I started feeling angry with myself and tried to focus on the job. It was busy and crowded that night, so it was easy to give it my all. Still, in the back of my mind, I was worrying about Kage. It was another fifteen minutes before I felt my phone vibrate against my breast.
I was so afraid to read it, so I spent the next ten minutes taking more orders and delivering drinks to customers in the crowded, noisy bar, but when I’d worked up the courage, I ran to the storeroom and pulled the phone out of my bra.
I was being so stupid. I knew why I was starting to feel insecure…because, in the back of my mind, I was worried that Kage had gone home and started packing, and he and Fay had spent the afternoon discussing what had happened and had decided to give the marriage another go. My act had pushed them together. I considered it. If that had happened, if this wonderful guy and his wife had decided to work through their problems (a definite possibility), I would have to accept it and move on. I wouldn’t be happy, but really he was never mine. I supposed it would be better to find out now rather than later.
If that were the case, I would ask for the other four hundred.
Or maybe I wouldn’t. It lacked class, but I didn’t care. I still had a car that needed repair, and I would wind up with a heart in the same shape.
J, I’m with my bandmates right now and we are drunk. Will it be okay if I don’t see you till tomorrow?
I didn’t realize until I saw that text how tense I had been. My heart was thudding in my chest as though it was a thrash drummer driving a song with a double bass beat. I took a slow deep breath, trying to get a hold on myself. It was okay. He wasn’t cheating with his wife.
At least I could make myself laugh. Humor can be found in almost any situation, I thought.
Seeing that text, I could imagine how his day had gone. He had gone home to pack up his things, as planned, and Fay had been there acting psycho, as anticipated. Who knew how long, drawn out, and uncomfortable his afternoon had been. He might have had to deal with her yelling and screaming, hitting, and who knew what else. For all I knew, he’d had to call law enforcement just to get his belongings. Then I could see someone like Fay begging him to stay, telling him she was sorry but that she loved him so much. She would tell him she loved him so much and she couldn’t bear the thought of sharing him with anyone else, and it had filled her with rage and jealousy, but that was only because she loved him. He would have had to wade through all her anger and manipulation. It would have been exhausting. And, if he was still feeling guilty, he might have just wanted to hang with his friends and get drunk. Enough woman drama for the day.
I continued to have an uneasy feeling, but I had to find a way to get past that and trust him. We’d bonded hardcore the night before and we’d felt an insane, almost impossible connection, but it was there. I was sure of it.
I had to trust him, had to trust his intentions.
Sure, that’s fine. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
I wasn’t going to be demanding and ask when. I wasn’t going to insist he share every free moment with me. I wasn’t going to make any stipulations at all. No, I was going to let him sift through the remnants of his old life and let him come to me on his own when he was ready.
If he didn’t, I’d know then that I had been just a one-night stand, a catalyst for, perhaps, what had to happen for him. And I couldn’t hold that against him if that were the case. I didn’t believe he would hurt me intentionally. He didn’t seem the type.
Unless the guy was a hell of an actor. If he was, I’d find it out soon enough.
Chapter Ten
I MANAGED TO get a ride home. The bartender Josh and I had been so-so friends, having worked together for several months, and I told him my ride had fallen through. We had a few folks hanging around till closing, and one guy offered me a ride, and that’s when Josh said he had my back. On the way to my apartment, I thanked him for saving me and asked if he wanted some gas money. He didn’t, but he did ask about my ride that had let me down. It hadn’t been till that point that I realized Josh and his long-time lady friend had maybe broken up and he was looking for some comfort. I let him know that my ride was the guy I’d seen the night before but he’d had something come up. I wanted to discourage Josh. He was a nice enough guy but no way was it gonna happen. My head and heart were full of someone else.
I felt really stupid later, though, because I was lying in bed and I couldn’t stop thinking about the night before, the night my life completely changed, and I texted to him Good night. Stupid move, because I didn’t know for certain where his head was. I could hope, but I wouldn’t know until I saw him again.
If I saw him again.
So I slept until noon because I also had to work closing shift that night, and I got in the shower, refusing to look at my phone. I wasn’t ready. I made my way into the kitchen, my body wrapped in my blue robe, my hair wrapped in a towel on my head. Bless Steph. She sometimes worked an opening shift at the mall on Saturday and Sunday mornings and, when she did, she always left the coffee on so I could have some when I got out of bed. Lindsey, without fail, spent Friday and Saturday nights with her boyfriend, so I wouldn’t see her until Sunday afternoon sometime. I often wondered how the girl kept the grades she did, but she studied hard during the week. I guessed weekends were her time off, and as long as she could keep her focus Monday through Friday, she had it.
Not me. In fact, I did better in school when I was single. I let men consume me, my thoughts, my heart, my everything…at first. It was always like that at first. After some time, though, the flame would wane and I could divide my attention again.
I supposed it would be that way with Kage, too. Right now, I was in the initial phase of what might be a relationship, the all-consuming part that would bury and drown me, absorb me to the exclusion of all else. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’d still give school my all, but part of my brain would be off doing its own thing, unable to give much attention to composition theory and research in rhetoric.
