by Renee Dyer
And I can’t handle being rejected. Not by him. Not the first time I want a man after Alex.
Thinking about Alex brings a new wave of guilt crashing down on me. I drop my hand from Tucker’s face and pull my other hand free. He notices my withdrawal. I want to play it off coolly, but I can’t. I know it’s written all over me that I had a mini freak out.
“What’s going on in that pretty head off yours?” he asks, tapping on the side of my head. I want to lean in to his touch. Have the moment linger a little longer, but I don’t. I stiffen instead. Try to harden myself to his touch. Show Alex that I’m trying to keep my promise to him.
Tucker is watching me. My insides are a tangled mess. How is it possible to want him so badly when I love Alex the way I do? Who do I talk to about this?
“Adriana, you can talk to me about anything. I won’t judge you.”
Did I ask that out loud? Oh no. He’s staring at me again. No, I know I didn’t say anything out loud. Calm down, girl. Breathe. Just give him little facts. Maybe then he’ll back up a little. Make it easier for me to breathe.
“I was thinking about Alex,” I whisper. I’m so afraid to say his name to Tucker. I don’t know why. Would Alex be upset hearing me say his name to another man? I just don’t know.
Staring at my hands because I can’t stand to see the pity that will inevitably cross his face, I’m surprised when he sits Indian style at my feet. Settles himself right there so he can see my face again.
“Want to tell me about him?”
What?!?! He wants me to tell him about Alex. Why?
“Wh…what do you want to know about him?” I stutter the words out, still in shock that he’d want to know about my dead husband. Where did this man come from?
“Anything you want to tell me. You knew him best. Start from the beginning, the day you met him. Or from somewhere in high school or when you started dating. It doesn’t matter to me, Adriana. If you want to talk about him. I’ll listen. I just want you to know that.”
I feel like the Grinch at that moment. I think my heart just grew three sizes and all because Tucker is willing to listen to me talk about Alex. I didn’t realize how much I want to talk about him until he offered to listen.
I raise my eyes to the ceiling and say a quick thank you to God for sending Tucker to me and quietly say sorry to Alex. I hope he isn’t upset about me telling another man his stories. My and his stories, but his none the less.
Lowering my face back to where Tucker is sitting, I can’t help the smile from spreading across my face. My heart is bursting with joy at finally wanting to talk about Alex. And knowing I can without upsetting the person I’m talking to. I want to hug him so badly for giving this to me. For giving me this gift he isn’t even aware he’s giving me.
“Let’s pick up breakfast first and go get comfy on the couches,” I suggest, reaching down to grab his arms. My intention is to help him from the floor, but I know I want to touch him too.
The electricity is sparks through my system at the contact. If just this small amount of contact does this, I wonder what it would be like if we… feeling my entire body blush, I quickly avert my eyes to the table, the plates, anywhere but his face. I don’t want him to see me redden. See the thoughts I’m thinking about him. Again.
“Okay.”
Okay. This time I’m happy for his one word answer.
Chapter Sixteen
Victoria
Completely pissed off and in need of some reassurance, I find myself heading to Grant’s apartment. I can’t believe those fuckers are killing me off the show. I can still see the smug smile on Eddie’s face as he told me the story had been rewritten in the best interest of everyone on the show and my character is no longer a necessary character to further the story.
Best interest of the show, my ass. He pushed this through that son of a bitch. He did this to get his nose further up Tucker’s ass where I’m sure he’d like to shove something else. Tucker is so blind to the fucking man crush Eddie has on him. Best friend. Yeah right. If I hadn’t been around, I’m sure Tucker would have been dealing with a sore ass by now.
“Arrrrhhhh!” Not caring that I scare the cab driver with my little outburst, I go on castigating Eddie and the rest of the writers in my head to keep the driver from getting in an accident. I don’t care about him, but I do care about myself and getting to Grant. He’ll make me feel better.
At least I hope he will.
