He nodded when he saw understanding light my face. “And I look all of them in the eyes while I do it. I can’t put you in front of me, Lily. I know it’s you when you’re there. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t that part of me. And all it sees is the death it needs.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, the confession hushed as if he was admitting his greatest shame.
Considering he’d kept it from me our entire lives, I wondered if it was.
“I can’t put you in front of me,” he repeated as all the emotion slid from his face, leaving hardened eyes.
I nodded numbly for a few seconds, watching him with new understanding that led to new pain.
Intimacy had always stood like a barrier between Kieran and me.
One he’d never tried to push past. One he’d never even tested until tonight.
And now I knew why.
He’d acknowledged his greatest strength in his job was his greatest weakness with me. He’d accepted it when I’d needed more . . .
“I know you. I know that beast inside you. You could’ve told me. And if you’d asked, I would’ve spent the rest of my life trying to help you overcome what Georgie engrained in you.”
“Do it,” he begged, the roughness of his voice betraying the lack of warmth in his eyes. “I can’t do what you’re asking. I can’t put you in that kind of danger. But say you’ll spend the rest of your life with me.”
My mouth parted on an exhale as pain and confusion threatened to destroy what was left of my heart.
“Kieran . . .” I whispered, unable to continue.
“Kieran!”
I jumped when Mickey’s voice rang through the house, my questioning gaze moving from Kieran to the hall behind him. All the while his intense stare never left me.
“Marry me, Lily,” he said, his voice suddenly soft.
Mickey’s loud steps sounded in the hall, followed by his voice. “Jesus, you have a phone for a reason, boy.”
A horrifying realization hit me then. “Mickey put you up to this . . . didn’t he?”
Kieran was so thrown off by my question that Mickey easily shoved his way past him and into the room.
Before Kieran could respond, a sharp laugh burst from my chest. “I’ve been with you for over ten years, and you only ask me to marry you once my dad tells you to? When he demands that we secure the future of Holloway?” I asked, disgust dripping from each word. “Or did the two of you come up with this together? Have Mickey prepare me for your proposal while reminding me of my place here, like I’m nothing more than a pawn or one of the Soldier’s Row whores.”
Mickey whistled and raised his hands, as if he was surrendering. “You shoulda answered your phone. Could’ve avoided this situation that, if you haven’t noticed, is a bit on the awkward side.”
But what had started out as awkward was now tense, and Mickey was too stupid to feel the change in the room.
Or he didn’t care.
Kieran’s expression was as impassive as ever, but his wrath clung to him like a second skin as he stared down Mickey with the intense hatred I’d always known he held for him—before he’d started working as Underboss.
Mickey twisted one of his hands that was still in the air to look at his watch, then clicked his tongue. “Time is a-ticking, Kieran. Got places to go, people to see, plans to settle, and traitors to silence. So let’s head out,” he said as he took a step toward the door. “You’ve got three minutes to be in the car.”
Mickey didn’t make it another two steps before Kieran was suddenly in front of him, yanking Mickey’s head back with a fist full of hair and a knife to his throat.
“That girl . . . your daughter? She’s not alive or here for you to secure a future,” Kieran bit out in a terrifying tone. “She’s here because she’s mine. She’s alive because she fights—”
The room swayed seeing the beast Kieran tried so hard to keep away finally unleashed, but my blood ran cold. I took a step toward the two men when I saw why Kieran had suddenly stopped talking.
“Mickey, no!”
“Well, hello to you too, Nightshade,” Mickey said with a dark snicker as he pressed his gun harder into Kieran’s stomach. His finger already tight on the trigger. “Now, I think you might be mistaken. I don’t need you for Holloway. If you kill me now, I guaran-damn-tee you my finger’s gonna slip. Then who is Holloway left with? Lily. Only Lily. And I guess you’d just be passing her off to the next Underboss. Which, if you think about it, is your buddy Beck.”
The calm on Kieran’s face slipped for a fraction of a second, but it was enough to make Mickey laugh again.
“But if you don’t back the fuck off me, my finger still might slip.”
Kieran continued to stare Mickey down as seconds passed at an achingly slow pace. The look so terrifying and at peace it was fascinating to see. Mesmerizing even.
In movements too quick to track, Kieran released Mickey and backed away, his knives already hidden before Mickey ever lowered his gun or his head.
Mickey’s actions were so sluggish compared to Kieran’s I almost wondered if Kieran had slit Mickey’s throat before freeing him.
But then Mickey sighed. “Nothing like thinking you might lose your life to get your adrenaline pumping. Keeps you young, I guess.” He winked at Kieran, then glanced at his watch as he headed for the hall. “One minute.”
By the time I was facing Kieran again, it was as if nothing had happened tonight.
No fighting, no showing me his greatest secret, no threatening Mickey . . .
He just stood there, watching me carefully with that ever-present expression that hinted at nothing, yet was somehow so incredibly intense. After nearly a minute, he turned to the dresser to change his shirt then began digging around in his sock drawer.
“You weren’t supposed to be in the house the night Aric died. We weren’t,” he said with his back still to me. “I’d made plans to take you somewhere since your parents were out of town. Your dad knew. Aric and Beck too.” Twisting around to face me again, he shut the drawers behind him but kept his head low.
