by Nicky Shanks
Heartbreakers aren’t in an online database.
A wide smile spreads across my face. “No, it’s okay. I don’t feel danger from you.”
I thought this would make him happy to hear. Instead, he frowns as if I’ve offended him. “I guess I’m not the dangerous kind. Does that bother you? That I’m not a bad boy?”
I giggle, and I can’t stop myself. “No one says the phrase ‘bad boy’ anymore, do they? Casey, nice guys are underrated and unappreciated. I’ve always wanted to be with a guy who opens doors for me and courts me.”
He laughs. “Courts you? What, are we in the early nineteen hundreds?”
I know he’s joking, so I stick my tongue out at him playfully. “You know what I mean. I’ve never been on a real date before. No one has ever taken the time to figure out what to do with me other than stick me on their arm and forget about me.”
“Well, let’s forget about our pasts and just focus on the future. Now let’s finish this god-awful chick movie and watch some robots fighting or something.”
I finish my cake and take our dishes to the kitchen, hoping he’ll follow me. I’m not sure Casey has that intuition—the kind where you can read women so well that you keep doing things they secretly want and like without any effort. I’m sure it’s a learned trait at best, so I don’t dwell on the fact that he’s still waiting for me to come back to him on the sofa.
He hands me a newly topped-off glass of wine and smiles as I snuggle back into the nook of his arm to watch the rest of the movie I wasn’t even paying attention to in the first place. It’s nice to be calm and happy with someone, no matter who it is.
The movie ends and we notice that the night sky is even darker now through the sliding glass doors that lead to his balcony outside. The crooked smile on his face warns me that he’s got something up his sleeve, but I don’t say anything as he pulls on socks and boots and disappears into his bedroom. When he emerges, he’s carrying two sweatshirts and two more smaller blankets. “Put your shoes on, we’re going outside,” he demands, winking at me. There’s nothing I can do but what he wants; I’m curious to see what he’s planning.
I let him lead me outside and close the door behind us. The crisp October night air attacks my body and I shiver. He folds the blanket around me and tightens me into it, looking down at me for confirmation that I’m not freezing anymore.
“What are we doing out here?” My teeth chatter and I watch him pull a small bench away from the wall.
“We’re going to do some stargazing. Have you ever taken the time out and just looked at them? It’s remarkable; sometimes you can see things you wouldn’t normally see.”
I watch the child-like excitement in his eyes; he’s really serious.
“Like what?” I join him on the bench and let him put his arm around me. “Like aliens or UFOs or something?”
His laugh is hearty and it’s one I’ve never heard from him before. It’s almost like he’s loosening up to feel something other than the pain he inflicts on himself by overthinking and trying to be someone he’s not. “No, nothing like that. I don’t think so, anyways.” He laughs again and tightens his grip. “I come out here to think sometimes. It’s nice to just be out here with nothing but the air and the night sky.”
I want to kiss him, but my lips are a little too frozen for it to be pleasurable. This man—a man that picked me up from the side of a sketchy road wearing a too-short dress—is opening up to me, and it just feels so…real.
“And you’re sharing this with me? I don’t know what to say.”
His blanket unfolds from around his body and he tucks me inside with one swoop of his large arm. Casey just wants someone to feel his pain—someone who understands what it’s like to want something so bad but it’s always out of reach. I can be that person for him if he really lets me try. I moved to Rockford to be close to Heather and feed off her infectious personality to try and get what I want out of life.
The problem is…I’m not even sure what I want anymore.
“There!” His voice electrifies me as he points to the sky. I immediately look at that section of the inky canvas above us and see it.
A shooting star.
“That means good luck is coming to us, right?” He smiles. “That something good is coming our way. I really hope that’s true.”
I can’t take it anymore. I have to know something—anything—about him.
“Casey, can we talk?” My voice is almost a whisper because I’m not quite sure I want to open a conversation that can lead to him slamming the door in my face.
“Uh-oh, that doesn’t sound good.”
I make a point to lean up and kiss his lips before smearing a comforting smile on my face. “No, nothing bad. I just want to know more about you. You seem…reserved about something and I was just wondering—”
He sucks in air through his teeth, like pain is shooting through his chest. “There’s nothing about me that you need to worry about. I’m just a guy who’s looking for good things to happen to him, and you—” he tries to push the handsomest smile he can muster onto his face, “—just might be one of them.”
My heart flutters and I have to clutch my chest for it to stop. “I’ve done some things in life that I’m not proud of, Casey.”
“We all have, Lucy. I’ve been in love with people that I shouldn’t be.”
That doesn’t sit with me well, maybe because I’m starting to like him. It’s weird, being so close to someone you don’t even know. He’s a sad person but he tries to hide it so well that he loses himself in the process.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to upset you.” His voice drowns me in sadness. “I’m just really tired of messing things up for myself. I want a normal relationship where I’m not constantly worrying about losing it.”
I nod my head because I know exactly what he means. “I want that too.” The tone of my voice surprises me. “So maybe we can get to know each other better before we go any further in finding what we both want.”
