by Jessica Wood
“I don’t want to cause you a heartache, Maddie.” Her words cut my heart and I didn’t know what else to say.
“I slept with you on the first night I met you.” She shook her head, slightly laughing to herself. “I tried to steal a cop car to get you to like me. I’ve cried and almost begged you to be friends.” She leaned in towards me. “I’ve been slightly crazy, and I told myself that it would be worth it, that it had to be worth it. And just now, you made it all worth it.”
“I did?” I wanted to step back from her. My head was starting to feel overwhelmed with emotions and realizations.
“Yeah, you did.” She grinned. “You just told me that you’re falling for me, too.”
“Too?”
“Well, you know,” she laughed. “I’ve already fallen for you.”
“Oh, Maddie.”
“We deserve to give this a chance, Logan.” She bit her lip and leaned in and pressed her lips against mine. Her lips tasted like sweet mint and I closed my eyes as I kissed her back sweetly. I pulled away from her and grabbed her hand again.
“Come, we still haven’t gotten to the field as yet.” I didn’t want to continue talking about us. I wasn’t ready to delve any deeper into our feelings. It was all too new for me, and I needed to think. We walked for another ten minutes in companionable silence and then I saw the familiar two rocks on top of each other and stopped. “My mom and I put those rocks there.” I pointed over to them. “We wanted to make a marker so we wouldn’t forget this spot.”
“Did you guys come here a lot?”
“Maybe four or five times.” My eyes glazed over. As I had gotten older, it had been harder and harder for my mother to take me anywhere with her, especially once I became a teenager. I had not wanted to come and visit fields with mother anymore. I could still remember the last time she had asked me. I had been playing videogames with Vincent, and I had been feeling particularly proud of myself because I had bought the newest game out of money my father had given me for helping him steal a brand new Toyota Camry. I had heard her arguing with my father about letting me go with him, and she had told him she didn’t want this life for her sons. She then came to my room and asked if I wanted to go on a drive with her. I hadn’t even looked up from the game; I was still annoyed with her. “I thought we could go to our field,” she had said, but I ignored her. She left the room silently and had never asked me again before she died. That was a memory that still pained me, and I felt my muscles tighten as I stared at the rocks.
“It must have been nice to come here with just your mom,” Maddie continued and squeezed my hand as if she realized how hard it was for me to be here.
“It was nice.” I nodded. “Let’s go.” I pushed through the bushes next to the rocks and held them open for Maddie as much as I could. She squeezed through and we took a few more steps and then I stopped and stared. There in front of us was the largest field of sunflowers I had ever seen in my life, it seemed to go on and on, and each sunflower seemed to shine even brighter than the next.
“Wow, this is amazing.” Maddie’s eyes shone with appreciation. “This is so beautiful.” She gazed around and gingerly touched the petals of a sunflower in front of her. “I understand why Van Gogh painted sunflowers now.”
“They all look so similar, but if you study them, they are all so unique. The yellows in their petals, the oranges of the florets, all so unique if you stop to study them carefully.”
“I don’t really know much about flowers.”
“Me, either.” I laughed. “Sad, really, but I couldn’t name half of them for you.”
“So are sunflowers your favorite flower then?”
“Why, of course. What about you?”
“Is it cliché if I say roses?” She blushed. “Red roses are my absolute favorite.”
“They are the flower of love.” I grinned at her.
“No one has ever given me roses before.”
“Not even a boyfriend?” I teased, trying to ignore the slight stirring of jealousy inside.
“Not a one of them,” she laughed. “And I gave them plenty of hints as well.”
“What sort of hints? Maybe they didn’t understand. You know how you girls can be.”
“Hints like, oh, it’s my birthday coming up. I’d love it if someone got me roses.”
“Oh.” I laughed.
“Yeah, exactly. Anyone who was listening should have known I would have loved to have received some roses.”
“Good things come to those who wait.”
“I sure hope so.”
“So,” I asked casually. “Are you dating anyone right now?”
“Is that a joke?” She gave me a weird look.
“No.” I looked away from her. A part of me was wondering why I was going down this road of questions. I didn’t want to go down this road, because I knew where it would end up. It would end up with her asking where we were going, and what did I want, and I didn’t want to answer that. Though I did want to know more about Maddie. What was it about me that attracted her? What guys had she dated before? Did she have a history of choosing bad boys? Was she one of those girls whose goal was to fix her man? I knew I didn’t want to be that guy to her, though I didn’t know exactly what role I wanted to play in her life.
“Well, no, Logan. I’m not dating anyone. I certainly wouldn’t be sleeping with you if I was sleeping with someone else.”
“So, you don’t sleep around?” I knew the words came out wrong. I knew she may interpret my tone as disbelief that she wasn’t easy. Even though that wasn’t what I meant, I really wanted to know if she was interested in anyone else aside from me, but I didn’t want to voice it that way.
