“No.” She shook her head with a watery smile, and my heart began to beat again. “You make me feel special, Kieran… and maybe it hurts a little to realize how long it’s been for me... How long I’ve allowed myself to hide from happiness.” A few tears trickled down her cheeks, and I wiped them away with my thumbs. “And I’m tired of it… tired of hiding.”
My lips lifted at the corners. “Then stop…” I kissed the tip of her nose, her cheek, and then her lips. “Introduce me to your family, let me see all those fundamental, crazy ass skeletons in your closet, and I’ll prove to you I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” she teased, that fear in her eyes evaporating, and I hoped it wouldn’t return like it usually did.
“Take a deep breath,” I said with a lopsided smirk as I handed Melissa another glass of water.
“Idiota. No tienes idea.”
I chuckled. “Did you just call me an idiot?”
Her laugh was almost musical as she looked up at me with a sly grin. “Maybe.”
“You’re always sweet talking me.” I took a sip from my bottle of beer and leaned against the back counter of the restaurant.
“My family is loud, big, and my father is most likely talking shit about us to his sister at this very moment.” She nodded her chin, and I followed her gaze across the room.
Her father was with a woman I’d met earlier. I think her name was Gabriella, but Melissa had introduced me to a few aunts. Sure enough, though, both sets of eyes were on us.
“Everyone loves me.”
“We’ll see,” Melissa said with a smile in her eyes.
I’d met her mother and father when we arrived about an hour ago. Trujillo’s Kitchen was basically empty at the time, but now the room was packed with laughter, smiles, wall to wall with people, and the scent of fried food. After I’d been introduced to about thirty cousins and a half dozen uncles and aunts, the novelty of Melissa’s “new boyfriend” had worn off.
I wasn’t like Liam, I actually enjoyed people. I didn’t hide from them like Declan did either, but I couldn’t quite shake my nerves tonight. Melissa laced our fingers together and pressed soothing circles into my palm with her thumb regulating my breathing.
Her parents had been very welcoming, and everyone had said hello with a smile, but maybe they were just polite people. Maria and Jordan were probably the only ones here I could actually read. They definitely liked me. Melissa’s parents, though, I had no idea. They kept watching us, watching me, as if at any moment I’d go running for the hills. Again, I wondered what the hell I was missing that had everyone flashing bright yellow caution lights in my direction. Maybe it was in my head, but Melissa and I had been inside my world for our entire relationship, and walking into this restaurant had burst that bubble. What if they didn’t like me? What if Melissa’s family thought I wasn’t right for her?
“Hey, Dad,” Melissa said with a big smile and kissed him on his cheek.
I’d been so stuck in my own head I hadn’t seen him cross the room.
“Sorry we haven’t had much time to talk. This family is getting too big.” He shook his head with a laugh.
He was a stout man, but even though I towered over him, he was still slightly intimidating.
“Did you get enough to eat?” he asked, and his heavy accent was genuine and filled with warmth.
“I think I ate enough to get me through the rest of the winter. I had no idea about this place until I met Mel. I can’t wait to bring my family here. My brother’s wife loves Mexican food.”
“My mom will probably feed Kelly until she bursts.” Melissa’s soft giggle always made me grin, and if we weren’t in a room full of people I would’ve pulled her in for a kiss.
“Where’s your mom?” her father asked as he glanced around the room.
“In the kitchen, I think…” Melissa released her hand from mine. “I’ll go find her, I want to grab that recipe for her chile verde. I’m hoping to make it next week at Irene’s.” She leaned onto her tiptoes and kissed me with hurried lips before she asked, “Will you be all right for a minute?”
“Sure. Take your time.”
“I’ll keep him entertained.” Her dad chuckled and Mel gave him a warning glare.
“Be nice.”
He shrugged. “I’m always nice.”
Melissa mumbled something in Spanish as she walked away and her father huffed out a laugh.
“What did she say?” I asked with a curious grin.
“She called me an asshole.”
