by M. R. THOMAS
Abbie was aware of what felt like spiritual tears, her heavy heart feeling it would split in two. She knew that she had no right to be engulfed in her own selfishness which would prevent Peter’s happiness in eternity.
“I see,” she said, “I don’t really have an option do I?”
Isaac said in response, “This needs to be done soon”.
She knew though that he understood her pain.
A glowing entity appeared at her side; it was Sarah to offer comfort: “You will do the right thing, I know it.”
Sarah turned to Isaac and then stood in front of Abbie in silence; they seemed to be communicating by thought.
“Tell me, what is it?” she asked.
Sarah looked at her and smiled, “Abbie, there is another way for you”.
“What? I don’t understand”.
“Join Peter here forever; it is possible”.
The magnitude of what was being suggested to Abbie did not register.
“I can’t, I try to stay but somehow physically it’s not possible and I have to go back to my body”.
“Yes we are aware of that, what we are saying is different: join Peter here, and do not go back, ever”.
Abbie then fully understood what they meant.
“You mean, give up my life somehow, choose to die?”
“Yes”, said Sarah “that is exactly the choice you can make, and then you will be with Peter forever”.
Abbie felt numb, shocked at the reality of this choice.
She was bewildered by the information that she’d just been given, and it took a while for it to really sink in, but she knew clearly that an important message had been given to her.
She thought over the two options: the first, give up Peter, let him move on and allow him to find his complete happiness in eternity, although to her that meant losing him all over again, and that filled her with utter dread, it was in some way unthinkable. But she also knew that she could not be so selfish as to simply hold him captive in this half-way place.
The second option was, right now, incomprehensible: simply die and join him for eternity. In some dark way this amused her: what was she to do, and how was she meant to take her own life? She was not sure that this was a viable option for her at all; pain had never been her strong point.
Her mind raced back and forth, struggling with too much information, and too little idea of what to do.
Let him go, or join him.
The reality was that she wanted him, to be with him always, but what she would have to do to achieve this did not seem to be a true option.
Abbie felt she couldn’t face Peter with this information swirling around in her head; she didn’t want to risk causing him upset.
She looked all around in the brightness and the peacefulness of the astral realm that enveloped her spirit. It was all too much for her. She needed to be away from here.
Returning to her body with a sudden and firm jolt, she felt the coolness of the sea air immediately. The cold hit her face and she tasted the saltiness in the sea air. She was approaching the far end of the beach, so for the final yards she slowed down and walked towards the end-point where the sea now met the land.
Abbie turned and paced her stride at length, keeping the blood flowing, until a few yards further on she broke into a slow jog, soon getting back to her running pace. As she did this, she felt that Peter was speaking to her clearly, as if he was right next to her.
“My love, I need you to help me”.
She looked all around her, but saw nothing. Then it came again, breaking through in to her world.
“Abbie please, you can help me”.
This was too much. All the pain and grief she’d felt for the last few weeks seemed to engulf her and she stopped running, almost collapsing on the sand as she crouched down, racked with sobs. She felt utter despair again.
After a few minutes, she began to feel cold and chilled to the bone; the wind was getting stronger and tugging at her clothes. She picked herself up and dusted the sand off her legs and began running again. She knew that she had about another four miles at least to go, but she didn’t want to be out here anymore; she longed for the warmth and isolation of the caravan.
After she had showered and changed, Abbie made herself a warm meal of soup and cheese, but once she began to eat, her appetite vanished completely. She knew that she had to find Peter; they had to discuss this, this terrible and unimaginable dilemma. She had to carefully make the right choice, their eternities were at stake.
The caravan was warm and cosy as the afternoon air grew cooler outside. She was now used to this compact space and enjoyed it, living and sleeping and cooking in one room. It felt safe, as though she were cocooned; there was a sense of order and control for her, whereas at home all that space had recently seemed too much for her, too big, too open.
Abbie lay down on the bench seat, and as she closed her eyes her focus was on leaving her body, so she relaxed and concentrated on her breathing, drifting and rising easily away from her physical self.
As she achieved this, a true sense of calm enveloped her and as she emerged into the brightness, the feeling of tranquillity and peacefulness that she had experienced before cloaked her mind and spirit. She was glad that she saw Isaac and then Sarah almost immediately; they could help her, she knew that.
“Abbie” Sarah began, “you have much to consider, let us help you in this. You have a unique gift to cross the boundaries from the physical world into this spiritual dimension, this is a blessing for you of course, but right now it can also appear as a huge burden. You understand that your presence here has attracted the attention of one of the vilest demons; it has made him respond to you, to desire you, and even chase after you, presenting himself to you in your world, trying to impress you. You need to be strong; we can only warn you of these things”.
