by Renee Dyer
I can’t move. I simply stay motionless as she steps out of my arms and walks from the room. Adriana admitted to me that there are days that she wants to be dead so she can be with a dead man because she loves him that much. While she was in my arms. It hurts too much to get up and chase her. Does she even want me to?
I thought I was helping her.
Did I make things worse?
A tear slips down my face and I make no attempt to wipe it away. I don’t know if the tear is for my pain or hers. All I know is there is no shortage of pain going around this morning.
Chapter Fifty One
Adriana
I want to go back downstairs, stand up to Tucker, tell him to mind his own business and stop trying to “help” me. Who the hell does he think he is anyway? My hurt from his words quickly turned to anger when I got to my room and saw my red swollen eyes. I have to photograph a senator’s daughter’s wedding in a few hours and I look a mess. Damn him for picking now to put me through the emotional wringer. But, what would I say to him that wouldn’t cause a bigger fight and probably cause a lot more tears? I don’t have time for that right now.
Grabbing my clothes and ironing board, I try to distract myself until I hear Tucker close his door down the hall. Finally. Feeling like a kid who doesn’t want to be caught, I quietly open my door and tiptoe down the stairs. In the kitchen, I quickly heat up some water and grab two tea bags, mom’s cure for puffy, cried-out eyes. Just have to make sure to keep your eyes closed. I made the mistake once of cracking an eye open a little and it burned like a bitch. No time to chill them today. Scurrying back up the stairs, I close myself in my room, get comfy on my bed, and start my ten minutes of eye therapy.
***************
Grateful for Alahna waiting for me in the driveway, I don’t feel the need to make any excuses to Tucker. He’s standing at the island staring me down, those blue eyes piercing through me. I don’t know if I want to punch him or strip him down and I’m not sure what pisses me off more.
“Be back around 6:30.” It’s all I can say to him because I have nothing nice to say and I was raised with manners. Mom would be so proud of me. I rush out of the house feeling his eyes on me the whole time.
Jumping into the van, I throw my purse onto the floor and slam the door. It’s unnecessary, but I need to take some of this aggression out on something. Alahna raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. She backs out of my driveway and starts going over our checklist. It’s our typical routine, but I can’t focus. I’m too amped up to give a shit about the spoiled bitch we have to deal with today. I let Alahna go through the list, barely hearing what she says, nodding when it seems appropriate. I want to be helpful, but all I can think of is the things Tucker said to me. My anger isn’t dissipating; it’s growing the more I think about everything.
“So, we packed a naked David Gandy in our bags? Is that in case the bride wants to run?”
“Wait, what?”
“I knew you weren’t listening to me,” Alahna says. “What the hell is going on with you, girl? You’re in freakin’ la la land over there, muttering under your breath and I swear you’re going to rub a hole through your shirt. What has you all worked up?”
What has me worked up? Did she just ask me what has me worked up? I don’t know why her question infuriates me, but, like a bomb waiting for its trigger, that was mine.
