‘It wouldn’t work,’ he told himself glumly. What a ménage à trois that would be. He, his wife and his lover. No, it would be too awkward. It wouldn’t be fair on his wife and it wouldn’t be fair on Charles. Scrap that brainwave. He had made a right mess of things and now he’d alienated Caroline. In his haste to make his big sacrifice for Charles he hadn’t stopped to consider his wife’s feelings at all, assuming that Caroline would meekly accept his decision as usual and perhaps even admire him for it. His plan had greatly backfired. Caroline had been really angry – and let him see it, too. It was rare for her to raise her voice to him. Well, he couldn’t blame her. Richard sighed. If he lived to be a hundred, he could never make up to Caroline for the grief he had caused her and the mess he had made of her life. Caroline had said that his mother had spoilt him. Maybe she was right, but now, when he was trying to make amends to Charles, it looked as if his great plan would come to naught. Charles would never agree to his accompanying him to Boston if he thought for an instant that Caroline was unhappy with the idea. And to say that she was unhappy was the understatement of the century.
Richard went out to make himself another cup of coffee. At times like this he could understand why people turned to drink. He wouldn’t mind getting pissed out of his skull, now, and forgetting all the problems that were besetting him. Caroline had brought up the subject of his mother. How would she react to the news that he was going to Boston to be with Charles? Richard sipped his coffee and admitted to himself that his idea was a bit naïve. Sarah would definitely have something to say about him leaving what had been her husband’s practice in the hands of junior solicitors. She would freak. No question. He had been fooling himself to think that he could just up and off and that people would back him up. Was he really planning to do this to make up to Charles for the cowardly way he had abused their relationship and to show how much he loved him? Or was it to salve his own conscience? If he were to be totally honest, he would have to admit it was a bit of both. Well, the way things were going, it looked as if he was going to get the chance to do neither.
‘Here.’ Caroline handed her husband a white form, an enclosure from one of the letters in the post that morning. It was three weeks since their acrimonious discussion, and tension still simmered between them. Richard had not brought up again the subject of his departure for Boston but it was something that had occupied Caroline’s mind morning, noon and night.
At first she had been adamantly opposed to the idea, but hours of tossing and turning and, in the end, being very severe on herself, had made her rethink her attitudes.
She had had dreadful panic attacks, some of the worst she had ever experienced, and it was these that made up her mind for her. The longer she existed in a state of limbo and indecision the worse they were going to get. So, on one of her mornings off, she took her courage in her hands and followed a certain course of action. The white form that her husband was looking at in amazement was a direct result of that decision.
‘Do you know what this is?’ He stared at her with a shocked expression.
‘Yes, Richard, I do,’ Caroline said quietly. ‘I do indeed.’
Fourteen
‘This is a form from the Marriage Tribunal. This is an application for an annulment?’ Richard was flabbergasted.
‘Yes, I know, I applied for it,’ Caroline said sadly. ‘I figured, if you want to go to Boston with Charles, we should make a start at dissolving our marriage. You can start taking care of the divorce end of things.’
‘But Caroline, why? I thought you didn’t want me to go to Boston. Why take such an . . . an irrevocable step?’
Caroline sat down at the breakfast table opposite her husband. ‘Because the longer we leave it, the harder it’s going to get. If you’re going to be gone, I’ll have to get used to being on my own and so we might as well set things in motion. The annulment is going to take at least five years. You should know that; haven’t you ever had a client who’s applied for one?’
‘Actually, I haven’t,’ he murmured. ‘I know very little about them.’
‘Well, the priest I went to see explained to me that after we send in the form, there will be an initial interview. As the petitioner I will be interviewed first and then you as respondent will do an interview exactly the same as I’ve done. Then we’ll both undergo psychological assessment and they’ll have to decide if we have a case before letting us on to the next stage.’ Caroline could hardly believe that she was sitting here, calmly discussing the ending of her marriage. It was as if she was talking about someone else, a very weird feeling.