“You now face a huge choice in your life”, Sarah continued, “but you must understand now that this demon had latched on to you, he can pester you again and again, and also year on year, when he becomes strong in the autumn months. However if you choose to leave your physical life, you will be free of him forever, and he will not have any power or hold over you, none at all. Understand that your life will not be the same again, ever, it cannot be.
Asmodeus sees you as his queen, his Lilith. It seems that this is directly due to your abilities to please men sexually; you are not subservient to them in union. He wants that for himself, for you to desire him. He has shown himself to you on more than one occasion at the height of his power, that is when the moon and stars form an alignment in November, that is when he is strongest, but this strength will pass and he will be much less powerful, but you need to be aware. He will likely try to return to you; if not now then one year from now, in the hope you will seduce him”.
“I don’t know what to say”, replied Abbie.
“Do what is right to protect yourself at all costs, and do what is right to help your love, Peter”.
Looking below, Abbie could see herself in the caravan lying still as though asleep. She could see the physical cord, her lifeline that connected her to her physical self. She could see that all around the caravan was still, and picturesque, viewed this time from a different angle.
Abbie realised she could see the world below her below her only if she chose to do so, otherwise her spiritual vision was only on the beautiful astral realm.
As she was looking ahead of her, she was immersed into the brightness. Other beings passed her; again, some seemed contented, but it became more obvious to her that others were not. She guessed that Peter would also be unhappy if she could see him now, one of the discontented souls.
For some reason, Abbie she could not sense his presence and was unsure why this was so, he seemed nowhere to be found this time. Then she thought maybe he was in the area of the woods, as somehow that place had seemed to comfort him, and it had been where they had been reunited, so Abbie journeyed there.
On entering the woods s
he called his name, and within a few moments he appeared to her. The vision of him brought a smile to her face, and his whole countenance began to change from deep sorrow to one of happiness.
“Peter” She began “I know, I understand it all, I’ve had it explained to me about your sadness and heavy heart. My love I’m so sorry, I love you, and want you, I want to be with you forever. I thought that finding you here would make everything all right, I just didn’t realise this place generally is a transition, but I have made you stay here, when you need to be moving on as you are not complete here. But I can’t give you up voluntarily, I can’t lose you again, having found you, I can’t do that, I won’t do that. It is just unthinkable to me. I heard you speak to me earlier it was as clear as anything. I will help you, but I need you to help me too. God, this is all just so mad. I never wanted anything like this,” she turned away from him, “all I did was love you. That’s all I ever did. It’s just both of the options to me are so unthinkable”.
To her surprise when she turned back to face him, he had gone.
This pain too much for Abbie, she returned to her physical self with a large and powerful jolt, and was immediately fully aware of all her senses.
The evening was drawing in again, the coolness settling outside, the ground becoming damp, the air heavy with moisture.
Abbie knew this had to be resolved; she had to find a solution and that without this, life as she knew it would be unbearable for her.
She paced around the caravan. She had not felt this wound up for some time; irritated and unable to settle, wound like a tightly coiled spring ready to snap open at any moment. She didn’t want to go out in case she saw anyone; she didn’t want to risk uncomfortable polite conversation.
She lay down again, and used all her ability and powers of concentration to project, but it was no good, she could not, her mind seemed too troubled.
She had to do this somehow, she thought, then she remembered having this difficulty previously, and she realised that she just needed to relax, so she decided to go for a run to get rid of her tensions and burn off her excess adrenaline.
She put on extra layers as it had turned cold, and set off running straight from the caravan and out of the garden. This time she was so focused and determined as she ran that she very nearly crashed into Simon and Jess coming the other way on the pavement in front of the shop.
“Abbie, can I speak with you?” He called.
“Later” she replied, “I have to run, but later, OK?”
Simon stood and watched her disappear down the road. He looked back towards the shop and realised that now every time he entered it, there would not be anyone waiting, the shop would always be in darkness and empty. As he made his way to the door, Jess was oblivious to the tears that fell down his cheeks.
The light was fading as Abbie went along the path at the side of the lifeboat station; she pushed hard up the short hill until she reached the clearing. The beach was calm in the fading light, with only the waves smashing the shore line as the wind threw them against the beach.
At the top of the hill where she stood, the wind somehow now seemed warmer. This run needed to be hard and fast she thought, so she sped down the dune path, losing her footing as she reached the bottom and tumbling onto the beach. She didn’t hurt herself or mind the sand that seemed to cover her, she just picked herself up and ran on, along the edge of the hard sand. She deliberately lifted her knees higher with each stride, pushed her arms, and accelerated as fast as she could, heart pounding, arms pumping the air, her legs striding, and her lungs gasping. When she felt she could hold this pace no longer, she closed her eyes and tried to accelerate again. She was unsure if she could achieve this, and she felt the energy draining away from her.
