by Kirk Scroggs
“This ghost is an odor based apparition. We must find something that stinks even worse than Mr. Spittles to fire into the portal.”
“Why is everyone looking at me?” asked Grampa.
Chapter 12
Sock It to Me
I put on my biocontainment suit and removed Grampa’s right sock.
“I’m gonna miss that sock,” said Grampa. “I’ve been wearing it since March.”
Then we filled the sock with three year old sour cream.
Madame Inuzat and Merle loaded the stink bomb into a special rocket launcher.
Then we fired the malodorous missile into the heart of the litter box.
But to our surprise the box sprouted arms, grabbed Grampa’s prized tuba off the wall, and used it to deflect the missile back at us!
The soggy sock exploded in Grampa’s face.
“I suppose you’ll be needing my other sock,” said Grampa.
“No time for that!” I yelled. “We’ll just get it straight from the source!”
We picked up Grampa and drove him feet first into the door of the litter box like a human battering ram.
“I’ve never felt so used!” said Grampa as his feet hit the moist litter.
There was an enormous explosion of electricity, odors, and kitty litter particles! We ran for our lives.
Merle was hit with a huge bolt of energy from the box as kitty litter rained down upon us.
“Ooh, what a mess! Maybe I should have put down some plastic first!” shouted Gramma.
It was all over. Mr. Spittles was gone. The litter box appeared and smelled normal. But Merle looked kinda weird. He didn’t seem like himself.
“Boy!” Said Grampa. “My feet feel like a couple of hickory smoked hams.”
“This litter box is clean,” proclaimed Madame Inuzat. “You’ll be getting my bill in the mail.”
Chapter 13
Whatever possessed You?
The next day, Gramma was off to the cat show with Merle while we cleaned up the house.
“Don’t worry, Granny,” said Grampa. “We’ll get this place spic and span. Now where’s my remote?”
As Gramma walked past us with Merle, I caught a whiff of a familiar smell— the scent of Mr. Spittles!
Jubal and I tried to run after Gramma but she was already on her Harley headed for the Gingham County Auditorium.
“Look!” I said. “The ghost of Mr. Spittles is going with them. Our stink missile didn’t send that foul ghost back home— it sent him straight into Merle!”
Chapter 14
Poltergeezer
“Why would Mr. Spittles want to possess Merle and go to the cat show?” asked Jubal.
“Look at that scroll the ghost grave digger gave us,” I said. “We know that ‘a gift so foul’ is talking about the litter box. It says here ‘beware of vengeance’s yowl.’ Maybe it’s talking about Simon Yowl, the celebrity cat show judge.”
“Bingo!” screamed the ghost of Barry Dunderdirt as it jumped right out of the scroll. “I thought you kids would never figure it out.”
“I know I’m only eight but I think I just had a heart attack,” said Jubal.
“What does Mr. Spittles want with Simon Yowl?” I asked.
“Revenge, my boy!” said Dunderdirt.
Chapter 15
The Ghost of Gas Passed
“Long ago, back when I was a young man of eighty-three, Mr. Spittles was a finalist in the local cat show and Simon Yowl was the head judge.
“Mr. Spittles was knockin’ ’em dead with his talent, his good looks, and his yodeling skills.He was destined to win.”
“But later, Mr. Spittles accidentally cut the kitty cheese right in the face of Mr. Yowl. It was the blast heard ’round the world and Simon made fun of him mercilessly.”
“Mr. Spittles never got over it. He spent his last days in that cursed litter box waiting for his chance to seek revenge.”
“But you kids can stop him using the clues I left you in that beautiful poem.”
“But what does reverse the pin tack mean?” I asked. “I don’t get it.”
“I think I know!” said Jubal. “Look, when I write it in reverse, pin tack becomes kcat nip! It might be spelled funny, but it’s telling us we need to use catnip to drive out the evil spirit.”
“Kcorrect!” said the grave digger.
“Wait until you can smell the evil before using the catnip. Go now! Before it’s too late,” said Dunderdirt‚ leaping off into space. “If you need me again, just use the scroll, or you can always reach me at www.olddeadguy.com.”
