This is it. I have to tell him. “I don’t know what’s wrong right now but-“ I take a deep breath. “I have cancer. I was in remission, but I found out it came back the same day I found out I was pregnant. I chose to have the baby and forgo treatment.”
He falls back into the chair. “No.” his face pails as his expression drops. He sits the for a few minutes as still as a statue before He stands up and punches the closest wall making me jump. “You can’t have cancer. You’re beautiful, and vibrant, and fucking healthy!”
I shake my head and the nurse walks in most likely because Mason is being so loud.
“Sir you need to lower your voice. Oh you’re awake. I’ll get the doctor.”
Mason sits down next to me. And the door opens once more.
The doctor is standing there holding a chart that contains my fate and my future. “Miss Hunt, I need your permission for Mr. Brooks to be in the room while we discuss your health. “
“He can stay.” I hold my breath as I wait for him to speak.
“During your delivery all of your vitals crashed and the baby’s oxygen level dropped dramatically. We had to rush you to an emergency c-section. The baby was delivered and for her age she is remarkably strong.” I look over at Mason remembering how he compared her to me. It’s such a relief for me that she is here. I did it. “After the baby was delivered you flat lined. Your body has been through so much stress between the cancer, the pregnancy, and the delivery that it shut down. We were able to revive you and then further assess what was going on. We sent you for a few different scans.”
He looks between the two of us. This is going to be bad. “The cancer has spread to your bladder and your kidneys. We have you on some medicine but the prognosis isn’t good. I don’t know how to say this but at best we may be able to keep you comfortable for a week or so. The cancer is just too strong and has spread too much. We can’t stop it. Not only that, but your body is too weak right now to fight.”
No.
I look over at Mason and he is crying. I can’t see his face because it is hidden in his hands but I can see tears falling onto the floor. His shoulder shake lightly, and my heart breaks even more.
“If you have any further questions or requests we will be here to assist you in any way possible.” I can’t respond so I just nod.
I’m dying.
I won’t get to see Grace grow up.
I won’t get to celebrate her first birthday.
I won’t be able to kiss her boo boos.
I won’t get to hold her when a boy breaks her heart for the first time.
I won’t be there for anything.
I start to cry again. I can’t believe this. How could it be happening? This isn’t supposed to be how things are. Mason stands pulling me close to him the two of us having nothing to say. I always believed in God and that everything happens for a reason. I don’t see any reason for this. It doesn’t make sense.
It’s cruel.
“I’m so sorry I kept this from you. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want everyone knowing and stressing about it. I had hope, I prayed every night that everything would be okay. That she would be healthy and we would all be happy.”
He pulls back to look at me. “You’re not going anywhere. I won’t let you. You can fight this. We can fight this together. Screw those doctors they don’t know how strong you are. You can do this babe.”
I would love to say I believed him and that I had faith in myself but I don’t. My body feels like it’s weighted. It is taking all of my energy just to have a conversation right now. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell everyone.”
“I will. I’ll tell them that you’re sick but you’ll pull through. That’s the truth. You will beat this shit again.” He seems so determined, so sure.
I nod my head. “Can you just lay with me for now?”
He climbs into bed beside me. “I love you.” My heart stops. He finally said it.
“I love you too.” As I fall back asleep I can hear him singing “you are my sunshine.” Towards the end the words cut off.
He is crying again.
Chapter Twenty Four
“Lacey?” I look up to see my mom and dad standing there. Mason is next to me but I feel him wake up.
He looks at me. “I’m going to go talk to everyone.” I nod my head and give him a kiss before he goes.
“What is going on honey? We left once we heard the baby was coming, but when we spoke to Jules a few hours ago she was panicked.” They sit down and I begin to tell them how I found out I was pregnant, how I’ve been ignoring my cancer in favor of having a baby, and lastly what the doctor just said to me. My mother is in tears and my father has this utter look of shock on his face.
My mom stands up to hold me trying to be strong and comfort me. She tells me it will be okay, she’s lying to herself. Just like Mason.
Mason comes back into the room and my parents excuse themselves. “I uh…I told everyone. They’re all in shock. Jules wants to come in. She almost charged in here but I told her your parents were in here.”
“You can let her in.” He nods his head before leaving.
The door swings open almost immediately. Jules is standing and she looks like she’s been through hell and back. Her hair is piled sloppily on top of her head and her makeup is piled under her eyes, while tears are still slipping from her eyes.
She runs to me wrapping her arms around me. “You can’t leave me Lace. This isn’t supposed to happen we’re sisters, forever. You said that, remember? You can’t just leave. I need you. Mason needs you. Grace needs her mom.” She pulls away from me. I start to cry again. It’s all I’ve done since I got the news. “You are gonna beat this Lace, you are going to be an amazing mom.”
I look at her and her hands are resting on her belly. Then I really look and think back over the last month. “So are you.”
