by Nicky Shanks
“Get the paddles!”
They shock me four times and the monitor’s beeps stabilize. I can’t scream anymore, but I really fucking want to. Someone gets on the radio, their voice frantic as my body burns and I’m trapped inside my own head.
“Bus three to base—we’re in route to Rockford Memorial with a twenty-five-year-old male, victim of a motor vehicle collision. Multiple contusions, broken bones, and possible internal injuries.”
I hear static. “Base to bus three, we’re ready for you.”
“Okay, buddy, hang in there. We’re three minutes away.”
“I love you, Julie.” I feel my lips move, but I don’t know if my words come out. Hot patches of tears form in the corners of my eyes; I can’t fucking believe this is happening.
The rules.
The fucking rules.
They didn’t save me from getting my heart broken.
They sure as hell didn’t keep me alive, either.
I try to call out for her, but there’s so much dirt and glass in my mouth that my tongue feels like sandpaper. I can’t breathe; I don’t even want to try. I shut my eyes tight and wait for the bus to stop. Fresh air breezes over my body, but I’m so numb that I can’t move anything. A woman’s voice cuts into the conversation around me, asking the paramedics questions and trying to talk to me loudly.
“Mr. Jackson? Can you hear me?” I hear electronic doors open. “My name is Dr. Johnson, you’ve been in an accident…can you hear me, sir?”
She reminds me of someone…I can’t quite place her soothing tone of voice. I’m too out of my mind to place her in my past.
I open my eyes a little and force them to stay open so I can see what’s happening.
Dr. Johnson is tall, thin, and in her forties, her white-blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her smile is inviting like Julie’s, and I feel like I’m going to be okay.
“Good boy, there you go.” She walks closer to me. “I’m going to take good care of you, but I need your help, okay?”
How the hell can I help you? I can’t even move my fucking legs.
“Julie,” I groan. “I need her.”
The doctor smiles. “Is she your wife?”
No, but I want her to be.
I start to cough up blood and she wipes my mouth. “My wife…Julie…” I croak.
She looks up and motions to someone outside of the room. I hear the door open and someone walks inside—a woman who talks to Dr. Johnson. I hear Julie’s name being discussed. The second woman walks back out of the room and I frown.
I want to get up and walk out of here; I want to get back into my Jeep and drive to Julie’s like nothing ever happened. If I had only left a few minutes earlier, I wouldn’t even be in this situation. But no…I was with another woman.
Lucy.
The monitors they’re hooking up to me start rapidly beeping.
“We’re losing him again!”
***
I’m asleep.
At least, I think I am.
“Oliver,” Julie whispers.
Where is she? It’s pitch black; I can’t see her.
But I can hear her worrying.
I can smell her sweetness.
I can feel her love for me radiating through the darkness.
“You’re in bad shape,” she says closer to my ear. Her sadness makes it hard to concentrate. “I don’t know if they’re going to be able to fix you. There’s more wrong with you than they are telling you about.”
My stomach twists and I wince in pain. “I’ll be fine. I don’t want to leave you. I can’t be without you—I don’t want to be. Please don’t leave me alone in here.”
“If you don’t leave me here, you will leave me out there.” I can hear her pain. “Try and fight, Oliver. You have to stay alive to see me again.”
***
I wake myself up, screaming in pain. I howl into the air above with fear and angst; there’s someone digging around in my insides.
“He has three broken ribs and one has punctured his kidney. Did his chest get crushed?” Dr. Johnson is hovering over me again, worry in her eyes. “Let’s get him to X-ray, but there’s a rip in the lining of his right lung and his heart rate isn’t stable. He’s been into cardiac arrest twice in the field.”
I wonder where Julie really is. I wonder if she knows I’m lying here—dying. I wonder if she will cry for me; if she’ll get depressed and mourn me until she meets me wherever I end up. I can’t stop thinking about what I said to her as they stick tubes down my throat and I gag. Someone lifts me off the bed a few inches so I can vomit in something; when I’m done, they act like it’s nothing and continue working on me. I can feel the rest of my clothes being cut off and someone washes the blood off my skin the best they can.
Needles get poked into my veins to let magical liquid inside fill my body, and instead of wanting to thrash around, I’m now getting really fucking tired.
I think about the yellow envelope.
I wonder if the test was positive; I wonder if it’ll be a boy or a girl.
Colin. I remember my dream about the small boy that looked like me.
How can you miss someone you’ve never met?
I want to cry, but I can’t.
I should have opened that envelope. Now it’s probably lost in the debris of the accident and I’ll never know the results. My child—if there is one—will never know me.
I think about my father.
I’m going to die the same way he did.
My child will grow up without me.
Learn to walk without me.
Talk without me.
Laugh without me.
Learn to love without me.
My chest tingles and I can feel my eyelids closing on their own.
“Get some paddles—he’s going into cardiac arrest again!”
“Shit, we’re losing him!”
“Doctor, he’s flatlining!”
“Get those damn paddles on him!”
“He’s not going to make it!”
Then…nothing.
No screams.
No doctors.
No nurses.
No cabin.
No Julie.