We had to get to that cat show and save Simon Yowl from Merle, but first we prepared an arsenal of water balloons laced with high grade catnip. I was ready to put my Destructor water balloon launcher to use.
“Let’s do this,” said Grampa.
Chapter 16
The Whole Kitten Kaboodle
The cat show was bustling with excitement.
Channel Five’s Blue Norther announced the event. “Good evening, folks! Tonight’s feline festivities are brought to you by Hola Kitty. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m wearing Hola Kitty undies now!”
There was a who’s who of cat lovers at the show. We saw the Big Hair Sugar Sisters and their cat, Babs.
Even criminal masterminds Hans Lotion and his grandson, Jurgen, were allowed out of the asylum to show their cat, Poe— under strict supervision, of course.
I spotted Gramma brushing Merle’s luxurious coat across the auditorium.
“Look!” I said. “Merle is staring out at us from his litter box with that evil look on his contorted face!”
“Maybe he’s just constipated,” said Grampa.
We spotted the snippy Simon Yowl at his judging station.
“What does a guy have to do around here to get a Jasmine tea and a low fat muffin?” complained Mr. Yowl.
“Sir!” I screamed. “You are in great danger! We’ve come here to warn y—”
But we were intercepted by Simon’s security squad of old cat ladies.
“Step away from the table,” said one of them sternly. “No one gets within ten feet, three inches of Mr. Yowl.”
“But he’s in great danger!”
“Don’t give me no lip, sonny! I’m a triple black belt in the art of fanny smackin’!”
“We’re too late!” screamed Grampa. “The show is starting and Merle’s struttin’ his stuff!”
Chapter 17
Soggy Bottoms
We had to act fast. We ran to the back of the auditorium and pulled out the catnip weaponry.
“I’ve got the launcher,” I said. “Who’s got the water balloons?”
“I’ve hidden them where no one can find them,” said Grampa, his butt looking oddly lumpy.
Merle got off to a good start. He aced the physical inspection.
He flew through the obstacle course in record time.
His break dancing skills wowed the judges and caused a few spectators to faint.
And his one man show of Abe Lincoln: A Man and His Beard won rave reviews and a standing ovation.
We waited for the ghost to show itself.
“This reminds me of fighting in the trenches during the Big One,” said Grampa. “We’d lie in wait for hours until we caught a whiff of the enemy and then BLAMMO!”
“You were in World War II?” said Jubal.
“No,” said Grampa. “The Big Squirrel Hunt of 1937. I still have flashbacks.”
The final event of the night, the evening gown competition, was coming up and tempers were flaring. The Sugar Sisters were taunting Hans and his kitty.
“You call that a gown?” said The Sugar Sisters. “We’ve seen better gowns on hospital patients!”
“Oh really?” said Hans. “Is zat bag your cat’s vearing paper or plastic?”
“Oh, no you didn’t!” said the Sisters.
“Bring it, girlfriend!” said Hans.
Chapter 18
Reeking Havoc
W
hile the other contestants were bickering, Merle walked out on the catwalk in a stunning Vera Fang gown and put everyone else to shame. He owned the runway.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” said Blue Norther. “I think we can just stop the show right now. We have a winner!”
Merle did it! He was swept up and placed on a pedestal. It was a whirlwind of emotion as Blue Norther sang the national cat show theme song, “Two Scoops of Glory.”
That’s when it happened. Merle let one rip just as Simon was placing the crown on Merle’s head.
“Great gossamer’s ghost!” said Mr. Yowl. “I haven’t smelled anything that foul since . . . No! It couldn’t be! Mr. Spittles!”
The ghost of Mr. Spittles laughed at Simon as Merle used his supernatural powers to raise Mr. Yowl and Blue Norther’s wig ten feet off the floor.
All heck broke out at the cat show as Merle released hordes of evil cat spirits and blocked all of the exits with a flick of the wrist.
Merle even broke the restraints on Hans and Jurgen and freed the master criminals!
