by Moore, E. M.
He banged the steering wheel. “Shit!” He slowed down immediately, a low whine coming from the brakes. I breathed in deep a few times before opening my eyes again and looking around. We were in the nice Jeep we’d ridden into town in to get my tattoo. I tried to relax, but the emotions coming off of Connor in waves scared me. His hands twisted around the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. “Of course you don’t like cars. Stupid.”
“Why would you know I don’t like cars?” I asked, trying to do anything to keep my mind off the road. Though he’d slowed down a lot, my nerves were already hyper aware of every little jerk in the steering wheel or acceleration.
Connor shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Princess. I could only think about getting you out of there. I hate that that happened. I didn’t even think about the car. My main focus was just getting you away from all of them.”
My heart was in my ears, in my throat, anywhere but in my chest where it would’ve felt normal. “Connor, are we near any place where we can stop?”
He pulled over a little more roughly than he needed to. I squeezed the door handle until we skidded to a stop. I breathed out in relief and pushed the door open to let the fresh air in. I started counting my breaths, evening them out as best I could. It was a trick a doctor told me to do once and even though it had never worked for me before, I couldn’t help but try.
“God, I’m so sorry, Princess.” He rubbed my back as I gulped in the fresh air. We were next to a grassy field backdropped by a forest of trees. Connor’s phone rang, and he immediately answered, one hand staying on my back. A tinny voice said, ‘She doesn’t like cars!’ Connor groaned. “I know! Fuck. I just freaked the hell out.”
A calmer voice got on the phone. I recognized it as Nicolai’s deep, stern tone. “Where are you?”
“Pulled over on Route 8.”
“We’ll be right there.”
Better now, I finally sat back in my seat. Connor’s head was in his hands. I reached out and touched his arm. “Why are we out here? What happened?”
It took a second before he answered. “I got scared. I was the closest one to you, so I just took you and ran. Literally.”
“Should we go back?” I asked. Sure, the meeting was over, but wasn’t there a lot more going on? We couldn’t let Checkov win all those people over. They’d change the law in a heartbeat.
Connor shook his head. “The guys are on their way. I’m so sorry.” I tried to wave it off, but he took my chin in his hands. “Look at me. I never would’ve done that if I wasn’t freaking out.”
Christian must’ve told him what had happened in the car ride to the pizza place that one time. It was the only explanation because there was no way he knew about my mom. “I know, Connor. I’m not upset. Thank you for stopping when you did. I feel a lot better now. Won’t Isabelle and Gregor want to see you?”
Connor’s usual smooth face hardened. I was so used to seeing him with a hint of humor that this looked all wrong on him. He scowled. “Probably, but damn that Checkov! I want to kick his ass. Christian knew this was going to happen. He knew it.”
I tugged on the sleeve of his shirt until he looked at me.
His face melted. “Princess…” He just shook his head, his face troubled. It was as if he was torn between wanting to comfort me and venting out his own frustrations. “I really didn’t like that. The questions they asked Stephan? Checkov’s trying to say that vampires shouldn’t have any interactions with their guards. As if any contact only leads to stupid consequences.”
I scoffed at that. The guy was an idiot. “It would be the same with any deeply formed relationship,” I started, trying to help. “Whether it was a vampire-vampire one or vampire-human or vampire-guard. When feelings get involved, it can turn out messy. Hasn’t there ever been a vampire-vampire relationship that’s ended badly?” There was no way humans had the only domestic abuse statistics around.
“Yes, but it’s the guards that everyone cares about.”
I shook my head, silently cursing some of the vampires’ superiority complex. So it was okay for their relationships to end up badly, but once a human or a guard was introduced, the fault was always on them?
“Why do you think they make us turn humans we fall for into vampires? At their discretion, of course. You met Natalie Rajyvik, right?”
I nodded. “And Alex.”
Connor shrugged. “It’s fucked up, but that’s the way it is right now.”
Two cars pulled in behind us and Connor and I immediately got out and started walking toward them. Christian pushed past Nicolai and Stephan and grabbed my hands. He glared at Connor and then down at me. “Are you okay?”
I quickly nodded, trying to save Connor from any tongue lashing. “I’m fine.”
He heaved a sigh of relief, looking up for a moment and then pulled away so Stephan and Nic could give me a hug. “So, what now?” he asked, his gaze calculating as he looked at all of us. “Checkov just got that whole room riled up about guards. He picked the perfect venue to do it too, didn’t he? Of course everyone would come to the testimony of the Princes,” he said sarcastically.
“Chill,” Nic said. “You don’t know that anything will come of it.”
“Chill?” Christian spat. “This is fucking Ariana we’re talking about here! Didn’t you hear them degrade her as if she were nothing? I was two seconds away from breaking his neck.” Wide eyes turned toward Stephan. “I’m sorry, Steph—”
Nic’s eyes shrouded over. He stepped up to Christian, not even allowing him to finish his apology. “You don’t think I fucking get that! We all heard the same thing. I’m just saying not to jump to conclusions when we don’t fucking know anything yet.”
I moved between them, only a little intimidated by the anger radiating off them. “Stop. Please?” I said, looking at each of them in turn. “I know it didn’t look good and we’re all upset.” I maneuvered Christian away from Nic while I spoke.