“What? How did you—“
“Jules, with or without me here, you will be okay. I would have loved for us to be moms together, that’s not going to happen. You and I both know it. I wanted to ask you to be Grace’s Godmother. She is going to need someone, and so is Mason. He will be an amazing father but he will need help. There is no one I want there for her in my place except you.” I wipe my eyes and wait for her answer.
She shakes her head. “You can’t ask me that. You are going to be here.”
“I’m not. I can feel it.” As much as it pains me to admit it, I can feel my body giving up. “You will always be my sister and I will be watching over you and your baby, just as I will with Mason and Grace. You can do this, you’re so strong. I believe in you so much babe.”
We sit there holding hands quietly for the longest time, until Brian comes in to check on us. “Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to see if you guys were okay.”
“It’s okay. In fact can I talk to you for a minute, alone?”
Jules looks up at me and gives me another hug before leaving. Brian sits down next to me.
“I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“Take care of my sister. She is going to need you now more than ever. She is strong but she’ll need you to remind her of that. She has this false sense of hope that everything will be okay. When it isn’t she is going to fall apart. Take care of her for me.”
He nods his head as I see his eyes swell with tears. “I don’t know what she’ll do without you.
“She’ll live.” He gives me a hug before leaving, I’m sure to go find my sister.
A knock at the door sounds and I look up to see Jake. He and I have gotten so close these past months. He was there for me when Mason left. I nod at him letting him know it’s okay to come in.
“Mason told us…I don’t…is there anything I can do?” His hands are stuck in his pockets with the rest of his body rigid.
I reach for his hand. “You can take care of Mason and Grace. He doesn’t think he can do this without me Jake, but I know he can. He has so
much love in him and all he needed was someone to show him it was there. I did that and now he can give that to her. I know he will be an amazing father, but I also know he will need all of you to remind him of that.”
He takes the seat next to me as many others have today. “Why didn’t you tell us? We could have helped you.”
“No. You couldn’t have. No one could. I knew when I chose Grace over my treatment that there would be risks. I may have been overly optimistic, but this was my choice. I chose her life over my own. Will you do something for me?”
He nods. “Just name it, Lace. Whatever you need.”
“Stop being afraid. I see the way you look at Brian and Jules, Hunter and Sam, even Mason and me. You want that Jake. For some reason you won’t go for it. Life is too short. If you get knocked down it only makes you stronger and harder to knock down again. Pushing away something because you’re afraid doesn’t diminish your fear, it gives it power over you. You are an amazing guy, I’m so happy that I got to know you better.”
I’m crying, again. This must be the hundredth time in twenty four hours. The door sounds again and Mason is standing there. “I’ll leave you guys alone.”
Jake gets up and leaves.
I look at the man standing there in front of me.
The man who I love with all my heart.
Who I need to find a way to say goodbye to.
Chapter Twenty Five
“Are you ready to go meet our daughter?”
“Yes!” that yell took so much energy but nothing can stop me from seeing her not even the overwhelming need for sleep. The nurse helps me into a wheelchair, then pushes me down the hall. “Have you been able to see her?”
“Yea, she’s gorgeous. Just like her mother.”
We go into the unit and I’m brought in front of an enclosed crib, with the most beautiful baby I have ever seen inside of it. I look at the nurse. “Can I hold her?”
“Yea actually she is fairly healthy and as long as you’re careful you can. We encourage what they call kangaroo care. That’s where you hold the baby against your bare chest. Skin-to-skin contact is really comforting for them at this age.”
The nurse hands me my baby, my little Grace. I open my gown and place her on my chest before covering her with it. She is so little. Her little fingers move and scrape against my skin as if she is trying to hold onto me. Sitting here with her I try not to think about the little time I will have with her.
I take a deep breath holding my tears back. I don’t want my time with her tainted by sadness. I rock back and forth singing ‘you are my sunshine’ to her. That’s what she is, she is the only thing that kept me going this past month. Knowing that I would have her, get to hold her.
Mason bends down and places a soft kiss on her head, then on mine. “My two girls.” I can hear the pain in his voice. He may not want to admit it but he knows this picture is short lived.
I spend an hour in the unit before the nurse tells me they need to take her, and check her vitals. Another nurse returns me to my room and then leaves Mason and I there.
“I’ve been thinking. What if we ask the doctor to start treatment now anyway? Maybe they’re wrong maybe it will take. We have to try.”
I hold out my hand to him but it falls to the bed before he grabs it. I’m so weak. “Lay with me. I’m so tired.” I see him nod and feel him climb into bed beside me before I drift off.
***
It’s been six days since Grace was born. I spent the first three days in the NICU for as long as they would let me. Holding her, singing to her, trying to engrain myself in her memory praying that I’ll forever be somewhere inside of her. These last couple days I haven’t been able to stay awake long enough. They are concerned I’ll drop her, and to be honest I am too.
