by Aja Cole
“I’m sorry.” I look at her, surprised but trying not to show it. Her green eyes are wide and a little sad, fringed by those thick lashes.
“What do you have to be sorry for?” I force the words out because it’s the logical thing to ask. My feelings taken out of the equation, it makes sense. “You can sleep with whoever you want. I don’t own you. Hell, I can’t even claim you.”
“I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt because of me.” She moves closer to the desk in her bare feet, blousy peach top fluttering just slightly. It’s a color that brings out a glow in her skin that I’d been distracted by all night.
“It happens, right? Maybe I wasn’t clear enough about what I wanted.”
“Let’s talk it out, right now. Everything on the table.”
“We don’t need to do that.” I just feel tired. “You told me you weren’t sure what you wanted and I flew right past that. I think it might be best if we took some space.”
“Space?” She echoes. “I don’t want space.”
“Oh, you know what you want now? Now that another man’s calling about you fucking you and I heard him.” I laugh, but there’s no humor in it.
She bows her head, curls falling over her shoulders. Her hair isn’t straight like I’ve seen it today. It’s this curly wavy mix, her natural texture I think.
“Okay.” She props her hands-on her hips, and when she looks at me again, there’s all stubbornness in her eyes. “I’ll talk. You listen.”
“I reckon.” I pour more cognac into my glass and lean back. She wavers a little bit from my nonchalance I guess, then starts to pace.
“I like you. A lot.” She faces me once then starts pacing again. “You’re hot, you’re smart, you’re patient, you’re supportive, you’re kind, you’re successful, you’re humble…I mean, I don’t think I could make a better version of you if I built a man.”
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t warm a little at her words, even though I keep my face neutral and keep drinking from my glass.
“I love being around you. I mean, once I get over the fact that some of your ideas are better than mine, I love the feeling you give me. You’re so…together. You have it together, and as much as I’m drawn to that - I feel inadequate.”
I open my mouth, but she puts a hand up. “See, no, don’t say anything. You’re too damn good, I know all you want to do is reassure me. That’s your natural reaction, and it is so attractive and heartwarming.”
“I hear all these seemingly good things, but you’re still talking to another man. So why don’t you tell me what’s wrong instead.” I stand, moving around the desk to sit on the edge.
She takes a deep breath but meets my eyes.
“I like Liam too. I don’t know exactly why yet, because I haven’t wanted to put too much time there when I don’t know what we have. But I can’t stop thinking about him. We haven’t done anything more than a kiss, but…I’m drawn him to him like I’m drawn to you.”
I knew it was something, but that doesn’t stop my heart from dropping to my feet.
“What do you want me to say?” I lift my shoulders, at a loss. “Do you want me to say I’m fine with you exploring a relationship with him? Because I’m not. The thought of you doing anything with him and not me makes me want to scorch the earth.”
“I’m just being honest with you about where my head is at. I know it’s not an ideal situation.”
“You damn right, it’s not.” I move away from her, looking back incredulously. “The only woman I’ve been interested in for the past two months, hell, haven’t stopped thinking about for the past five - doesn’t feel the same way.”
“I do feel the same way. I tried to ignore it, I tried to just choose but I don’t know if I can!”
“You make it a habit to keep two guys around? Is that it? Is that what I don’t know about you? What Liam was talking about?”
“What Liam was talking about when?”
“He actually offered to join us in bed, did he tell you that?”
Her gaze shutters and she crosses her arms, shifting. “No.”
“No strings, just fun, he said. I guess he also didn’t tell you that he let me know you two are basically two peas in a pod. Similar. You don’t do just one thing or commitment.”
“He told you all that and you didn’t think to mention it to me?” Familiar fire sparks in her eyes, but I’m past caring.
I’m such an idiot.
“You two are so cozy, I thought maybe you knew and I was just the one out of the loop.”
“It’s not like that.” She closes her eyes.
“Well tell me what it is like, then, Michaela.” I raise my voice and throw my hands up. “Tell me what the hell I’m doing here.”
“I’ve been with women.” She lifts her chin, eyes clear and pleading with me. “I’ve been with women and men at the same time. I’ve been with two men. Two women. All casual, all just adults enjoying our lives.”
Her admission silences me completely. Not because I disapprove or I’m disgusted, but because you paint a certain image of someone in your mind.
That’s not the image I had of her.
“That’s what Brandon meant when he told me I wasn’t his ideal. I told him about what I’d been up to over the years after we broke up, and he felt like the only thing I was good for anymore was that same fun. He stopped seeing me as the woman he’d proposed to in college, because I wasn’t that woman anymore.”
“So who are you now, Michaela? Just tell me what you want.” I croak, and she hugs herself, blinking her eyes hard.
“I’m just me.” She whispers. “All I know is that I have never felt the way I do about you for anyone, even Brandon. I have never been so drawn and so terrified. And I get the same pull from Liam. Some people aren’t lucky enough to find one, and I’m here conflicted over two.”