No life.
Nothing.
Darkness.
Chapter Ten
Julie
My phone rings immediately after Casey puts me onto the pavement. He takes it from his pocket and hands it to me. I don’t check the number—I automatically answer it. My hands are shaking so badly that I nearly drop it on the ground before I hit the answer button.
“Hello?” My voice shakes uncontrollably. I can feel the fear bubbling up in my throat.
The person on the other end hesitates, their shallow breathing floating into my ears. “Don’t hang up,” a woman says. “It’s Heather.”
“What the hell do you want?”
“I’m calling to talk to you about Oliver. Is this a good time?”
Dozens of things are swirling through my mind right now. I can’t just chalk it up to coincidence that Heather would call two seconds after the nurse. I can’t help myself; I lose control and start to sob into the phone. “What did you do to him?” My body shakes and I raise my voice into a frantic scream. “Why can’t you leave us alone, you crazy psycho?” I cry louder and she tries to talk to me through my tears.
“I have no clue what you’re talking about. What is wrong with you?”
I hang up on her. I don’t have time for her games. I stand still and close my eyes, hoping that it’s all just a bad dream and when I open them, everything will be normal.
Casey puts his hand on my shoulder, and it pulls me back to where I need to be. I pretend that Heather didn’t just call me; the more I put that out of my mind, the more I’ll believe that it didn’t even happen. I don’t allow myself to feel bad about being mean to her.
“Julie,” Casey says. “We need to go.”
I have to lick my lips several times; the moisture in the air is making my
mouth sticky. Or it’s my anxiety. Either way, I’m glad Casey is here with me. It’s nice having someone to trust when you’re going through a tough time.
I rush back into the pool house and grab my new bag and tuck my wallet inside. When I meet Casey back outside, he’s puzzled by how calm I seem to be.
“Okay.” I breathe in slowly. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”
He leads me away from the pool house and to his parked car on the street. Randy runs outside to see what’s going on, and Casey couldn’t care less about his presence looming over us.
“Who the hell are you?” Randy demands. “Another jerk-off wanting to destroy her?”
“Calm down, man. I’m taking her to the hospital.”
Randy looks me up and down. “What’s wrong with you?”
There’s something in his tone of voice that startles me. “Not me. O-Oliver is there.”
“So, they called you.” He shakes his head. “I told them not to.”
The rain has stopped, and I freeze in place.
“What do you mean?” I snap at my brother, whose jaw is clenched in anguish. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“I got a call back from earlier…I guess Oliver was mixed up in that accident.”
I jump toward him, ready to start bashing in his face. Casey holds me back with all the force he can without hurting me. “What the fuck is wrong with you, man?” he yells at Randy as he forces me back against his body and holds me there. “That’s her boyfriend! That’s fucked up.”
Randy’s eyes catch fire. “I’m trying to protect her from assholes like you!” He lowers his voice and looks around to make sure no nosy neighbors are looking out their windows. “I’ve already dealt with enough drama because of morons like you. I had to peel her off a telephone pole the last time her heart got broken. Remember that, Julie? And now what? I saw you coming from the clinic. I know one of these idiots got you pregnant…” His voice trails off and he looks at Casey, then back at me. “Which one was it?” He points at Casey. “You?”
Casey’s grip tightens on me. “You’re pregnant?” he hisses in my ear. I can only see red as I turn my body and push Casey to his car; I’m furious that Randy has now become almost as bad as my parents were when it comes to loving me. Casey tucks me into the front seat and keeps an eye on Randy as he jogs over to his side of the car and gets in.
“Run away like you always do, Julie!” Randy yells as we pull away from the house.
When I can’t see him anymore, I let out a long, deep breath. Casey hardly has the balls to look over at me, let alone say a single word to me right now. My anger steams the windows, so I push air in and out of my lungs as carefully as possible to calm down.
Oliver.
Is he dead or alive?
“So, your brother is pretty…fucked up.” Casey clears his throat and sweetly smiles at me. He’s trying to ease the tension, and I know it’s not his fault that I’m angry. I’m actually glad Casey showed up when he did—I was ready to curl into a ball and let myself get lost in my own mind. He tries to speed to the hospital, but the streets are still slick; Casey is careful not to lose control of the steering. “Julie, can you talk to me?”
“I just want to get there.” My voice is monotone. “I just need to see if he’s alive. That’s all I care about right now, Casey.”
He nods and bites the inside of his cheek. “So…are you?”
My eyes find his in the darkness. “Am I, what?”
“Pregnant.”
Oliver should be the first one to know that answer.
I think about the possibility of having to identify his body…I’m all the family he has left.
“Pull over,” I croak. My mouth is so dry it hurts to talk. “I’m going to be sick—you have to pull over.”
Casey immediately pulls the car to the side of the road and watches me leap from the already open passenger door. I stop near a dark patch of shrubs and greenery, letting out all of my anxiety at my feet. I’m so weak that I can feel my knees wobble, and then Casey’s arms are behind me again, lifting me into the air and carrying me back to the car. I don’t thrash around in protest—I let him buckle me back into the passenger seat and start driving again without saying a word.