The sight made my heart pound so forcefully I knew the assassin standing before me could hear every beat.
“Your dad called that morning while we were still in bed . . . remember? Told me to go on a job with Aric for him since he was gone. Once that was done, there was another call just for me. And then another. Every time I set foot on the property, he somehow knew and would send me back out. I knew he was trying to stop me from taking you.”
“Take me where?” I asked when he didn’t continue.
After planning to run away for so long, I knew it wouldn’t have been something he would’ve told Mickey. Knew he wouldn’t have continued to do Mickey’s work if he’d been planning to get us out of Holloway.
“The last time I’d gotten back, there was another call. Before I could answer it, I heard your screams and that gunshot.” Kieran finally met my confused stare, his eyes haunted as he closed the distance between us. “You would’ve never been in your room with them if Mickey wouldn’t have been trying so goddamn hard to stop this,” he whispered as he slipped a jewelry box into my hand.
My eyes burned with unshed tears. My heart that had been pounding so hard just moments ago now felt like it was in an iron-tight vise, slowly being crushed.
“Everything I do is for you, Lily,” he whispered against the top of my head before pressing his mouth there.
When I opened my eyes, he was gone.
I turned, making my way to the bed. Placing the box on the nightstand, I said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t marry you.”
The words were just a breath to the empty room, but the freedom that came with them felt so overwhelming it was as if I’d shouted them.
“I don’t belong to you anymore, Kieran. I haven’t for a long time. You left me to die in this place, and that’s something I will never be able to forgive.”
I stared at the jewelry box as I had so often since Kieran had placed it in my hand near
ly twenty-four hours before.
The ring had been his mother’s.
I knew without ever having met her. I knew without opening the box or ever having seen it before. He’d told me about it so many times growing up. The one piece of her he had that he’d been saving for me.
She’d been incredible, according to Georgie. One of a kind. The kind of woman you find and never let go of.
She’d looked the darkest parts within him head-on and loved him just the same.
I wondered if she’d lived past childbirth, if Kieran would’ve still grown up to become an assassin, or if she would’ve softened the cold man who’d emerged from a violent childhood.
Then again, knowing the kind of man Georgie had been, it might’ve been inevitable. Although I was sure she would’ve still loved Kieran just the same.
Just as I had always done.
Before . . .
Everything he’d told me last night had left me confused—disoriented with the knowledge that I was already completely gone to someone else.
After years of fighting for him to see me, years of begging for him to speak to me, and finally accepting it would never be the same—that I had lost him to my father and the mob. Suddenly he’d been there . . .
The broody boy I’d adored.
The haunting teen I’d fallen in love with.
The deadly man I’d given my heart and body to.
And he’d laid bare everything he’d hidden from me.
My soul had ached while I’d lain awake for hours, unable to sleep as I replayed every word, every touch, and every expression that had penetrated his hardened shield.
But the reminder of every sleepless night because of his coldness was never far behind. Because of his unwillingness to try. Because of what he was currently doing as though he didn’t have an ethical bone in his body.
Throughout it all, and every other thought today, had been a pair of dark, knowing eyes.
And with the aches and confusion came a sudden inability to breathe when I thought about Mickey forcing me to put on that ring. What it would mean. The look on Dare’s face if he ever saw it. Most importantly, how I was supposed to destroy my heart and devote my life to Kieran when my mind and heart would always scream someone else’s name. Crave someone else.
With that thought, I jumped out of bed and ran for my closet. Once I had my bag and everything I needed out of the crawl space, I hurried into the bathroom.
I didn’t let myself think about what I was doing.
I knew if I did, I would talk myself out of it.
Soon, I was sneaking out of my bathroom window and off Holloway property, and twenty minutes later, I was slipping into The Jack downtown.
I slowly made my way through the crowded place, my eyes scanning everyone as I did, looking for Libby or anyone else I might recognize from Dare’s family. I was a few feet from the bar when I nearly thanked God out loud, because there Libby was, standing directly in front of me.
Skin-tight, torn shirt and an easy smile on her face that looked so much like her brother’s as she used a liquor bottle to give a customer a mock-salute.
As soon as he turned away from the bar with shots in hand, I slid into his spot, waiting for Libby to look up.
“What can I get you, sweet—” Her eyes widened with excitement, her smile became genuine. “Elle!”
“Hey, underage. You better have ID this time.”
I looked at the man I’d fought with for the phone last week, and froze as I thought of what to say and do.
“Zeke, she’s cool,” Libby said, hitting the guy on the shoulder. “She’s with me.”
Zeke dropped his unwelcoming glare to Libby. “No ID, no drinks.”
“Please, like I would.” She rolled her eyes, and gave me a look before addressing Zeke. “She’s not underage, you dolt. She just comes from one of those communities. You know . . . no phone, no ID, no nothing. She’s experiencing everything for the first time. Staying with us while she does.”
I somehow managed to keep my jaw from hitting the floor as Libby easily made up a new background story for me to what I assumed was her boss, then slowly slid my eyes to Zeke.