I almost choked on my beer as I swallowed. “She did?”
His laugh was inviting and nostalgic and it cured the last of my insecurities. “She has a mouth on her… always has.” His eyes lost focus as if lost in a memory. “I don’t mind it, it’s been good to have her back.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’ll let her call me asshole all she wants as long as she’s alive and breathing. We’ve almost lost her so many times… we’ve had her back for over five years now and she looks so good, doing so well.” He appraised me for a few seconds before he said, “You’re good for her, don’t let her run you off.”
I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my lips. He’d accepted me. Thought I was good for her. “I’m not going anywhere.”
His mouth made a serious line. “Good. She needs a good man. You make her happy. Her ex, he did nothing but pump her full of drugs. He ruined her life and made her feel like a piece of garbage.”
Pumped her full of drugs? My smile faltered.
He tilted his chin at Jordan and Maria. When he spoke again it was low and only for me. “When Mel had that baby boy, her mother and I thought it would be the end of all the drugs and worry, but she was so far gone back then. She didn’t think she was worthy… good enough to be a mom…” My head was spinning with impossible facts, my fingers gripped the glass bottle in my hand hoping it would anchor me. “You know how she is, always thinking she’s less. I blame Chance for that. If it wasn’t for him…” It could’ve been the fact that my shoulders had gone rigid, or that I’d stopped breathing altogether, but his eyes widened with panic when he looked at me again. “Are you all right?”
I didn’t know what to say, the furious flame building in my chest devoured the remnants of oxygen in my lungs leaving me to suffocate. Somehow I managed to set my beer on the counter and to speak a few clipped words. “Excuse me a minute.”
Fresh air.
Clarity.
I wanted the front door, but my body was on auto pilot, drawn to the source of the pain that had begun to spread throughout my body. I made my way through a sea of people to the kitchen. Once I stepped in, I found her there alone. She was reading a small three-by-five card, and when she noticed me, her coffee-colored eyes lightened with bursts of amber. Her smile was gorgeous and private and filled with love. It didn’t last long enough, her lips parted only briefly before her eyes recognized the pain in my own.
“Jordan is your son?” I had no idea how I dared asked the question, but she flinched like I’d just slapped her hard across the face.
“What?” she asked in a breathless whisper.
“Your dad said he was your son.”
“I gave birth to him.” She placed the white card onto the counter and faced me.
Her shoulders were tight; she was pretending again. Pretending she was prideful. That she shouldn’t have to apologize for anything. That I shouldn’t be upset. But her lips were trembling as her eyes swarmed with tears, and the veneer she’d kept so pristine for so long now had holes and vicious cracks.
“Why didn’t you tell me… why didn’t you say anything?” My tone was flat, too calm and it scared me.
“What should I have said, Kieran?” Her voice bristled as she moved closer to where I stood.
“You know that you could have told me.” I almost took a step backward as she neared. Her close proximity five minutes ago would’ve settled my world, but now it was a violent wind, and I was terrif
ied of what I would say. What I would do.
“Told you what?” Her voice broke and the muscle in my jaw threatened to snap. “What do you want to know, Kieran... that your girlfriend used to be addicted to drugs. That she started using pills at sixteen to impress some guy. That after a while she forgot what it felt like to be human because it was easier to blow guys for money that way, easier to do what Chance asked of me…” Acid crept up my throat as tears streamed down her pale cheeks. My legs were numb as my mouth watered with bile. “That after Chance died I had to dance… to strip at The Western in order to live, make money, and when I overdosed, if Jaime hadn’t found me passed out on the floor five years ago I’d be dead.”
Melissa painted a vivid picture and it blurred behind my watery eyes.
She placed her hand on my chest, but I couldn’t feel her touch. The numbness in my legs had worked its way up my body. It seized my heart, my lungs, my lips. “The day I had Jordan was the best and worst day of my life.”