“Okay, what do you want to know?”
I push myself out of his warm cocoon and he gets up, disappears into the apartment for a few minutes, and comes back with a new wine bottle and our glasses. He hands me my newly filled glass and bends down to light a fire in the pit a few feet from us. I like that he automatically puts his arm around me when he sits back down, and he makes sure that I’m comfortable before getting himself into a good position. “Okay, now I’m ready.” He snorts and tips the red liquid to his lips. “Now, what is a good topic to start with?”
“We can start with…how did you end up in Rockford?” I say, hinting that I want to talk about how I actually ended up here. I vow to leave Heather out of it and sugarcoat some things, but for the most part I’m planning on being honest.
Unless he’s not honest with me. But I have no way of knowing either way.
“I grew up here.” He stretches his long legs out in front of us. “Born and raised. What about you? I know you didn’t grow up here…I would remember someone like you.”
I blush. “Someone like me? What does that mean?”
He laughs and it’s like silk ribbons floating in the air. “I didn’t mean any disrespect. I only meant I would remember someone as beautiful as you are.”
I wasn’t always this beautiful.
“I grew up in the south,” I say and shake my head. I know I’m being vague, but I just don’t like people knowing things about my past self that will embarrass me. “I lived with my parents. I have two brothers and a pretty normal life.”
“Vague.” He scratches his chin. “Where in the south?”
I get nervous and he pulls his bottom lip in with his teeth. “I-I lived in a lot of places…we moved around a lot until we settled in a small town about thirty miles outside of Atlanta.”
“Were your parents in the military?”
I start to sweat and swallow the lump that’s gathering in my throat. “No, they’re real estate agents. We just moved around a lo
t, nothing special.”
He accepts that I don’t want to talk about my family…and he seems okay with not talking about his too. The truth is inside of the lie; I did live with my parents and we were a normal family…right down to my very much older twin brothers, Max and Tyler. We lived a normal, boring life and at the time, I was okay with it. I didn’t know of life outside of the lower-class outskirts of Atlanta. I lived the life my parents wanted me to live; I focused on school and more important things than parties and boys. I got good grades and I got my real estate license to make my parents proud while my brothers towered over me in everything else.
Max is a pediatrician who graduated medical school with no debt and top of his class.
Tyler is a lawyer, got loads of sports scholarships, and graduated from law school with no debt and money in the bank.
I’m the hopeless younger sister that they don’t expect much from. I didn’t get a scholarship or any free money for school; I worked at a fast-food restaurant and took night classes.
I feel Casey’s hand in mine and my body warms up from my fingertips touching his. He can feel my sadness, I’m sure. “Maybe we should focus more on the now instead of our pasts, yeah?” His deep chestnut eyes play with mine as he bends over to kiss the tip of my nose. “There’s nothing more important to me than honesty, and once I can’t trust that you’re giving me honesty anymore…that’s it. So just keep that in mind.”
A small noise escapes my throat. “It goes both ways, you know. Maybe we should set some rules between us…judging that we both are in desperate need of something that we’ve been looking for.”
He nods. “Okay, what are the rules?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know, we can make them up as we go. Like…okay, our first rule can be something like—”
“Wait.” He holds up his hands. “My best friend lives life by a set of rules and it’s not working out too well for him. Maybe we should skip that.”
I laugh and shake my head. “We’re a mess.”
His arm tightens around me and he makes a grunting noise. “You can say that again. Look, I don’t know how to be with someone…like at all. I always ruin it, so look forward to that.”
“Casey…” My voice trails off because I don’t know what to tell him. I’m a mess just like he is. We both deserve better, but we don’t know how to get better. It’s even crazy to me that I’m sitting here with a man I hardly know, talking about intimate things that should be avoided on a first date altogether. “I think maybe we should just not try so hard.”
He frowns. “That sounds promising, not trying so hard. I’ve always exhausted myself trying to get what I want, but you’re saying we should let it be and come to us when it wants to?” The smile that spreads across his face is intoxicating. He’s handsome, like really handsome, and that unsettles me. I’m no good around handsome men; I say and do the wrong things, but this time it’s different. This time it feels…safe.
“I’m going to say or do something to make you run,” he warns.
I sigh. “Likewise. Let’s just promise to hold on for dear life.”
He chuckles and unwraps himself from the blanket, pulling me up next to him and swooping down to pick me up in his thick arms. “Hold on, then.” He laughs and we go back into the warmth of the apartment.
Casey is deep and has real feelings.
I don’t want to hurt them, but I don’t want him to know how painfully plain I was before I moved here.
I don’t want him to know anything about me.
That is all shades of messed up.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Brandon
My heart nearly explodes from my chest.
Julie is outside.
Julie. Is. Outside!
Wait, but she brought Oliver with her.
Look at his smug, annoying face.
