Sara stopped and stared down at her hands for a while. I knew she was thinking about her parents, so I just sat quietly and waited for her to continue. She drew in a slow, ragged breath and started talking again, quietly.
— Mom died first. I thought Dad would cry and scream but he didn’t; he just sat and stared, almost never moving, until I woke up one morning and found him dead, still staring.
Sara started to tremble then and I couldn’t help trembling a little myself. I put my arms around her gently, timidly, and she cried for just a few seconds. Then she straightened up abruptly and wiped her eyes, almost angrily.
— They weren’t supposed to die. They were supposed to stay and take care of me!
Her sudden anger took me by surprise and I must have had a dismayed look on my face, because she softened immediately and took my hand.
— At least I have you now.
After that, we listened to her iPod for a while, then Sara got up and checked the peas. They weren’t completely done yet, but we were so hungry, we decided they were good enough. I found a couple of bowls and spoons and Sara poured us each a big helping. Between us we ate the whole pound of peas, broth and all. I remember thinking as I devoured it, that we should probably save half of it for tomorrow, but I couldn’t stop myself from refilling my bowl again and again. Apparently, neither could Sara.
After we finished eating, Sara asked me about my parents. I felt I owed her some sort of explanation since she had opened up to me about her parents and she had shared the food that was given expressly to her. I felt a huge lump in my throat and my heart constricted as I slowly pried open the chest of memories in my brain to let out a few to share with Sara. When I spoke, I barely recognized my voice. It was low and raspy, like I had laryngitis or something.
— My mom left my dad and me a couple of years ago. She found somebody she liked better than us, I guess. My dad died alone in the big fire down here because I couldn’t get to him in time. My mom died before I could get to her, too. Time… my timing is never right.
Sara took my hands in hers and looked me in the eyes.
— You know, things aren’t always as they seem, Ben. Sometimes it seems one way when it’s really another.
I had no idea what she was talking about, so I just looked away and changed the subject, asking her what she thought we should do the next day. She let it drop and merely said,
— I guess we’ve got to look for food.
I nodded and Sara got up to go make her bed in the bedroom while I made mine on the sofa again.
Chapter 11
Foraging
The next morning I was awakened by a quiet knocking at the door. Sara was already up, quietly warming some water on the stove for a sponge bath, so she went to the door and looked through the peephole.
— It’s Sonny.
I rolled my eyes and hurriedly shoved my blankets into my gym bag. I didn’t want Sonny to see that Sara and I slept in separate beds. It was some macho thing, but I instinctively felt that she would be safer if everyone believed that we were really “together.” Sara opened the door a crack with the safety chain still on, then after listening to Sonny’s whispers for a second, leaned back in to me and said,
— Sonny wants to talk to me for a sec. Be right back.
I didn’t want Sara to talk to him, especially in private, but what could I do? She stepped out into the hall and pulled the door gently closed behind her. I tried to listen to what they were saying, leaning my head close to the door, but all I could hear was mumbling. They must have been talking very quietly. After a couple of minutes, Sara came back in alone, as I hurried to busy myself with plumping up the pillows on the sofa. She didn’t say anything for quite a while, but just went back to watching the pot of water warming on the stove. After about five minutes I couldn’t stand it anymore and asked, trying to sound nonchalant,
— So… what did Sonny Boy want?
— Please don’t call him that. His name is Jason. They just call him Sonny because there’s another Jason in the building.
— Why do you care so much all of a sudden?
I hadn’t meant to sound angry, but I couldn’t help the jealousy from creeping into my voice. Sara gave me a disgusted look, but said nothing. I tried again, this time concentrating hard to make my voice sound neutral.
— Okay, sorry. What did Jason want?
He wants to take me to a secret food cache he’s found.
— You’re not going, are you?
— Maybe. He said there’s enough food there to feed us for several months.
— But we were going to the river today to catch some fish or birds or something.
— You can still go there. Then we’ll have plenty to eat.