He was looking at me like he didn’t know if he should kick me out or ask if I knew what a computer was.
“No ID, no drinks,” he repeated before turning away.
Libby laughed as she watched him go, the sound low and throaty. “God, the guy is a silver fox, but he’s a little too caveman for my tastes, if you know what I mean.”
I didn’t.
She turned to face me again. “So, what brings you to my home away from home?”
I bit my lip as a rush of excitement and fear swirled in my stomach, but couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. “I want to find your brother.”
Her smile mirrored my own then shifted into a knowing grin. “I see. We’re all still at my mom’s house. He’s there.” Pulling her phone out of the back pocket of her dark jeans, she checked the screen for a second then put it away. “You happen to be in luck, because I’m not closing tonight, and I get off in about twenty minutes. You can follow me.”
“I walked here.”
Her eyebrows lifted, that grin widening. “Of course you did. Well, you can walk if you want, but it’s about three miles from here, as I’m sure you remember. It’ll be faster if you wait for me to drive you.”
“Okay,” I said, the word too soft in my nervousness.
“Go find a booth, I’ll find you when I’m done. And, Elle,” she called out when I started to leave, “what I said still stands. If you plan on running, make sure my brother knows.”
“I don’t,” I replied immediately, not realizing until after she’d gone back to work the meaning of my response.
It was the first time in my life I’d ever said I planned on staying in this confining town.
And it had been instinctive.
“It’s happening soon. Sooner than we’d originally thought,” he said from where he stood a few feet from Johnny and me. “And he’s planning something big with it.”
“Bigger than a fucking human trafficking ring? Bigger than signed contracts from twenty of the richest and most influential men in this and the surrounding states, vowing and paying to go in on bidding wars to own these women?”
Eyes that promised destruction locked onto me, but he didn’t move or give any hint to what he might be thinking. “Something he’s trying to keep from me,” he said after a few tense seconds. “Something he’s excited about. And that’s not good. We’re leaving tonight, and we’ll be gone for a few days. Use that time to look for what he’s planning.”
I blew out a pent-up breath and scrubbed my hands over my face. “Fine. I’ll—” A growl sounded in my throat when I looked back up, only to find him gone.
I got really tired of him doing that.
“I’ll tell you what we need to be looking for,” Johnny mumbled from beside me as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. “A trap to take us the fuck out of the picture. ‘We’ll be gone for a couple days.’” He scoffed. “Right. More like, ‘Come on, idiots. Walk into my trap.’”
I shook my head as I turned to head back into the house. “Shut up, Johnny.”
As soon as we walked into the house from the back door, I knew I’d walked into something Johnny had just imagined.
It felt like a trap.
Except my sister was at the helm of it.
“Hi,” I said, wary of her too-large smile and the fact that she was sitting on the couch with my mom . . . and they weren’t arguing.
“Well, hello, favorite brother of mine,” she said in a saccharine voice. “Have fun working?”
Instead of responding, I let my gaze drift slowly around the large living room and over to the small part of the kitchen I could see from where I was standing.
“I told you,” Johnny hissed through gritted teeth. “I told you. That motherfucker.”
“Enough.”
I could hear his t
eeth gnash together as he clenched his jaw tightly in order to keep from talking. Where Johnny had been anxious and shifting the entire meeting in the backyard, he was now tense and shaking as he stood still, waiting for whatever threat to reveal itself.
“Earth to dumb and dumber,” Libby said with a huff. “You look like two wolves sniffing out dinner.”
My hand twitched toward my gun when I heard movement off to the side, but relaxed when Maverick walked into the living room from the kitchen with sandwiches in hand and a wolfish grin on his face.
“Hey, hey. Libby tell you about your little present?”
“Hard to when they walk in and stop to pose like they’re Batman and Robin,” Libby muttered as she looked at her nails. “Johnny, Einstein’s waiting for you in your room.”
Maverick staggered to a halt in front of us, his eyes darting from Libby to Johnny.
Johnny didn’t move.
After clearing his throat, Maverick turned and went to sit in the chair near the couch, dropping one of the sandwiches in front of Libby with a mumbled, “Here,” as he did.
She made grabby hands at the sandwich before snatching it up. “And what did I do to deserve this? You know, besides being the only amazing one in this entire effing house.” Without giving Maverick a chance to respond, Libby fixed her attention on Johnny. “If I were you, I would go before you find yourself in trouble with your girl.”
“Go,” I said when he made no move to leave.
As soon as he was out of the living room and headed down the hall toward the room he and Einstein shared, Libby sent me a wide smile before taking a huge bite.
Maverick wasn’t eating, his head was turned just enough so he could look in the direction Johnny had just left.
“Someone tell me,” I demanded.
“Maybe you should walk into the kitchen and find out for yourself.”
I studied her challenging glare for another second before heading toward the kitchen, where I could hear Diggs giving directions on how to make a sandwich.
And came to an abrupt stop when I saw the girl sitting on a stool, watching Diggs with equal parts fascination and disgust as he made the biggest sandwich I’d ever seen.
Firefly (Redemption Book 2) Page 17
