by Nicky Shanks
I love you so, so fucking much right now.
The second voice leaves the room and I hear the door close behind her. Julie is inches from me and I scream inside my head just to wake up and see her.
“Can you hear me?” Her voice is now soft and scared. She cries but I can’t do anything to comfort her and it makes me angrier. “Oliver, can you hear me? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand, okay?”
I want to squeeze her damn hand so badly it kills me inside.
She sobs a little harder and I can’t do anything.
Oh, Julie.
My Julie.
“You have to wake up,” she says in between sobs. “You have to wake up so we can put all this bad stuff behind us and live our lives. I can’t even breathe without you—”
I want to smile.
The second voice returns. “Mrs. Jackson?”
It takes Julie a minute to remember who she said she was. “Yes?” I can feel her sunshine rush through my body and I welcome the warmth. “Is there something wrong?”
“No, we’ve found a doctor in Virginia that can repair his lung. He can fly out in a few hours and do surgery first thing in the morning.”
Julie’s breath quickens. “Will he make it through the night?”
“That’s the best we can do. Should I have him catch a flight?”
“Yes, get him here,” Julie demands. She doesn’t hesitate or ask how much money it will be. I love her more in this moment than I ever have before. She isn’t the quiet, docile Julie I met months ago anymore…she’s changed.
She’s my perfect match.
I can’t leave her now…I just can’t.
***
A movie plays in my head as I feel cold again.
I see my mother and Mac screwing on my parents’ bed, and Mac chasing me down the hall when I catch them. I see him beating the shit out of me—a scared little five-year-old boy.
“You’ve fucked things up for me for the last time, you little shit!” my mother screams.
The front door slams as they leave. I hear a car engine start and they peel out of the driveway before I even feel safe enough to pull myself out of the fetal position and creep to the window.
They are actually gone.
Not standing outside, smoking.
Gone.
I hold my sides and cry. I hurt all over from where Mac kicked me. The walk into the kitchen seems longer than it should; I reach for the telephone on the wall and look at it with sadness. At five years old, I’m fragile and small…and now alone.
I dial the number that Daddy had given me for emergencies.
A woman answers. “Hello?” Her voice is raspy and low.
I don’t know what to say. “I’m calling because my daddy said to.”
The woman chuckles. “Is this Oliver?”
“Yes, this is Oliver,” I say, but I have to sit down on the cold, brown-tiled kitchen floor because my sides hurt so bad that I can’t breathe. “I need help.”
“I’ll send help to you. What happened?”
I cry out in pain as the woman yells for me on the other end. “My sides hurt; the man that was here with my mommy kicked me.”
She gasps. “Are they still there?”
“No,” I say, and the world gets fuzzy around me. “I don’t feel very good.”
The world goes dark.
I think I must be dead.
I wake up to a middle-aged woman hovering over me. She sees my eyes open and kneels down to cradle me as if she brought me back to life herself. She makes a shushing sound and holds me close, patting my head. “It will be okay. There’s a doctor on his way and your dad is on his way home, okay?”
I look up at her; she comforts me. “When will he be here?”
“Soon—he’s on his way.” She brushes my hair back. “My name is Mrs. Atchley, and I’ll be taking care of you when your Dad’s away from now on…would that be okay?”
I don’t remember what I tell her before passing out again.
***
“Is he alive? What just happened?” Julie’s frantic voice comes into my mind. Now there are too many voices around me to tell who they are. Through the others, her voice fades away and I can’t even open my eyes to see her one last time. I’m so pissed that I want to kill every single voice in that room so I can hear hers. As they all shout around me, Julie’s warmth fades and the chill of death attacks me again.
“Get those chest paddles, he’s—”
“Ma’am, you need to leave the room!”
“What the hell is happening? Casey, don’t! I want to be here!”
“You gotta leave, Julie…”
“Get her out of here!”
“No, no! Don’t touch me, Casey!”
***
The sunlight hits my skin and I feel peace for the first time in a long time. I’m stupid enough to think that if I open my eyes, I won’t be dead.
I am so fucking dead.
“Hey kid, open your eyes.”
Dad?
“Hey, back up, son. I can’t throw you the ball when you’re five feet from me, can I?” His laugh makes all the air leave my lungs. As I stand in front of him, it’s like looking into a mirror. There’s no fucking way he isn’t my father. His dark, shaggy hair falls in his eyes as he looks down at me; I hold out my hands and I have kid-sized arms and hands.
“Oliver, go long!” He laughs again and starts slowly backing down the plush, green lawn of the house we moved to after my mother left. He moved us to a gated suburb outside of Rockford so she couldn’t find us. I know the real reason he stays so close: He will always love her.
I skip the opposite way from him and see someone’s reflection in the kitchen windows who’s trying to stay hidden. When I lock eyes with her…she vanishes.
My father says my name and I turn around, catching the ball. “Good job, Oliver!” He jumps and throws his hands into the air. “You did it!”
He’s proud of me.
I smile.
Who was that woman? I don’t remember seeing her before.