— I don’t want you to go with him.
— Why in the world not? Why wouldn’t you want us to know where this is?
— Okay, then I’ll go with you.
— No… He said only I could go.
— Oh, yeah, sure. That’s convenient, isn’t it?
— Why are you being such an ass? It’s just that he doesn’t trust guys. The other guys have been really mean to him.
Sara’s voice rose in anger and frustration. I had a bad feeling about this, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I sensed danger or just because I was jealous. I felt helpless. I felt that if I pushed it too hard, Sara would just leave me, but I still didn’t want her to go with Jason. I could provide for her; I knew I could. We didn’t need some punk coming in to try to prove to Sara that I couldn’t. After an excruciating mental battle with myself, during which Sara stared at me angrily, I shrugged and gave up.
— Do whatever you want. I’m going to get us some fresh meat.
I put emphasis on “fresh meat,” hoping that it would somehow impress her more than canned or dried food. When she answered, her voice was softer, gentler, as if she finally understood the anguish I was feeling.
— Good. I’d like that. I promise it’ll be okay.
With that, she put her hand on my cheek and kissed me tenderly and lightly on my lips. Then she smiled her beautiful, reassuring smile, although it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Sara cleaned herself up and gave me a quick peck on the cheek before leaving to meet up with Jason. She looked into my eyes, so deeply that I felt like I was swimming in her Caribbean blue eyes, and said softly,
— Good luck. Be careful. I’ll see you back here this afternoon.
Part of me wanted to follow her and Jason, staying well hidden like a spy or a CIA agent. But another part of me wanted desperately to show her that I could provide for her by bringing home some fresh food. I finally decided to do that, even though my heart was squeezing in my chest as I left the apartment with my gym bag. First, I stopped by Janice’s apartment and left Sara’s bag and most of the contents of mine, as Janice had told us we could do as long as we shared some of the food we found while we were out foraging. That put more pressure on me than ever to find food, but I couldn’t very well hunt with two large bags suspended from my shoulders and I didn’t dare trust the others enough to leave them in our apartment.
It took me only half an hour to walk down to the river as the apartment building was fairly close to it. It was a pretty nice day and there were lots of people on the banks of the river already, foraging for food, many with fishing poles. Even though the electricity had been on for about a month, there still was not a lot of food to be had as manufacturers and grocery stores geared back into business. And even when they did, there was not a lot of food that had been grown commercially to be processed, since the shortage of gasoline kept large-scale farming to a minimum.
I had brought with me a telescoping fishing pole that had belonged to Sara’s dad. I found a relatively empty spot on the river and dug around in the dirt for some worms. I wasn’t very good at fishing, since my dad had never had time to take me, but I had once gone with my Cub Scout troop when I was six or seven. Mom had come along with me and helped me put the worm on t
he hook. As I struggled with it now, I suddenly remembered how she had grimaced then smiled at me and forced the worm onto the hook. I decided that was a memory I needed to keep, so I tucked it away in the back of my mind.
At first I was unsuccessful, but every time I thought about quitting, the image of Jason handing that bag of peas to Sara came into my mind and I renewed my determination to catch something. I think I had been there most of the day—Time was not something I cared to think about anymore, even though we now had clocks to mark it again—before I finally had some luck and was able to catch two small fish, which if I remembered correctly were called blue gill, and two larger fish, which could have been bass or trout or catfish, for all I knew. I gutted them, as I observed a fisherman down the way from me doing, stuck them in my bag, and headed for home as the sun was heading down in the west. I hurried, worried that Sara would be all alone in the apartment, or worse, that she’d be with Jason. I wanted to trust Sara, but I definitely did not trust him.
When I got back to the building, I stopped by Janice’s apartment and picked up our stuff, leaving one of the small fish with her. She was thrilled to have fresh fish to eat and invited Sara and me to dinner, but I turned her down. I didn’t feel much like sharing Sara with anyone else that day. Sara was already in the apartment when I got there, quickly unlocking the door when I knocked.
