedroom. We went to the park, and she spent the afternoon running around with a neighbor’s dog. She was exhausted.”
“Sorry I missed that,” Cami said with a sad smile.
She could picture the little monster, running through the grass after the mutt, shriek
ing with joy. She smiled at her mother, who was now looking at her with an inquisitive expression. She must have seen the stress on Cami’s face. Cami really wasn’t ready to have that conversation with her mother, so she turned to go.
“I better get her home.”
“No rush,” the older woman said. She patted the chair next to her. “Come, have a seat.”
Cami thought about arguing, but knew that she’d never win that fight against her mother. Besides, her mom didn’t spend much time around other adults. She owed her a few minutes of visiting. So Cami pulled out the chair and sat down beside her.
“You look tired,” the older woman said as Cami relaxed into the chair. “You work too much!”
“I really don’t want to get into this with you again, mom.” Cami was emotionally and physically exhausted, and she really didn’t want to rehash this argument once again.
“You’re missing out on so much of her childhood,” her mother replied, changing approaches to continue her point when Cami clearly didn’t want to talk about it.
Cami sighed deeply, wishing she hadn’t taken a seat. The truth was, she did feel like she was missing parts of Madison’s childhood. But that was the point of working long hours four days a week. She then had three full days to spend with Madison—at least when her daughter wasn’t spending the weekend at her father’s house. But she was doing her best—or what she thought was best for Madison.
“I don’t have a choice, mom,” she replied indignantly.
“Of course, you do! You could work part-time. Move in here with me. That way you wouldn’t miss so much of your baby’s childhood.”
“I can’t do that, mom. You know I can’t.” Cami was growing angry. “This apartment only has two rooms.”
“I can sell this place and move into a town home or something.”
“Not going to happen, mother,” Cami said.
The thought of living with her mom sent another wave of nausea through her stomach. Cami loved her and was eternally grateful for the support she offered in taking care of Madison, but she would pull her hair out if she had to live with the woman.
“Something has to happen, honey,” her mom replied. “You work too damn much.”
“Why is everyone saying that today?”
“Who else has been saying that?” the older woman questioned.
Cami sighed. She definitely did not want to get into Ken’s phone call with her mother. She’d only worry and make things all the more stressful.
“No one, mom. I just…I don’t have a choice. Ken has made it clear he isn’t going to help, so if I want Madison to have everything she deserves in life, I have to work. You worked more than I do when I was growing up. I turned out fine.”
Cami’s mother eyed her speculatively for a moment, as if she disagreed with Cami having turned out fine, but she thankfully didn’t respond. She simply sipped her tea and looked back down at her magazine.
“Besides,” Cami continued, too indignant to let the topic fall just yet, “I love my career. I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I love helping people. I feel like I’m making a difference in the world.”
Her mother just hummed, but didn’t look up from the magazine. They sat in silence for a few minutes, her mother reading while Cami collected her thoughts. She was just about to get Madison and head home when her mother spoke again.
“I worked two jobs while you were growing up because I had too. I had no other options,” she said after a moment.
“And I do?” Cami really didn’t know where her mother was going with this, and she didn’t want to know.
“I was older than you are. I had less going for me. You’re still young. You have a beautiful face.”
Cami cringed at the word face. Now she definitely knew where the conversation was heading and she didn’t want to have it. She moved to stand but her mom put a forceful hand on her shoulder. For a woman her age, she had a surprising level of strength.
“Just sit here for a second and hear me out,” she said. “You owe me that much.”
Cami hated when her mother brought up all the free childcare she was giving. But it was true—Cami did owe her mother a lot. So she gritted her teeth and sank back into the chair. She allowed her mother to push the open magazine over until it was sitting in front of Cami. It was open to an article about celebrity diets.
“You have such a beautiful face,” her mother repeated. “If you just lost a little weight, you’d have no trouble catching yourself a man.”
“I’m not fat, mother,” Cami said through gritted teeth.
“No one said you were,” her mom said softly. She leaned forward to brush a loose lock of Cami’s hair behind her ear. “But you could stand to lose a few pounds. I’m not saying that to be mean, sweetheart. I’m only trying to help. Right now, you have so much going for you. You’re young and smart and vivacious. That head of hair of yours is just to-die-for. You know how many women wish they were natural redheads? Millions of dollars are spent in salons each year trying to recreate what God gave you naturally. And those eyes… you have your father’s eyes—so big and green. Not to mention your skin—so clear. Most redheads are covered with freckles.”
