by Nicky Shanks
She’ll just never speak to me again.
Her small, cold hand tucks into mine. “Let’s wait for him out here, okay? He’s not back from recovery yet.”
There’s nothing more I want than to sit here and hold her. I let her lead me to the small sofa and pull me down onto it with her; she tucks herself underneath my arm and before I realize it, she’s sleeping soundly as she snuggles into my side.
Oh, no. I have to get out of here. Why is she doing this to me?
It takes a few minutes of running through anger and confusion until I’m able to calm down. I know she’s not intentionally leading me on…it’s not her fault she needs someone to comfort her. Honestly, I lie to myself because it makes me feel better—she’s just clutching onto the first person she can. If Nora were still here…Julie wouldn’t think twice about asking me to be her errand boy instead of white knight.
Her arm snakes around mine and she pulls it tightly into her, seeking the undying comfort I know she’s longing for. I like the fact that she called me one of her best friends; it’s nice to know that someone can see the good in you even when you can’t see it yourself. She knows what I need to hear before I do.
“I want to do something special for Oliver since his Jeep is totaled. Do you think you can find one that looks like his old one?”
I nod. “I can try.”
“Casey?” Her voice is suddenly sleepy. “Why do you smell like women’s perfume?”
I make a weird face, but she doesn’t see it. “Oh, I hung out with someone last night and gave them a ride home. Her perfume must have stuck on my clothes. I stayed at Oliver’s last night so I could come straight here with your stuff. Does it bother you?”
She doesn’t answer right away. “No, it doesn’t bother me…I was just wondering.”
Her body starts to shift away from mine and it’s confusing. Is she really upset that I smell like another woman? No…that can’t be true. My arm tightens beneath hers, warning her that if she lets go now, I don’t know when we’ll be able to be like this again.
“What’s her name?”
It takes me a few seconds to remember because all I’m thinking about is her. “Lucy.”
“She must be pretty special. I’d like to meet her someday.”
I take my arm back and her eyes flick to mine. “Uh, here’s the stuff you asked me for. I have some things to take care of—can you call me when he wakes up?” I pick up the bag from the floor and put it on her lap.
“Sure, Casey.”
Her eyes cloud over again and I know it’s because I’m acting like a fool. I’m not stupid. There’s a small part of her—no matter how small it is—that has some sort of feelings for me too. I’m not making it up…I know I’m not.
“Hey.” I smile at her and wink. “I’m just a phone call away. You’re not alone.”
She shrugs. “I know. I just don’t like waiting.”
“I know you don’t,” I blurt out, and she looks at me, confused. “I mean, no one does.”
I nod at her and get into the elevator as fast as I can, shutting her out.
No one likes to wait.
But I will wait for someone like you.
Chapter Nineteen
Oliver
I’m not awake yet.
What the hell is the problem here?
I can only still see darkness, and it pisses me off with each second that passes. I’m so worried that Mac and my mother are both here with Julie that the machines are picking up my anxiety.
I’m thirsty.
And I can’t hear anyone—especially Julie—and I don’t fucking like it.
I scream but I’m the only one who can hear it. I hardly notice someone walk into the room and start shuffling things around in the drawers and cabinets. They knock over some bottles and when the door opens again, they’re startled and knock over a few metal objects. I hear Mary’s voice call for help.
“What do you think you’re doing in here?” Mary asks the intruder. She sounds like she’s across the room and the intruder is breathing down my neck. “You need to leave before security gets here and escorts you out again. Mrs. Jackson has ordered you not to be near her husband.”
The intruder laughs. “They aren’t married, you stupid twit. Open an internet search and use your pretty little head, you dumb broad.”
My mother.
I would know her cigarette smoke-filled rasp anywhere.
Mary isn’t having any of it. “You can either leave now or get arrested.”
My mother’s laugh is like long fingernails on a chalkboard. “I signed those damn DNR papers and I hear that he had complications during surgery, so why is he alive now?” Several people run into the room, and there’s so much chatter that I can’t make any of it out clearly.
“He knows! That fancy doctor my son’s fake wife ordered from another state! You there! I said don’t resuscitate him, and now look! He’s a vegetable and I’m going to sue your ass!” Her voice cuts out on her when she runs out of breath. “Why did I sign my name to those damn papers if they meant nothing?” Her whisper is hoarse and filled with the puffs of smoke left in her lungs.
Dr. Osmond comes closer to where she hovers over me. “Ma’am, those papers are for severe incidents requiring CPR or life support. That wasn’t the case for your son. He woke up during surgery…that’s all.”
My mother’s deep growl thickens as he gets closer to her. “I still don’t want that little gold digger near my son. She has no business being here.”
Mary’s voice wafts through the crowd. “She’s the wife—what she says goes. Remove her from the room, please, before Mrs. Jackson finds out she’s here.”
My mother kicks and screams as I hear how much of a fight she’s putting up while they try to drag her out. Once it’s quiet again, I can hear Mary and Dr. Osmond talking at my side about the situation.
“Is she his wife?” Dr. Osmond asks.
Mary clicks her tongue. “No, she’s not. But I know that woman has no business being here. I knew the Jackson family a long time ago in middle school; his mother is bad news.”