— I’m so glad you’re home! I’ve been so worried about you. Did you get anything?
I smiled and, with a grand flourish, pulled out the remaining three fish. Sara squealed with delight and I felt better than I’d had all day. I was overwhelmed with relief and pride and just plain old love for that beautiful girl who was happily dancing around the living room with a dead fish for her partner.
Sara and I did the best we could to scale the fish and cook them, but we ended up having to pick some of the scales out of our teeth after eating. Neither of us knew much about cooking fresh fish, but they sure tasted good. Sara showed me the few items she had got from the food cache that Jason had taken her to: a bag of rice, four cans of vegetables, and two cans of peaches. We opened one of the cans of peaches for dessert. I wanted to ask her about her trip with him, but I didn’t want her to know I was jealous and worried about it, so I just kept quiet.
After we ate, Sara pulled a Hostess cupcake twin pack out of her bag and told me happy birthday. I’d forgotten that it was my birthday. Most of the day had sucked, but I was touched that Sara had remembered me while she was with Jason. After we shared the cupcakes, we sat and talked for a while.
— Tell me about when your mom left you, Ben.
— What do you want to know?
— I mean, did she just move out and leave you with your dad?
— Well… actually, Dad was the one who moved out.
— So did your mom make you go with him or something?
— No, I stayed with her for a few months, then I wanted to go live with my dad.
— So… then your mom didn’t leave you; you and your dad left her. Right?
I hadn’t thought of it that way before. All of a sudden the truth hit me like a physical blow and I was confused, wondering if my memory was intact or if I had twisted the truth around in my mind to fit some made-up scenario. I was grasping for the reason I had blamed Mom for leaving us, but then I remembered Lyle.
— Well, we had to leave. Mom had a new boyfriend.
— So why’d she have a boyfriend?
— How the hell am I supposed to know?
I hadn’t meant to raise my voice; I hadn’t meant to bring up the old anger and heartache that the memory of my unlucky thirteenth year held for me, but I couldn’t help it. I think part of me was trying to protect myself from trying to figure it all out, so I turned to anger to cover the raw feelings underneath. I was sorry the moment I looked at Sara’s face, however. She seemed surprised, shocked maybe, with her eyebrows raised and trace of fear in her eyes. The happiness that I had seen in her eyes earlier in the evening, when she had twirled the fish around, was now replaced with the more familiar haunted look. I felt ashamed and looked away from her quickly, but she reached out and pulled my face back to look at hers.
— I’m sorry, Ben.
— No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. It’s just that…
— I know. It’s okay. I’m angry with my parents for leaving me, too. Even though it wasn’t their fault. Just remember, things aren’t always what they seem.
At that, she drew me into a hug and we sat for a long time in silence, before she got up and went into the bedroom for the night. I refused to think about what she had said or about why Dad and I had left Mom. It was still too painful and besides, I didn’t see any use in reliving it. Better to let it all remain buried with my parents.
Chapter 12
Whatever It Takes
The next few days were spent trying to figure out ways to get food. Sara decided that as long as we had fresh food, she wouldn’t go with Jason to the food cache. She reasoned that we couldn’t store the canned food in the apartment since we were never sure we’d get the same one every night and we couldn’t very well carry around more than a few cans with us in our bags everywhere we went. That was alright with me… well, more than alright. It meant less time Sara spent with Jason. I’d almost rather have starved than see her go with him again.
Since “our” apartment didn’t have a balcony and we couldn’t guarantee that we’d always get to stay in the same one anyway, Sara and I went up to the roof to set an animal trap kind of like the one Dad and I had set during the blackout. We had to be careful to stay away from the burned out portion of the roof because it didn’t look too stable. We also stayed away from the other edges of the roof in case someone happened to look up and see us up there where we definitely weren’t supposed to be. I found a piece of PVC pipe, about two feet in length and four inches wide, which I rigged as a trap. I had remembered reading somewhere that birds can’t walk backwards, so I figured if I could lure them in, they’d be trapped. At least, that was what I’d hoped would happen. I covered one end of the pipe with some discarded wire mesh, then placed it in an out of the way spot on the roof, sprinkled some grains of rice leading to the pipe and down inside it, too.