I realized, stirring cream into my coffee, that I was putting off checking my phone. I knew I was worried that either there would be nothing from Kage (in which case I had the added burden of deciding if it would seem desperate if I took the initiative and texted him again) or there would be something I wouldn’t want to read. But I had to grow a pair and get it over with.
I headed to my room, feeling chilly. It wasn’t just my nerves, though. My room tended to be cooler than the rest of the apartment. I’d complained about it a couple of times but had finally given up. You’d think being colder in the winter would translate to a cooler room in the summer (bonus!), but no such luck. That room retained heat just like the rest of the apartment, and it was only thanks to the A/C that we felt any relief. Fortunately, my room was tolerable in the summer. In the winter, though, I used an extra blanket when I went to bed. Now, with wet hair, it felt even colder.
I got my phone and went back in the kitchen, though, so I could be warm when I read my texts. I saw, swiping the screen, that I did have a message from Kage. I’d forgotten that Fay had told me the day before when I’d added his info to my phone that his name was spelled with a K instead of a C, and that made it all the more hot. I don’t know why I found his name sexy, but it was.
I sat at the table so I could read his message. I’d only entered his contact info as Kage along with his cell number. And so I pulled up his text, and it was short and sweet, left over an hour earlier. You around?
Hmm. Simple. I hoped it was because he wanted to see me. I was feeling insecure, so I kept mine basic as well. Yes. The longer the time went that I didn’t see him (after all, we’d only been together one time ever), the less sure I felt about everything. I held my cards close to my chest, because I wanted to see his move first.
I sipped at my coffee, staring obsessively at the phone’s black screen, waiting for it to light up with his text back. It didn’t. I looked up, across to the window staring out at the light blue sky. I should have enjoyed that pale
sky because the forecast predicted gray—snowstorms and bitter cold over the next few days. But it was already feeling gray in my heart.
I finished the cup of coffee and poured another, deciding to get ready for the day. I had several chapters in one textbook to be absorbed by Monday and I had to finish another book by Tuesday in time for those classes…and I didn’t want to wait until the last minute. Time to throw the idea of one true love in the trash and get back to my normal life. Honestly, I didn’t have time for a relationship right now anyway. I had a job that kept me busy on top of grad school, and my classes were intense. I didn’t have time for a man in my life, even if he had felt like the only right guy for me I’d ever met.
That’s where my thinking was flawed. He’d moved something inside me, and it was hard to ignore. In spite of my insecurities bubbling to the surface, there was something inside that made him feel like the only person who could see who I really was at the core, as though he’d known me not just throughout my whole life but before that and beyond.
I went to my cool bedroom and set my coffee cup and phone on the dresser, but I turned the phone over so it faced the dresser top. I didn’t want that black screen mocking me anymore. I walked to the bathroom and hung up my towel, then combed out my hair. Once done, I went back to my room and sat at my makeup table, turning on the blow dryer. Having the warm air dry out the damp strands of my hair made the room seem more tolerable but my mind was still on Kage.
Once I was done with my hair, I booted up my laptop. I needed music. I scrolled through the list of artists I had in my music collection and even that made me think of Kage. I wanted to see him play with his band, although that was beginning to look unlikely.
Okay…tapping into my mood? That told me what music I needed to listen to. I needed something loud and raw, something I could lose my anger and frustration in. I’d had a sweet love song playing in the back of my mind for over a day now, and it needed to go. I needed to find myself, my old self, and be her, and music could get me there. I settled on a Motionless in White CD and let it play. Since I was the only person home, I could play the music a little louder too.
But when I finished my makeup and got up to get dressed, I couldn’t help myself anymore, and I flipped my phone over and pressed the button. Oh. There it was. A text from Kage. It was short enough that I could read all of it without unlocking my phone…and it gave me hope.
I want to see you tonight.
I couldn’t help the smile on my face, the rush of chemicals raging through my body that instantly lifted my mood. I couldn’t stop the way my heartbeat picked up its pace a bit in anticipation of seeing and feeling this man again. I pulled in a deep breath and unlocked the phone to reply. God, yes, I wanted to see him tonight too. The problem was another long night. I worked till closing again.
Then the paranoia set it. How did I even know it was Kage texting me? What if he’d gotten back together with his crazy wife and she was fucking with me via text messaging?
No matter. I’d find out soon enough. I had to quit swimming around in the deep doubts of my mind. It was like a cesspool up there, one I’d never seen before, and now that I’d found a ray of sunshine in my life, my brain was determined to ruin it. I took a breath and started tapping on the screen, my thumbs hitting the letters almost as quickly as my mind thought the words. I’d love that. I work tonight till closing. Do you want to come by there?
Like he was supposed to the night before?
Stop it, Jessica. My mind was poison, evil poison, and the circumstances were iffy and rough enough. I didn’t need my mind sabotaging it too.