Richard interrupted her train of thought. ‘Yes, but if I go to Boston, I don’t know how long I’ll be there.’
‘I know, and I told that to the priest, but at least if we have the first interview over us it will be a start, and I won’t feel as if I’m in a limbo.’ Caroline’s tone was curt. She was still feeling hurt about the way things had gone although she was trying to act as positively as she could.
‘Look, you don’t have to go through with this,’ Richard said gruffly. ‘I haven’t mentioned anything to Charles about going with him to Boston.’
Caroline shook her head. ‘I have to do it. If I don’t, I’ll never create a life or an identity for myself. I dread it but I’ve got to do it. And besides,’ she grimaced, ‘I don’t want you resenting me for the rest of your life because I stopped you from being with Charles.’
‘But you’ll feel resentful; you do already,’ Richard pointed out.
‘Do you blame me, Richard?’ Caroline said heavily, as she got up and walked out of the kitchen. ‘I’ve an early appointment. I’ll see you later.’ She left her husband looking miserable, as once more he read through the form that might well lead to the dissolution of their marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church.
Driving in to the office, Caroline felt like crying. ‘Oh, for God’s sake, stop being such a bloody wimp,’ she muttered, as she turned on to the Malahide Road. She was wallowing in self-pity and it was getting her nowhere. Hers wasn’t the only marriage that had ever broken up. If she hadn’t been so petrified of ending up on the shelf she might never have married Richard. It was obvious from the very beginning that their relationship was in trouble, but she had deluded herself for years, so she was as much to blame as her husband was. She could go on feeling sorry for herself and carrying an extremely large chip on her shoulder, or she could start making the best of things; it was entirely up to her. Pulling into the parking area in front of Corpus Christi Church on Griffith Avenue, she dialled her home on the mobile phone. When Richard answered, she said quietly, ‘Hi, it’s me.’
‘Yes, Caroline,’ her husband answered.
‘Look, I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad-tempered bitch the last few weeks. I know this mess isn’t all your fault. Let’s go for a long walk on Bull Island this evening, talk things over and see what we come up with.’
There was silence for a moment or two and then Richard said with a catch in his voice, ‘Whatever happens, Caroline, in my own way I’ll always love you.’
‘I love you too, Richard. I’ll see you tonight.’ There were tears in Caroline’s eyes as she clicked off but she felt much happier as she carried on into work. There was no point in letting anger and resentment drive them apart at this stage. They were both in this mess together and her husband was facing a very traumatic time. Staying friends was the best way to heal the scars and put an end to the bitterness.
‘I won’t allow it, Richard. You can’t just drop everything to come to Boston with me – and by heavens you can’t leave Caroline on her own,’ Charles insisted.
‘Of course he can leave me on my own. I don’t need a nanny, Charles,’ Caroline said lightly.
‘Caroline, I’m not going to be the cause of any more trouble between you. It’s unthinkable. I just won’t have it.’
Caroline got up from her armchair and went over to sit beside him on the sofa. Putting her arms around him she said very gently, ‘Cha
rles, my dear, dear friend. You’ve never caused trouble in my marriage. The troubles were there from the very beginning and were as much of my making as they were Richard’s.’ She smiled at her husband, who was sitting across the room from them. ‘Please let Richard go with you. I know it’s what he wants to do more than anything. I want to tell you something and I don’t want you to feel one bit bad about it, because for me it’s a very positive step.’ Caroline took a deep breath and held Charles’s hand. ‘I’ve petitioned for an annulment. I want to start afresh and have a life of my own. Whether Richard goes with you or not, we are separating. We’ll always be friends but we can’t stay married; we’re living a lie and it’s not doing either of us any good. I want Richard to go with you, I want you both to have as much happiness as you can, and I want to move on with my own life. And if you take him off my hands, I’ll be eternally grateful.’ Caroline smiled at her horrified friend.
Tears glistened in Charles’s eyes. ‘This is incredible. I . . . I don’t know what to say!’ Caroline hugged him tightly, feeling great affection for this kind man, on whose shoulder she had cried many times.