Her words pulled my eyes to hers and it was the first time I’d been able to see beyond the veil she’d kept so tightly shut. It was the first time I’d been able to really see her, and all I saw was a stranger.
“Jordan was the first good thing I ever had, and then I met you…” Her fingers curled desperately into the fabric of my shirt. “I fell for you, and I wanted to tell you, but I love you so much, and I was terrified of losing you.”
I love you so much… I’d wanted to hear her say those words. I’d given her every part of me and everything she’d given me was a lie. A fabricated reality.
“You don’t love me, Melissa. I don’t even know who the hell you are.” The bitter sound of my voice resonated in the small room, and it was foreign to me. It crept between us like a noxious weed, but did nothing to kill her familiar scent. Her scent played tricks on my heart. It begged me to remember how she felt under my fingertips, how her mouth tasted, and how, when she smiled at me, everything in my life felt perfect. But her brown eyes told the truth and the woman in front of me was a selfish liar.
“I told you all I ever wanted was you. I told you from the beginning that lies were a deal breaker. I gave you...” My hands clenched into fists and I stepped away from her touch. “I fucking trusted you with everything.” I gave her more than she ever deserved.
Betrayal was a woman with dark eyes and sinful lips.
“Kieran…” Her cheeks were wet and her hands shook at her sides. “I fucked up, I should have told you. God, I should have told you, but can’t you understand, can’t you see? All I saw… all I see when I look at you is love. What I feel, what we shared, it was real and pure and who I used to be would’ve destroyed that…” She was fighting to breathe as she spoke, and each new tear that fell down her face washed away the alluring mask she’d won me with. “The ugliness inside of me is all you would’ve ever seen.”
“You took away my choice… you fed me lies, and I gave you everything.” My throat clogged. My heart thundered in my chest, splitting along the seam with every beat. I’d replace emptiness with anger, love with disgust, it was the only way I’d be able to leave this room without falling apart. “All that so called ugly… I could’ve fallen in love with her… that girl… but without honesty it becomes unbearable, and I can’t even look at you without feeling sick.”
She closed her eyes. “Then leave.”
Liam had told me to fight for her when things went to shit, but how do you fight for a stranger? How do you fight for something that never fucking existed in the first place?
I was grateful the kitchen had a side entrance for deliveries, sparing me a scene with her family. And, as the door shut behind me, I let myself believe I hadn’t heard her last shuttered breath. As I walked away, I would let myself believe that her heart hadn’t broken right alongside mine.
The frame of the door should’ve cracked with how hard he’d slammed it, but when my eyes opened, everything, except for my sternum, was still intact. The weight of my guilt, the heavy sins like barbed wire around my heart, Kieran had finally seen it, seen me for what I was. The Addict. The Whore. The Liar. And like I always feared, and just like he’d promised not to, he ran.
You promised to tell him the truth.
My lungs were singed with regret. I was suffocating on the stench of my deception, locked tight beneath the layers of skin that made the disguise I’d shrouded myself in for the past two months. My shaking fingers gripped the countertop as I forced myself to breathe.
In. Out.
In. Out.
It shouldn’t hurt this much. I knew it was coming. I’d braced myself for this very moment, but I’d hoped that it would be on my terms… my confession, my sins would’ve been forgiven. Anger slowly burned its way down my cheeks in salty waves. My family was always butting in, pushing, shoving, and as much as I wanted to blame them, blame my dad for fucking everything up—it was all on me. My fault. My lies. My betrayal. Dad just ripped away the bandage from the cut faster than I could.
As if summoned by the mere thought of him, my father strolled into the kitchen.
“Mija?” He paused in the middle of the room, looking around, most likely for Kieran. “Is everything—”
“Okay?” I sucked in a shuddered breath staving off the sob that was trying to escape. “No… Dad, everything…” I wiped under my eyes, licked my trembling lips, and lifted my eyes to his. “You told him about Jordan?”
My father’s throat worked down a long, guilty swallow. His tan cheeks ashen. “He didn’t know,” he whispered to himself, and his usual strong eyes dropped to the floor.