“I know it’s hard for you to believe, but no, I am not sleeping around.”
“So there’s no one.”
“There’s no one.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m just a single girl, having some fun.”
“I see.”
“You’re such an idiot.” She pushed me slightly. “I like you, Logan. Don’t you understand that?”
“What?” I couldn’t stop the smile on my face. “You like me?”
“Like that is really news to you.”
“Well, you know,” I laughed, “I’m a guy, I’m a bit slow.”
“Just a bit?”
“You know how it can be sometimes.”
“So what about you?”
“What about me?”
“So do you like me as well?”
“Hmm, that’s a bit of a hard question.”
“Logan Martelli!”
“I think I can say that I like you.” I smiled at her warmly. “I think I can say that I like you quite a lot.” I laughed at the words. If my brothers could see me now, telling a girl I liked her like some pussy.
“A lot, huh?” She grinned back at me. “Even though you were shouting at me just a few hours ago.”
“Well, you were shouting at me as well.”
“Only because you were shouting at me.”
“I’m new to situations like this, Maddie.”
“Have you been in a relationship before?”
“Of course. I’m not a monk.” I laughed at the disappointment in her eyes. “I’m sure you appreciate the benefit of sleeping with a man with experience.”
“I don’t want to think about you sleeping with anyone else.” She wrinkled her nose.
“Just think about me sleeping with you, then.” I pulled her towards me. “Just think about the feel of me as I fill you up and pound you so energetically that you can think of nothing other than the feel of my cock in you.”
“Logan.” She laughed delicately against me. “Are you trying to turn me on?”
“Did it work?” I winked at her and watched as she licked her lips. I wanted to feel her tongue on me, and I groaned as I realized how turned on I was.
“I’m not going to tell you.” She shook her head and stepped away from me.
“I see the way you are.” I adjusted myself and s
tifled another groan. “So tell me about your last boyfriend.”
“Are we going to do this now, then?” She looked at me with a question in her eyes, and I wanted to tell her no. I didn’t want to think about her with anyone else. I didn’t want to picture her lips kissing another man’s cheek, her hair trailing along another man’s face, her fingers running through another man’s hair, her eyes adoring another man’s presence.
“Just curious, but if you don’t want to,” I shrugged, “no skin off my back.”
“It’s fine. I’d like to share with you, if you’ll do the same.”
“So who’s the last guy you dated?”
“Brandon Howell III.” She laughed. “His father was from Texas and in oil. And he loved steak. Like, really loved steak. Every date we had was in a fancy steakhouse.”
“Nice.” I smiled weakly, not wanting to hear about Brandon Howell the Third, jerkoff of steakhouses.
“He was tall, about six feet, with a really nice body. He went to the gym a lot. He had blond hair and blue eyes. His mom was from Sweden.” She babbled on and I already regretted getting into this conversation. I really didn’t want to hear about her perfect ex. “He just graduated from UT Austin, and he is starting the MBA program at Penn in the fall. He’s not that smart, though, so I’m not really sure how he got in, but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that his father donated a few million to ensure he was accepted.”
“Nice.” I knew I sounded irritated, but I couldn’t help it. The more she spoke, the more I realized that this could go nowhere. I couldn’t take her anywhere fancy, I’d never be able to buy myself into a grad program. Shit, my brother wouldn’t even be able to go to community college next semester if I didn’t come up with a plan to make some money.
“Sorry.” She looked at me, worried. “I know that was too much information. Basically we dated for about two months and then I found out he had a cocaine problem and I dumped him.”
“I see. Did you sleep with him?”
“We messed around.” She looked down. “Though we never had intercourse.”
“Do you still talk to him?”
“Not really, but he does call me every now and then to hang out.”
“Okay.” My voice was short and I turned away from her to look at the sunflowers. The warmth of the sun on my face soothed me a little bit as we stood there in silence, and I was thankful Maddie didn’t try and ask me what was wrong. I was overwhelmed with unfamiliar emotions, and I was already worried enough as it was. I really didn’t need this additional stress. But somehow standing here calmed me. I felt like my mom was looking down from heaven, telling me to just relax and take it one day at a time, like she used to when I was a kid. I turned to Maddie and smiled. “When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me that I looked like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. And that one day, if I wasn’t careful, the load was going to be too much to bear and I would collapse. She always said if it starts feeling like it’s too much, just look around you, Logan. Just stop and go somewhere and look around you. And then, for a moment, everything will seem manageable.”
“Is that why you like going to fields?”
“And to the pier.” I nodded. “I love the ocean, it reminds me of myself.”
“Oh?”
“The ocean is deceptive. Some days it looks calm and peaceful, and other days it looks dark and murky. Yet you never really know what’s going on underneath. What are the currents like, the undertow, the waves? I feel like I’m the ocean to a lot of people, they don’t really see me. They see what they want to see.”
“What do most people see?”