“I’m here for you, Julie. I love Oliver too. He’s like a brother to me. You’re not alone.” He runs his fingers through his sandy blond hair. “He’s my best friend.”
I nod. No matter what Casey says, nothing is going to make me feel better until I see life in Oliver’s emerald eyes. The sadness that Casey has is wrapping around my body, squeezing and making it hard to breathe. I find his hand in the darkness and grab it, like friends are supposed to do. I want him to know that I’m here for him too.
Casey is the first to speak when he parks the car at the ER entrance. “How did our lives come to this? I mean…life gets so fucking twisted sometimes that it’s hard not to fail.”
I shake my head. “Honestly? I come from a messed-up family, and I thought I changed things around for myself. We keep taking things for granted because we get comfortable, but every rule is meant to be broken at some point. Plus…I just keep letting myself get into these situations that are just—”
“—Impossible,” we both say at the same time. Casey’s eyes meet mine in the moonlit car and our gazes lock for a few more seconds than they should.
He laughs nervously. “I think we should go inside.”
“Are you sure you’re okay to go in with me?” I ask him, noticing his reservation.
He swallows hard and nods. “I’m not too sure he’ll be happy to see me, especially if he wakes up to me standing next to you. You know how he can get jealous over nothing, and I’ve already done something to him. Maybe I should stay out here and wait.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I don’t want to go in alone.” I sigh and open the car door, letting the millions of emotions pour into the ground beneath me. They dance around my feet as if competing for who I will play with next.
The walk to the revolving ER doors seems like it takes an eternity. Each step I manage to take is like walking through quicksand; they take me further into dark thoughts the closer we get to the bright light of the waiting room. It isn’t until we reach the desk that everything comes rushing back to me and I nearly lose my balance again; Casey’s arm is already around my waist to hold me up.
“Can I help you?” a tired-looking nurse asks us.
I’m so numb that I can’t speak.
She nods at me but speaks to Casey. “Is she okay? What does she need to be seen for?”
Casey shakes his head. Even though he’s right next to me, he sounds like a million miles away. “No, we’re looking for someone. She got a phone call from a nurse…Mary Callahan?” I’m surprised at how calm he is considering that his best friend could be dying in the next room. I lick my lips and prepare to speak before the nurse types on her computer and her face drains of all its color.
“Let me get in touch with Nurse Callahan. Have a seat.”
“Is he dead?” I say a little too loudly before she sneaks off. “Oliver Jackson…is he dead?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know, honey. Have a seat and I’ll call her to come speak to you in private.”
“I don’t want to have a fucking seat!” I scream.
She isn’t amused. “You either have a seat or I can have someone escort you off the property. Then you’ll never know your answer, will you?”
I’m about to start cussing her out when Casey laughs nervously and holds his hands up to her in defeat. He pulls me away, pushes me down in a chair, puts his arm over me like a lap bar on a rollercoaster, and glares at me. “You’re going to make this shit worse if you don’t calm down,” he growls.
I tap my fingers on the side of the chair. “She’s going to tell me that he’s dead.” I bite my bottom lip and look around the room, which is littered with sad people waiting for news too. “Right here in front of all of these people who don’t e
ven know him.”
Casey looks sick. “I’m right here, Julie.” He snakes his arm around mine and intertwines our fingers, squeezing. “You aren’t alone—I told you that. I won’t leave you, no matter what happens next.”
Tears stream down my face as I look at him. I know his intentions aren’t as pure as he’s trying to make them seem. He saddens when he sees me cry, and he reaches out to wipe my tears away, but I turn away. I sob into my hands and he rubs my back in small circles, letting me know that I’m not alone. I keep my hand in his because regardless of what his intentions are, I need just about anyone within a five-foot radius to comfort me right now.
“He has no family left,” I whisper to Casey. “I’m the only person he has besides you.”
He smiles at me warmly. “It’s a good thing we’re here for him, then.” I feel his warm gesture in my chest and it helps me calm down.
“You’re good in a crisis.” My voice is more of a whisper. “You’re a really good friend…to both of us.”
I see him cringe. “Let’s just see how this goes and we can talk about whatever you want later, okay? I just want you to focus on Oliver.”
A woman in her late-forties with short, chestnut-colored hair smiles at us and leans over from her chair a few feet away. Her smile fades when our eyes meet, but she looks over at Casey with stars in her eyes. “You are very sweet to your girlfriend,” she says. Casey blushes and doesn’t bother correcting her. She nods at me. “You are lucky to have such a sweet man in your life.”
I let go of Casey’s hand instantly. “He’s just my friend.”
The woman gasps. “Oh, I just assumed by the way you held his hand—”
Casey exhales loudly. “Thanks for the compliment, ma’am. Please excuse Julie—she’s a little distraught right now. We’re waiting to see if her actual boyfriend is alive.”
The woman frowns. “I see. Well, good luck.” She stands up to go sit as far away from us as she can. Casey snickers, and it makes me a little uneasy. I appreciate what he just did, but what the hell was that about? I don’t like random strangers knowing my business.
A hot flash of fire zips through my body.