‘All you have to say is that you’ll let Richard go with you. It would mean so much to both of us. I wouldn’t have to be worrying about you being alone so far away. I’d know that Richard would be there taking care of you – and he’s not a bad old stick.’
‘I’m overwhelmed,’ Charles murmured.
‘And I’m parched for a cup of tea, so I’m going to make a pot while you two start making plans,’ Caroline announced, giving Charles another hug and a kiss and feeling certain that she had made the right move for all of them.
‘I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that, Caroline. You were wonderful!’ Richard said earnestly as they drove home that night. ‘Did you see the expression on Charles’s face? He was so moved.’
Caroline nodded. ‘I know he was. And I’m glad it’s worked out like this. Charles is one of the best, kindest, most Christian men on this earth. He deserves every bit of happiness he’ll have, and I’ll always be glad we did this for him,’ Caroline said softly.
‘It’s funny the way life works out,’ Richard reflected, as they drove across the East Link in the deepening dusk. The setting sun touched the turbulent grey-blue waters of the Liffey with orange-gold. Autumn had come early and the trees in Fairview Park were already turning.
‘You should try and visit New England before the autumn ends. I’ve heard it’s very beautiful,’ Caroline observed, as they drove along Alfie Byrne Road, admiring the beauty that was practically on their doorstep. Each of them was thinking that this was probably the last time they would make this journey together for God knows how long. Richard had made all the arrangements for his practice and already acquired his visitor’s visa for the States. He and Charles had decided to go to America in mid-October. For Caroline and Richard, the first interviews with the Marriage Tribunal were in a fortnight’s time. After that, all that remained was to inform Sarah Yates of their separation.
They had decided to say that Richard was taking an extended leave of absence to go to America with a view to opening a practice there to service the huge Irish community. There was no point in telling Sarah that her son was making the journey in order to be with Charles for his final days. She would not understand, never dreaming that Richard was homosexual.
Telling Sarah was a task they both dreaded, and although Caroline could have let Richard deal with his mother alone, her intense loyalty to him made her want to face the ordeal with him. Caroline was determined that this time Richard would be firm in his resolve and carry out his plan, whatever the views of Sarah Yates.
‘What was it like?’ Richard was waiting for Caroline after her first interview with the Marriage Tribunal. He had taken the afternoon off to drive her to the interview and she was glad she hadn’t had to face the dreaded event alone. He held the car door open, noting the pallor of her face and the tiredness of her eyes.
Caroline gave a great sigh of relief that this first trial was over. ‘There was just one priest and he was very nice and compassionate. But I’ve an awful longing for a drink, Richard,’ she confessed. ‘I think I’d better go to an AA meeting tonight.’
‘I’ll go with you,’ he offered immediately, as he started the engine and drove towards Drumcondra. ‘Was it awful?’ he asked sympathetically. Caroline rooted in her bag and pulled out a packet of Polo Mints. For some reason they were a help when she craved a drink.
‘It wasn’t as bad as I expected,’ she said. ‘As I said, there was just the one priest and he was extremely nice. We went through the form, you know, name, address, where we grew up, details of studies. He asked about our courtship and engagement and about the pre-marriage course.’ She sighed, and in spite of herself, her voice shook and a tear slid down her cheek. She swallowed hard and continued. ‘Then he asked when things started to go wrong and if we’d sought help, and about the divorce proceedings – and that was it really. I got a bit upset and he was very kind to me and told me to take my time and go at my own pace. But I’ll tell you, I’m glad it’s over. It was hard going back over the bad times but I tried to be as honest as I could.’ She broke down and Richard turned left up Millmount Avenue and parked in a quiet spot just below the library. Taking Caroline in his arms, he held her until her sobbing had stopped, knowing that he was going to face the same inquisition in a few days’ time.
His heart ached for his wife. Not only was she undergoing the trauma of speaking to a complete stranger about the most private, most horrible moments of their marriage; she was also trying to fight her alcoholism, which was obviously much more of a problem at such a stressful time. One thing he was sure of: Caroline had more courage than he would ever have.