He’s been weird since everyone found out we’re together. Before that, he was amazing. He told me he loved me. Would hold my hands. Hold me. Listen to me. Didn’t want me just to show me off.
I may have been using Tucker to forward my career, but he was using me too. Using me to fill a void in his life. A hole that someone left that, after almost two years, he still wouldn’t tell me about. He was never cold to me, mean or cruel, but he never fully let me in either.
Grant was different. He was going to give me a life with him. Love me. Share himself. His dreams. What made him tick.
That’s what he told me anyway.
So, why hasn’t he been talking to me much since we were caught together?
Was he upset that I didn’t end it with Tucker to be with him? I had wanted to, but he told me not to. He said to wait because of the show. Now I see what he meant. I’ll be without a job soon.
I wanted to stop sleeping with Tucker because I only wanted Grant, but he said Tucker would know and I needed to keep up pretenses. Funny how a cab ride makes you look back and see things differently. See things you didn’t want to see or were too blind to see before.
If he really loved me, why would he want me to stay with Tucker? Want me to keep sleeping with Tucker? So what if they killed me off the show. Fired me. I could get another gig.
Stop, Victoria. Stop second guessing Grant. You can ask him why he asked you to stay with Tucker. Ask his reasoning when you see him. I’m sure he had a good thought process behind it. He was my rock when Tucker would check out on me.
Pulling out my compact and checking my makeup, I take a moment to wonder again about my Latino heritage. Not knowing where I’m from has always unnerved me. Not that I hadn’t grown up for many years with my parents, but they never talked about their roots before… well, just before.
I stare at my caramel skin and dark eyes. What a bitch make up is on the show to make me pale like a vampire. My hair and body are what got me the role. That and Tucker. Tucker loved wrapping his hands in my thick black hair when we had sex. I would miss that with him. That man had more drive than any man I’ve ever been with. And he knows how to push all of my buttons.
Smiling into the mirror, I reapply my favorite lipstick, Red Hot. I’m feeling red hot in the lacy, black bra and thong with matching garter I have on under my black vest, shaped to fit me like a second skin, I paired with a mini pinstripe skirt. I purposely didn’t wear a shirt to show off as much cleavage as possible knowing how Grant’s favorite part of my body is my tits. My favorite is my shoes, the black stilettos with the red leather platform and heels. I love how they make my legs look.
When the cab stops in front of Grant’s building, my esteem is back in place and I’m ready to see him. Slapping money over the seat, I don’t care about the change. Bouncing out of the seat, I step onto the sidewalk, a smile on my face, swagger in my step. I’m going to see my man.
Terrence opens the door smiling at me and I walk into the lobby laughing at him telling me about his kids. He’s such a nice guy. Benny stops me before I get to the elevators telling me Grant has a do not disturb for his apartment for the day so he can’t let me go up. I can’t imagine why Grant wouldn’t want anyone up there, but I’m used to covering my emotions and dealing with guys like Benny.
Putting on my most sultry smile, I stick my chest out a bit, making sure the girls are on full display. I learned at an early age that sex gets you places with certain men. Most men. Benny is a creep. He’s hit on me many times and I see his eyes are glued to my breasts. This
is going to be too easy. I offer to show him the new bra I bought for Grant to cheer him up if he’ll let me go up. His face lights up at the idea. I tell him when he sees it, he’ll understand why Grant will be so upset if he misses seeing me.
A minute later, I’m on the elevator heading up to see the man I love.
So, why is my stomach in knots? Why this feeling of dread?
Floor by floor, the feeling of unease increases. Maybe I should wait for Grant to call me. Why the do not disturb message to the front desk? Is he sick? If he is, I want to be there taking care of him. But, what if he’s avoiding me? What if he doesn’t want to see me for some reason?
That can’t be. He loves me. He told me he loves me. I saw it in his eyes. Felt it in the way he touched me. I’m being silly.
