“Lee, are you okay?” Fran asks, lifting my hand. My eyes meet hers and I’m not sure what to say to her.
“Yes.”
“Lee.” Alice draws my attention to her. “I know you’ve had a few days since you found out you’re pregnant, but I’m here for you no matter what choices you make.”
I stop her because Fran and I have already had this conversation and I don’t need to have it again. “Alice, this pregnancy has come as a shock but I’m going to have the baby.”
“Well, then we should discuss your care.”
I sit and listen intently as she talks about what I should expect to happen over the coming months. The more she talks, the more excited I get about having a tiny baby in my arms. Alice gives me lots of information leaflets to take home and read. She also introduces me to my consultant, who will always be available should I need him. He seems nice enough, but I really like Alice and I’m glad I’ll be dealing with her for most of my appointments.
When I finally leave the hospital with Fran, I have a picture of my baby in my hand.
“How are you feeling?” Fran asks when we’re back in her car.
“Truthfully?” She nods. “I’m really good. Today went better than I expected and knowing how far along I am means I don’t need to keep this to myself. And yes, I saw the look on your face when I loosened my clothes.”
“Well, you’ve certainly got a bump.”
“Yeah. I at least know now I’m not just getting fat.” We both laugh. “I have two concerns. Logan and Jess.”
“Jess is your best friend and I understand why you’re worried about telling her, but from what I know of Jess, if you keep this from her, she’s going to be angry with you. And as for Logan, I don’t know him well enough to say how he’s going to take this news, but if he doesn’t take it well, then it will be his problem, not yours.”
“You’re right.”
“Of course I am. I’m here whenever you need anything from practical advice to having a moan. Let’s get you home so you have some time to yourself before Logan gets there.”
Logan
ALL DAY I’VE been clock-watching, counting down the minutes, looking forward to seeing Lee. I even had a better training session than I’ve had all week. According to the boss, I’ve been like a bear with a sore head the last two days, but he saw an improvement in my game and attitude today. My mood has definitely improved. I think if I kept up my shit, I wouldn’t be playing this weekend. I would be facing watching the team play from the stands, and that’s tough, even when a player is forced out through injury. I’ve been lucky when it comes to playing. I’ve never been out injured for long periods of time, unlike Fletch. He had time out last year when he was still down in Manchester, through a careless tackle. It was a rough time for him back then; the injury and then his mum. He rarely talks about that time in his life and I don’t blame him.
He’s changed a lot lately, and for the better. I still can’t believe he’s asked Jess to marry him. This is a massive step for him. They love each other and I know they belong together. To think all those months ago I thought he would fuck her out of his system that night he left the club with her. Boy, was I wrong.
It will be good to see him tomorrow morning when he’s back at training.
I park my car out in front of Lee’s building, grab the pizza box and a bag from the back of the car, and make my way up to her apartment.
A wave of apprehension courses through me as I come to an abrupt stop outside her front door. With my heart hammering madly in my chest, I ring the doorbell and wait.
The front door opens, and for the first time since I left here on Sunday, I see her. She looks tired. Her body looks tight with tension. I need to change this.
“Are you inviting me in or will we just stand here in the doorway and eat?” I finally say, in an attempt to break up the heavy mist that has settled between us.
“No, of course not. Come in.”
I walk through to her living room and put the pizza and the bag down on the table. Lee stands by the couch and I watch as she closes her eyes and takes what looks like a calming deep breath. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s been sick or if she’s nervous about me being here. I move quickly towards her, closing the distance between us, needing to feel her in my arms. Needing to reassure her that she has nothing to be nervous about.
Needing to tell her how I feel about her.
When I’m standing in front of her, she opens her eyes and I see a flash of hesitation before I reach out and pull her into my arms. Her body melts against mine and I feel some of her tension filter away. I’ve never seen Lee look more vulnerable than she does in my arms right now.
Something is wrong.
Stroking my hands up and down her back, I try to let her know she’s fine. “Lee, baby. Everything is going to be okay.” Her frame shakes against me. Why do I think if I look at her she’ll be crying? God, I don’t want her to be upset. Whatever is wrong it can’t be that bad.
Can it?
I take a step back but still keep a hold of her. She needs to know I’m here. With one hand still wrapped around her back, I take her chin in the other and tilt her face until she’s looking at me. She’s not crying but something is clearly troubling her. There’s no flush on her cheeks, her skin pale in comparison to Sunday morning.
The silence looming between us makes me uneasy. My stomach churns with anxiety and frustration as I look at her. I have a need to shift from foot to foot but I don’t because I sense I need to stay strong for Lee. I search her face for answers, but don’t find the ones I’m looking for. Although, I do find those gorgeous, luscious lips; they appear pinker against her pale skin.
“Are you feeling okay?” I ask, even though all I want to do is kiss her.
“Yes. We should eat.” Her words take me by surprise, but I’ll go with it. Whatever is wrong, she clearly isn’t ready to tell me. She pulls out of my hold and wanders over to the couch and sits down, curling up.
“Can I grab you something to drink?”
“Some water.”
“What, no wine?”