For a guy who basically cheated death, he still looks better than me, and that pisses me off. There isn’t any time for that right now, though. I have to warn Heather about who is walking up the driveway at this very moment. I should’ve told her when I got back home, but she was in the shower so I left it alone. I planned on telling her before now, but here they are, slowly walking up the grass to ring the doorbell.
Heather is humming to herself in her purple room when I knock on the door and open it before she has time to invite me inside. “Well, hello boyfriend.” She puts a sweet tone in her voice and smothers me with it like honey. Her slippery, wet glossed lips dart toward mine and even though I’m totally grossed out by the sticky mess, I kiss her back anyway.
I fake a smile and grab her waist, pulling her away from me and getting a good grip on her so she can’t run. “I have something to tell you, girlfriend.” I look nervously behind me and see her glare at me in the process. “You probably aren’t going to like it, either.”
She pushes herself from me completely. “What is it?”
Okay, here we go.
I take a deep breath. “Oliver and Julie are here. She’s picking up some of her stuff from that room upstairs.” I blow out the rest of the air and watch her closely for a temper tantrum. She has about sixty seconds to throw one. She purses her lips together and squints at me, as if she’s waiting for me to continue. I shrug my shoulders and turn to leave, but she gently grabs my arm and tugs me back to her, making me land a few inches from her lips.
“Is there anything I can do to help you get through this?” Her eyelashes touch her cheeks and I can feel excitement in my bones. I have to push her away and clear my throat to compose myself just as I hear the doorbell ring. Heather laughs because she knows I’m playing the fool. She knew that she would get me heated and that’s why she did it, that little sneaky—
Bells ring around me.
“Okay, they’re really here now.” I breathe in deep for a few seconds longer than I should. Heather notices my nervousness and squints her golden-brown eyes at mine. I clear my throat to show her that I can shake it off, but we both know I’m not kidding either of us for a second. “Let’s get this over with. You and I have a date with that bed.” I playfully growl and point toward her ugly, purple-infested mess of a bed.
I know that once I’m able to be close to Julie and feel her warmth again, I’m going to be putty at her feet. She’s my angel; she’s saved me from everything without so much as me thanking her.
Heather gets to the door first and forces a perfect, welcoming smile on her lips. I snicker at her because I know how excruciating it is for her to play nice. For my sake, she will. I know she will. I just hope to hell she doesn’t ruin my sudden interest in her. Most times she’s dripping with so much desperation that it suffocates me; she’s like a siren, calling you to her addicting song.
Not Julie.
Julie is sweet and pure—everything you can ever imagine a perfect life could or would be. I can feel Oliver’s prestigious ego as the door opens and the four of us look at each other with such awkwardness that it actually hurts.
“Um…hello!” Heather’s voice is even more fake than her smile. She moves her body to the side of the doorway with me, extending her arm out for the two of them to walk into the house without touching us. I can feel the confusion coming from Oliver and Julie and she helps him hobble into the hall. Julie looks around nervously, like she remembers only the bad times she’s had here with me.
There were good times too.
A lot of good times.
Before I fucking ruined it.
I cringe when I think about how it must feel to come back here for her. “Uh, hey it’s nice to see you upright and walking again, man.” I chuckle and look at Oliver, who doesn’t even act like he heard me at all. I brush myself against Heather on purpose, so she can jolt me back into a normal person and help me through this. She takes my hand and squeezes gently; she understands how hard this is for me because she’s feeling the same exact way.
Oliver and Julie are together.
Heather and I are…
Together.
Julie pokes Oliver’s side and he groans. “I bet it is nice to see that I can’t be erased.” His eyes find mine and my blood starts to boil. Julie pokes his side again, giving him a look I know too well.
“I mean…thanks,” he hisses. He takes a deep, calming breath. He doesn’t want to be here any more than I fucking want him here.
Why didn’t she just come alone?
She doesn’t trust me.
I don’t blame her. I don’t trust myself with her, either.
My smile grows wicked and I let go of Heather’s hand. “Are you going to be able to take those stairs and help Julie with her stuff?” I almost laugh, but Heather pinches my finger to make me calm down. I know that he would at least try to get up the stairs because he doesn’t want me alone with Julie.
Heather picks up on my frustration. In her own twisted little way, she silently decides to help me get what I want. “I can get you something to drink or eat if you want while you wait, Ollie.”
Oliver cringes. “Why can’t you call me by my real fucking name?”
Julie holds up her hands. “Okay, calm down. Oliver, please…let Heather help you down here, okay? I’ll only be a few minutes.”
Oliver snorts. “Uh, no. I’ll be okay. I’m coming up.”
“No, please don’t make me put my foot down.” Her smile matches his and it makes me fucking sick to look at. I glance at Heather—from in between their little love bubble—and she frowns, looking at the floor. I instantly glide toward her and take her hand. We listen to the both of them while our eyes lock in matching pain.
“Oh, put your foot down, huh? I’m so scared.”
Julie playfully slaps Oliver’s shoulder. “You should be. I don’t want anything more happening to you—I can’t handle any more bad things right now.”
He sighs. “Fine, only because I love you.”