***
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
“Hey, are you still with me?” Julie says, and I feel nothing. I don’t know if she’s taken my hand into hers, if she’s kissed my cheek, or if she’s even close enough to touch me. I can’t feel anything except the annoying chill surrounding my body. “Is he stable now?”
The second voice returns. “For now.”
Julie sighs. “Can Casey come back in now?”
“Of course, shall I get him?”
“No, I’ll do it.” I hear her stand up. Her voice gets closer to my ear. “I’ll be right back; don’t you go anywhere.”
I beg my mind to let me reach out for her.
I was in perfect physical health until I broke the rules and love cracked my heart open, letting bad things inside. The monitors around me beep slowly, sometimes in sync like a song. The beeps are getting slower and slower with each minute that passes.
I’m dying a slow death.
***
“I have to go out of town next week; Mrs. Atchley is going to watch you.”
Dad.
I feel myself shake my head, shaggy dark hair in my eyes. “I’m almost fifteen—can’t I just watch myself?” I watch him seriously think about it for a few minutes. “I mean, come on, Dad. I know how to take care of myself. When are you going to start letting me?”
He shakes his head in exhaustion and rubs the bridge of his nose. “Ollie, please. You know I can’t let a fourteen-year-old run around without any adult supervision. You can stay home alone when you’re seventeen.”
“Seventeen?” I yell at him. “That’s so fucking unfair!”
“Oliver Frankford Jackson, language!”
I feel the anger filling my chest. “Fine. When is she coming?”
“Any time now.”
I throw my arms up in frustration. “Of course! Wait until the last minute to tell me like always!”
> I remember this fight. This is the last time I would ever see my father alive.
I want to fucking wake up.
Right. Now.
“Okay, she’s pulling up. I have to go…please mind her, okay?” His eyes meet mine and they are serious. “Need I remind you the list of things not to do to Mrs. Atchley?”
A laugh escapes me. “No, I still have the list you made me on my desk.”
My father smiles, hiding his laughter as Mrs. Atchley comes in through the front door. She notices our exchanged smirks and frowns. “Oh Jesus, what did I walk into?”
“Okay, Ollie. I will see you in a week. Mrs. Atchley, thank you once again.” He kisses her cheek and she swats him away. I want to reach out to him and beg him not to go. If I only knew I would never see him again—I would’ve grabbed him and made him stay.
Mrs. Atchley closes the door behind him, the heavy rain dripping from her graying hair. Loud thunder kept me up that night…I remember I wasn’t able to sleep enough and fell asleep in study hall the next day.
I didn’t know my father was dead until the next morning.
And it was too late to say goodbye.
***
Rain.
The face of the man I hit first is seared into my brain. I tried to pump the brakes so hard that my foot got stuck beneath the pedal after the wreck. I think hard about what happened as I hear Julie’s faint breathing next to me.
Was the man alone?
I really fucking hope I didn’t kill him.
I didn’t see the truck push me into the intersection; I didn’t see him panic and try to flee the scene, either. The machines around me beep a little faster, but I think I’m the only one who notices.
The man’s face comes back into my mind.
The horror in his eyes haunts me.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
The chill has returned.
“Do you want some coffee?” I hear the second woman say. “My shift ends in a few minutes and I can get you some.”
Julie sniffles close to me. “Coffee would be wonderful, thank you. It’s cold in here, right?” she asks someone.
I hear someone walk away from my other side. “Let me turn up the heat for you. Is that better?”
I hear Julie move closer to my ear. “Much better, thanks.”
No.
It’s still freezing fucking cold.
That’s my death you feel in the room, girls.
Chapter Thirteen
Casey
The waiting room outside Oliver’s room is small, but the sofa I manage to stretch out on is comfortable enough to make me try and forget why I’m here in the first place. I don’t want to think about my best friend—my brother—lying in a hospital bed, dying. I think about Julie and hope she isn’t hovering over him, crying her eyes out.
All I want is for someone to love me like Julie loves Oliver.
He’s going to kill me when he wakes up. I know he’ll be pissed about me going to her house; he’s going to read too much into it and blow his top. Ever since she invited me to stay for dinner the other night, I know he’s seen the envious way I’ve been looking at her.
I think about Julie and how suffocating it must feel to see someone you love, but not be able to talk to them. I know we had a moment in the car, but I can’t allow myself to think about that right now. I’ve been like this forever; I always want what Oliver has.
Money.
Girls.
Popularity.
Charm.
Good looks.
Heather jumped at the chance to betray her new boyfriend.
Julie isn’t like that.
I’m able to snuggle into the sofa and a tall, tired-looking nurse brings me a pillow and a blanket. I smile at her and she lets me doze off for a few minutes. I don’t sleep long until I hear the nurse come back and shake a bag of chocolate chip cookies and a small can of lemon-lime soda at me. “You remind me of my son. Are you waiting for someone?”
I tear into the cookies. “My friend is in that room.” I point to Oliver’s door. The woman’s eyes light up in intrigue and her familiar-looking green eyes peer into mine.
“Oh, Oliver Jackson.” Her voice is like razors on my skin. “That poor boy. It’s a shame what happened to him, isn’t it?”