She raised her tear-stained face to his. ‘If Maggie wrote our story she’d have a bestseller for sure,’ she said shakily.
Richard smiled down at her. ‘Yes, and with Mother thrown in, she’d win the Booker Prize. I don’t know which I dread more, the interview at the tribunal or telling her about going to America.’
Caroline gave him a sympathetic hug. ‘I had only one ordeal to go through. Don’t worry, Richard. I won’t desert you in your hour of need. We’ll face your mother together and if we get through that alive, we’ll get through anything!’
Fifteen
‘You’re what?’ Sarah Yates snapped. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Richard! You’re doing no such thing, I’m not allowing you to leave your father’s practice in the hands of two whippersnappers.’ The indomitable elderly woman sat in her hard chair, her back as stiff as a ramrod, her grey eyes flinty with anger.
‘Mother, John Baldwin and Martin Kenny are two qualified solicitors in whom I have the utmost faith,’ her son explained patiently. ‘Since I took them on, business has almost doubled. I’ll be keeping in close touch with them by fax and phone.’
‘I’m not interested in hearing that kind of nonsense.’ Sarah waved a dismissive hand. ‘You’re not going and that’s that. I absolutely forbid it.’ She glared at Caroline, who stared back at her in disgust. One thing was sure, Caroline thought – she was going to have as little as possible to do with that woman in the future. Caroline concluded that her mother-in-law was the worst kind of bully. In her mid-seventies, she looked a decade younger. Tall, like her son, spare and angular, her fine grey hair drawn back in a bun at the nape of her neck, Sarah Yates would have made a good reverend mother. She had that austere air about her. In all the years Caroline had known her, she had never once seen her laugh heartily or give even a hint that she enjoyed life. To Sarah, life was a battle to be won, and lightness of heart and gaiety and fun did not count. In a way, Caroline pitied her mother-in-law. How awful it must be to have such a dour outlook on life, viewing everyone with suspicion and convinced that no-one else was ever right but yourself. Even the way she dressed signalled her killjoy nature. Brown twinsets and tweeds were her usual outfits, with nothing but pearl earrings and a single strand of pearls to
soften the effect.
In the beginning, Caroline had bought Sarah lovely jumpers and scarves for birthdays and Christmas, but she had never once worn any of them, so Caroline had stopped buying them. She had stopped buying her chocolates as well, after her mother-in-law told her bluntly that they were a waste of good money. Sarah always ate frugally, never indulging in dessert. Her only concession was a slice of Oxford Lunch. No wonder Richard was emotionally damaged, after being reared by such a joyless soul.
She came out of her reverie to hear her mother-in-law snap at her. She was now directing her haughty patrician stare at Caroline. ‘I suppose you thought a junket to America would be a great idea. Wouldn’t it just suit you to be off spending his hard-earned money there? Well, you can forget it, my girl, if it was you who put such a daft idea in my son’s head. The pair of you can stay put.’
‘I’m not going with Richard, Mrs Yates.’ Caroline had to control a powerful urge to tell her imperious mother-in-law to get lost and mind her own business.
‘You’re not going? What kind of a carry-on is that? He’s going and you’re staying? Have the two of you lost the run of yourselves? It would behove you better to start a family, one of the reasons you were supposed to have entered the holy state of matrimony.’
Richard shot up out of his chair. ‘That’s enough.’
‘Don’t talk to me like that. I’m your mother.’ Sarah pointed a long bony forefinger at her son. ‘I just don’t know what’s got into you. Before you got married, you were always courteous. Now, it grieves me to say, you behave like a corner-boy at times,’ she rebuked him.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, Mother. I’m not a child. I’m a grown man and I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to America on business whether you like it or not. There’s one other thing Caroline and I have to tell you and kindly remember that it’s our business, whatever you think of it,’ Richard said sternly, his face flushed. He would rather face down a dozen judges than his mother, but she had to be told.
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