He sighs. “Well, keep her out of here, then.”
“I will try. I’m going to wake his wife—or whatever she is—up and let her know he’s in recovery now.”
“Okay, go ahead. I’m going to check his vitals one more time before I head up to sleep for a few hours. You’re a lucky man, Mr. Jackson. It could have been much worse for you.” He chuckles, and it makes me want to punch his lights out.
Someone opens the door and leaves.
I felt it.
I felt the breeze from the door.
I’m waking up!
I feel like I’m trying to kick and push my way through a dozen brick walls.
Dr. Osmond’s hands are poking and pushing into my skin and there’s no way he can’t see the smile on my face from being able to feel something again. The door opens again and I can smell her strawberry shampoo before she even speaks. When she leans down to my ear and I can feel her hot breath on my skin, the machines start beeping faster. “I’m so happy you made it…I would have been so lost without you. I love you, Oliver.” Her breath tickles my ear and no one notices, but a teardrop falls from my eye onto my neck.
I want to hold her and never, ever let her go again.
When I wake up, rule number two will be obeyed. I’m not taking anything for fucking granted again: not Julie, not life…not even Casey.
“Your husband made it through surgery with a few complications, but nothing that wasn’t quickly managed,” Dr. Osmond says to Julie. “You’re lucky you contacted me when you did, though—any more movement and the tears would have required a much more complicated surgery. But for now, he’s breathing well enough that we were able to remove his tracheal tube.”
“How is his heart?” Her small voice is nuzzled against my ear. “Will he be okay?”
“His other organs will grow stronger as he heals. It’s a matter of keeping him sedated for no
w and letting him push past that first wave of healing pain. He will need around six weeks for those stitches to heal properly.”
“I’ll take care of him.”
“I’ll have a nurse draw up after-care paperwork now so you can see what you’re in for.”
“Thank you. Can I be alone with him now? I’d like to be the only one here when he wakes up.”
“Of course. I’ll stand by for a few days, but the hospital will call if they need me.”
I feel the rush of the door again and squirm inside my body.
I want out of here!
She lays her head down on my lap again, and it’s the most amazing fucking feeling I’ve ever experienced. Her warmth heats my cold skin and I scream at myself to bring my arm up and capture her, but I’m still immobile. “Can you come back now?” she whispers then yawns, nuzzling into my gown. “I’m exhausted and I need you here with me.”
I’m here, baby.
I’m so tired from hitting against the brick walls, but I won’t give up. Not while she’s overwhelmed with sadness and hovering over me. My sad excuse for a mother isn’t going to kill off the last Mr. Jackson, that’s for damn sure.
I try and make my body move, but the effort drains me of whatever energy I have left. Julie puts her hand in mine and intertwines our fingers, lightly snoring as she cuddles into me and falls asleep.
I can feel her hand in mine.
I can feel her hand in mine!
A blinding light seeps into the cracks of my eyes and it burns so bad that I have to shut them tighter immediately. I pry them back open and it looks like glow-in-the-dark slime oozing though my brain.
Am I walking into the light?
This isn’t fair! I thought I was going to be okay?
My body starts to panic and the machines start beeping faster, but Julie doesn’t wake up. I see squares of some sort—grayish and spotted squares—that look like ceiling tiles above me. I blink a few times before letting my eyes adjust to the light I haven’t seen in days. I don’t know what else on my body is working and I don’t want to alarm Julie until I know for sure.
The desire to touch her burns inside of me; my body is so weak that I can barely move the arm she isn’t clutching. Trying several times, I finally manage to slowly move it up and down on the bed without waking her. The room is a private suite, and as my eyes scan everything around me, I start associating the sounds with the objects when they were used.
My toes wiggle and I can move my legs just a little; it’s enough to make me smile and this time, I can actually feel my own smile so I know it’s there.
I’m alive.
I. Am. Alive.
And everything fucking hurts.
My throat is so dry that I cough, and I expect dust to puff past my lips. It takes a few tries but I manage to croak out her name loud enough to wake the sleeping beauty. She takes a few seconds to lift her head; I can tell that she thinks she’s dreaming. When her eyes follow my torso up to my face, our eyes meet and the fire between us captures us in a whirlwind.
“Good morning, sunshine.” My laugh is weak, but I try. “Don’t cry, baby.”
“Oh my god!” She bolts up and throws her arms around me. She feels my body tense from the pressure and her grip eases, but she doesn’t dare let go. “I was waiting for you to wake up. I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”
Her lips find me and she’s devouring my mouth so hard that I can’t breathe. I don’t want to let her go, so I find enough strength to raise my hand to her cheek and pinch her chin between my fingers. “Water.” I smile against her lips. “I need water.”
She immediately stands up and pours me a glass of water, hitting the call button next to the bed. I drink the cold liquid so fast that I nearly choke. I hand the empty cup back to her and really take a good look at what I’ve missed. She’s fragile looking and her skin is so pale that it looks like paper. Her eyeliner is smudged all around her eyes in several different directions from crying and wiping away her tears.
That’s my job.