“People see me as dangerous and stay away, and I don’t mind that. Sometimes, there are people who see me as dangerous but like the thrill of danger.”
“You mean girls?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, thinking of all the girls I had dated who liked me just because of who they thought I was. How I hadn’t cared how they saw me, they were disposable and weak and stupid.
“But what about those who see you the other way …”
“There aren’t any people who see me that other way.” I laughed harshly. “Aside from my brothers.”
“I see you the other way.”
My heart stilled at her words. The words I knew to be true. Maddie saw me as someone other than the town’s bad boy. But I didn’t feel as overjoyed as I had earlier. There was nothing I could give Maddie.
“All I will do is bring heartache and trouble to your life, Maddie.”
“I can deal with trouble.”
“You don’t need to be involved in trouble.”
“You don’t know everything about me, Logan.”
“And you don’t know everything about me. This will never work between us.”
“I thought we were just friends.”
“We are just friends.” I sighed. “But that’s all we can be.”
“Even though we both like each other?”
“Like is a fickle emotion, it will fade.”
“Can you tell me why you just won’t give me a chance?”
“I’m not good for your life, Maddie. Nothing good can come of this.”
“Can’t I decide that?”
“If it was just you and me,” I sighed. “But we have a history. There’s a history that none of us can shake, I’m sorry.”
“Do you trust me, Logan?”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in my answer. I trusted Maddie as much as I trusted my brothers.
“I trust you as well. I’m not going to ask you again about what my dad did and why you hate him. I think you’ll tell me when you’re good and ready. And that’s fine. But I’m not cool with the hot and cold game. You can’t tell me you like me in one instant and then tell me that you’re no good for me and we’re never going to work out. Do you hear me? That’s not going to fly.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Maddie.”
“Let’s give it a fair shot, can you do that?”
“I don’t understand why you care so much.”
“If you don’t have any interest in me and you don’t want to see me, then fine. I’ll move on. You’re not the only guy in the world. I’m sure there will be someone else I don’t have to beg to date me ...”
“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” I cut her off, not wanting to think of her with another man. “Aren’t I a bit old for you?”
“You’re twenty-five, not thirty-five.”
“I’m a twenty-five-year-old loser, and you’re a twenty-year-old with the world at your feet. You can do anything you want, Maddie. You can be anyone you want. Go explore the world. Go save orphans. Go and become a feminist for women’s rights. You don’t get stuck with someone like me, I’ve seen what it does to someone.”
“Are you talking about your mom?” she asked softly and I nodded. “Can we sit down?” She grinned. “My legs are a little tired.”
I turned around and crouched down. “Get on my back.”
“Wait, what?”
“Get on my back, I’m going to give you a piggyback.”
“No way, Logan. I’m too fat for you to carry me.”
“You’re not fat.”
“Well, I’m not a little kid.”
“Shut up and get on,” I commanded her. “I’m going to take us to a clearing so we can sit or lie down.”
“I can walk there.”
“No, you’re tired. Get on my back and don’t say another word.” I felt her arms slide around my neck as she gingerly got onto my back. I stood up and she wrapped her legs around my chest.
“Are you sure, Logan? You can put me down if I’m too heavy.”
“You’re not heavy at all, you silly girl.” I started walking and continued back with our conversation. “And yes, I was talking about my mom. She had her whole life ahead of her before she got caught up with my dad.” I sighed. “She wasn’t rich like you or anything, but she was smart and beautiful and she could have done anything she wante
d.”
“I know.” Maddie’s voice was soft and I stopped walking for a moment.
“What do you mean? You know?”
“My mom told me that your mom was the most beautiful girl in school. And that she had the longest blonde hair she’d ever seen in her life.”
“Your mom knew her?”
“Yeah, they were friends.” Maddie’s voice was hesitant. “Best friends, I think.”
“I didn’t know that.” I frowned at Maddie’s words. How could I have not known that?
“My dad was in love with your mom for years,” Maddie continued. “I don’t know if you knew that. He was heartbroken when she dumped him.”
“What?” I almost dropped her as the words ripped out of my body. “What do you mean, she dumped him?” I was frozen inside. How could my mom have dumped him? They had never dated before.
“Your mom and my dad dated for a few months before she dumped him for your dad.” Maddie sounded surprised. “I thought that was why you may have been annoyed with my dad.”
“That’s not why.” I continued walking until we came to the clearing and Maddie slid off my back. She had a slightly worried expression on her face.
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this. I thought you knew.”
“I had no idea. Tell me more.” My eyes focused on her face intently. “Please.”
“Well, there’s not much to tell. Our parents were best friends. My mom loved my dad, but my dad loved your mom. Your mom loved your dad. When she dumped my dad, my mom and dad started dating, but my mom was so jealous she stopped talking to your mom. And basically that was the end of the friendship. My mom says she has always regretted the friendship ending like that, but she never really knew what to say. When your mom died, she cried for a few weeks straight, and she told me everything.”
