by Nicky Shanks
She takes another bite and continues to read.
February 14th, 1998
Veronica has sent Oliver a Valentine’s Day card with nothing but her name etched on the inside and a hand-drawn heart beneath the word, “Mom.” It angers me that she’s signed this card from herself like that because she hasn’t actually earned the right to be called a mother in my eyes. Maybe before she skipped town at Christmas, but now? No. Now she’s just the person who helped me give life to my son.
I hate to be so cold toward her, but I can’t help it.
She’s broken all the rules of love.
All I can do now is rebuild my walls and make my own rules.
Starting with my first rule…
Never trust her again.
My eyes get so wide that it hurts. She doesn’t dare look up at me; I know what she’s thinking before she can even say it out loud.
“Rules.” She breathes. “That’s where you get that from.”
I clear my throat and take the journal from her. “I think we’ve had enough of Colin Jackson for one day, don’t you?”
She knows I don’t want to talk about it, but it takes a few seconds for the questions to fade from her eyes. She tucks them into her mind somewhere where they’ll sit until the most opportunistic time she can bring them up. We eat in silence for the next few minutes until I can muster up the nerve to ask her about what she’s hiding.
“So, when are we going to talk about what happened at Brandon’s house?” She starts to shut down; the air grows cold between us. “I know something happened, I just want you to tell me what it is.”
“I told you, it was too many emotions. It wasn’t a good idea to go there. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry I dragged you with me.” I reach over and grab her hand, squeezing it and hoping it’s enough to reassure her that I never thought she did anything wrong.
“You deserve to have what’s yours.” I shake my head. “But I want to know. Did he do something to you upstairs? Is what why we rushed out of there?” I ask her as crystal clear as I can—there isn’t any sugarcoating it anymore. “I just need to know, Julie.”
She shifts her weight on her stool. It’s not a good feeling, watching her struggle with whether to tell me the truth or a lie. “He had ulterior motives other than just me getting my things,” she tells me, and I try not to crush her hand in anger as I listen. “But it’s nothing to worry about now. I think he actually listened to me this time and knows it’s really over.”
I’m seething now. “You and I have been together for months—he hasn’t been with you in almost a year. How is that not a clear indication of you not being together?” I don’t want to see the amount of steam that might be billowing from my ears. I don’t want to make it any more complicated for her, so I take a few deep breaths and blow them out slowly to calm myself down. “But if you say you handled it, then I believe you.” I kiss her fingers and let go of her hand.
My phone dings and Julie jumps up to fetch it for me.
“I can still do things, baby…you don’t have to be my waitress.” I smile and take the phone from her outstretched hand. “Although…it is sexy when you take care of me.”
She kisses me, letting go of the phone. “I like taking care of you—I love you.” Her voice is like a dozen butterflies emerging from a light source—airy and free, just like how she makes me feel. Before I get too much of a hard-on, I look down at the phone screen and frown.
Casey: Hey. Can we talk?
I excuse myself to the bathroom and call him.
“What?” I snap. “I’m busy.”
“I want you to meet my new girlfriend. Can you meet us?”
I almost laugh, but I don’t want Julie knowing I’m talking to someone. I don’t want her associated with Casey at all, to be honest. “How the fuck did that already happen? Didn’t Nora just leave your ass a few weeks ago?”
He walks away from someone and lowers his voice. “Okay, if you can refrain from talking about my past failed relationships, I would appreciate that very much.”
I snort. “I don’t want to meet some random chick that won’t be around next week, Casey.”
A small knock at the door freaks me out and Julie comes in, her eyes hooded and fierce. “You shouldn’t be an ass to him—he’s helped me a lot since you were in the hospital.”
Yeah, I’m sure he did.
My jaw drops. “Little eavesdropper.” I glare at her. “I don’t want to meet some random chick he’s dating. You two are too much alike.”
I instantly regret saying this when I see the sick look on her face, and Casey clears his throat. “I really want you guys to meet her. I already told Julie about her. Come on, Ollie.”
“Where?” Julie says as if she’s on the phone too. “Where do you want to meet, Casey?”
It’s so hard to resist her newfound assertiveness; I smile in spite of myself.
“Text me the place.” I groan and hang up the phone, turning to meet her gaze. “Casey has a new girlfriend every few weeks. This one won’t be around for long…why do you want to meet someone just to forget about them?”
She stands on her toes to kiss my lips, and there’s so much magic wrapped up in her taste that I lose my train of thought for a few seconds. “I just want to be there for him like he’s been there for me. Maybe this time—since someone is taking an interest in his relationship—it might last longer and be better for him. I know you love Casey. Don’t act like you don’t.”
I watch her like she’s not real.
She can’t fucking be real.
“Julie, I can’t believe you chose me.” My voice starts small. “I can’t believe that someone as kind and pure as you can love someone like me.”
She smirks and I want to kiss the corners of her mouth. “I’m full of surprises.”
“Yes, yes you are.”
Her arms snake around my body and I forget that we’re standing in the bathroom. “You need me, Oliver…that’s part of why I’m so in love with you. You need me to be who you are destined to be, and that’s all I can ever ask for.”