“You want to know what has me worked up? I’ll tell you what has me all worked up. Tucker fucking Stavros, that son of a bitch. He walks into my life, makes me start feeling things that I shouldn’t be, gets under my skin. Then he has the audacity to tell me I’m angry with Alex… me, angry with Alex. And, he said I wouldn’t let you guys say goodbye to him, that you couldn’t mourn because of me. He eavesdropped on me talking to Alex. He had no right to do that.” The words are leaving my mouth so fast that I’m not paying attention to what I’m saying. “He told me my problem is that he makes me feel, that I don’t like that he can fill me when Alex can’t anymore. Can make me want him when Alex can’t. Who says that kind of thing to someone who has lost their husband? I let him take me to my and Alex’s bed. Oh God, to our bed. And when I woke up with him, I saw his tattoo. He has 6-25 on his back. I never asked him what it meant. 6-25, I told him what that date meant to me and he said nothing. And I never asked him either. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why. Because he looked so Goddamn gorgeous sitting in my bed looking rumpled and fuckable, I lost all train of thought. And, I had a towel, a damn towel, wrapped around my head making me look terrible while he looked like a sex god. I had to run like a scared little girl to my bathroom so I couldn’t ask him, again. I thought I’d worked up the courage to face him, but Noooooo that wasn’t the case. I walked out of my bathroom, right smack into a naked Tucker. Tell me, Alahna, what woman can resist a naked, Tucker, huh? What woman? He keeps breaking through my walls and he said nothing. Then, I hid in my room… hid until you got there today because I didn’t want to face him. I skipped to the end of Stealing Harper. You know how that book tortures me, but I can’t stop reading it. It’s my personal hell, but my own therapy, too. I needed to read that to take my mind off him for a while. He just—just– ahhh! I don’t know. I took him in when he needed to run away from the world and he… he just pisses me off. I say nothing because I was raised with manners. Damn my mom and her good manners. Just once, I want to be the bitch that goes off and screams like a lunatic.” Throwing my arms around my chest, I slump against the seat with a full pout on my face.
Holy shit. That felt great. I haven’t gone off in forever. Not really. Not even after Alex died. I just keep bottling everything up. I don’t know how my head hasn’t exploded yet. Turning to peek at Alahna, I’m surprised by the big grin on her face. What the hell is she smiling about?
“Weeeellll, that was an impressive rant and luckily we have time to touch on all those subjects, but, first things first. Please tell me that his downstairs is as impressive as the rest of him.” I don’t even have to ask to know she’s talking about Tucker. A blush creeps up my neck and into my cheeks. My rant plays back in my mind. Shit. I confessed to sleeping with him. I nod not able to find the words, embarrassment making me mute.
“Oh, no. No clamming up now. Details, baby girl. Is he hung? How many O’s did he give you? Does he know how to work it? Please tell me the fantasies I have of that man are not going to be ruined.”
Jealousy runs rampant, a need to slap my friend coursing through me. I force my hands under my legs. Alahna shouldn’t have fantasies about Tucker. She’s married to Preston, my best friend since first grade, Preston. What would he think of this? I try to tell myself fantasies are normal, everyone has them and Tucker is a movie star, but it doesn’t help. He isn’t mine. You want him to be. No, no— it can’t be.
“Okay, just tell me how many times you guys did it.” Jesus Christ, she’s not going to let it go, is she?
“Three,” I whisper.
“I’m so proud of you,” she squeals. I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. She’s proud of me? The comment is unexpected and exactly what I needed to hear. “I really need details, though. I’m living vicariously through you. You fucked a movie star, Adri. Not that you did it because he’s a movie star, but you so fucked a movie star—ahhh!”
“Alahna!” I’m giggling like we’re back in college. I love this girl.
“Please give me something, anything,” she begs.
If it were anyone else, I would never be comfortable having this conversation, but she was my only female friend when I lost my virginity. And the only one I’m comfortable saying this to now. Looking up to the sky, knowing she knows this secret now, too, “Sorry for what I’m about to say, Alex.” Her hand pats my thigh and goes back to the steering wheel.
“Sex with Alex was always incredible. I never thought it could get better. It was hot. But, last night… and this morning, it was… um… it was… ”
“Mind blowing, earth shattering, you see stars, great sex?”
“Um… yeah—it was beyond unbelievable. The things that man can do with his body. I thought my whole body was coming undone.”
“I knew it. Lucky bitch. The next couple weeks will be fun for you. I’m going to enjoy picking on you for walking bow legged,” she says snickering.
My smile drops. No she won’t. I’m asking Tucker to leave tonight. I can’t do this anymore, can’t let myself fall for him anymore than I already have. My tattered heart can’t take anymore hurt. “I’m asking him to leave when I get back tonight.” My voice is low and sounds weak to my own ears. Saying it makes me feel sick.
“Adri, think about this before you go through with it. Please? I know you were upset when you got in the van, but you don’t seem upset now. Let’s talk about it.”