This intensity had to be sustained, so she pushed on against her failing body, almost crying out in agony as every muscle in her body wanted to stop.
Just a few more second she thought, I can do it.
Her lungs burned and her mind swirled as she emerged from the dusk into the light.
This time Abbie had a real sense of her spirit leaving through the top of her head, and she glanced below and saw herself running rapidly across the sand.
“Peter, Peter” she called. She had made it here, and was determined to undo any upset she had caused.
As she looked around, she became aware of a presence behind her; she turned and saw that it was him.
“Peter darling” she cried as she fell onto him, “it’s OK, it’s all OK. Tell me what I have to do to make this all right. I want to do whatever it takes; I will do it for you. I can’t lose you again. I want to be with you forever, never to leave you. Whatever it takes my love, whatever it takes”.
When she returned to her physical body Abbie found that she was roughly in the middle of the beach. It was getting dark, so she stopped running and stood still, taking several deep slow breaths, letting her mind and body settle.
She looked around her. She could still make out the dunes to her right and the flat sand to her left and behind her. Not a light anywhere in sight.
All alone here, at last she felt peaceful. Her decision had been made and she was at peace with herself and her world. She knew her time in this physical life was now limited and she was determined to enjoy every last second of it before she chose to enter eternity.
Standing on the beach she knew she was hot, and again the wind still seemed warmer than earlier in the day. She felt alive in her mind and spirit, and she wanted to feel that also in her body and on her skin.
The last time she had been naked outdoors she had enjoyed it so much, and she wanted that sensation again.
Where she stood she stripped off all her clothes except her trainers. She made a bundle in her jacket, and carrying this over her shoulder she set off at a jog along the water’s edge. The waves splashed and sent spray towards her flesh that tingled her skin and gave her goose bumps all over her body.
Abbie felt invigorated and alive.
She continued to jog naked to almost the end of the beach, then as she neared the dunes she stopped and dressed quickly, wishing this could last longer, but she needed to get back. After such a liberating experience the clothing on her body felt alien, as though they didn’t belong at all.
She walked up the dune path and back into the village unseen.
As Abbie returned in the direction of the caravan, she noticed the lights on in the shop and realised that she needed to speak to Simon. She tried to enter but the shop door was locked, so she went to the side door and knocked. She heard Jess barking, and Simon opened the door.
She wanted to apologise for her rapid departure earlier, but she was taken aback at how low and unhappy he looked.
Without a smile he simply said “come in”, turning away from her. Abbie followed him into the room where she had been with him the night before. Simon sat down at the end of the table and did not look up.
“Simon, are you OK” Abbie asked, “What’s wrong?”
After a pause, he said, “Dad died. I found him in bed this morning, I can’t quite believe it”.
Abbie put her hands to her mouth in shock; the pleasant old man to whom she’d spoken only a few times, now gone forever.
When she did speak, she was aware of her voice quivering with emotion, and tears began to run down her cheeks.
“Oh Simon, I am so, so, sorry, I really am.” She sat down at the table and put her head in her hands and allowed the torment of the day’s emotions to find release in tears.
When she was able to look up, Simon remained motionless, his eyes red. She leaned across and took his hand; he jumped, but she did not let go.
“Do you believe in psychic stuff?” he asked. “Premonitions and the like?”
“Yes I do, I really I do, not very like a science teacher, but I do”.
“Last night, I woke in the early hours, I was choking, and I really thought I might die. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t move but then it ju
st went away. I reckon that was exactly what dad was experiencing at the same time. If only I’d realised that, if only I had got to him, maybe I could have saved him.”
He looked so mournful and dejected, Abbie got up and leaned over to him, she put her arms around his head and hugged him tightly.
Simon felt the warmth and softness of her breasts against him, and he began to sob.
As they continued to talk, Abbie learned that there was family on his father’s side, a sister who did not live too far away, so it meant that Simon would not be totally alone. She felt for him in his need; he had in a short time been kind to her and she felt that she ought somehow to offer him more support, more friendship, maybe stay around a bit longer, but no she thought, she had to go. She had to return to her home, her life, to put things in order. Time was of the essence.
Just as she was leaving, Simon managed to smile at her “When you came in” he said “I noticed that your top and jacket were inside out, what’s that about?”
She laughed,
He then said bravely “anyone would think you got undressed and ran naked down the beach.”
She smiled “Of course I did, and why not”. She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.
Back at the caravan, she somehow felt relaxed and content, despite the upset she had just experienced. Her own dilemma was resolved, and she understood that a decision can be reached in an instant; it’s just that the journey to that point often takes a very long time.
She telephoned her mum.
“Hi mum, it’s me, I’m fine had a great time, and a good rest. I’ve been running a lot too, I’ll be home tomorrow, I’m leaving in the morning, and I’ll call you once I’m home”.