“Lacey” I can hear Mason’s voice and I try my damnedest to open my eyes.
“Why won’t she wake up?”
I hear my doctor’s voice. “Mr. Brooks, as hard as this is you need to understand that she is slipping. Her body is growing weaker every day. Simple tasks like blinking become a chore, and may require more energy then she has at this time.”
“You need to fix her.” His voice is deadly.
“I’ve told you before, unfortunately there is nothing we can do. It has progressed too far.” I drift off before I can listen to the rest of their conversation.
I feel my mind waking up again and this time I force my eyes open. Mason’s gaze catches mine. “Hey angel, I missed you.”
I know what I need to say to him. I just need to work up the energy. “It’s ok to let go. I’ll always be here. I love you more than anything Mason. I always will and I will be watching over you and Grace every single moment of your lives. In everything that you do just look up to the sky and know that I’m there. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on though. It’s hard, and I’m weak. I needed to say this to you. You have come so far in the short time we have been with each other. I know you’re scared but you will be the most amazing father. This is your second chance. That little girl in there will love you unconditionally. This is a fresh start for her. I know you’ll be there to do everything I can’t. I love you so much. I believe in you.”
Tears are streaming down both of our faces. “I’m not ready to let you go. It can’t be time. I need you here. You are the light in my darkness, the only one to ever make the demons disappear. They don’t haunt me when you’re around. We were supposed to have forever Lacey. I was going to ask you to marry me. You changed me. I never wanted any of that until you showed me I did. Please don’t leave me.”
“If I could stay I would. I just don’t know how much longer that’s possible. Will you take me to see Grace? I can’t hold her I just want to see her.”
He nods and calls the nurse. We go down to the NICU and Mason holds our baby girl. I sing to her one last time. Trying to put every ounce of love I can into her. We return to my room and I’m put back into bed.
I hold Mason’s hand weakly.
“I love you. And I would have said yes.”
He kisses me and I feel his tears hitting my cheeks. “I love you.”
Mason holds my hand as I feel myself slipping away.
This time it feels like I’m floating away from earth, away from my family.
I take my place in the sky forever watching over them.
Epilogue
Mason
It’s been a week since I lost her. Since my entire world faded away right in front of my eyes. It was almost like I felt her leave me. I spent the next two days tearing my apartment apart I was so angry. I was angry at Lacey for leaving me. I was angry at God for taking her. I was angry at myself for not making more out of the time we had together.
Brian came by and forced me to go to the hospital, I couldn’t go back there after losing Lacey it was a place full of pain. When I walked into the NICU and saw Grace my world made sense. I would hold myself together for her. I would do anything for her. I spent every single minute at the hospital even when the nurses told me to leave. I slept in the waiting room. I wouldn’t leave her. She would never be alone.
The funeral was one of the worst days of my life, after losing Lacey. Everyone was a wreck all of us just can’t believe she is gone. Lacey was this force that attracted anyone around her. She was my angel. The first day I ever met her she was standing in front of me in this shirt little white dress and the sun was just behind her. She took my breath away. Even in the beginning when I pushed her away, I called her angel. That’s exactly how I saw her, it was the thing that made me push her away, and the same thing that kept me coming back for more. She still is. Her light is inside of me and I swear beside Grace that’s what keeps me going.
Today is the day that I finally get to take Grace home. The nurses said they were surprised at how fast she is able to be discharged. I said it from day one, that little girl is a fighter just like her momma. Lacey held on long enough to make sure everyone she loved knew that she would always be with them
, and long enough to give me the most precious gift in the world.
As I walk into the house I bought for us it’s bittersweet. The month Lacey and I were apart, as mad as I was at her I still loved her. I bought this place hoping to move us into it before Grace came, and we could have if she came in time. The nursery is decorated with everything Lacey said she loved in the store.
I walk up the winding steps I had put in because she always said they reminded her of a castle. She was my queen and I would have moved heaven and earth just to make her happy. I never told her that. Hell I never even told her I loved her until I was about to lose her. I wish I had known I would have made every day special and made every moment count.
Grace is awake now as I carry her to her room. She seems to look around at all the pink and then back at me. I trace her small hand and then she does something unexpected. She grabs my finger and squeezes. My heart stops. I look up to the sky.
“Do you see this angel? Thank you for giving me the most amazing gift anyone could have.”
Lacey saved me. I wish she could be here but even with her leaving she managed to give me a happy ending. She gave me a daughter.
“Grace, I promise that you will always feel loved beyond belief. If I can help it you will never feel an ounce of pain. If you do, I’ll be here for you. Always.”
I give her a kiss on the head as a tear falls from my eye.
As I sing ‘you are my sunshine’ to the angel in my arms, I sing it to my angel in heaven.
Saving Her Page 9
