by Xyla Turner
Running my hands through my hair, I sighed. “Listen, I’m telling you now. I’m taking her to my place. She ain’t going nowhere, so whatever recovery she needs is fine but it’s happening with me.”
Shay raised her hands and said, “Okay, man. I won’t stand in your way. However, good luck with that.”
“Right. Well, thanks. I guess.” I nodded towards her and was about to leave.
“I know you’re her Bear. The one she needs,” Shay called after me.
“Obliged.” I turned once more and went to go sit down in the waiting room.
When she was released, she told them that Shay and Bronx would take her home. I didn’t start any shit in the hospital but as soon as we got outside, I had already spoken to the two of them. They were handling the paperwork and I picked up a screaming Dessy and put her in my truck.
“We need to talk and we do it now,” I said.
“We’ve nothing to talk about,” she snapped as she tried to leave.
“Dessy, you’re not leaving this truck until we do.” I turned towards her and said, “Now talk.”
“Fine, Bear. You wanna talk. Why don’t you just up and leave me again? That’ll send your point home.” She was glaring at me.
I waved my hand in a circle to get her to say more.
“I’m not talking to you.” She faced the window.
“Okay, fine. You’re staying with me though.” Shaking my head. “You think because you remove your stuff from my place we’re over. I told you before, you can’t do that.”
“Oh, but you can?” she snapped at me. “You can just up and leave. Not say one goddamn word. Ignore my calls and texts. That’s okay?”
“No, it was fucked up. I wasn’t in a good place, Dessy. I fucked up.” I was pleading. “Something happened and I didn’t handle it right.”
“Whatever, doesn’t matter now.” She turned back around.
“It does, sweetheart.” I reached for her but she slapped my hand away.
That didn’t stop me, I needed her so I pulled her toward me and her hands started to fly until she slapped me across the face.
Everything stopped.
Dessy looked at her hand in shock; while I simply looked down.
“I’m sorry, Bear.” She gasped and touched my face. “Oh my God, I’m sorry.”
There was nothing else to say because if my woman felt the need to lay her hands on me, there was much to be done.
A boat load of shit needed to be done.
Starting the truck, I drove us to my place where her clothes, toiletries and other shit she removed from the house was back but on the porch. Curtesy of some prospects, with Shay’s guidance. I opened the truck door for her and she calmly got out and went inside. I brought the six boxes inside of the house and started to move them upstairs. When I returned, she remained in the same spot.
Kneeling before her, I grabbed her hands with mine and said, “Look, I’m going to take care of you. Okay? Whatever is wrong, I’ll take care of it. Take care of you. You’re staying here, Dessy. Okay? A card will be delivered here in a few days with your name on it. It has all the money you’ll need to do whatever with. I’ll do the essentials. You don’t have to work and...”
“Bear, I don’t have to stay here. You don’t have to take care of me and I’ll be just fine.” She shook her head. “There’s no point of sending both of us through this torture, when we’re not together.”
“We’re not together?” I asked.
“We most certainly are not.” She looked at me.
My head nodded and then I asked, “You love me, Dessy?”
She looked to the side but I moved her face back to me.
“Answer me,” I coaxed.
“It doesn’t matter. We’re still not together,” she answered.
“It does matter. It means every fucking thing. My heart aches for you, when I was away and now that I’m back. You hurt, I hurt. You’re sad, I’m sad.”
“No, Bear. You left. I didn’t leave. You hurt me, I didn’t hurt you back. You promised me the world and whatever the hell happened you just up and left. I don’t trust you anymore. I can’t.”
Jesus.
My head went down again.
There was nothing else to say because she was right.
Dessy stood up and I said, “You still didn’t answer the question. I’ll answer it though.”
Standing so she was next to me and could feel my heart even if she didn’t want to see it.
“I love you with all my being. No games, no gimmicks. My sister has stage four cancer and is back in Arizona but sent me home so I could get right with you because she knew you made me a better man. No way, I’m letting you leave me, Dessy. Love you too much. I broke some shit and I need to fix it with you. You love me, so you’re going to give me that chance. I ain’t got many years left, Dessy but I’ll spend them fixing what I broke with you. That’s what I’m going to do.”
Pulling Dessy into me with one arm, I kissed her temple.
“Dinner will be ready at six o’clock, so you can rest upstairs. My room or the guest room?”
Her body was still close to mine.
“The guest room,” she muttered.
My heart sank but I was determined to get her back, not just in my bed but in her good graces.
“I’ll set you up in there, then.” My lips touched her temple again; then I grabbed her bags and went to do just that.
My phone vibrated and it was Shay.
Shay: She good?
Me: Yeah, she wants to be setup in the guest room but yeah
Shay: Ok, all in due time
Me: Thanks.
Who knew, crazy Shay would be my ally?
Shay and the doctor insisted that she could be off work for only a couple of days. She was pissed but she heeded to my word of her being off all week. I made a point to watch television in the living room instead of our room, just in case she wanted to join me. Instead of eating her food at the table with me, she retreated to the guest room. The roles were surely reversed because I cooked all the major meals. Once in a while, she’d make a snack but that was about it. Since she was without a car, she had to rely on me to get her around. Every Guardian alive knew they weren’t to take her anywhere.