The elevator dings at the 25th floor and I step out. My heart is racing even though I’ve been here dozens of times over the past year. Not knowing what awaits me on the other side of his door has my mind creating too many scenarios for me to keep up with. None that are good. I want Grant to open the door, have his warm, brown eyes look me over, smile at me, pull me into his arms, into his apartment, and make love to me. Like he has so many times before. Take all my insecurities away.
Begging my heart to slow its frantic pace, I knock on the door. A few moments go by and I don’t hear any sounds or movement inside. He must be sick. I start to worry. I have no key to get in and he may need me. Pounding on the door harder, I’m relieved when I hear him yell for me to hold on a minute. He doesn’t sound happy, but I don’t care. I know he’s not passed out somewhere in the apartment where I can’t get to him.
The door opens a crack and Grant peeks out at me. Instead of opening it and pulling me inside like he normally does, he stands there looking at me in shock. “What are you doing here, Vic?” I notice he’s talking very quiet, voice barely above a whisper. It’s 11:30 in the morning, no need to worry about upsetting his neighbors.
Through the crack, I can see he only has his boxer briefs on. Instantly, I wonder why he isn’t dressed. It’s not like him to lounge around in underwear. “Had a really bad morning, Grant. I-I needed to see you.”
I hate that I sound so needy, pathetic, but he still only has the door open a crack and he’s acting like I’m the last person he wants to see. And he’s in his boxer briefs when he hates walking around without his clothes on. The dread from the elevator ride has resurfaced.
“Now isn’t a good time, Vic. How did you get up here?” he asks, disgust clear in his tone. “Didn’t Benny tell you I wasn’t to be disturbed?”
My heart drops into my toes as I hear him tell me that he doesn’t want me here. I should walk away with my dignity in place, but my heart doesn’t understand.
“Grant?” I know my round eyes have gotten large and have misted over. I hate crying in front of people, but he doesn’t want me here. I don’t know where else to go.
“Victoria,” he snaps back.
That one bark from him gets my temper flared up enough to get me talking. “Mind telling me what the fuck is going on? Last week you tell me you love me and now you aren’t talking to me and you aren’t inviting me in. What’s the deal?” Do I really want to know?
He laughs in my face. Actually laughs and it’s not a nice, “hey, you’re funny” laugh. It’s a, “I’m the villain and you should have known better” laugh. It’s evil and my blood runs cold hearing it. I don’t want to know what he’s going to say because my heart may not survive it.
“Wow. You actually believed I loved you?” He laughs again. I want to cover my ears. Tell him to stop. “Do you think I could love a slut like you? Really, Victoria, or should I say, Bitchtoria? The tabloids pegged you right on that one.”
I want to slap the sneer off his face. The love I thought I saw on his face is gone. How could I have been so wrong about him? How did he fool me?
“Why?” It’s all I can squeak out.
“You still don’t get it? It was all about Tucker, that arrogant bastard. He thinks he’s better than me. He thinks he is the king of the show. I showed him. I took what was his and showed everyone that I made you mine while he crumbled at their feet. Oh, how the mighty fall.”
The pride I feel wafting off him makes me feel sick. I can’t believe I was a part of this. I didn’t get involved with Grant to hurt Tucker. I wanted to leave Tucker to be with Grant. To keep Tucker from getting hurt. Tucker is a good guy. Oblivious at times, but a good guy.
How did I not see that Grant is so jealous, so envious, of Tucker? How did I let him use me?
“Tucker is so much more of a man than you are,” I spit at him, feeling the need to defend the man who never did anything to hurt me, but I wronged in so many ways. “You couldn’t fill one of his shoes.”
“HA!” he retorts. “I filled a lot more than that and a hell of a lot more than once, sweetheart.” I feel like I’m going to be sick thinking back to all the times we were together. “It was so easy to convince you I loved you. Guess you know how good of an actor I am now.” The smug smile returning to his face.
“You disgust me, Grant!” I scream in his face. I know it will do no good. He’s feeding off my pain, feeling even more victorious. If he weren’t behind that door, I would slap that smile off his face.