“There is nothing wrong with freckles,” Cami said defensively. “Madison has freckles.”
“All I’m saying, dear, is that, with a little weight loss, you could be absolutely stunning.”
Cami bit her tongue. She knew that her mother meant well. In her warped mind, she thought she was offering her daughter a piece of helpful advice, not trampling on her self-esteem. Cami tried not to let the words get to her, but she couldn’t help but feel hurt.
“You would have men falling all over you,” her mother continued. “If you lost a little weight, you would easily be able to catch yourself a guy. You could marry someone who would support you, so you didn’t have to work. Support you and Madison.”
“I already married a man who was wealthy enough to support me,” Cami spat bitterly. “And we both know how that turned out. I’m never going to rely on another man to take care of me! Especially not some hypothetical one that will only appear after I starve myself!”
With that, Cami pushed her chair away from the table and stood up. She stomped from the room before her mother had a chance to respond. Cami really wasn’t interested in anything she had to say at the moment.
Her mood was quickly lifted, however, as she found herself in the guest bedroom, leaning over her sleeping child. Madison was in the middle of potty training, and was wearing a pull-up and nothing else. She was stretched out on her stomach, with her strawberry curls twisting against her freckled back. She had one thumb in her mouth, while the other hand clutched the corner of her purple blankie.
Cami considered waking her daughter in order to help her dress, but she really didn’t have the heart to do so—not when Madison looked so peaceful and precious in sleep. Instead, she wrapped the little girl in the comforter and carried her out against her shoulder.
Her mother was standing in the hall as Cami walked by, but Cami didn’t raise her eyes to look at the older woman.
“Good night, sweetheart,” her mom said exasperatedly, seemingly unaware of the hurtful words she’d uttered only a few minutes earlier.
“’Night, mom,” Cami replied quietly, so as not to wake her daughter, before exiting the apartment.
She tucked Madison into her car seat—a difficult task while still wrapped in the comforter—and kissed her forehead before starting the car and heading home.
Cami barely made it out of the parking lot before the weight of the day caught up with her. Sadness, anxiety, and frustration washed over her, twisting her body into knots. Tears, refusing to be contained, began to pour down her face. Within moments, she was crying so hard that she could barely drive. Unwilling to put her daughter in danger, she pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park. Shoving her fist into her mouth so as not to wake Madison with her heaving sobs, she silently wept against the steering
wheel.
4
CAMI
Cami sat at the side of the road until she had no more tears left to cry. She felt oddly numb as she made the ten-minute drive home.
Madison woke while Cami was trying to remove her from her car seat, which was just fine with Cami. As exhausted as she was, she was more than happy to spend some quality time with her pride and joy. She gave Madison a bath, watching as the happy three-year-old splashed in the water. Cami allowed the shock and numbness of the day to wash away, replaced by the love and joy she found in her daughter. She then curled up next to her baby in her own bed, reading her stories that Madison was too young to understand, until the little girl drifted off to sleep.
Cami considered allowing herself to drift off as well, but it was barely eight o’clock. She’d only eaten a protein bar for lunch, which she hadn’t even been able to keep down, so she begrudgingly pulled herself out of bed. After carefully lifting Madison and carrying her to the crib in her nursery, Cami spent a few minutes simply gazing at her darling baby girl.
I cannot lose her, she thought. I will not allow Ken to take her away from me!
Yes, Cami worked full-time. But even on the days she worked, she was always home in time to bathe her daughter and tuck her into bed. The only times that Madison went to bed without a goodnight story and a kiss from her mother were the nights she spent with her father. Ken was wrong. Her own mother was wrong.
“I’m a great mom,” Cami said out loud. “I am what’s best for Madison!”
Eventually, Cami’s stomach began to rumble, so she made her way to the kitchen to microwave something easy for dinner. After a quick meal of frozen burritos, Cami settled on the sofa to relax with a generous glass of red wine and all of the TV shows she’d been meaning to catch up on.
Cami was just getting into the latest episode of The Voice when her phone rang. She’d completely forgotten that Maggie had promised to call her after the family dinner. Cami was exhausted and considered not answering the phone, but decided that a conversation with Maggie may be exactly what she needed.