I open my mouth to speak, but she shoves more snacks and soda into my lap. “You might be here a while.” She flutters her faint eyelashes at me. “Don’t mention where you got those, okay?” I’m trying to place her in my mind; she doesn’t look like a normal nurse. Her skin looks rubbery and cold; the bags under her eyes are a different shade than if they were just dark from exhaustion. She smells like cigarettes and alcohol so much it makes me gag.
I know her from somewhere.
I try harder to think about where I know her from, but she walks away, her pale-yellow nurse scrubs disappearing behind a blue door. I stash the snacks, but I hear someone with a familiar voice enter the room, distracting me.
“Is he going to be okay?” Nora asks me, her gaze fixed on Oliver’s door.
She can’t even look at me.
I look at her, sadness between our bodies. “I don’t know. Julie is still in there.”
Nora’s glowing brown skin looks so delicious that I forget she isn’t mine anymore. The way she found out I cheated on her plays in my mind as she sits across from me…as far away from me as she can get. She puts her crutches next to her and sighs. A burning ball of fear sticks in my throat and I watch her try not to look over to talk to me.
“Nora—”
She shakes her head and her gold hoops jingle. “Don’t you dare.”
I close my mouth. I just watched whatever feelings she had left for me float into the air and vanish. We wait in silence together for over an hour before her leg starts to hurt and she texts someone and looks at the wall next to my head. She doesn’t even bother saying goodbye before she leaves. I put my head back down on the pillow and try to force myself to sleep.
My life is a train wreck.
“Hey, are you awake?” I hear a soft, sweet voice gently graze my ear. It makes me feel warm inside and I snuggle into the blanket, smiling. “Casey? Hey, can you wake up?” A small body scoots mine over a little and sits next to me. Her ice-cold hand touches the bare flesh of my arm, but I don’t shiver or shake her off. I welcome the cool touch on my skin and wake up with a wide smile on my face. “Casey?” Julie’s voice changes and she releases me instantly.
“Oh, shit,” I whisper, looking at her. “I’m sorry…I was dreaming about someone.”
She blushes and lowers her blue-eyed gaze.
Oh, no.
I’m starting to like her.
This is so fucked up.
She brushes her hair behind her ears and the pit of my stomach tickles. Someone as gorgeous as she is shouldn’t be doing that herself.
Well…she has someone to do it for her: Oliver.
She clears her throat and tries to lock her eyes with mine again. “Do you want to come into the room and see him?”
“Of course I do—is he okay?”
She doesn’t nod or smile. “The hospital found a special surgeon to fix the tears in his lung and kidney…he’ll be here in the morning.” I see the sob she’s trying to hide, and I want to pull her against my chest and hold her there.
What is it about this girl that makes people fall for her?
She lurches toward me and falls against my chest. All I can do is rub her back and comfort her. Her sobs turn violent and louder, but she clutches onto me like she belongs there. “T-They aren’t s-s-sure if he’ll make it through the night,” she says in between sniffles and coughs.
A hole burns straight into my chest when she says this to me. I don’t know what else I can do for her, but I know what I want to do.
I lower my head on her shoulder and start to cry. The small grip she has on the back of my shirt excites me as it tightens and she cries harder. “He’s going to die,” I hear her whisper into my chest.
>
I pull her in front of me and look down into her eyes; I hope she can find comfort in the fact that I’m hurting too. I want to be here for her. “He isn’t going to die, I promise.” I move my hands up and down her shoulders in another attempt to comfort her. “Listen, I know we hardly know each other, but we both know he’s stronger than this, right? It’s okay to be scared.”
Her eyes flicker and a small ember of blue light appears. Something clicks in her mind and she knows I’m right. Her sniffles stop and she contains herself, pushing away from me and clearing her throat. “I know, you’re right. I am scared. I don’t know what else to do but sit here and wait.”
“Waiting sucks.” I smile and watch her mouth form a faint one in return.
“Can you do something for me while we wait for him to wake up?” Sadness catches my breath and I hold it, hoping this conversation ends. “Something special.” She blushes, careful not to catch my eye.
She knows I’m jealous.
I clear my throat. “Like what?”
Julie moves her tongue around in her mouth and I have to back away from her a little. It’s hard to breathe when I can’t calm down; I can’t take my eyes off of her lips. They’re small and…juicy.
“Well, the Jeep is totaled.” I have to get away from her. “We’ll need a car when we’re ready to leave here.” I don’t have the heart to argue with her that she’s counting her blessings before they’re given. “I need you, Casey.”
Whoosh.
The air freezes and I snap my eyes closed.
Magic. Words.
Breathe—they’re just words.
“Casey?” She knows how desperate I am, regardless of who she belongs to. “Can you help me?”
I don’t think. “Of course I will.”
Her smile is full and relaxed. I could reach out and—
“Any ideas?”
“Where is the Jeep now?” I ask her, but I don’t dare let my eyes leave hers. The ocean blue has been replaced with a steel gray, and I like it…it electrifies me inside. “I mean, where did the cops take it? Maybe—” I clear my throat and let my thoughts catch up with me. “—Maybe I can get the Jeep towed to Harley’s shop if it’s salvageable.”
