by M. R. THOMAS
“That is so brave and loyal of you” Sarah said. “Peter will be so happy” responded Isaac.
Abbie looked at them both, “But I am really worried about how to accomplish this. The whole process and the thought of the pain really scares me so much.”
Isaac moved closer to her, “You have nothing to fear, there is no need for any pain or suffering”.
“How then, what do you mean?”
“You will have seen that you are now connected to your physical body by the silver cord, which is ultimately part of you, it joins these two parts of your being together, both your physical body on earth and your spiritual self here in this astral dimension. All you have to do is decide to sever that cord while you are here; concentrate and focus on it and once it is broken, you will be separate from your body and when that occurs, Abbie and only you can achieve that, you will then be here forever”.
“And my body will be dead?”
“Your life spirit will have departed your body, yes, it takes a few minutes for your body to finally shut down and cease to exist, but then your physical body will die. So no pain or injury, just your choice”.
“I never realised” she said. “I’ve been stressed over nothing.”
“Don’t worry” said Isaac “the hardest part is reaching the decision that you have now made, and you have done that, your passage into eternity is simple. You must do is what is necessary in your physical earthly life, to prepare and then when you choose to come, all this awaits you”.
As Isaac and Sarah departed, Abbie was aware of Peter’s presence, he looked pleased and well she thought. It seemed that he had heard her choice, and this brought him joy in that his loneliness would soon pass.
The next morning Abbie woke early before it was fully light. She knew that no more sleep was likely. She lay in bed in the warmth and listened to the hum of the central heating boiler and the creaking of the house. As her mind wandered, Asmodeus kept coming into her thoughts: where is he now? Why has he not reappeared?
She remembered his face and gross features, the stumpy body with skin like leather, the knurled erect penis.
She turned over, trying to erase the image from her mind.
Could that thing really have changed itself to look like Michael, she wondered, in an attempt to deceive her?
She remembered that her gut instinct not to go with him that night had been right all along, most likely saved her from harm, or something unpleasant at the very least.
This she felt also explained how he was able to be in places when she hadn’t expected to see him, like the time at the village green.
Later that morning she went into town and found a fish shop, buying two large trout and asking that they be left whole as she wanted to learn to gut them herself, even though the very thought of this repulsed her.
At home, she took her sharpest knife and, after cutting the fish for some time, was able to separate the innards she needed. The smell of fish and blood began to fill the kitchen so she opened the door to get rid of the stench, the cool air filling the house.
The heart and fish liver she wrapped in foil and placed in an airtight container in the fridge, she would keep this just in case she thought, it certainly stank and the idea of burning it and releasing fumes repulsed her even more. The rest of the fish was beyond eating due to her poor knife skills so she threw it all away.
Time had moved on more than she’d realised so, after she had washed and changed, she went to her solicitor’s appointment.
Sitting in the waiting room, she thought that the receptionist was another of those unhelpful snotty types, but then it dawned on her: it was Gill, who used to work at the medical centre. Abbie tried not to make eye contact or draw attention to herself, but she knew the receptionist kept looking at her, she could feel it.
Abbie heard her name being called, although it didn’t register with her straight away.
“Yes, that’s me” she said, standing up. A small man with dark rimmed glasses and thinning hair smiled at her; he wore a dark suit that Abbie thought was too big for him.
“I’m Mr Greaves” he said offering his outstretched hand. “Please come this way”
Inside his office that was full of files and papers, he worked at a large cluttered desk. He leaned back in his high-backed chair and for a moment Abbie thought that he might disappear completely out of sight.
“I understand that you wish to make a will. That’s a very sensible idea, even for someone of your age” he said.
Abbie did not like that remark; it seemed to imply that she was young and foolish.
“Well the reason, Mr Greaves, is that recently my boyfriend died and I now have a lot of money and property and I need to safeguard my assets, so yes, I think that’s sensible”.
“I see”, he replied taking interest. “You need to decide who is to receive your assets in the event of your death; it can be one person, family members, next of kin, or split between several people, charities maybe, but you have to make that decision. Have you decided?”
“No not yet I haven’t. I didn’t think of it like that”.
He reached behind him and produced a pile of forms. “These will help you” he said passing them across the desk. ‘Read them, follow the guidelines and fill in the blank forms, then return them here and we’ll type up the formal will, then you come in again, read it through, and if it’s satisfactory you sign it. It’s that straightforward, but the hard part is often making the decisions, especially if you don’t have descendants. Can I ask you: are your parents still alive?”
“Yes, my mum is”.
“OK, just a word of caution for you to consider, you need to think what would happen to your estate if you left it to an elderly parent and then they died without a will, or even with a will - would you approve of their choice of recipient? So parents are not always the best choice in that sense. All the information is in the pack, any difficulties just call, we’re here to help”.