I go to say something and stop. She’s right. I’m not upset anymore. Hmm.
“You won’t like what I have to say, but, sweetie, I think the reason you were upset with Tucker is that what he said was true. It always hurts the most when people speak the truth.”
WTF! My best friend is siding with the enemy? I know my mouth is hanging open, but this can’t be happening. Alahna doesn’t let people in and now she’s siding with a stranger over me. Tucker is breaking me down. Why can’t she see that? Like an egg, he’s cracked me open, poured me out, and left me exposed for all to see and she’s telling me to let him stay. My world feels like it’s tilting off its axis, nothing makes sense.
“Adri, please don’t sit there looking like I kicked you. I want you to hear me out before you go getting upset again.” Too late. “You’re different with him. You were the second he came around. I don’t know if you’ve noticed it, but we all have and before you ask, yes we’ve all talked about it. Don’t―” She puts one hand out at me, somehow knowing I’m going to say something to her. I was. I was going to ask her why everyone is talking behind my back instead of talking to me. “The first night he was here you hugged us, hugged us, Adri. You hadn’t touched anyone since Alex. I’m not trying to dump something deep on you when we need to be focused on the biggest event of our careers, but I also don’t want you to go home tonight and walk away from something potentially great. I don’t know what about him broke through to you that day and what he does that keeps breaking through, but I am loving having you back. You don’t look through me when we have conversations anymore. When you smile, it reaches your eyes. You’re not just going through the motions. You’re really living again. I want to kiss Tucker’s damn feet every time I see him. So, if you’re mad at me for saying think about things before you act, then, sweetie, I’ll gladly take your anger. I want you to be happy. It’s what we all want. I think that’s what Tucker wants too, even if he goes about showing you the wrong way sometimes.”
Her hand grabs mine and squeezes. She doesn’t let go and I don’t pull away.
“Now, about his tattoo. Sweetie, those numbers could mean anything, but if you want to know, all you do is ask. Put on your big girl panties and ask. Of course he didn’t tell you he had those numbers on his back if you told him that is your dead husband’s birthday. No man would. Men and women are totally different species. I thought you knew this.”
I shake my head. She’s right. He probably would have told me about his tattoo if it wasn’t for me saying it was Alex’s birthday. I should ask him about the numbers. Simple, right?
Why do I feel nauseous thinking about it?
“How long have you been talking to Alex?” Her tone doesn’t change. There’s no judgment, nothing that makes it sound like she thinks I’m crazy. Still, I pull my hand from hers and wrap my arms around myself, inch myself as close to the door as I can. My talks with Alex were just that— mine. Tucker found out and flustered me and Alahna knows. They’re tainted now.
“Ah, a couple weeks after he left, I guess.” Even talking to Alahna, knowing Alex may be listening, I can’t bring myself to say died. “I was talking to his mom and she told me she found herself talking to him that morning like he was still here. Something reminded her of him and she started talking to him. The smile on her face stuck with me that whole day. She looked so at peace and I wanted that. I needed it because I was so lost without him. If talking to Alex for a few seconds could bring her that peace then I was going to talk to him, too.” I look out the window, watch the trees passing by in a blur, and pray my friend will understand. “He doesn’t talk back. I’m not crazy, Alahna. But, I do picture he’s there and I tell him about my day. I tell him everything that’s going on with me. It’s kept him close to me. Makes it feel like I didn’t really lose him. It’s the only thing that’s kept me from truly losing it all this time.”
I hear her sniffle and turn my head in time to see her wipe a tear from her face. I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m done lying about how much I’m hurting.
“How often do you talk to him?”
“Every day. Night, I should say. I talk to him as I lay down in bed.”
“Oh, Adri. I’m sorry we didn’t help you more,” she says as she pulls the van to the side of the road. I don’t ask her why we’re stopping. I’m scared to know. She throws the van into park, unbuckles herself, and me and pulls me into a hug. “I wish you had felt that you could talk to us through all of this. We would have done anything to help you. Pres and me, we would have done anything.”