A week of going nowhere, she met me in the living room and said, “I have a doctor’s appointment in one hour.”
“Ok.” I stood up and turned off the television.
“If I had my car, I could just go,” she said, but I eyed her.
“I’ll take care of you means, I’m your ride too.” I grabbed my keys. “Let’s go.”
She followed me out the door and didn’t say much else on the way to the clinic. When we arrived at the facility, she walked ahead of me to the front desk, gave her information to the receptionist and sat down next to me.
I looked around to her and said, “Do you know when the rest of your appointments are?”
“Not yet.” She didn’t say anything else.
They eventually called her name and I zoned out thinking about the ways I could get her to talk to me. I’m sure she was staying at the house to keep me from hassling her but I’d been too laid back on her. Letting her do things because I felt guilty.
I was guilty and had let her down.
That needed to be fixed.
Ten minutes later, Dessy came back out and I stood up so we could leave but she waved me to follow her to the back. Once we made it into the closed room, there was an image on the screen that looked like a sonogram of a baby with a red circle.
“Dr. Killman, this is Bear.” Dessy introduced me to the doctor.
“Hi Bear, nice to meet you. I was trying to press upon the importance of not trying to do this alone. It can be a lonely process already but having the support and love from family and friends is vital. She said that you would be helping her during this time.”
My head nodded as I turned towards Dessy who kept her eyes on the doctor.
“What exactly does she ne
ed?” I asked. “Is she allowed to work? She doesn’t have to but I know she hates sitting in the house all day.”
“No, she’s fine. It’s just that with the baby quickly depleting all of her resources, she needs to be refueled.”
She smiled just as my heart stopped.
The who?
Did she say baby?
“I’m sorry, come again,” I croaked.
The doctor blinked and the woman beside me stopped moving completely.
“I said, the baby is depleting...”
“What baby? Who’s baby?” I asked, cutting her off.
“Dessy’s baby,” she answered. “Your baby, right?”
The doctor looked at Dessy and my chest grew tight. My palms started to feel clammy and my stomach was warm with little flutters that made me light-headed.
“Dessy,” I managed to get out. “We’re having a baby?”
She didn’t look at me but nodded her head.
“Bear, how about you sit down,” the doctor said because she must have saw me blinking to clear my vision.
“I, uh...” The doctor grabbed my hand just in time as my knees almost gave out.
“Yeah, Dessy’s about nine weeks along. It’s too early to tell anything yet which is one reason why I think she didn’t want to say too much, but she’s healthy and just needs to make sure she is using her supports. Right, Dessy?” The doctor turned her head toward the woman who’d told me nothing.
She nodded.
“Well, I’ll leave you two alone for now,” she announced as she made a quick exit.
“Come here,” I called to her.
When she was within arms-length, I nabbed her and brought her down so she was sitting on my lap. Grabbing her hand, I placed it on my chest and said, “Do you feel that? Do you feel how fast it’s beating right now? How excited and shocked I am that you’re giving me the one thing that I didn’t even know I wanted until you came along? Forgive me, love. Don’t hate me like this. Were you ever going to tell me?”
When she turned to look at me with unshed tears in her eyes, she sobbed, “I could never hate you, Bear. I would have told you. I just ...”
“Then what’s with this shit,” I waved my hand around. “Why couldn’t you tell me?”
Dessy sighed and said, “I didn’t want to get your hopes up just yet. The doctor seemed to be certain that I’d be fine and would make it, but I didn’t want to get you all excited and then have a miscarriage.”
I shook my head and said, “Then we’d try again, sweetheart.”
“Bear,” she whined. “We’re not even together.”
“Oh yes, we are,” I clarified. “You might be mad at me but you’re the only woman in my life. The only woman I love with all my heart, my soul and my mind. The one who gave me purpose and now the one who’ll give me an offspring. You bet your ass we’re together.”
“We’re not, Bear.” She shook her head.
“We are.” I kissed her cheek. “We really are.”
My hand rubbed her stomach as my fingers expanded to cover the entire span of the smooth skin. I was going to be a father again and my heart was overjoyed. I thought about my little girl, Grace, who had passed away and I realized that I wanted another chance. Another opportunity to be the best father I could be with someone that I loved, adored and honored.
This was it and fuck if her attitude was going to get in my way. She didn’t know what a bear on the hunt was like but she was about to find out.
“BEAR, I’M GOING TO work,” Dessy argued the next day. “I don’t care what you say.”
I was standing in front of the door with my arms crossed.
“Sweetness, I’m not saying you can’t go to work but what I’m saying is inventory, stock, or anything heavy you won’t be doing. I’ve already contacted Big Joey and Bronx to pass along the fact that you’re not lifting shit. I got your hours, so I’ll be dropping you off and picking you up. Are we clear?”
“We are not clear, Bear.” Dessy started walking toward me. “We are most certainly not clear.”
She was in my face.
“You think because you’re all big and bad, I’m supposed to be scared of you?” she asked.