“I understand, thanks for your help”, Abbie said, warming to his caring attitude.
Abbie sat in the coffee shop watching the world pass by her, enjoying a warm drink. The solicitor was right she thought, difficult choices to be made.
Across the street, she watched an elderly couple walking together arm in arm, their feet walking evenly in a steady rhythm. How long had they been together she wondered - 30, 50 years maybe? Having got through any difficulties and now enjoying their twilight years together.
She then noticed outside the shop a woman bending over a small child in a pushchair. A young mother taking care of her child. Abbie felt a tinge of sadness; she knew she would never be a mother, never have a youngster to care for; take to school, love and spoil. But by choosing the path she had she could be with the man she loved forever, and that she knew would be soon.
In that moment of sadness, she also felt unhappiness at those she would be leaving behind: her mum, Kate, a few other friends, Peter’s parents also, but she thought at least they will know that she died swiftly and did not suffer. They of course will wonder why, but they would never know or fully understand the enormity and complexity of the choices that she faced.
……………………………………………………….
A few days later, Abbie received a letter from the school Head asking her to make an appointment to discuss her decision; he wished her well but stated that he felt it was important to meet her to discuss her decision considering her recent difficult circumstances. The thought of this made her sigh heavily; she knew there was no point in meeting, so she decided she wouldn’t do it. She typed another letter, thanking the Head but declining his offer of further discussions. When she dropped the letter in the post box, it felt as if a part of her existence had melted away; now she had one less thing to be concerned about.
Abbie also realised that the following day she had her third meeting with Daniel West; she decided that this too was pointless, so she telephoned him and left a message saying she was well and
felt that she had reached a point where she felt all right and able to face her future. She thanked him for his help, and said she would not be consulting him any further.
After this, she felt an even greater sense of relief as she realised that she was the one with the power to control all of her decisions.
During her frequent visits to Peter, Abbie found she talked a lot about her decision, both the pros and the cons, about what she wanted. Abbie thought that Peter generally seemed lighter, happier, content with Abbie’s choice, and despite all the discussion and debate, the conclusion was that she was indeed making the correct decision.
Abbie also found that when running she seemed to have a new determination and refreshed strength in distance and speed. The hill still looked down over the town, and she had not attempted running this for a while, but she would soon, although she still sometimes had doubts over her ability to conquer it.
……………………………………………………………
As the month of December continued, there had been no further ghoulish visitations, and no sense of things in the periphery of her vision. Nothing to incite further fear, and of course Abbie was happy with this.
She thought that maybe the power of the demon was now gone as she had been told it would, and that his strength at this time of the year was no longer powerful enough to bother her. Again though, whilst she wanted to believe this, she was unsure. For now she was just glad that she hadn’t needed to burn the fish entrails, and the thought of opening that sealed container did not inspire her.
Abbie found that planning for her limited future was in fact more straightforward than she’d thought. She found it quite easy simply to pretend when with others such as Kate or her mum. She played the part well, not giving any cause for concern, and they believed all was well with her and that in the New Year she most likely would go travelling. After all, that is what Abbie wanted them to believe.
Abbie decided to pen a simple note to her doctor, thanking her for her support and explaining that she was much better and resuming her life. She’d had a good holiday which had been restful and she had decided to resign her work as that was she felt the best way for a complete new start. She described how she was moving on and was very positive about her future.
As previously arranged, Abbie and Kate enjoyed their night out at the cinema, not that she could pay much attention to the film. Afterwards they had a meal and a few drinks and, briefly for Abbie, it felt like old times, before the tragedy that had changed her life and taken away the person most dear to her.
Abbie felt she played the role of companion very well. When Kate quizzed her over her possible travel plans, she responded confidently but vaguely, but not too vague to cause any concern. She said she was still thinking about it, but time travelling around Europe was always a good talking point especially when she suggested lesser-visited places such as Andorra or Liechtenstein.
Kate had also spent time in Europe and loved it, so this conversation took the focus off Abbie.
On the spur of the moment, Abbie ‘phoned her mum the next day and invited her out for a meal that evening, just to spend time with her. Abbie enjoyed this, being able to bringing happiness to her mum because she knew in the near future that she would be sad, very sad indeed.
Abbie admitted that she found the new sense of freedom liberating, away from the burden and pressure of work. Rose thought that she looked well, less peaky than she had done before. Abbie told her that she felt well, better than she had done in a long time, and she described how she felt as if her life was again her own. At least it was for a short time, she thought.
Abbie found she was able to be so convincing that nobody doubted her.
The next day, Abbie knew that the official-looking envelope on the mat would be from the solicitor, asking her to attend to review and to sign her will.
