‘But your financial struggles are not my fault. They are all because of the choices you make. Don’t blame me for your own failures. If I was an ordinary housewife sitting at home we would not know where to get our next meal from!’
‘The recession hit so many people. Everyone suffered. Don’t blame me.’ ‘I’m not. But my profession didn’t suffer. And thank God I had a job that could pull us through.’
‘Again you’re pushing it!’
‘I’m not.’ Kavita sighed. This argument was going nowhere.
‘Yeah, well that may be better as a wife than being so driven and manly.’
‘Manly?’ Kavita was aghast. Was that even a word?
‘Yes, Kavita, I said stop being manly. It’s the man of the house who buys the cars, provides food, looks after the family. Not the wife.’
Kavita felt even more furious. She felt Gaurav was being extremely unreasonable. He couldn’t get himself a decent, stable job, and because she was stepping up and providing for their family he resented her? She had felt this for a long time now but it was only today that Gaurav had finally let the words out: He wanted them to play the traditional roles of husband and wife.
No, she couldn’t give that to him. She had never taken to domesticity and never would. It was just not her. That’s why her mother was there. To be the backbone of her life while she went out to deliver babies.
She was angry at Gaurav but maintained her calm. ‘How does it matter who provides for the family, Gaurav? I’m working to secure our future while doing something I love.’
‘It matters, Kavita. Your mother won’t always be around. When she’s gone, what then? When Kaajal gets married and we’re both working, who will look after Vansh and the house?’ he thundered. ‘It’s time you take a step back from your career and look after your house and family. There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife.’
Just then her mother emerged in the hall, making them stop their argument. He left the house without saying another word.
Can I really save this marriage? Kavita didn’t know how. She was being punished for being true to herself. For knowing what she wanted, for being ambitious, for providing for her family! One thing he had said moved her to tears—If something did happen to her mother, she would then need to be that housewife.
He would never sit at home. And if she chose to divorce him and lead a single mother’s life, who would look after the house? No one would really understand the hell she went through in her marriage. He was a complete Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Everyone would be sympathetic towards him. It might even affect her career. A single mother as a doctor? Would patients be sympathetic towards her as a gynaecologist? Would families want to have her around? Wouldn’t they fear that she would influence the expectant mother? Who knows how people thought. And she hated the thought of being on thin ice at her job if she was already having a shaky marriage. She hated the thought of divorce but she felt helpless. She didn’t know what she could do.
What she now knew was that anyone who said they had balance in their life must be lying. Why was it expected more from a woman to have balance in her life? Why did she need to justify herself to society? When a man worked long hours, he was only doing what was natural. But when a woman did the same, she still needed to prove that she was a great mother and wife. Why did women have to open joint accounts with their husbands when they got married, putting whatever they earned or didn’t in that account. Most housewives didn’t even have a bank account of their own. Did they not want that independence, that freedom, that identity? Kavita had always known and earned independently. She had put every asset in her mother’s and daughter’s name. Gaurav had resented her for it. But she was the one who gave him money to spend as he wished. Shouldn’t he have been grateful, appreciative, loving about it?
Was a man supposed to give money to his family? Was a woman supposed to give up her career if she got married or pregnant? Kavita hadn’t been like that at all. Even though she had gotten pregnant, she had worked till the last day and had gone from her rounds straight to the maternity ward to give birth to Vansh. Three months later, she hired a full-time nurse to take care of the baby as she went back to work. She had cut down on her hours at the hospital to come back to her child early and then nursed him and slept with him through the night, only to go back to work the next morning. It was exhausting but she did it. She thought she had found her balance. She had killed herself for the first year. Why was she being punished?
Maybe a housewife’s role is never simple. It’s not about cooking, cleaning or looking after the family. It’s not even about finding balance between keeping your boss happy and your husband, too. Maybe what society expects of me is to keep my husband’s ego inflated?
But Kavita didn’t know how to do that. She didn’t know how to save Gaurav, or this marriage. She had a sinking feeling that something bad was about to happen.
20
‘Bhaiya, naap liya theek se? Bust pe tight mat karna. Loose hi rakhna. Growing child,’ a woman was telling the tailor as Kaajal and Kavita entered the shop, much to the embarrassment of the woman’s teenage daughter.
Kaajal and Kavita were at South Ex market to shop and have lunch. They found the shop teeming with people taking advantage of a sale. Everything was at half price and the shoppers were ecstatic. It didn’t matter that many of them had tons of money, evident in their Louis Vuitton bags and the diamonds on their fingers; a sale was a sale!
‘Oh my God!’ Kaajal shrieked as she twirled around in a red paisley skirt. ‘Do you like this one?’ Kavita thought it was lovely but she looked bored. ‘Honestly I think you have too many of the same kind.’
Kaajal made a face. ‘How many black pants do you have?’ she teased as she went back inside the trial room.
‘Well I need them for work.’
‘All fifteen of them?’
‘I don’t have 15 pairs of black pants!’ Kavita laughed. ‘You’re such a drama queen!’