While we were on the roof setting the trap, Sara found a wooden pallet, which gave her an idea for growing some of our own food. That night after dark, we went out to the strip of grass and trees that lined the street in front of the building and dug up fresh dirt with our hands and kitchen utensils. It was hard work but we managed to fill one of our gym bags with the dry dirt and drag it up to the roof. We packed the pallet with dirt between the slats. Now we just needed seeds. Sara said she’d seen some packets of vegetable seeds at the food cache that Jason had taken her to and planned to go there the next day with him. I wasn’t too happy about that, but I saw the value in growing our own food; maybe then she would never have to go back there with him. Still, I was grumpy the rest of the evening thinking about her being with him. When we had finished and gone back to the apartment, which we were lucky enough to get again, Sara had had enough of my bad attitude and confronted me.
— Ben, what’s wrong with you tonight?
— Nothing.
— I know something’s wrong.
— I don’t know. I guess I just don’t like the idea of you going with Jason tomorrow.
— What are you afraid of? That he’ll rape me or something?
— Maybe. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust anyone.
— Well, he doesn’t trust you either. Don’t you trust me?
I paused for just a second before I answered and that made Sara purse her lips in disgust. I tried to backpedal.
— I trust you. I just don’t know if…
— If what?
She sounded angry now.
— If he’ll talk you into doing something you don’t want to do. If he’ll hurt you somehow.
Then I lowered my eyes to the floor, miserably, and said, barely a
bove a whisper,
— If you’ll decide you’d rather be with him than me.
Sara lifted my chin up until I was looking into her eyes. Her voice was stern but not as angry.
— That’s not going to happen, Ben. I’m with you to the end. But I’ve gotta do whatever it takes to help us survive.
Part of what she said made me happier, but a lot of it had me worried. The parts about to the end, and whatever it takes made me wonder what she meant. I wanted to ask her to explain, but decided to leave it until another time. I was never good at expressing my feelings out loud. Or even to myself for that matter. Sometimes it seemed easier just to bury them.
The next morning, Sara left with Jason as planned. She said that the food cache was quite a ways away and that they’d probably be gone until afternoon. She gave me a quick kiss before she left, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t trust myself not to lash out again.
I knew I had to keep myself busy that day; my old enemy Time would come back to haunt me if I let it. So I decided to go down to the river and do some fishing again, but first, I checked the bird trap on the roof. No luck yet, but most of the rice had been eaten, so I added more to it. I stowed one bag and our extra gear in Janice’s apartment and headed to the river with my fishing pole and some bits of the fish heads that I’d saved for the purpose of bait.
I didn’t have quite as good luck at the river either that day. I caught only three blue gill and I would have to give one of those to Janice for keeping our stuff safe. That was okay, though; I still hoped I’d find a bird or two stuck in the pipe trap when I got back to the apartment building. When I got there, though, I found no birds, but all the grains of rice were gone. I was beginning to think that the trap didn’t work or that someone else was stealing the birds that it had caught.
Sara wasn’t home yet when I got back to the apartment after picking up our stuff and giving Janice her fish. To keep myself busy instead of worrying, I prepared the fish for cooking. Sara came in carrying a shopping bag, just as I was putting the fish in the oven to cook. I was so happy to see her, but that feeling faded as I noticed her appearance. She looked a little disheveled and her eyes seemed sadder and more haunted than ever. Her words of the night before, I’ve gotta do whatever it takes to help us survive, sprung to my mind and I was instantly alarmed at what she might have had to do today.
Time Lost: Teenage Survivalist II Page 6