“At last! Freedom!” shouted Hans. “Now ve can take over Gingham County. But first, ve go to Denny’s. I vant me a Grand Slam Breakfast!”
It was complete chaos in the auditorium. Chairs and kitties were flying. Water hoses writhed around like giant anacondas.
Cat ghosts screamed through the air as people levitated above the ground. It was a good time.
“Hey, stinko! Your hauntin’ days are over!” yelled Grampa as he flung the first catnip water balloon.
But the balloon just passed right through the ghost and nailed Fran Calhoon’s big hair instead.
Then Merle used his ghostly powers to bring the forty-foot tall Hola Kitty statue to life! It ripped free from its pedestal and stomped toward us.
“Run, people!” I screamed. “Don’t be fooled by its cute whiskers and pink dress. It’s lethal!”
And then, the icing on the cake— Hola Kitty started to breathe fire.
Simon’s granny security team tried to challenge the behemoth, but one breath from the kitty filled the air with the smell of singed wigs.
Chapter 19
Try Some Nasal Spray
“I’ve got an idea!” said Jubal as he grabbed the balloons and started sucking out the contents.
“Jubal!” I screamed. “You shouldn’t be drinking that nasty catnip water!”
“Yeah!” said Grampa. “This is no time to be snacking.”
But Jubal didn’t swallow it. He had something else in mind.
We climbed up a ladder to the jumbo-tron monitor.
“Hey, change the channel while you’re up there!” said Grampa. “There’s a good ball game on Channel Twelve.”
Hola Kitty was just about to step on Mr. Yowl while Grampa tried to drag him to safety.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Spittles!” screamed Simon. “I never meant to offend you. I’ve always said of all the terrible odors I’ve smelled, yours was the most impressive!”
“Mmmmphhh! Mmmmmphhh!” yelled Jubal which translated to “Hey! Whisker brain! Up here!”
We grabbed a cat show banner, flung it over the rafters, and jumped off the jumbo-tron.
We swung over the angry kitty and Jubal used his world famous nostril milk shooting ability to hose Mr. Spittles down with the catnip solution.
The catnip drove Mr. Spittles back into his box. In fact, Jubal was able to use his double blaster nostril skills to round up most of the ghosts and send them back into the litter box.
Unfortunately, the giant Hola Kitty managed to escape by crashing through the wall and taking off through Gingham County Park.
“Oh, boy,” said Grampa. “That’s gonna freak out some joggers.”
I used some duct tape sprinkled with catnip to trap Mr. Spittles and his buddies in the litter box. Merle was back to normal, Simon Yowl accidentally smiled and said, “Thanks,” and Gramma was both proud and disgusted by Jubal’s nasal skills.
Blue Norther brought the night to a close. “That’s it folks. Another cat show comes to a close. Join us next month for the mummified pitbull convention.”
Chapter 20
That’s a Wrap!
We returned the golden litter box to Badtable Manor. It turns out Grampa really wasn’t related to Lord Rankonstink after all.
“We just wanted to get rid of Mr. Spittles’ ghost,” said Maid Swartwood. “He’s a real drag.”
“Well,” said Grampa, “ I should be mad but I can’t blame you for trying, sister.”
So that’s the scoop. We ended up getting Merle a fancy new litter box with a self cleaning droid, central air, and no sign of evil spirits whatsoever.
We managed to round up most of the escaped ghosts, but Gramma decided to keep her haunted, hands free vacuum.
Jubal and I used grave digger Barry to scare our friends and teachers. He was a big hit at parties.
As for the giant Hola Kitty, no one’s seen it for sure since it escaped . . .
But rumor has it, it’s huge in Japan.
CrackPot Snapshot
Two portraits painted by Vincent Van Rembrain were discovered in the basement of Badtable Manor. Experts say they’re authentic, but that second one looks like a fake to me. Help us pick out the differences and determine which painting is precious and which is just plain putrid.
CrackPot Snapshot
The answers are on the next page. Anyone caught cheating will have to eat a kitty clump corn muffin with a side of creamed spinach!
CrackPot Snapshot