Kaajal came out of the trial room with a pile of clothes in her arms. She put them on the counter. ‘I’m taking these, please,’ she said to the man behind the till. ‘Cash. Thank you.’
She turned to Kavita. ‘You wear only pants and jackets. How boring are you? You have a million white shirts. Why don’t you try something ethnic? Look, there are so many lovely options here!’
‘I wear your clothes sometimes, don’t I? But shirts and pants have always been more comfortable.’
They roamed some more and Kaajal happily shopped.
Kavita and Kaajal had always been completely different from each other. Kavita was more like their father and Kaajal got more of their mother’s genes. Even physically you couldn’t immediately tell they were sisters. Kaajal was far more curvaceous than Kavita. She was shorter, in a typical Indian kind of way but softer. Her nose was straight, short and charming unlike Kavita’s that was sharp and long. Kaajal’s hair was coarse, brown and curly, falling in ringlets around her face. Kavita’s was silky, straight and black, falling over her shoulders when she left it open. Kaajal’s beauty was exquisite, fragile, soft and warm. Kavita’s beauty was like a wild flower, a powerful attractiveness that left you looking at her wondering what made her so compelling.
What they shared was ambition; they both were passionate about having something of their own. Kaajal studied law and worked with an international law firm in Delhi. She was slowly but surely moving up the ranks as she worked hard and remained focused. Kavita never allowed her to spend her money for the house even though Kaajal had demanded that she give her share. But Kavita had put her foot down. Kaajal’s money was saved. She needed it for her marriage and her own financial security. Kaajal had been seeing a man for a year now and Kavita thought it was time to talk to her about marriage.
Kavita didn’t waste any time and took advantage of their quiet time over lunch. ‘Kaajal, what is going on with your love life?’ She asked as soon as they had placed their orders. They were sitting at a corner table at their favo
urite Italian restaurant.
Oh, no, Didi is giving me ‘The Talk’. ‘How is he?’ Kavita asked. ‘At least tell us his name?’ Kavita had always taken charge of the family. Ever since their father abandoned them, Kavita had felt like the head of the family. The sisters had become closer over the last few years since Kavita’s marriage wasn’t doing so well. They had held on to each other for years when they couldn’t share their sorrow or disappointments with their mother, who was herself hurting from being abandoned. And for the past year Kaajal had confided only in her sister that she had someone special in her life. She never mentioned his name. Kavita never probed; she felt that her sister was genuinely happy with this one, unlike with the many flings before him. Before Kaajal could break it off with this man for some stupid reason, Kavita wanted to plan their wedding. Some excitement in the house would also give her happiness.
‘My love life is fine. His name is Salman Khan. Now will you leave me alone?’
Kavita smiled. Such a drama queen Kaajal could be! She was sure this was because of her obsession with Bollywood movies and songs. Kavita, on the contrary, never understood the need for cinema.
Kaajal looked out of the window.
‘Seriously, what name should we write on the wedding cards?’
‘Wedding cards?!’ Kavita shrieked, startling the woman sitting at the next table. ‘Are you mad, Didi?’ she lowered her voice but glared at her sister. ‘Right now all you need to know is that he loves me and we’re happy. There is no wedding for you to plan. Thank you very much.’
Their food came and as soon as the waiter left, Kavita spoke again; she was not one to give up easily. ‘Okay,’ she said carefully as she picked up a lettuce leaf from her salad, ‘but have you two at least discussed your future?’
‘You mean whether we’re getting married or living together?’ Kaajal said as she started on her own salad.
Her sister’s bluntness didn’t surprise Kavita. She had always spoken her mind without any regard for tact or diplomacy. That’s what made her razor-sharp at work.
‘Yeah,’ Kavita replied. ‘Don’t you want to get married or are you afraid to leave us here?’
Kaajal flicked an imaginary speck of dirt from her yellow FabIndia kurta. She looked lovely in everything she wore. Her well-rounded breasts and her slender waist made men desire her wherever she went. ‘I’m not afraid. It’s just that marriage is complicated. I’ve seen what it’s done to mom. And you. I don’t want that. I’m having fun in life. Marriage kills it.’
‘I know I sounding like mom but she’s been talking to me about you. You’re 30. It’s time that you think about marriage. You’ll want kids as well. If this is the guy you want to settle down with, let’s meet him. Let’s see what he has to say.’
Kaajal kept silent. She set her fork and knife down and leaned back in her chair, soaking in the sun that was falling from the window next to her. She did want more of a commitment from him but she didn’t know if he was ready. She didn’t want to lose him if she asked him and he got scared.
Kavita’s voice was warm. ‘Is there something you’re not telling me?’
Kaajal pressed her lips together in deep thought. When she spoke her voice was deceptively calm. ‘No. Not at all, Kavita.’ She went back to eating her salad. ‘See, I know what you’re saying. But I don’t think I’m the type to marry. I think marriage kills romance. And I don’t want to be tied down by legality. If I love a person I will be committed to him. If tomorrow he cheats on me, I have the option of leaving him without getting families involved. Love and marriage are two different things. I can love someone forever. I don’t need to devote my life to him. Besides, I want to be there for Mom and Vansh too.’