“No, I don’t ever want you to be scared of me. I want you to love me, sweetheart. More importantly, I want you to know that I have your best interests at heart. This is me, doing that. I’m not trying to be a beast, I just want you and our baby safe and sound,” I reminded her.
“We’re fine.” She nodded. “Now, can we go so I’m not late.”
“Sure.” I pulled her to my body but she tensed up.
She wasn’t ready yet.
Fuck.
I rubbed my nose against hers and let her go.
“Come on.” I smacked her ass and she smacked me right back on the arm.
This went on for another two weeks. She didn’t go out of her way to have conversations with me, ate in the guest room and wouldn’t join me in the living room ever. At night, if I knocked on her door, she’d answer in a tied-up robe and kept our conversations short. Doctor’s appointments were coming and neither of us had been out for fun in a while.
Finally, we went out with everyone because Shay texted me and say, “Time for y’all to breathe.”
She was right.
I grabbed a few beers with Razor, Bronx and Apollo; who were all uber in love and I was too.
“What’s up with you, Bear?” Apollo asked in a low voice.
Knowing, he meant what was up with me and Dessy, I answered, “Complicated.”
“How so?” Bronx chimed in.
Razor’s head turned toward the conversation so I said, “This goes nowhere because it’s not news yet or official. Dessy is pregnant and I’ve sort of told her she was staying with me after she passed out on me. Now, the thing is, she’s still pissed at me. Like, not together, sleeping in the guest room, won’t let me touch her, pissed.” The men all whistled. “Yeah, exactly.”
“Fuck, man.” Razor shook his head.
“Damn. That’s some harsh shit.” Apollo’s head reared back with his eyebrows up.
“Man, I’m telling you,” Bronx interjected. “You got to turn the tables on her. Get her away from all of this shit and to a place where there’s nothing but you and her. I’m telling you; it does wonders.”
The other guys shook their head.
“When Shay and I went on our honeymoon, we connected on such a greater level because there was nothing but me and her. Shit we hadn’t even addressed yet. We were both at a place where we could hear the other. That is now our official way to do our counseling shit. Go away.”
“It’s true,” Apollo chimed in. “Lori and I unraveled more shit on our honeymoon and I’m glad we did. Emotional health is big with us.”
“You may be on to something, man.” I thought about it. “When you guys were gone, she said she wanted to travel to Europe and see all the attractions. I could do that. I got to check in with Carol, who is doing a lot better these days, so I might be able to take a couple of weeks to go away.”
“Works wonders,” Razor nodded.
“Thanks, man. I’ll do that.”
That night, when we went to bed, she said goodnight and closed her door. I spent my night getting myself off to our picture in my phone. She took it one night when we were at Peppers and she was sitting on my lap.
Suddenly, she said, “Let’s take a picture.”
“Nah,” I whined but she grabbed my phone anyway.
“Come on.” She laughed. “Don’t be a grouchy Bear.”
“Fine.” I pulled her closer to me.
“Okay, smile.” She extended her arm out and snapped a few. “Okay, last one.”
Then she turned and kissed me; catching me off guard.
That was the picture I had of her lips on mine and my entire body responding to her. It responded now in the same way. Happened every time I saw the picture.
The next week, Shay helped me gather some of Dessy’s shit together f
or our trip. She already had her passport, which was a bonus and I had everything booked. The doctor said it was okay for her to travel so we were on our way.
“Bear, where are we going?” she finally asked me when we passed the city limits and drove into Harrisburg.
“Taking a trip,” I answered.
“A trip where?” She turned toward me.
“It’s a surprise.” I smiled.
She didn’t say anything until we pulled up to the airport and put the car in long-term parking.
“Bear, where are we going?” she asked again. “Don’t say a trip or surprise.”
“Sweetheart, we’re going on a trip, okay.” I pulled her luggage from the back of the truck, along with mine. “It’s a two-week trip and I’ve cleared it with the doctor, your cousin, your jobs and your mother. Well, your cousin cleared it with your mom.”
“Two weeks?” Her eyes grew. “Where?”
I locked up the truck and started toward the shuttle. Her feet started following me and I kept going to keep from answering too much. When it was time to get our boarding passes from the kiosk, I had to give it to her and she nearly passed out.
“Italy?” she exclaimed. “Bear, we’re going to Italy?”
“Well, that’s our first stop, in Rome, then Paris, Zagreb, and Vienna.” I answered her unspoken question. “We’ll go on an extended one after the baby is born.”
“W-why are you doing this?” she asked.
“You wanted to go, Dessy. I love you and I figured it’d be good to go before our first child comes. Kids tend to take over shit.”
I nabbed her hand, checked our bags and we patiently waited for our flight. I had to make several food runs because she needed to keep nourished. One time, I came back and I swear, she was glowing. Without thinking, I sat down, nabbed her hand and kissed her palm. Dessy looked down at her hand and put it back in her lap after she grabbed the food out of my hand.
“Thanks,” she mumbled.
The fifteen-hour flight was mostly us sleeping, watching movies or eating. When we finally arrived, we were taken to an older but modern hotel that overlooked the Porta Pia on the east side. The sun was just setting there and we both watched how magnificent the view was as the rays disappeared.