“Well, you can’t have us both. That’s not how life works.”
“I know.” She whispers, a tear falling down her face. I steel myself because all I want to do is comfort her, but she has to choose. She has to choose me, because I’ve done nothing but choose her.
“Do you want me, or do you want him?”
We stare at each other for long moments, and I will her to pick me. I’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life.
“I have to see what’s there.” She inhales shakily, and my heart shatters.
She steps towards me and I shake my head, moving away.
“I hope he makes you happy.” I move to my desk and drop into my chair, turning it towards the window and cutting and lighting a cigar.
I hear the door close eventually, and only then do I shatter my glass against the wall.
18
Liam
When Mickey texts me and asks for my address, I’m surprised.
She didn’t seem thrilled that I called earlier tonight, and I’d started to accept the fact that she’ll be the one that gets away.
I open the door for her, ready to give her some smart remark, but those words leave when I look at her.
“You look terrible.” I joke.
Instead of a similarly sharp retort, she just starts crying and I’m completely bewildered. I pull her inside gently and shuffle her to the couch, going to get a box of tissues.
She sits there, shoulders shaking, sniffing hard. “Why is it so c-c-cold in here.”
“I’m usually too hot so I keep the air on high.” I watch her from where I’m standing by the couch, unsure if I should hold her or run for the hills.
The flight instinct is overwhelming. This isn’t what I do. I fuck, I don’t deal with feelings and cuddling and all that shit.
But dammit if the urge to comfort her isn’t strong too.
Fucking shit.
I scoop her up from the couch, and she doesn’t even protest. She’s still crying, just not as hard or as alarmingly loud.
I set her on the bed and unbutton her jeans, pulling them off efficiently. I don’t even look at what underwe
ar she’s wearing. I slide her legs underneath the duvet and unbutton her top, pulling the cover over her before I go to turn off the lights.
I strip my shirt off and yank her gently to me, wrapping my arms around her silently. She stills for a moment but then turns in my arms, burying her face in my chest and tangling her legs in mine.
I can feel warm tears on my chest and I wonder how the hell I got here, and why I got it into my mind that I wanted this woman.
And I wonder what happened and whose ass I need to kick for hurting her like this.
“What happened, baby?” The endearment slips out on its own. Her arms clench around me and she hiccups, making me smile a little bit.
She mumbles something but I can’t make it out. I pull back some. “What was that?”
“I said, I chose you.” Her voice is hoarse and her eyes are pure liquid green, sad and seemingly bottomless.
My first reaction is panic.
My second is wonder.
My third is warmth.
My fourth is fear.
“Why...why would you do that?” My chest feels tight. The fact that she looks so miserable about it isn’t helping.
“I didn’t want to hurt him…but I couldn’t choose him for him. I had to do it for me. And I would’ve been lying if I told him that I was ready to be with him and him alone.” She inhales, face creasing in pain. “So don’t give me that line about only wanting fun. I might’ve ruined something to explore this, so you better not give me bullshit.”
“I…” I close my eyes and fight through the conflicting emotions in my head. Feelings of inadequacy, knowing I’m nowhere near as perfect as Hawk, knowing I could end up hurting her with all my shit. “You’re making a mistake. Choosing me. I’m not him. I can’t give you what he gives you.”
“I don’t want you to give me what he gives me.” She whispers. “I just want you to be you. Nothing more, nothing different.”
“How can you say that? You don’t know what I come with.” I can’t understand what would’ve made her give up something.
People don’t give up anything for me.
“So, show me. This isn’t me saying I want to be with you forever. This is me saying that I want a chance to know you. Give us that, at least. I can’t pretend I know what this is gonna look like, but I can’t keep lying to myself.”
I want to tell her that I’m not worth it.
I want to tell her that she can do much better than me, much better than a depressed ex-athlete who’s fighting a fight that isn’t even his.
I want to tell her that I’m scared she won’t like me if she gets to know me. That I’m scared I’ll lose myself in her because she’s so damned alluring. If I let it be anything more than sex.
“Okay.” I murmur, pulling her tighter to me and exhaling against the top of her head. “Okay.”
19
Mickey
It’s the second time that I’ve woken up wrapped in a man’s arms this year, only this time, I know exactly where I am.
And it fills me with a complicated mix of sadness and hope.
If it works with Liam, I can’t have Hawk. If it doesn’t work with Liam…I don’t even know if Hawk will give us another chance.
It’s a rock and a hard place like none that I’ve ever been in before. And it’s one I don’t think I can really share with anyone because they’ll think I’m fucking crazy.
Liam nuzzles his morning stubble in my neck, and tightens his arms around me, but doesn’t say anything for a bit.
I let him have the silence. It feels like he wants to say something, but I won’t push him on it.
“Is it too late to take back me agreeing to this last night?” He talks into my neck, and I sigh.
“I thought I was a runner.”
“Yeah, well…I’ll try to run towards you and not away, I guess.”