Jesus.
What can I say to that?
I look at my phone, speechless. “Casey wants to meet at The Tavern.”
She smiles and takes my hand. “Then let’s get dressed and go be there for our friend.”
I just want to tangle myself into you.
I feel like a kid in love the entire ride to The Tavern. I’m excited to be alive, for starters. I’m lucky to be anywhere near someone like Julie. Plus, I finally get to show her what life with me can be like for real. No smokescreens, no bad first impressions.
Just me and the love of my life.
I text Harley as we walk into the building. I want to buy him a few drinks to thank him for not saying anything to Julie about my bad decision to take another woman home with me. I still kick myself in the ass for not listening to him, and I don’t intend for Julie to ever, ever find out.
Casey waves at us from a table on the far end of the bar. I nod back and we slowly make our way through the sea of people. Julie’s hand is in mine and holding on so tight that I know she’s uncomfortable and out of her element.
“Hey guys, thanks for coming out.” Casey blushes and hugs Julie. The two of them look like stiff stick figures as they part ways. I notice their reservation and it pisses me off, but I’m not going to ruin this night for everyone by calling them out.
Julie is keeping secrets—she’s following my third rule.
I don’t know how I feel about that, exactly.
“Where’s your girlfriend?” Julie’s voice is raspy as we sit down at the table with him. “I’m excited to meet her.”
He looks around the room and his eyes light up when someone walks up to the table and puts four open beer bottles in the center.
“Guys, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Oliver and Julie—two of my best friends.”
Julie blushes and I don’t bother to look up.
“Oh, uh…ni
ce to meet you…”
Wait. That voice is familiar.
No. It can’t be.
I raise my eyes and they meet hers. Her red hair taunts me as our fear connects and we quickly look away from each other.
Okay, she doesn’t want to tell my secret.
Julie shakes Lucy’s hand and my stomach melts all over my feet. This is a fucking nightmare—what is Casey doing with her? Does he know about Lucy and me? I start to feel sick, so I snatch one of the bottles and chug it down before I can start to think too much. Julie watches me carefully, but I swipe the amber bottle from in front of her and chug that one down too.
This is a fucking disaster.
“Are you okay?” she whispers, looking at my trembling hands. “Maybe you shouldn’t drink when you’re still taking those pain meds?”
I mumble that I’ll be fine and feel her leg against mine underneath the table. I feel so fucking guilty that it’s eating my insides away each second that Lucy sits here at this table with us. I don’t fucking dare look at Lucy—in fear that someone will see through us and catch on—but I can only imagine that she’s as uncomfortable as I am.
“Hey, Casey? Do you think we can cut out a little early?” My ears focus on Lucy’s voice as I smile at Julie. “I’m not feeling too well.”
Julie’s eyes leave mine and she looks at Lucy. “Are you okay? Sometimes when I drink beer it makes my stomach feel like a bowl of acid.” Her giggle sets me on fire; I can’t fucking lose her over this. I can’t take losing her again.
“I’ll be fine. I just want to lie down. It’s nice of you to care.” Lucy lets out a nervous, small chuckle. “Maybe we can do this again? When I’m better?”
No. What are you fucking doing?
I want to scream and rip my hair out.
What else in this fucking universe is going to try and take Julie from me?
My crazy ex.
My crazy mother.
A drunk old man who didn’t stop in time.
Brandon.
Casey.
I can’t breathe—the collar of my shirt is choking me. “I need some air.” I pat Julie’s leg and she nods her head, starting to stand up. “No, I’ll be fine. You stay here with Casey.”
Casey’s eyes light up.
I know he would rather be there for Julie than for Lucy.
I half-expect him to smile, but he clears his throat and looks sheepishly toward me. “Ollie? Hey, man…let me walk you outside for some air. Lucy, can you hang in there for five more minutes? I want to make sure he’s okay before we go.”
I look directly at Lucy for the first time.
She blushes so hard that it could have lit up the entire room.
“S-Sure,” she stutters and looks at Julie. “I think we’ll manage.”
Julie smiles and kisses my cheek. “Be nice to him. I love you,” she whispers in my ear, and I want to grab her and run away. Anywhere, I don’t care…she’s going to fucking hate me when she finds out.
And then there’s Casey.
She’ll leave me and they’ll be drawn together, magnetically bound by what I’ve done to both of them. They’ll live happily ever after and I’ll die alone.
Get a fucking grip, Oliver. Julie loves you. She doesn’t even think twice about him.
The cold October air washes over me as Casey holds the door open for me to exit the building. He shivers and hands me my coat, watching carefully as I pull it on.
“I like this girl, Oliver,” he says, and I look at his face.
He’s serious.
“She makes me forget about how stupid I’ve been…she makes me forget things I shouldn’t even be thinking about in the first place.”
I lick my lips and the chilled air sticks to them. “Like what, exactly? Don’t think I haven’t fucking noticed you aren’t over your little crush on my girlfriend.”
He bites his cheek. “I’m just trying to be happy—can you say the same?”
Shit. He knows.