She shakes her head. Water it is, then. I leave her for a moment. She looks lost in her thoughts. She might be telling me she’s okay, but her body language is telling me she’s anything but. Before I leave here tonight or tomorrow, I’ll get to the bottom of what’s troubling her.
I have a feeling I’ll be staying here tonight, if only to hold her close and keep her safe from whatever demons are causing her concern.
Demons. I’m sure there’s not a single person on the planet that hasn’t had to battle their own demons at one point or another. That includes me, although my past needs to stay where it belongs.
I grab two bottles of water from her fridge and pause. Realisation dawns on me. I want to care for Lee, to be there for her whenever she needs me, to be a part of her life and not just when the notion takes me to hook up for some good sex. Everything is great when I’m with her.
All that mushy stuff people say about finding the one, their soulmate; it’s all true. Never believed in any of it until now. Now though, I believe anything is possible.
I wonder if Lee believes it too?
I re-join her and sit down beside her after placing the bottles on the table. Lee has opened the pizza box, so at least she wants to eat. Or is she just using eating as a distraction? I already know she is.
The Scottish news is on the TV; a reporter talking about the weekend’s football fixtures, who is playing who, but I try to zone out of football. Well, at least for tonight, until things are clear between Lee and me.
We both reach out for pizza at the same time. I can’t help but smile as my eyes meet hers, and for the first time tonight, I see a hint of colour on her cheeks and a sparkle in her eyes. It gives me a glimmer of hope that I’ll be doing the right thing.
I shouldn’t put it off. I should just say what I want to say. Get it over with.
I take a mouthful of pizza before puttin
g it back down in the box.
Here goes.
“Lee.” Shifting my body, I turn to face her. “After the weekend’s game, do you want to do something? Just the two of us. Maybe dinner or a movie?”
She almost splutters on the water she’s drinking. A heaviness centres in my chest when I see the look of confusion on her face. Have I really misread all the signs? All the connection between us?
I take a deep breath. “Lee, surely a date with me can’t be that bad?”
“You want to spend time with me out of the bedroom?” she asks, trying to sound somewhat casual, but all I hear is her hopeful voice.
“Yes. There’s something between us and I know you feel it too. I see it in your face when we spend time together, when your dazzling eyes rake over my body. The slight smile when you start mentally undressing me. I hear it in your seductive tone when we’re alone. Even now, I see it when you’re trying to fight your burning need to be close to me. But more than all that, I feel it when we are alone, sitting talking, having a laugh about nothing of great importance. I feel it just being around you. I want more than the casual hook-up we have. I want to explore the possibility of us, as a couple.”
I don’t say anything else. I don’t need to. I see it all. I pull her close to me, wrapping my arms around her shoulders, a tingling of excitement racing through my veins from just holding her. I feel her uneven breathing on my cheek as I hold her close. This is where she belongs.
With me.
Always.
Her body feels more relaxed than it did earlier when she was in my arms, as though she needed to hear my words.
“So, what do you say about dinner?”
She lifts her face, her gaze on me. “Yes, I’d like that.”
My smile broadens at her simple answer. Tonight, there are no shadows surrounding us, just happiness. Well, for me, anyway. I press my lips to hers. Slowly, she parts hers, responding to my soft touch. I can’t hurry this; she has to feel how I feel through our kiss. Our relationship means so much more to me than sex. Although, now I’ve tasted her sweet, heavenly lips, my body is buzzing with desire for her.
To truly make love to her again.
She pulls her lips away first and I hate the cold air that’s replacing the warmth. Her eyes land on me, but only briefly before she looks away. “Logan, I have something I need to tell you,” she says, her voice barely a whisper.
“Okay.”
“I’m pregnant.” Still she doesn’t look at me. Her eyes are on her hands and she’s rubbing them together.
Surely I’ve not heard her correctly. She hasn’t just told me she’s pregnant. All the confidence I felt moments ago fades away.
I’ve been worrying myself sick about telling her how I feel and, all this time, she’s been keeping this to herself. It suddenly all makes sense; her feeling ill on Saturday night. The little or no contact between us the last few days.
“Say something.”
“What the fuck do you want me to say? After me asking you out at the weekend, you’re having someone’s baby and you expect me to be happy about it?” I couldn’t care less if my words hurt her or not. She’s broken me with her news.
“Not someone’s baby. Yours!” She spits the words at me. Anger fills her eyes. She shifts her body further away from me, crossing her arms, and pointedly looks away from me.
Mixed feelings flood through me as her word leaves me puzzled. Mine. No, it can’t be. She can’t be having my baby.
“Logan, please say something. Anything.” Her quiet voice pleads with me. I look at her and a single tear rolls down her cheek. I don’t want to be the cause of her tears, but I know I will be with what I’m about to say and do.
“How far along are you?” I watch on helplessly as she reaches for her bag, pulls out an envelope, and hands it to me. I open it and take out a scan picture. Everything is so clear on the picture in my trembling hands. “This is from today. I’m about twelve weeks . . .” Her voice fades into the background as I mentally figure out the dates. Our first night together.
I’m so fucking stupid.