“That was…kind of sweet.” I stroke his hand where it’s resting on my stomach.
“What are you looking for from me? I mean…what are you expecting?” The vulnerability in his voice is so different from his usual nonchalance, but it’s endearing. It makes me feel like I wasn’t crazy to feel like the casual lover thing is a front.
“Let’s just take it day by day. We can really get to know each other and…see if it works. I don’t know much more than that. Let’s go with exclusivity while we figure this out. I can’t do anymore added people.”
“If we’re exclusively dating each other, that means sex is definitely on the table.” Okay, there’s a little hint of the regular him, but I can feel him smiling against my skin.
“That is what that means.” I turn to face him like I remember doing when I was still crying last night.
So many tears. I can’t imagine how he had to feel holding me while I cried over someone else, but he held me all night.
It meant so much to me.
“Why do I feel like you’re going to say something about waiting until we know each other better.” He narrows his eyes, and I laugh because it’s nowhere near what I was thinking.
“You said it, not me. But it doesn’t seem like a terrible idea, no? You’re used to only having sex with people. I’m kinda used to that. Maybe we should do this differently.”
“What are we classifying as sex, before I agree to this.”
“No penetration of the genitals, and no oral sex either. I think anything else is fine. I’ve got limits.” I trace my eyes over his dark blonde messy hair and slightly tired blue eyes.
“I guess I’m okay with those terms.” He strokes a hand up my back and fingers my curls. I haven’t straightened my hair in a few days. “I like this. Seems more like you.”
“They’re a bitch to detangle some days, and if it’s a bad day, it looks like a birds nest.”
“Well, I don’t hear any chirping today.” He smirks. “Also, my buddy and his girl are having a joint pre-wedding party in Switzerland late next week. Any chance you want to keep throwing caution to the wind and go with me?”
“You know what…why not? I’m in.” What do I have to lose now? I’m free to give it all now.
He smiles brightly and I’m struck by how boyish is makes him look.
I want to know this man. I want to know where he came from, and what makes him happy and what makes him sad and what keeps him up at night.
My heart flutters when I think of the defeated look on Hawk’s face last night and I feel that doubt again. That niggling feeling like something isn’t all the way right.
But when I was with Hawk, I felt that way about Liam.
So what am I supposed to do when I don’t know if I feel complete with one over the other?
How am I supposed to choose?
20
Liam
I googled date ideas.
It’s not really something I’ve thought about too much, other than your standard shit. Dinner…sex?
Mickey said we don’t need to do anything extra, and we can just hang out with each other.
Then she went and booked us for paintball yesterday because I mentioned it once when we were eating dinner this past weekend.
It was a kickass time, and I appreciated it so much. It was sexy as hell seeing her hunt down the other players too.
It was definitely hard to hold to the no sex promise that night.
We’re heading to Switzerland in a few days, but I want to plan something for her. Or just…I don’t know, I might not know what the hell I’m doing but I do know that one-sided stuff doesn’t last.
I’ve got enough to go up against, I don’t want to help along my own failure.
I’m learning that I’d be okay sitting at her feet and listening to her talk all day. It’s almost comical how quickly I went from telling myself I just wanted sex to settling into accepting that I want this to work.
I don’t want her to regret choosing me.
So I googled. And googled…and googled.
Only nothing said Mickey to me. Until I remembered when we were watching the 1
969 Parent Trap and she said she liked older movies and black and white ones.
So, I figured, maybe she’d like to see one at a drive-in. Only…none of the ones within three hours were showing any.
I was going to say fuck it, then I remembered one of my teammates used to have a big movie night for his daughter every month and he used a gigantic screen in his house.
So, here we are.
“Can I take this blindfold off yet?” I’m leading her towards the front door of the house and Jack’s niece, who’s housesitting opens the door silently, stepping back for us.
I mouth thank you, and she mouthes back good luck with a thumbs-up sign, leaving quietly.
“No, you’re so impatient.” I tease, making my way through the house and stopping once we get to the basement stairs. “There are stairs so don’t rush.” We make it down without busting our asses and I turn the dimmer switch, bringing the lights up.
Fuck yeah, it’s exactly like I wanted it. There are twinkle lights hung from the ceiling because I wanted to have a starry effect since we couldn’t be under the stars.
The gigantic couch has heaps of pillows and blankets on it, basically the size of two or so king-sized beds together. I didn’t even know couches like this existed before I met Jack. A sofa pit or something.
I turn the lights back off and turn the dim string lights on, giving the room a subtle glow but not enough to interrupt the movie feeling.
I slide off Mickey’s blindfold and wait for her to say something.
I think I’m sweating a little bit.
This shit is nerve-wracking. How do people surprise people they like and do stuff all the time?
What if they hate it?
Since she’s still quiet, I figure she probably does. “I uh…I thought we could watch Casablanca. Or I read It Happened One Night was a good one, so I got that too.”
“You were listening when I mentioned old movies.”