“He didn’t know any of it.”
My dad’s hand ran through his hair, once and then again, and when he looked at me I swear I saw a flash of disgust. “You told him nothing? Mel…”
The anger I had shifted. It blossomed beyond the hatred I had for myself, and it rooted into the lining of my stomach. “What should I have done? How could I tell him?” Tell him he was everything and I was nothing.
“Mel… you brought this man into your life… I assumed he would know, that you would’ve told him, you should have—”
“I know!” The sob I’d been holding back cracked fissures through my bones. I wanted to scream. I needed to throw something. “In rehab they told me that once I was clean, that I’d be able to live a life where I wasn’t ashamed, that I could live a life free of drugs, but that was bullshit. I may not use anymore, but that addiction, it’s always there, and it destroys everything good in my life just like it always has.”
The pain in my stomach crawled up my throat leaving it raw.
“Addiction?” My father’s irritated tone set the hair on my neck at attention. He was always a calm man, but his control was dissipating as he shot daggers at me. “Excuses, lies… pride.” He almost spit the word. “Melissa, you should’ve told him, and that’s why he’s not here right now, not because of addiction, because you chose to leave him in the dark.”
A wave of humiliation covered my skin with sticky sweat. What must Kieran be thinking right now? The revulsion in his eyes was haunting me, churning in my belly, everything we’d done together, there was no way he’d be able to wash away the filth, wash me clean from his body.
“I was scared.” Even as I said the word, I knew it wasn’t enough to validate anything I’d done. “I fell too fast… and losing him…” Tears spilled down my cheeks, over my lips, and the brine coated my tongue as I tried to speak through my narrowing throat. “I didn’t want him to know the old me. I never wanted him to know how bad I’d once been. I wanted a fresh start… I’d planned on telling him, I really did, but…” I was selfish.
The hard lines around my father’s eyes faded as he took the last few steps he needed to wrap his arms around me. A tremor ran down my spine as I cried into his chest. His warm scent was the only thing I could cling to, the only thing that made me feel like myself as I soaked his shirt.
His hand glided softly down the back of my head as he said, “You c
an’t be afraid of who you were. You must wear every badge, every scar, because without them, you wouldn’t be my Mel, you wouldn’t be my daughter. I don’t care about all the mistakes you’ve made, you make me so proud… every day. You have done what others couldn’t. You survived, and I think…” I tilted my head back and his eyes crinkled at the edges. “Kieran should have a chance to see that side of you, because without it, he’ll never see the true beauty of what you’ve become.”
Another sob shook my shoulders as the calloused pads of my father’s thumbs wiped at the tears on my cheeks. “I don’t think he wants that chance. Not anymore.”
“Give him a few days.” My father kissed my forehead, but I couldn’t feel the heat of his lips.
Dad didn’t know how deep of a wound I’d left in Kieran. I’d taken away his choice and soiled his innocence. I’d taken the last thing he’d cherished and given him nothing but self-serving lies. I never deserved Kieran, and the best thing I could do for him was to just let him go, let him move on.
My arms fell to my sides and my father gave me a meaningful look. “You should have your happiness, Mija. No matter what you think, you deserve a chance at a good life, and that man loves you, there’s no hiding it.”
“No hiding what?” Maria’s voice was filled with mirth so I kept my eyes on the tiles of the kitchen floor.
“Kieran… he was all smiles for our Mel.”
Nausea swept through me and my mouth watered with bitterness as Maria giggled. “All smiles, where is he any...” Maria’s sentence evaporated as she took in my wet cheeks and red eyes. “What’s the matter?”
“He left.” I cleared my throat and turned away from them, pretending to look through the stack of recipes I’d gotten out earlier.
“Why?” Her voice was distant, and I figured she was asking our dad.
“Because…” I exhaled a painful breath. “He found out the woman he’s been dating is a fucking liar.”
Poet Page 23
