by K. M. Szpara
He talks me through warm-up exercises, wrist strapping, good posture and, finally, how to hit the punching bag. After several weary minutes I say I’m not sure about this, and when I turn around he’s smiling and holding a pair of wooden swords. I’ve never seen him with two swords before. Is there anyone Mother hasn’t talked to about this? (No. No, there is not. Within a week even the new gardener I don’t know is casually telling me about their job and hobbies.)
“Remember you’d ask what I’d do if I didn’t paint?” I copy his movements to jab and swipe with the sword. “You never asked what I’d do if I did paint.”
He corrects my foot placement. “None of us has ever had easy answers, you know, but I think you’ll find your desire. Looking for it can’t hurt. And if you think it’s not here, you’ll always be welcome wherever I end up.”
Eldest Brother’s one of the few who doesn’t tell me I’m just a kid, don’t worry. For that I’ll miss him all the more.
Collage.
I am a reflection of my family, an interpretation of painted flesh illegible without their paradigm behind me. Where one would expect paint to bring function, art, story, beauty or tribute, instead there is just description—and a false one at that.
Paint in ink, paint in fabric, paint in beads, in paper, wool, fur, chalk, pencil, tape, eyeliner. Paint in crosshatch, paint in negative space, paint in pointillism, in mosaic, stamp, outline, calligraphy. Paint in layers and paint in discord and paint in anything but paint.
And one paint in dried chocolate sauce on my right arm because the duchess’s younger daughter cannot be entirely rebuffed on her birthday. At first she proposed lipstick on my neck, ignoring previous rejections and that my attraction deficiency continues, and I almost acquiesced to the enticement of pragmatism and effortlessness.
The duchess takes me around the party, showing me off to guests for my debut. Some recognise me and what I’ve done. I’m all grown up now, aren’t I clever, they’d assumed I’d go into tattoos. Some don’t, confused or guessing I’m a joke, and then the duchess explains witheringly the charm and genius of my painted body until they apologise profusely, hoping invitation to her next party has been re-secured.
Obvious pride, approval and relief surround me. My family and the duchess are happy, and I am—I’m neither all grown up nor happy, not yet, but I suppose I’m growing into it. If I can find a way to paint my skin without paint, to conform without feigning comfort…then maybe finding something to strive for, to enjoy and love and pass the time with once family has dispersed, won’t be impossible?
Future I will write. Happiness I will paint.
The Contributors
Nino Cipri is a queer and genderqueer writer living in Chicago. Nino is a graduate of 2014 Clarion Writers Workshop, which they attended with the help of an Illinois Arts Council Professional Development grant. Their writing has been published or is forthcoming from Tor.com, Fireside Fiction, Betwixt, Daily Science Fiction, In the Fray, Autostraddle, and Gozamos. A multidisciplinary artist, Nino has also written plays, screenplays, and radio features; performed as a dancer, actor, and puppeteer; and worked as a backstage theater tech.
Holly Heisey launched their writing career in sixth grade when they wrote their class play, a medieval fantasy. It was love at first dragon. Since then, their short fiction has appeared in Orson Scott Card’s InterGalactic Medicine Show, Escape Pod, The Doomsday Chronicles, andClockwork Phoenix 5. A freelance designer by day, Holly lives in Upstate New York with Larry and Moe, their two pet cacti, and they are currently at work on a science fantasy epic. You can find them online at hollyheisey.com.
Alexis A. Hunter revels in the endless possibilities of speculative fiction. Over fifty of her short stories have appeared in magazines such as Shimmer, Apex, Fantastic Stories of the Imagination, and more. To learn more, visit alexisahunter.com.
Everett Maroon is a memoirist, pop culture commentator, and speculative fiction writer. He has a B.A. in English from Syracuse University and went through an English literature master’s program there. He is a member of the Pacific Northwest Writer’s Association. His young adult series, The Time Guardians, is forthcoming from Lethe Press
Jack Hollis Marr is an English writer of speculative fiction and poetry whose work has appeared in Stone Telling, Goblin Fruit, and The Future Fire. He frequently writes on issues of gender, sexuality, and disability, juxtaposed with mythic and folkloric motifs
A. Merc Rustad is a queer transmasculine non-binary writer who lives in the Midwest United States. Their stories have appeared or are forthcoming in Lightspeed, Fireside Fiction, Apex, Escape Pod, Shimmer, Cicada, The Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2015 and Wilde Stories 2016. In addition to breaking readers’ hearts, Merc likes to play video games, watch movies, read comics, and wear awesome hats. You can find Merc on Twitter @Merc_Rustad or their website amercrustad.com.
Pronouns: they/them/their. B R Sanders is a white, genderqueer writer who lives and works in Denver, CO, with their family and two cats. B writes about queer elves, mostly. B tweets @B_R_Sanders.
E. Saxey is an ungendered Londoner who works in universities. Their fiction has appeared in Daily Science Fiction, Apex Magazine, Queers Destroy Science Fiction and in anthologies including Tales from the Vatican Vaults (Robinson) and The Lowest Heaven (Jurassic London).
Benjanun Sriduangkaew is a bee who dreams of strange cities and beautiful futures. Her fiction has appeared in Clarkesworld, Tor.com, Apex Magazine, Beneath Ceaseless Skies and the Heiresses of Russ: The Year's Best Lesbian Speculative Fiction series. Her first novella, Scale-Bright, was nominated for the British Science Fiction Association award.