Stephan ran his hands down his face. “I’m surprised Checkov even had the balls to do it.”
Connor turned toward me. “Topics are brought forth to our father first before they are discussed publicly. He never would’ve allowed that discussion to happen there with so many people present and with tensions already high about Royce killing himself. Checkov just used the incident to get his point across.”
“He doesn’t want guards?” I asked, clearly confused. If I were him, I wouldn’t be so opinionated if that was the case. Words started a lot of vicious battles.
Nic scoffed. “Oh, no. He wants guards. He just wants you to be in your rightful place.”
“Like as servants?” I asked, staring at Christian.
He nodded. “As you know, the rule between guards and their vampire hosts are loosely enforced at best. It’s said in the law that no significant emotions or feelings should be developed between the vampire and his or her guard because it would lessen the ability of the guard to be able to protect.”
Well, that was bullshit. To put it bluntly.
“As we’ve said before, it’s a hard thing to control. Who’s to say when feelings emerge between two people? Does sex automatically mean there are feelings? Not really. That has been happening for centuries, but you witnessed when it went bad. Kay’s pregnancy. Real feelings that could be proved. The Council came down hard on them.”
“Okay, so what is Checkov getting at?”
“More control,” Christian said simply, his gray eyes almost metallic. “What’s easier to enforce, vague limits or blanket disapproval?”
Dread settled in my stomach. “He wants the rules strictly enforced?”
“Not just strictly enforced. He wants it changed to no personal relationships whatsoever. Checkov is what we call a purist. He thinks vampires are the ultimate species and that messing around with guards is beneath us.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I kind of figured that out on my own when he asked why Stephan would help out just a trainee.”
“I should’ve jus
t kept my mouth shut,” Stephan said.
Christian spun on him. “You did the right thing. You just can’t help stupid, Brother. That’s what makes Checkov a problem,” he said, turning and looking at Nicolai. “He’s stupid, he’s got a big mouth, and just then, he had the pulpit to spew it out. It was a perfect storm.”
I tugged on my ponytail and leaned against the back of the Jeep. “Well, this sets us back from our goal. In fact, it’s completely the other direction from our goal. We’re trying to convince people that guards should have equal rights and here he goes spouting off that if you even like your guard, you’re putting yourself at risk.”
Connor latched his fingers behind his head. “I swear to God, vampires have the most severe self-preservation instinct. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. They’d probably stop drinking blood if someone told them it would hurt.”
Actually, Connor was wrong about that. I had the biggest self-preservation instinct. Vampires didn’t know anything about living on the streets and trying to survive day-to-day with nothing. “We need to go back,” I said.
They all looked at me.
“Without you guys there, this thing could get out of control. Everyone needs to hear your opinions. You’re the freaking princes for crying out loud. People respect you. They’ll respect your beliefs.”
The guys all stared at each other. They were doing that talking without talking thing again. Not Stephan though. He looked directly at me. “You know what could happen if we go back though, right? If they decide to change the law, there won’t be any more hanging out. There won’t be any more accidentally falling asleep in your room or swooping in to save you. There won’t be any more touching…”
“Or kissing…,” Connor added.
“Or more,” Nic said gruffly.
My thoughts swirled. That was bad…but what Checkov was trying to do was way worse. “That might happen whether you’re there or not. But if you’re not there, you can never change their minds.”
“You’ll be alone,” Christian said. “Completely. You think it’s hard right now? This will be ten times worse.”
“What’s the alternative? We all leave right now? You don’t get to say goodbye to Isabelle or Gregor, and we go into hiding? Do you really think they’ll let you do that? Not just your parents, but do I need to remind you that you’re the freaking princes?”
Stephan frowned. “We’re only thinking about you. We don’t want you to have to be alone anymore.”
I swallowed. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
Christian shook his head, swore, and then kicked the rocks at our feet. “Why are you so intent on saving this world we made you fall into?”
“I don’t see it as that,” I said honestly. “I see it as saving ourselves.”
“If there’s one thing this family has never done right, it’s saving ourselves,” Christian said darkly. The rest of the guys averted their gazes. Nic’s face was red, closed off. Connor rubbed the back of his neck while Stephan still stood off to the side. Besides the frown, he still had that same closed off look on his face when they asked him to talk about how he killed Kay, like he was trying to steel himself against any emotion but failing. I tried to will him to look me in the eyes, but he wouldn’t. Something else seemed to be bothering everyone else and coupled with what just happened at The Council meeting, we were all strung up pretty tight. Christian sighed, then, he reached out and tugged on my arm. “Come on. I’ll take you back in my car.”
“I can drive her,” Connor said. He looked at me with an apologetic smile. “I’ll go slower this time, I promise.”
“I need a minute,” Christian said, locking eyes with his younger brother. “That okay?”
After a moment, Connor nodded, and I allowed Christian to walk me to his sports car. He opened the door for me like he’d done before and then made sure I was strapped in. The other two vehicles pulled away and did u-turns, heading back the way we’d come. A knot twisted in my gut to see them do it. We were doing the right thing though. There were other guards out there who deserved to live the way they wanted to. Vampires, too. Kay and Royce, myself and the princes, we couldn’t have been the only ones where feelings developed. Maybe it was possible to get more people to come forward, to prove that bad things didn’t always happen when strong relationships were built.