Kavita took her sister’s hand. ‘I understand what you’re saying and I’m not taking that away from you. But we need to face facts. One day Mom will die. Vansh will grow up and want to travel the world and leave us behind. Where will you be then?’
‘Where will you be, Kavi?’ Kaajal asked, looking at her sister with piercing eyes. ‘With a man you don’t love?’
Kavita looked away. ‘This isn’t about me.’
‘But I’m asking you anyway. What do you want to do with him? I know what you guys are going through. I’m not dumb and walls have ears. You guys are not even having sex anymore!’
Kavita kept quiet. ‘I’m fine.’
‘You stopped loving Gaurav long ago, Didi. And you never go out. You barely have any friends.’
‘I have you.’
Kaajal got up from her seat and embraced her sister in a long, tight hug. ‘You need to find someone who loves you as well. Divorce Gaurav. Start over. I’ll look after Mom and Vansh.’
‘No Kaajal. This is your time now. I want you to find someone who loves you, cherishes you, and wants to spend his life with you. It’s time you got married and had kids.’
Kaajal started to interrupt, ‘Kavi…’
‘No, listen…if you’ve found this man who you love, talk to him. See where it’s going. Everyone needs stability in their lives. And yes, my marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s not important right now. I love my job. I’m happy at work.’
‘I love my job too.’
‘I’m not talking about your job. I’m talking about being in your mid-30s and realizing that you have everything in the world but love. And sometimes that love comes from a child. And you can’t have one till you get married.’
‘Well then you can help me find donor sperm and we’ll have a baby outside wedlock, eh?’ Kaajal grinned from ear to ear. ‘You’ve helped thousands of couples conceive. Now help me!’
Kavita laughed with her sister. ‘Yeah we could do that. And let our mother have a heart attack, hai na? Imagine that, a traditional woman does one hour of bhajans every morning in the mandir, and her younger daughter is conceiving without a husband? Oh, the shame!’ Kavita smiled.
Then in a grave tone, ‘But seriously, think about it. Think about what you want from life, who you want in it and then work towards it. Everyone needs companionship. Not just in their old age. Now. We need someone to talk to, spend time with, be comfortable with, share our silences with, our sorrows, our joys. And sometimes a marriage is the only way we can have that. So think about it, Kaajal. Not all marriages are bad. There are just phases when it’s not good and they do go away. Living with or loving someone can never give you the kind of security and stability that marriage can.’
‘What if it isn’t a phase? What if the happiness never returns?’
‘You don’t give up when you’re in love. You don’t give up when you fight. You don’t give up when you don’t agree. You give up when even if he’s doing something right, it has stopped making a difference to you.’
‘Does it still make a difference to you?’
‘Right now, it still does.’
‘You won’t divorce Gaurav then?’
‘No.’
‘Not even if he makes you so unhappy?’
Kavita pondered. ‘Not unless I find a replacement. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be a single mother. I need a partner. I need love. I need an entity around. Even if it means I need to compromise.’
Kaajal didn’t push Kavita any more. Kavita also left it there. They both knew they had given each other enough to think about. And they would need each other again very soon.
21
Attending conferences was part of Kavita’s work as a physician. She had tried avoiding as many conferences as she could so she would not have to leave her household too often but when she fancied the opportunity, she took it. She always came back more knowledgeable.
This coming conference was to be held in Goa over four days. She sat at her desk reading the programme in her email. Her first thought was her son. She hoped he would be alright without his mother for so long. Her next thought was Gaurav. After the last few days of heated arguments, Kavita had promised to spend more time at home but when she was at home, he was out doing something. He didn’t discuss w
ork and she noticed that even though he was still drinking, he was getting dropped home. Things were very confusing at home. Kavita felt like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She needed some intellectual stimulation. She needed to get away from the burden of her family.
As soon as she landed in Goa, Kavita called home to check on Vansh. Without any consideration for the household Gaurav had scheduled his visit to his parents at the same time that she would be in Goa. Kavita worried about Vansh. Only the thought of her mother and Kaajal being there reassured her.
‘Hello Mummy,’ Vansh said from the other end. ‘I’m fine.
I’m playing with my cars. I read in the morning and I’ve done some Maths as well. Can I please watch some TV now?’
‘Sure, baby.’
‘Hi Maasi,’ Kavita heard Vansh say. ‘Mama, Maasi has also just got home. Don’t worry!’
Kavita smiled. She had raised a good child. ‘I love you my Pooh Bear. You call me if you need anything. Mama’s phone is on, okay?’
‘Okay Mummy.’
‘See you soon, okay, sweetheart? Now please put Nani on the line.’
Her mother told her not to worry. ‘Have a good time at that conference,’ her mother said.
‘Thank you, Ma.’
They said goodbye and Kavita thought again of how fortunate she was for having her mother. It was through her mother’s hard work that she had become a doctor. It would have been financially impossible to pursue the degrees she had completed without a working father in the house. But her mother had never allowed either her or Kaajal to feel they needed to step back from life just because their father had abandoned them.
Forbidden Desires Page 11