She doesn’t release me and I’m glad for that. I can’t look at her with the bomb I’m about to drop. “I couldn’t talk to you. You were a reminder he was gone.” I feel her stiffen in my arms and I hold onto her tighter. I’m sorry. “Preston was a part of Alex for as long as I’ve known them and you’re a part of Preston. I couldn’t see you without seeing Alex. It hurt every time I saw you. It still does.”
She slowly pulls away from me, eyes full of tears, her head shaking back and forth. I know she doesn’t want to believe what I’m saying, but she knows it’s the truth and, like she said earlier, it always hurts the most when people speak the truth.
“We should get back on the road. Don’t want Bridezilla bitching that we’re late.”
“I’m sorry, Alahna.” It sounds lame crossing my lips, but I have to say it. She needs to know I don’t want to hurt her.
“I know, baby girl, I know. I’m glad you told me.”
I whip my head up, surprise must be all over my face. Her laugh fills the van.
“It’s gonna take a lot more than that to run me off, bitch. Now, let’s talk about Tucker’s downstairs again. I think you left out some details.”
Chapter Fifty Two
Tucker
I wanted to say something when she left, but her eyes told me to keep my mouth shut. She needed to focus on the wedding she was heading to and I’d already upset her enough. Her snippy remark about the time she’d be home told me she didn’t want to talk to me. I needed to rectify that tonight.
Pulling my cell from my pocket, I text Mickayla:
It’s Tucker. Need your help with Adriana.
I put my phone on the counter and make some cereal while I wait for her response. I have a plan to show Adriana that I want to be in her life, if she’ll let me.
Mickayla: b there in 10
Relief flows through me, not because I’ll be alone with Mickayla, but because I truly think she’ll help me. I get to work making a list of what I need in hopes she’s not busy and will do a grocery run for me. If not, I’ll have to bite the bullet and brave the store, hoping I don’t have to deal with too many people recognizing me. It would be worth it if I can get back in her good graces.
A quick call to Grams confirms all the ingredients. I was fairly confident I had them all, but I want tonight to be perfect. Mickayla rings the bell as I’m disconnecting the call. Her flaming hair greets me before anything else and I realize I’m glad I texted her. I need her fire today. I need her spark and pizzazz. If I’m going to get Adriana to forgive me, I need one of her friends who isn’t uptight, who isn’t going to automatically assume the worst of me. Mickayla is that friend. She may know
I’ve messed up, but she also seems the type to give me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it’s the shrink in her. Who knows? All I know is I need her help.
Opening the door for her, she gives me a wink and a smile. I can’t help the chuckle I let out. “Thanks for coming.”
“You said you need help with Adri. I’m here. What’s the problem?”
Nothing like cutting to the chase. I feel my palms start to sweat. Maybe I was wrong when I thought she would give me the benefit of the doubt.
“Wh-who said there was a problem?” My voice sounds hollow.
“Cut the bullshit, Hot Stuff. You wouldn’t be calling in the cavalry for help if there wasn’t a problem, so spill or I’m outta here.” Her hands fly to her hips and I can tell she means business.
“Alright. Adriana and I had a little, ahhh… I guess you would call it a fight?”
“Are you asking me or are you telling me it was a fight? Do you need me to shrink this?” Her tone is impatient. This is not the way I wanted this to go.
Jamming my hand into my hair, I feel frustrated. Why does talking about Adriana make me clam up?
“I said things she didn’t want to hear. I thought I was helping her, but she didn’t see it that way and she left here not talking to me.” I see understand crossing her face. “I want to make her dinner tonight. Have it ready when she gets here, but it’s hard for me to go into stores. People...”
“You need to know if I can pick stuff up for you?”
I shake my head yes, embarrassed that I have to ask.
“Can I ask you something first?” I shake my head again. I would answer anything if it means she’ll help me pull tonight off.
“Why do you want to make dinner for Adri? What does this mean to you?”