I allowed my heart to overrule my head that night. She consumed me. I needed to feel all of her.
Why did I not think?
There have only been two girls I’ve never used protection with; the first I was too young and stupid and thought like every other guy, it will never happen to me, and, surprise, it did. And the second was Lee; my overwhelming emotions of the first night we spent together got the better of me. I didn’t think it would happen again. Two girls. Two separate nights and the results end up the same. A baby. I won’t allow my stupid mistakes, my lifestyle, to ruin her life the way it ruined another’s. Lee deserves happiness.
A sudden burst of coldness pulses through my core. A baby. Of all the things she could’ve said, I never expected that.
“Lee, I can’t be a dad. Fucking hell. Look at me.” Deep down, I know I can’t tell her why I can never be a good dad to any child. My past is too fucked up. I won’t allow my past and present to collide. I need to walk away, to do what’s right for Lee and her baby, because if I don’t, there’s bound to be an explosion and I’m not sure I would be able to recover this time around.
“I am,” she says, her voice low and eyes wide as she studies me. “This has come as a shock to both of us. I never planned on falling pregnant. I always imagined when the time for kids came, I would be married to a man I wanted to spend my whole life with. Someone I knew inside and out.”
“Yeah, not a fucking player like me.”
She flinches at my hurtful tone. “Logan, we need to think about things. We have time to take it slow and decide what we want. I know what I want.”
“And what the hell is that?” I shout, pushing myself to my feet.
“You.”
The lonely word falls from her parted lips. I force myself to back away from her because it would be so easy to tell her everything will be okay. But even I can’t pretend that this will be okay. I’d be telling her that for all the wrong reasons. She gulps hard, fighting to hold back her tears which now fall uncontrollably down her beautiful face.
I can’t stay here and watch her cry. I turn my back to her.
“Please don’t leave.”
Her words ring loudly in my ears but I can’t stay.
A baby! My feet move quickly away from her, out of reach.
I pause at her front door only for a second, but long enough to hear the words through her loud sobs. “I love you.”
Lee
“I LOVE YOU.”
My world is falling apart a little at a time. There’s nothing I can control. I can’t hold back my tears as I sit rocking back and forth, alone. The one noise to be heard is my sobbing. His reaction is what I expected, so I don’t understand why I’m so upset. Of course he was going to walk out. He has nothing to stay for; we’re not even a couple, just two people who fucked occasionally.
I want him in my life. I want him to want to be a part of my life, and the life of the baby we’ve created. He would be a good dad, I’m sure. None of this was planned and I’d hate to think that’s what he thought. If I’m true to myself, Logan is the only man I’ve allowed myself to dream about a future with. Funny, I know, considering we’re not a couple. But for me, he’s the one. The one I want to spend my days waking up with.
He’s the man I see when I allow my thoughts to drift to having kids. If I could pick anyone, he’s it for me. My husband, a father, but most importantly, my best friend. Even though he drives me insane at times. I’m sure he could be all that and more if he let me in.
With my eyes closed, thoughts of him are firmly in my head. Happy thoughts.
“I’ll take you home,” he said.
“I’m more than capable of going home alone.”
“I know you are, but I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I didn’t offer, and with Fletch taking Jess, that leaves you and me.”
“Fine.” I huffed. “But any funny business and I won’t
be held responsible for my actions.”
“You’re funny,” he said with a huge smirk on his face. We talked the whole journey back to my apartment about his favourite subject: football. He looked genuinely happy that I knew all about the game.
I open my eyes. He was a gentleman that night. Kept his hands to himself and even made sure I was in my apartment safely. He’s not all bad. Logan Walker is what dreams are made of, but like dreams, he won’t be there when I wake up.
I swallow hard in an attempt to bite back my tears, but it doesn’t work. I hate that I’m sitting here alone, crying, after the man I’ve fallen in love with turned and walked away without a glance back. Only moments ago, everything looked good between us. Great, even. Fuck, he wanted us to go on a proper date at the weekend; that must mean something. It means something to me. It means he wants more. But is that more of a relationship or just the amazing sex we have?
Pain tightens around my heart and I’m lost. So lost and helpless. Through my tear-filled eyes, I see the pizza on the table, a reminder of what should’ve been a quiet night together. Instead, I ruined it by sharing my news, but he had to know. We both admitted we had feelings for each other, so why does my news make things different?
With my arms wrapped tightly around myself for protection, I continue to cry. Cry for the man I love and know in my heart I’ve already lost before we’ve had any time together.
I don’t know how long I stay like this before my tears finally stop. I should call Fran, but I don’t want to talk to anyone.
I text her instead. He knows. I told him tonight and he didn’t take it well. I’ll call you tomorrow if I feel up to it.
After switching my phone off, I drop it on the couch and close my eyes, allowing myself to think of all the what ifs. What if he loved me as much as I love him? What if everything in our life was perfect? But it’s not and I’m going to have to face facts. I’m going to be a single mum. My entire life has changed in a few short days. Now I have to make plans that include a baby. I can’t go on just thinking about myself.
Saving the Game Page 7