When she eventually did this, she read the document and signed it in the presence of two witnesses, office workers she didn’t know, and she did it all without so much as a second thought, knowing that another piece of her life jigsaw was now in the correct place.
In her will Abbie had decided to leave her mum the £50,000, to ensure whatever happened she would not want for anything again. The remainder of her entire estate she left to Kate: the rest of the money, the house and all her possessions. Abbie knew it amounted to a significant sum, but she felt Kate deserved a break in life, and besides she was her best friend and there are no pockets in shrouds.
Abbie had thought about visiting Peter’s parents but smiled to herself when she realised common sense had prevailed, and she rang them instead.
“Hi, it’s Abbie”.
“Abbie, so good to hear from you, how are you?” replied Peter’s father.
“I’m OK thanks, not too bad. How are you?”
“Doing all right I suppose, it’s not always easy, I’m sure you know. What have you been up to?”
“Well nothing much really, I recently had a few days’ break, and I’m planning to go travelling in the New Year, not sure where yet most likely Europe, but I also made the decision to leave work, I couldn’t face it again. Just need a complete change.”
“I can understand that, anyway they always need teachers so you could go back to it in the future if you wanted. Besides, the travelling sounds marvellous, I’m jealous”.
Somehow she knew by his voice that he was, genuinely.
Abbie paused before she spoke again “You know I do believe that Peter’s still with me, in spirit.”
“I know you do, and he would wish you every happiness, whatever you chose to do, so go and find it”
“I will thanks, and send my love to his mum”
“Of course I will, you take care and stay in touch.”
“’Bye then”
Abbie didn’t know what else to say, but she was glad that she hadn’t had to speak to Peter’s mum; maybe his dad knew that, she thought.
……………………………………………………………..
Abbie sat by the fire, enjoying the glow in the darkness of the early evening. The house was in silence; she found that over recent days she hadn’t wanted to listen to music which was quite unlike her, but for some reason all she needed was silence, it satisfied her.
She sat sipping a mug of tea and for the first time in many weeks, all was content with her, her entire life felt like it was in the correct place. All the necessary legalities regarding her finances, her monies, property and insurances were now taken care by her last will and testament.
Her relationships with her mum and her best friend were now better than they had been in a long time.
Abbie knew all she had to do was choose a time to depart her life. There was now no reason to stay here on Earth anymore. Then suddenly she remembered: it was all complete apart from one final thing that she had to do, run up that hill.
So Abbie decided, in a very calm and matter-of-fact way, that tomorrow would be her last full day on Earth, and that she would make it a very good day indeed.
She called her mum and Kate and said that she wanted them to come for tea the next day, and they both readily agreed.
Abbie decided that tomorrow she would have a long run in the morning, then she, her mum and Kate would have a meal and some wine together in the evening. The next morning she would run the hill for the final time, as she now knew that it was within her capability, it would happen.
Then after that, in the afternoon, she would depart her earth-bound life and join Peter forever. For Abbie, life recently had been hard, onerous and cruel, but she knew that she’d found her own, unexpected way through it all. Her future was planned and complete.
That evening as she lay in bed, there was no doubt in her mind that she was on the right path, so she focused on her breathing and on leaving her body, and she immediately re-entered the wonderment of the astral plain.
The next morning Abbie felt ready for a long run: her mind wanted it, and she felt that she n
eeded to physically as her limbs felt that they’d recovered from her recent physical efforts on holiday. She was also aware that it was both the isolation and the solitude that she’d enjoyed when running. All that space she felt was good for her mind as well as her body, and she wanted to start today that way again.
Abbie ate some porridge to warm her before she drove to the country park early in the morning; the sun was not quite up yet, and the air was cold and fresh, the sky becoming lighter with each passing minute. There was a visible frost on the ground, and the grass crunched under her feet.
She set off down the flat path that she had run several times before, her breath rising in the chilly morning air, but she was warm enough, wrapped up well against the elements. By now the sky had changed from grey to blue with a hint of redness glowing towards her from the horizon.
This morning Abbie found herself not really focusing on her running at all but on all the natural elements around her. Her mind today seemed to drink in the natural wonders, and notice them in a way she never had before: she saw the trees and the way they stood tall and proud on the landscape, despite being bare of leaves for the winter, the frost heavy on the branches. She saw a small pond that was frozen over, and the way the tall grasses stood on the bank captured her attention, so thin and brittle-looking, yet strong and upright. It was as if she’d never seen the wonders of a winter nature scene before, as if she’d never seen anything so beautiful like this, ever. A robin perched on a nearby fence post, his red breast giving his identity away. All the brightness and freshness of each hue appeared magnified tenfold. Abbie was amazed, and she relished every moment. A hare darted from the bottom of some shrubs and ran across the path in front of her; it ran and disappeared down a frost-strewn grassy bank.