I looked to the left and realized Christian hadn’t gotten in the car yet. Panicky butterflies swarmed inside me. I released my seatbelt and threw the car door open. Waves of relief hit me when I saw him standing a few feet away looking out over the grassy fields. I came up behind him, my hand resting on his lower back. He held his hand up and allowed me to sneak underneath before he lowered it around my shoulders and squished me into his side. He laid his head down on the top of mine. I just stood there silently with him for a little while, measuring his breaths with mine and then trying to make them match. He breathed, and I would breathe.
It seemed kind of fitting that he and I would end up like this. He was always so scared that I was going to run away and here I was telling him to go back. “We can’t leave your mom,” I finally said. “She’ll lose it.”
He shook his head, a small, sad smile forming on his lips. “You never cease to amaze me, Ariana. You don’t know how right you are, though, do you?”
Clearly something had happened. I had my secrets, too, but maybe it was time to start giving them up. It wasn’t as if I didn’t trust them. I trusted them with everything. “Did something happen to your family, Christian? Checkov, he gave Stephan a hard time about coming after me, but not just because it was me. There’s something else I don’t know, isn’t there?”
He nodded slowly.
“You know you can talk to me about it. I’ve lost people, too. I know what it feels like. I—”
I cut myself short. Christian’s jaw feathered, and he looked every bit as ferocious as Gregor did yelling at Checkov.
I’d gone too far. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought…”
He turned toward me, his arms going around my shoulders as he hugged me to him. I caught a brief look of his face before he guided my head to his chest. I recognized the look there. Grief. But not just the grief. It was the grief with all the questions attached to it.
Why? God, I hated that freaking word.
“It’s not just my story to tell, Ariana.” His voice shook. “It’s probably about time we do tell you.” He pulled away, his eyes locking with mine. “It’s going to be hard. For you, too.”
I searched his eyes for an explanation, but there wasn’t one. “Why don’t we just take this step-by-step? Let’s get back home, and then we’ll go from there.”
He looked so lost, so scared almost. My heart was breaking for him.
I stepped forward, my hand going up to trace his lips. He immediately caught it, kissed my fingertip, and brought it back down to my side again. He cupped my face, his long, slender fingers sliding into the hair at the nape of my neck. His thumb passed along my jawline as he lowered his lips to mine. His lips trembled as they passed over mine once, twice, then they were slow and steady. He stepped forward, his hands sliding down my arms where he traced my tattoo then down to my lower back where he pulled me closer. I looped my arms up around his shoulders, trying to hold him right where he was. There was something different about this kiss. It was like a hello and a goodbye all wrapped in one. I kept coming forward, and he kept coming right back, but I couldn’t help but feel he was holding back. There was something between us, something big.
He was the first to pull away, and it was only then I noticed that I had tears in my eyes. They fractured my view of him and then the car as he walked me that way and buckled me in once again. This time, he didn’t waste any time getting into the seat next to me and starting the car. He did the same u-turn his brothers had and then we were headed back. The closer we got, the more it felt like someone had my heart in a vise grip.
Christian didn’t hold my hand like
he had before when he was scared of me leaving. Nope. Not this time. It was almost the exact opposite.
17
Christian and I walked next to one another as we moved through the house, but we might as well have been miles away. Not only were we too scared to touch in public now, but there was something else there driving a wedge between us. We walked up the large staircase and then the smaller one as we made it to the third floor. The rest of the princes were huddled in the library, but Christian waved them forward. “It’s time,” he said.
Their faces washed out. My gut twisted a little more. They didn’t know how close I was to having a panic attack. Its icy claws were trying to take control, but I was fighting back with everything I had in me. Surely we hadn’t come this far in order to drop everything now. But if not, why did I feel like this? It felt like the day I realized my mom wasn’t coming back.
We turned and headed back. We stopped just outside the last door in our hallway—the one I’d known something was off about. I felt sick. If it was in this hallway… And there was a loss…
All five of us stared at the door, but no one made a move. Then, Christian spoke. “How come you’ve never asked why we chose you? Are you at all curious why, out of everyone in the world, we found you? How we would’ve found you?”
I shook my head, wondering what he was getting at. “I remember asking once. When you first brought me here. You didn’t answer.”
“Why didn’t you push it?”
I shrugged. “It didn’t seem to matter anymore. I was happy here, safe. Asking why you brought me here would’ve been like me asking why I was born. People only ask ‘why’ when they’re unhappy or unfulfilled. That’s not me.” I stared at all of them. They were so close, yet so far away. I just kept talking, trying to reach out to them. “From the moment I met all of you, I’ve been the exact opposite. I used to question things all the time. ‘Why’ used to be my mantra, but when I met you, when you brought me to The Fort, things just seemed to click. Everything that happened to me before The Fort all made sense after I met you four. My mom dying, the foster homes, everything, they were all bringing me closer to you. Why would I ever question something like that?”