Penny Stirling lives in Perth, Western Australia. Ou enjoys embroidering cross-stitch and blackwork pixel art, video games, and collecting notebooks. Ou write speculative stories and poems and has been published in Interfictions, Limininality, and Strange Horizons. More details can be found at pennystirling.com
Bonnie Jo Stufflebeam’s fiction and poetry has appeared in over fi fty magazines and anthologies including The Toast, Clarkesworld, PRISM International, Lightspeed, and Everyman’s Library’s Monster Verse. She recently released an audio fiction-jazz collaborative album, Strange Monsters, centered around the theme of women’s voices. She’s been reprinted in French and Polish, for numerous podcasts, and on the popular science blog io9. She earned an MFA in Creative Writing from University of Southern Maine’s Stonecoast Program and created and curates the annual Art & Words Collaborative Show in Fort Worth, Texas. She is active on Twitter @BonnieJoStuffle and on her website bonniejostufflebeam.com.
Bogi Takács is a Hungarian Jewish agender person currently living in the U.S.. Eir speculative fiction, poetry and nonfiction have been published in a variety of venues like Clarkesworld, Apex, Strange Horizons and Glittership. E posts SFF story and poem recommendations on Twitter under #diversestories and #diversepoems. You can follow Bogi on Twitter at @bogiperson or visit eir website at prezzey.net.
Molly Tanzer lives in Boulder, Colorado along the front range of the Mountains of Madness, or maybe just the Flatirons. A professional writer of literary horror and fantasy both long and short form, Tanzer’s first collection, A Pretty Mouth, was nominated for the Sydney J. Bounds and the Wonderland Book Award. Tanzer is also the author of Rumbullion and Other Liminal Libations, a collection of short stories with associated drinks, and the acclaimed Weird Western Vermilion (Word Horde). Tanzer is a Hong Kong cinema enthusiast, a former academic, and an avid hiker. Find her at @molly_the_tanz.
Margarita Tenser is a Ukrainian-born Aussie with a large comic book collection, an intense relationship with punctuation, and a pixie haircut, provided the pixie was dragged through a hedge backwards. Her work has been published in Strange Horizons, Vitality Magazine, and Voiceworks.
E. Catherine Tobler has never ridden a thunderbird into the heavens, but it’s not for a lack of trying. Her fiction has appeared in Clarkesworld, Lightspeed, and Beneath Ceaseless Skies. In June
, The Kraken Sea, a novella set in her travelling circus universe, will be available from Apex Book Company. Follow her on Twitter @ECthetwit or her website, ecatherine.com.
The Editor
In the best of all timelines, K.M. Szpara lives in Baltimore, Maryland, with his black cat and miniature poodle. He has a Master of Th eological Studies from Harvard Divinity School, which he totally uses at his day job as a paralegal. On nights and weekends, Kelly advances his queer agenda by writing science fiction and fantasy novels. His short fiction appears in Lightspeed, Shimmer, and Glittership. You can fi nd him on Twitter at @KMSzpara.
Publication Credits
Introduction copyright © 2016 K.M. Szpara, original to this volume
“The Shape of My Name” copyright © 2015 Nino Cipri, first appeared March 4, 2015 at Tor.com
“Contents of Care Package to Etsath-tachri, Formerly Ryan Andrew Curran (Human English Translated to Sedrayin)” copyright © 2015 Holly Heisey, first appeared in November 2015 at EGM Shorts
“Be Not Unequally Yoked” copyright © 2015 Alexis A. Hunter, first appeared in Shimmer #23
“Treasure Acre” copyright © 2015 Everett Maroon, first appeared in Expanded Horizons #46
“into the waters I rode down” copyright © 2015 Jack Hollis Marr, first appeared in Accessing the Future: A Disability-Themed Speculative Fiction Anthology (ed. by Djibril al-Ayad & Kathryn Allan, Futurefire.net Publishing)
“Where Monsters Dance” copyright © 2015 A. Merc Rustad, first appeared in March 2015 in Inscription: A Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction for Teens
“The Scaper’s Muse” copyright © 2015 B R Sanders, first appeared in Glitterwolf #9
“The Librarian’s Dilemma” copyright © 2015 E. Saxey, first appeared in The Journal of Unlikely Academia
“The Petals Abide” copyright © 2015 Benjanun Sriduangkaew, first appeared in Clarkesworld #103
“Kin, Painted” © 2015 Penny Stirling, first appeared in July 2015 at Lackington’s
“Everything Beneath You” copyright © 2015 Bonnie Jo Stufflebeam, first appeared in Beneath Ceaseless Skies #164
“The Need for Overwhelming Sensation” copyright © 2015 Bogi Takács, first appeared in September 2015 at Capricious
“The Thing on the Cheerleading Squad” copyright © 2015 Molly Tanzer, first appeared in She Walks in Shadows (ed. by Silvia Moreno-Garcia & Paula R. Stiles, Innsmouth Free Press)
“Chosen” copyright © 2015 Margarita Tenser, first appeared in December 2015, Vitality Magazine
“Splitskin” copyright © 2015 E. Catherine Tobler, first appeared in Beneath Ceaseless Skies #172