This time I didn’t have to wait for his reply. It popped up before I could set my phone down. What time?
I started tapping before I’d even fully formed my thought. We close at 2, and I have a little cleanup to do, but you can come by before if you want.
I placed the phone on the dresser again and started shuffling through my clothes in the drawers below. For the afternoon, I’d wear jeans and a t-shirt, but later I’d have to decide what to wear to work. Kage was going to have to see me looking slutty again, and I didn’t know if that was a good idea, because he would come to expect it, but the job practically demanded it. If I showed skin on the weekend, my tips doubled what they’d ordinarily be. I’m sure flirting had a little to do with it too, but I’d have to show some skin. Yes, that meant my walk to the bus stop wouldn’t be fun either, but I had bills to pay.
I’d just pulled the shirt over my head when I saw his reply flash across the phone screen. I’ll come by before and have a beer while I wait.
See you then. And then I wondered if he remembered where I said I worked. We’d talked about it the morning before, but we’d both been emotionally charged and we’d discussed so much. I could see it being one of those things that would be easy to forget.
There was that gnawing doubt again. I had to let it go. I had to tap into the feelings I’d had not long ago, what I’d experienced when in his arms. That connectedness, that feeling of past, present, and forever. That feeling that I could never let him go. I needed to remember.
I closed my eyes and tried.
Chapter Eleven
THE NIGHT SEEMED to drag on, because I was counting the seconds until I would see Kage again. We were busy that night too, and I could barely keep up. The actual bar area was full and so I had to wait off and on for Josh to get my drinks so I could deliver them to the outlying tables.
It was a rowdier night too, worse than usual, and I wondered if the full moon had anything to do with it. At one point, a guy wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me onto his lap. I had to wriggle myself out of his grip and, once I did, he smacked me on the ass. I turned and glared before hustling myself back to the bar, but I didn’t have time for shenanigans tonight. It was a little after midnight then and it should have slowed down some but no such luck. I wasn’t complaining—that meant the cash would continue to flow and I’d earn more tips than usual. I might be a little more tired afterward, though, but I was sure Kage could bring me back to life.
I’d wanted to keep an eye on the door so I could see when he came in, but I hadn’t had much of an opportunity to do so. I could only hope he’d spot me and say hi when he did.
But the time ticked closer and closer to closing and there was still no sign of Kage. I’d wanted to start thinking of him as my man, but the farther we got from our night together, the less confident I felt about it. I was starting to feel colder. And I’d been dumped by enough guys in the past that I knew I’d have to start trusting my instinct. If Kage didn’t show up tonight, I’d know he wasn’t worth my time, no matter what my heart was trying to tell me.
As it got closer to two o’clock, Josh announced last call. The place was still fuller than usual, and most folks asked for a last round before heading out into the bitter cold. A few people took it as their cue to leave and, as the seconds inched their way toward the top of the hour, couples and groups trickled out of the bar. At two, there were only three people left at the bar, nursing their drinks.
That was when I noticed him. Kage was sitting at the end of the bar with a mug of beer in his hand. I felt my fingers tingle and I was afraid to let myself believe it was truly him. I walked over, glad the music was still playing so I wouldn’t be overheard by anyone else, and sat in the stool next to him. He smiled then and I propped my chin on my fist, supporting my elbow on the bar. “How long have you been here?”
“A while.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“You looked busy.”
“Well, yeah, but I’ve been looking for you.”
He grinned. “I noticed that.”
“Noticed what?”
“You kept looking at the entrance.”
I smiled then. “You caught me.”
“How long before you’re done?”
Oh…there was that feeling again, like he had known me a long time, like we really did belong together. Everything felt right
again, and I was mentally chiding myself for having fretted and doubted for the past day. Now I knew it was okay. “Not long. Do you mind waiting?”
“Not at all.”
Josh was cashing out the receipts, and I told him Kage was with me, so he’d be around till I left. In the meanwhile, I showed the other two customers out and locked the door. Then I cranked the music like Josh and I always did when we closed, this time playing some Underground Fight Club. I started putting chairs upside down on tables so we could sweep and mop and Kage walked over to ask if he could help. “Sure,” I said, and he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me close.
“Anything to get you out of here sooner.”
But he only kissed me on the forehead. What a letdown, because I’d already felt my entire body tense up against his. I needed to feel him up against me again, feel him inside me. But the wait would be worth it.
Kage started putting chairs on tables while I grabbed the broom. I started sweeping and saw that there wasn’t much to sweep up. There never was. Mopping was the important job from all the booze spilled throughout the evening. In fact, a lot of times, the dried but sticky liquids made sweeping a bigger pain. But I swept and Josh had the mop behind me shortly after. Once I was done sweeping, I went to the ladies bathroom and cleaned. It was never as bad as the men’s, but I always did it first. By the time I was done with the men’s bathroom, I knew Josh would be done with mopping and would be washing the rest of the glasses and finishing cleanup behind the bar.
Be Careful What You Wish For Page 7