I get angry and look down at my lap. “I missed you,” I whisper, and tears form in the corners of my eyes. “I missed you more than I’ve ever missed anything in my life.” I hear her gasp so I look up and see the mascara-stained tears fall down her cheeks. “Come here.”
She moves toward me and lets me pull her as close as I can get her without hurting myself. I still have tubes and other shit hooked up to my body, but I try and pretend that it’s just Julie and me without any other bad shit getting in the way. She lays her head gently on my chest and tries to hide her small sobs, but she isn’t fooling me. I know her too well to even think she isn’t going to cry about this randomly for the next year of our lives.
I smile when I think about that.
It feels good to have a future again.
“Hey, sunshine, it’s okay. Don’t cry…I’m right here.” My breath is ragged, like I’ve smoked a pack of cigarettes through a breathing tube. I run my fingers through her soft, honey blonde hair; I almost forgot how silky and addicting it is to touch. “I need to ask you some questions…can you handle that?”
She nods and wipes her cheeks. “I can do that.”
“Did the man die? The man that I hit?” I brace myself for her answer. I realize I should have waited a few minutes before asking anything like this. I’m already feeling like I’m going to puke just thinking about it. Her eyes glaze over and she looks confused. “The man in the car that I hit before rolling the Jeep…did he survive?”
She slowly shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry. He didn’t make it, Oliver.”
I have to hold onto her hands so I don’t fall off the bed from how dizzy I’m getting. “I killed him? I killed him and I’m alive? Are you sure, Julie…are you sure he’s dead?”
The door of the room opens and a woman with short brown hair and green scrubs comes into the room. A smile spreads across her face when she looks at Julie and then back at me.
“Mr. Jackson! You’re awake!”
“Nurse Mary.” I nod and she looks confused how I know her name. “Is he the only person that died?” I watch her nod her head and I can tell she feels sad for me. “Does he have any family? I’d like to pay for his funeral and whatever else they need.”
“I don’t know, Mr. Jackson, but I can find out.”
I shiver and choke back tears. “Please do.” I look at Julie, who can’t take her eyes off me. “I was rushing over to see you, Julie.” I try and soothe her before she has an anxiety attack like that last time she was under too much stress. “I ran a stoplight—I know I did.”
Julie shakes her head and her hair falls around her angelic face. “No, the man behind you slammed into you and made you go into the intersection, Oliver.” Her eyes darken and I can’t help but keep noticing how sick she looks. “Are you saying this is my fault?” Her whisper is sharp and laced with hurt.
“Of course not.” I squeeze her hand. “I’m just angry. This isn’t your fault. It’s going to take me a long time to even believe that it’s not mine, either.” Her smile is weak; I want to take away her pain so fucking bad that it’s consuming me. I pull her down and kiss her lips, not caring that Nurse Mary is still in the room. “I missed you so bad…wife.” She blushes and her hand squirms inside of mine but I hold on tight. “What’s wrong, Mrs. Jackson? Are you blushing?” I tease her and tug on her arm, pulling her lips back to mine. I can feel her quick heartbeats as I glide my lips across hers, and she blushes so hard I can feel the heat on her mouth.
Her eyes widen when she sees my hospital gown raise where my hard-on grows. “You just got out of surgery—and nearly died—and you’re thinking about…” Her beautiful head turns to glance at Mary and she whispers, “sex?”
I laugh so loud it echoes in the room. “There isn’t anywhere I won’t want you. I nearly died, Julie—it only makes me want you more now that I can have you again.” I bite my inner cheek as Mary puts something into my IV and my head starts getting fuzzy. “At leas
t tell me if you’re pregnant or not. I didn’t get to read the results.”
“You didn’t? I thought that’s why you were coming over.”
“I was coming to see you. I didn’t like how things ended.”
She whimpers and her body is out of focus for me. “We weren’t ended.”
A goofy smile spreads across my face and I nearly start drooling on myself. “Tell me. I want to know what my future holds.”
“I’m not pregnant, Oliver.”
I study her face and I don’t see as much sadness as I thought I would see.
But I’m sadder than I thought I would be.
“Are you okay?” She squeezes my shoulder in comfort. “Are you upset?”
I shake my head. “I’m just tired.”
“I put a light sedative in your IV, just to help you sleep,” Mary says. She smiles at Julie like a big sister would. “You need more rest before you can get out of here, Mr. Jackson.”
Julie hiccups, more tears streaming down her face, and pulls my blanket over my chest. She kisses my cheek, then backs away before I can grab her and pull her into this bed with me.
“You should get some sleep. I’m going to run home to shower and change. Is there anything you want from the apartment when I come back?”
“No, just hurry back. I don’t care if you shower. It’s not like you’re letting me touch you.” I pout and both of the women laugh at my stubbornness.
“Okay, you big baby. I’ll see you soon. I love you.” She winks at me and nods at Mary before closing the door behind her.
She’s gone again.
Mary mumbles something and leaves me too.
The room is silent again, just me and my machines.
I rest my head back onto the pillow and breathe out deeply.
I close my eyes and I’m too afraid to fall asleep. I don’t want to lock myself in the prison inside my mind again.