“Look, I don’t know what you’ve been told—”
“Cut the shit, Oliver. You know that you aren’t who people say you are.”
My head spins with so much anger that if I weren’t injured, I’d tackle his ass to the ground and swing a few punches. I know he likes Julie—he can’t hide it well. How dare he pretend that he has no idea what I’m talking about?
“You have a lot of fucking nerve to act like she means nothing to you. Give her a little more respect than that,” I snarl, watching his eyes grow darker by the second. His anger is at the same level as mine now, but he doesn’t dare move an inch toward me.
He shakes his head and takes his first step toward me. “Leave Julie out of this.”
“Leave her out of this? It’s about her…what are you talking about?”
Casey takes another step. “No, this is about who you are and who I am.”
He’s fucking crazy.
“Dude, what are you talking about?” A few people that pass us give Casey hard looks to make sure he’s not about to pounce before they head inside. “You’re being fucking weird—get the hell away from me.”
His laugh is startling. “You really don’t know?”
“Know what?” My growl is so loud that he stops taking any more steps.
“We’re brothers.”
I take a deep breath and start to laugh. “Not anymore. That stopped the moment you started thinking about Julie as anything other than your friend.”
He’s inches from me now. I can feel his breath hit my face.
“We have the same mother.”
I’m not sure who takes the first swing…
But I know that not even a broken leg—or the sound of Julie’s scream—is stopping me now.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Julie
I’ve never had to force such a fake smile as I did when I watched Oliver and Casey walk away, leaving me alone with Lucy. I guess it could be worse—she could just be some random girl that he picked up in the bar. She looks nervous as the awkward air captures her and makes her realize that I know she’s faking her sudden illness.
“Casey is a really nice guy.” My voice hitches a little; I don’t want her to get the wrong impression of my relationship with Casey…like Oliver does.
“Yeah, he is.” Her voice is bursting with sadness. “Is it crazy that I like him this much after only knowing him a short time?”
A real smile replaces the fake smile on my lips. “No, it’s not. Sometimes you can’t control where your life takes you, you know? Don’t discount what you two might have over time. Trust me, it’s not worth the agony you put yourself through.”
“How long have you and Oliver been together?”
I blush. “Just a few months.” Her eyes glow with denial, like my advice is no longer valid enough to make her feel good. “But we loved each other from the moment we met.”
“I’m a little jealous.” Her lips twitch. “I wish I could find that kind of love.”
There’s a commotion coming from the front of the bar. People are making their way outside where it sounds like someone is fighting.
“You never know. You and Casey could have a love like ours someday. Everyone is different.” My eyes go back to the door and my heart sinks a little because I know something is wrong. “And no matter how hard you try and believe it, there are no rules for love.”
I stand up and feel my body drift toward everyone filtering outside, panic settling in my bones as I see Casey on top of Oliver, swinging on him. I start to scream and push my way through everyone standing around but not breaking them up.
“Stop it!” I find the power in my voice. “Casey, get off him!”
A sharp blow hits the side of my face and it’s hard to breathe for a few seconds as I fall to my knees and try to focus my eyes.
“You’re fucking dead!” I hear Oliver scream. “Julie! Julie are you okay?”
“Fuck, Julie, I’m so sorry.” Casey’s voice is soft. “I didn’t know it was you…I
didn’t know it was her!”
Oliver pounces on him and tries his best to continue fighting, but he cares too much for me to let me writhe in pain next to him, so he lets go of Casey’s bloody shirt and crawls the few feet over to me.
I swear I see Oliver’s mother watching the scene and when our eyes meet, she takes a man’s arm and pulls him out of view. It’s probably just the ringing in my head that’s making me hallucinate.
I can feel his warm hand on my arm. “Baby, talk to me…are you hurt?”
“Someone call an ambulance!” I hear someone in the crowd scream.
I shake my head. “No, I’m fine. He got me in the eye, but the worst that will happen is a black eye.” My vision is still blurry, but I can see the tears running down Casey’s cheek as Oliver tends to me.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He winces as Oliver whips to face him. “Julie, please don’t hate me.”
I scoff. “I don’t hate you. What is wrong with you two? Why can’t you spend a few minutes alone without starting a bar brawl?” I scold the two of them like children, but I can’t help it. They act like children when they’re left to their own devices. Oliver resents Casey because he isn’t stupid—he can see the crush Casey has for me. Even though I was late to realize it and would never tell Oliver that Casey had confessed a few days earlier.
“Let’s go home. I’ll tell you there.” Oliver stands up the best he can, holding his hand out for me. His stability isn’t exactly superhuman, but he manages to pull me up and wrap his arms around me. “I have to leave or I’m going to kill him for hurting you,” he whispers into my hair.
I know that he’s serious—I’ve seen the way he fights for me and I believe him when he says it will be hard for him to stop.
We hold onto each other as Casey keeps apologizing, following us toward the parking lot. I put Oliver into the front seat as he rubs his legs in pain. I try to focus on walking around to the other side when Casey comes up and places himself between me and the driver’s side door. I try to walk around him without looking up, but I have such a headache that it’s hard to concentrate on anything.