Turning on my heel to leave, I hear a voice calling for him. A female voice. My broken heart splinters into millions of pieces. He may have been faking it, but I had believed him and I gave my heart over to him. Fell in love with him. Fell in love with a lie. But I still fell in love and now I’m paralyzed by a woman’s voice coming from his apartment.
I tell myself not to turn around, but I still hear her calling for him. Asking what’s keeping him from bed. I hear her voice getting closer. Know he’s keeping the door open to taunt me. I shouldn’t give in, but I can’t help myself. I have to see who she is.
Turning around, my breath leaves me when I see Melanie Kingston standing next to him, snaking her arms around his waist, wearing one of his t-shirts. Melanie from one of our competing shows. Her blonde hair and blue eyes are such a contrast next to his dark hair and brown eyes, but I can’t deny they look stunning together and I want to scratch their eyes out I’m hurting so badly.
“Grant, what’s the hold up?” she asks, looking up at him in a way I can only imagine I looked at him many times.
Not giving him the chance to answer, I smile at her. “Nothing’s holding him up anymore, Mel. He’s all yours. Word to the wise, woman to woman, he’s an actor as he just told me and it’s easy for him to convince women he loves them. So, unless you only want to get fucked, I’d look somewhere else. If that’s all you want, then you’re in the right place because Grant, here, is always up for a good time as I can see you’ve figured out,” I say, eying her up and down before walking back to the elevator.
My eyes don’t leave Grant’s until the doors close. I refuse to let him see that I’m utterly heartbroken. I refuse to cry in the lobby or when I say goodbye to Terrence. I’ll really miss him. I’ll even miss the talk about his kids.
I need to find Tucker. I need to explain to him what happened. I was wrong. We weren’t perfect, but we filled the void for each other. We kept each other from being alone. From facing our pasts. We had fun.
Maybe we could do that again.
Chapter Seventeen
Tucker
The moment Adriana started telling me it helped her by having me here, I knew I wasn’t leaving. I still thought it was best for her if I did, but she wants me here so I’m staying. Now, I have to do right by her.
She just has to stop shoving oranges in my mouth. What the hell was that? My God. I almost dropped her to the floor and had my way with her there in the kitchen. It took all my will power to stop the urges rolling through my body. Then, she gave me that look. The look that said she was as aroused as I was and I couldn’t stop myself from wanting a taste of her.
She kept staring at my mouth and licking her lips. I don’t know if she was aware
of what she was doing, but every time she did it, my dick was doing cartwheels in my pants. I didn’t mean to nearly kiss her. I tried to let go of her, but she was looking up at me, her lips parted, raising up on her toes. It was all the invitation I needed.
Thank God for the oven timer. She would have regretted the kiss and that would have hurt more than I care to admit.
I need to remember that she hasn’t been with a man for more than a year. She’s probably going to have a couple of slip ups. I can’t act on them. I can’t give her any reasons to be more upset. I need to remember what Grams said. Get to know her. Try to be her friend.
I helped her clean up breakfast and made sure I kept my distance. She watched me and a few times I saw her glance at me in confusion. I feel like no matter what I do, I’m screwing up. I wanted to touch her, but it isn’t my place. In a few weeks, I’ll be back in Vancouver and she’ll be here. Our lives are very far apart. I need to remember this and not lead her to believe that we can have something.
Now she’s on the phone with Kale, checking in on Deidre. I hear the concern in her voice. I don’t know if her friend is feeling worse or better, but all I want to do is comfort her. Take away the fear she feels. I want to stop feeling so protective. It would make this so much easier if I could stop feeling.
I hear her telling Kale she’ll gladly watch his boys tomorrow and I smile. I love kids. Not many people know my nickname around the set is Uncle Tuck. I live for the days when the cast and crew bring their kids to the set and I get to hang and play. I don’t plan to ever have kids because I would never subject them to the craziness of the paparazzi, but I can’t get enough of being Uncle Tuck. I can’t wait to hang out with her friend’s kids.
